Breaking no contact to reach out once more?

[eightninevision]

I got past it guys, and I'm really, really happy I did. All emails and texts deleted. I unfortunately took a look at her facebook photos, this was my way of caving. But that's done now.

 

I just journaled some rules specific to my NC plan and moving forward. I also journaled some repetitive thoughts I've had like "she's the best I'll ever have and it's all downhill from here" and jotted down some strong rebuttals to that. I think it'll be helpful to look at in the times of weakness in the future.

 

Thanks for the insight on the day prior emails and how it can be going thru the motions. Unbelievably, we were a few clicks away from booking a trip that would have been next month that night before the breakup. I was the one who held off to check my schedule the next day. So she was not only going thru the motions, but she was willing to get in another vaca before bouncing (I wasn't paying, but she doesn't speak Spanish and I do and she would never go to these places if she wasn't with me). Thank god we didn't book it, that would have been disaster.

[eightninevision]

Don't overestimate your power or influence over your ex; if you ignore them, they're just gonna laugh and tell their friends what an immature baby you are.

 

One of the hardest parts: stop thinking about THEM. Their life is going to be a revolving cast of males who are cast aside as soon as they do any perceived wrong. YOU are all that matters now.

 

Lastly, listen, I get it. My ex and I broke up months ago and I have recently been having a lot of negative and painful emotions. The holidays are not helping this situation. Bottom line though: they are sh*tty people if they left you on a dime, sh*tty people if you were great to them and they dropped you like a bad habit for some other dude. So f*ck them, they can f*cking disappear forever for all you care. They are nothing.

 

This is something I wanted to bring back up too. Great point. Not only giving up the hope and desire for a future, but also giving up my hope and desire for an opportunity to "squash" her if she reaches out. It just shouldn't matter. She was an ungrateful little daddy's girl and that's all that really needs to be said. Would it be satisfying if she ever reached out? Sure, temporarily, but that is not going to be the mainstay of my healing lol.

 

Another thing I wanted to say is nice job with the meditation J. I am a 3 day/wk meditator and I'm committing now to 7 days/wk and upping my gym time from 3 days/wk to 5. Game on baby. From the ashes cometh a phoenix!

[J722]

I got past it guys, and I'm really, really happy I did. All emails and texts deleted. I unfortunately took a look at her facebook photos, this was my way of caving. But that's done now.

 

I just journaled some rules specific to my NC plan and moving forward. I also journaled some repetitive thoughts I've had like "she's the best I'll ever have and it's all downhill from here" and jotted down some strong rebuttals to that. I think it'll be helpful to look at in the times of weakness in the future.

 

Thanks for the insight on the day prior emails and how it can be going thru the motions. Unbelievably, we were a few clicks away from booking a trip that would have been next month that night before the breakup. I was the one who held off to check my schedule the next day. So she was not only going thru the motions, but she was willing to get in another vaca before bouncing (I wasn't paying, but she doesn't speak Spanish and I do and she would never go to these places if she wasn't with me). Thank god we didn't book it, that would have been disaster.

 

Great work on journaling. Most people push it off as something that's a chore, or for new age people, but seriously --- it's been helping me a lot.

 

I too have thoughts like "I'll never find one like her" and more.

 

Up to this point, she's the best I've had -- but what does that mean? My last GF I thought the same thing. I think when we choose someone in our life, we clearly think they are the best at that moment for us.

[J722]

This is something I wanted to bring back up too. Great point. Not only giving up the hope and desire for a future, but also giving up my hope and desire for an opportunity to "squash" her if she reaches out. It just shouldn't matter. She was an ungrateful little daddy's girl and that's all that really needs to be said. Would it be satisfying if she ever reached out? Sure, temporarily, but that is not going to be the mainstay of my healing lol.

 

Another thing I wanted to say is nice job with the meditation J. I am a 3 day/wk meditator and I'm committing now to 7 days/wk and upping my gym time from 3 days/wk to 5. Game on baby. From the ashes cometh a phoenix!

 

Same here. Here's the deal: I ran into a girl hiking today who is attractive and cool. I'm not sure I'm into her at all (or she to me) but I thought "maybe I should tag her in a post" so I'm sure my ex sees it.

 

Then I thought...what's the point? I'm sure that will make her jealous considering she's wondering if I cheated on her, but where will that get me?

 

Keep bringing it back to YOU, not them.

 

Every day we move forward.

 

PS Great work on upping the gym and meditation. Today I trained twice and it felt amazing. Yes, I'm physically exhausted -- but getting some of these feelings out on the gym floor is helpful.

[J722]

This is great advice. Dumpers are likely not going to just stop telling you they love you or treating you like things are fine while they're still trying to find their feelings.

 

So going back to analyze texts that say things like "You're perfect" and "I want to spend my life with you" from the day prior to the breakup will just cause you more pain. These were things said because the dumper was just going through the motions. I've been on both sides of it, and I know how hard it is to read those messages. Delete everything including texts, emails, pictures, hand written letters, etc.

 

True --- I had so many handwritten notes from my ex, even from only 3 days before the break up.

 

One had my name, a ton of hearts and said:

 

Name,

 

You are the most amazing gift to ever enter my life. I am so deeply grateful for your presence.

 

---> Cool story, bro.

Edited November 28, 2015 by J722
typo

[greenleaves54]

As one more follow up, I would love to move on like a boss. My friends tell me I can do better, and I think part of me believes them. But it's a catch 22 - I'm saying to myself I can do better, but if that's the case how in the hell did she pass on me in the end? The evidence that I can do better is sullied by the evidence that she rejected me.

 

Obvious response is that we're not right for each other. Just tough to swallow.

 

Everyone gets dumped at some point, even the most successful, richest, hottest people get dumped. No one is immune.

 

Most likely, it had absolutely nothing to do with you. She wants to try out that new exciting guy who flirts with her. You could be the greatest boyfriend in the world, it wouldn't matter. Your honeymoon period was over and she panicked. She is probably young and a bit immature?

 

Getting dumped is tough. But after some time it's a great learning experience that I now wouldn't want to be without.

 

The great thing is there's only one way to go - forward. Get fit like a spartan, smile and send out positive vibes to the universe and you'll attract loads of people in your life, I promise.

[eightninevision]

Thanks for the wisdom green leaves.

 

That's right, she just turned 24 and is just finishing up her last semester of college. I was her second serious bf and she grew up without a mother figure, so she's emotionally extremely immature.

 

Whether or not there was another specific guy that pushed her over the edge doesn't really matter I guess, she is moving and the idea of us being together long term became unattractive to her. So the situation was unattractive and thus I became unattractive, plus or minus the involvement of another guy.

 

Sad part is I have this kernel of hope that won't go away. The idea is that I think if she grows up a bit, we could be a great match long term. Makes me wish I hadn't freaked out and harassed her about her decision after the fact. Then I hope she forgets all that and remembers the good times. It's all a pipe dream, but it's also how my parents got married,which drives me to think it's a possibility. They dated, broke up bc of a move, then my dad graduated grad school, ended up in the same city as her, and married her.

 

Oof, the brain is a tricky beast.

[Oregon_Dude]

One of our biggest mistakes as men is that we take women seriously. We assume they know what they want, and that their decisions are right.

 

When you realize that 99% of what women do is based on how they feel at that moment, you will cease to take any of their actions seriously or personally. They are just children who want what they want, NOW, and don't care who gets hurt as long as they get it.

[greenleaves54]

Thanks for the wisdom green leaves.

 

That's right, she just turned 24 and is just finishing up her last semester of college. I was her second serious bf and she grew up without a mother figure, so she's emotionally extremely immature.

 

Whether or not there was another specific guy that pushed her over the edge doesn't really matter I guess, she is moving and the idea of us being together long term became unattractive to her. So the situation was unattractive and thus I became unattractive, plus or minus the involvement of another guy.

 

Sad part is I have this kernel of hope that won't go away. The idea is that I think if she grows up a bit, we could be a great match long term. Makes me wish I hadn't freaked out and harassed her about her decision after the fact. Then I hope she forgets all that and remembers the good times. It's all a pipe dream, but it's also how my parents got married,which drives me to think it's a possibility. They dated, broke up bc of a move, then my dad graduated grad school, ended up in the same city as her, and married her.

 

Oof, the brain is a tricky beast.

 

Yeah, it's hard to abandon hope. At the beginning it feels like the ex is ten times better than every other girl in existance. But with time passing you realize that there are other options who are as good or even better than your ex.

 

I think its ok to maintain a LITTLE hope. As long as you can imagine yourself with other women as well. But it comes with time, so don't worry.

What is meant to happen, will

[eightninevision]

Yeah I think it would be weird if you didn't hope to spend time with someone you care about again.

[anonymousbear00101100]

...she grew up without a mother figure, so she's emotionally extremely immature.

 

My ex grew up with a affectionless mother and a revolving door of step dads, so of course she has the daddy issue problem. She needs somebody with her all of the time to validate herself, so as soon as she feels as if somebody could do it better, she moves on. Our relationship was the strongest when we were home this summer and did nothing but hang out by ourselves.

 

This is the part that hurts the most for me, knowing that there really wasn't much I could do. Even though our relationship was awful, and I've already seen improvements in my happiness, the thought that the end of our relationship was dictated by a wandering eye kills me. This probably isn't like your scenario, but I know the pain of losing someone who you feel like is making a bad decision.

 

I started getting in contact with my sister again last night, and she told me something I really liked. She said "Mental stability will always win out in the end."

[eightninevision]

I feel you about the thought that the person is making a bad decision.

 

Truth is, you're right. You know you're right. But if they don't know it, it's worthless. And they don't know it because they're too immature to even want a long term relationship that actually works out! That's what's going on here. At least in my case.

 

As my uncle said, don't tell her off, because trust me, in two or three years she'll have dated so many *******s that she'll finally realize that you are incredible. At that point, whether she reaches out or not doesn't matter bc you'll already be with someone great. But if you tell her off you give her an excuse to hate you.

 

Times are tough, but in time things will get better. Have you started dating yet?

[eightninevision]

Also did you mean mental instability? Lol

[J722]

Hey everyone,

 

I am so close to responding to my ex.

 

It's only Day 4 of NC but her voicenote is something I've listened to about 5-6 times.

 

I mean, here's my rationale:

 

Why would she ask if I cheated on her while we were together if she was 100% moved on?

 

Wouldn't that be irrelevant? And the fact she's admitting it was 4-5 straight nights of waking up scared, confused, me being with different Women, etc.

 

I don't know.

 

I'm making messages and deleting them, reading others experience.

 

Help me out.

[anonymousbear00101100]

Truth is, you're right. You know you're right. But if they don't know it, it's worthless.

 

Damn. This 100%.

 

I'm not going to lie, I did something stupid today. I basically told her what she did was awful, and she replied with some anger of her own, and told me to "**** off". I honestly don't even know exactly what either of us said, because I was so hot headed and have since deleted my texts. I later sent her an apology which she never replied to. The worst part is I barely said anything I wanted to say, just that I was mad, but not even why.

 

So now I feel guilty because I broke NC, came across as a childish *******, and didn't even say any of the things I wanted to.

 

Now she has an excuse to hate me for sure. I was doing so well too, I just lost my way for a few minutes and now I feel stupid. If I had only talked to your uncle!

 

The feeling of wanting them to know their own mistakes is so strong. It lead me to do something I really regret. Hopefully I can wash the egg on my face off with some time at the gym and a little pie (not sure what order).

[anonymousbear00101100]

Hey everyone,

 

I am so close to responding to my ex.

 

It's only Day 4 of NC but her voicenote is something I've listened to about 5-6 times.

 

I mean, here's my rationale:

 

Why would she ask if I cheated on her while we were together if she was 100% moved on?

 

Wouldn't that be irrelevant? And the fact she's admitting it was 4-5 straight nights of waking up scared, confused, me being with different Women, etc.

 

I don't know.

 

I'm making messages and deleting them, reading others experience.

 

Help me out.

 

I think that's a bit unfair of her to put on you. I'd honestly just stick with NC. I'm obviously not one to talk because I have no self control, but I really wish I did.

 

My ex begged me not to break up with her, then did it herself. She told me she cried every day for two weeks. She told she still has feelings for me. But she also told me she didn't want to be with me anymore. These are the kinds of things that drive me crazy, because she seems to be hinting she still wants you. Her actions and her words are contradicting.

 

I don't know why they do this. They're either venting their own inner monologue because they have nobody else to talk to, or they're awful people just trying to drag you along.

 

Do you even want this woman back in your life?

Edited November 29, 2015 by rjblak13

[J722]

I think that's a bit unfair of her to put on you. I'd honestly just stick with NC. I'm obviously not one to talk because I have no self control, but I really wish I did.

 

My ex begged me not to break up with her, then did it herself. She told me she cried every day for two weeks. She told she still has feelings for me. But she also told me she didn't want to be with me anymore. These are the kinds of things that drive me crazy, because she seems to be hinting she still wants you. Her actions and her words are contradicting.

 

I don't know why they do this. They're either venting their own inner monologue because they have nobody else to talk to, or they're awful people just trying to drag you along.

 

Do you even want this woman back in your life?

 

I think we all want to believe that ours is "different".

 

I think why they do it is like Oregon Dude said -- they simply don't know what they want from moment to moment.

 

In terms of wanting this women in my life, I do.

 

This sounds like every other story, but to me we had limitless potential and connection unlike any I've had. I've mostly always been able to walk away, because I'm used to a being connected on a physical level, but not like this in terms of the intellectual, mindset, worldview and emotional levels.

 

I'm fighting self control here, and it's a Saturday night and these are the nights we would hang out no matter what --- it's hard.

Edited November 29, 2015 by J722
Add on

[eightninevision]

I'm sorry you broke NC, I know how that feels. I'm also having a bad night. Didn't break NC but came close, haven't eaten much all day.

 

I don't have private message status here, you two could send me a message on reddit if you want (same name) and we could start a group chat on there to help us get through the day to day since it seems to be tough for us three at the moment. Just a thought!

[J722]

What I hate the most: the almost hourly fluctuations.

 

One second: I'm the Man, I don't need her, I'm feeling really really good, jamming out in my car, great attitude

 

The next: Where is she? What's she doing, feeling, thinking? I miss her touch, her smile, her on the couch....

 

Brutal.

[anonymousbear00101100]

I'm sorry you broke NC, I know how that feels. I'm also having a bad night. Didn't break NC but came close, haven't eaten much all day.

 

I don't have private message status here, you two could send me a message on reddit if you want (same name) and we could start a group chat on there to help us get through the day to day since it seems to be tough for us three at the moment. Just a thought!

 

I would mind this but I don't have a reddit haha.

[anonymousbear00101100]

What I hate the most: the almost hourly fluctuations.

 

One second: I'm the Man, I don't need her, I'm feeling really really good, jamming out in my car, great attitude

 

The next: Where is she? What's she doing, feeling, thinking? I miss her touch, her smile, her on the couch....

 

Brutal.

 

Same here. I try put it in percentages.

 

Day 1: 100% missing her/0% I'm fine

Yesterday: 50/50

 

Today is different because I messed up and feel like an idiot. Each day of NC seems to tilt in the positive favor. Eventually there will be a day its 0/100.

[J722]

Same here. I try put it in percentages.

 

Day 1: 100% missing her/0% I'm fine

Yesterday: 50/50

 

Today is different because I messed up and feel like an idiot. Each day of NC seems to tilt in the positive favor. Eventually there will be a day its 0/100.

 

I like the idea of NC tilting to the positive.

 

This is going to sound juvenile, but my ex deleted me today from Instagram and it's triggering me.

 

I'm gonna assume she's jacked I haven't responded to her audio message because it just happened today.

[anonymousbear00101100]

I like the idea of NC tilting to the positive.

 

This is going to sound juvenile, but my ex deleted me today from Instagram and it's triggering me.

 

I'm gonna assume she's jacked I haven't responded to her audio message because it just happened today.

 

Yeah I would honestly just never respond to her again. Until she comes to you with an apology she doesn't deserve any thought.