notmakingsense Posted May 27, 2005 Share Posted May 27, 2005 My gf and I broke up 3 days ago. I am totally aching right now, and although I was the one to put my foot down, I so want to be with her. You can read my other posts, but basically, she feels she wants to go out and have fun and explore meeting other men. She's commitment phobic after a long marriage, and I have spend the last 1.5 years trying to get her to commit to me. We were extremely close, and had a wonderful time together -- but the relationship was off and on because she would withdraw whenever she felt that she was truly falling in love and things were getting serious. I finally cracked and told her that I needed her to commit. The result of that was that she said that she needed to back off and meet other people. Now... to the point of this post... during our conversation she told me that she couldn't see herself not talking to me, and that she'd like to go out and do fun things with me. At the time, I declined, because I hurt so much at the thought of her not being intimate with me any longer, and also going out and meeting other men. These thoughts of jealousy are the worst -- very painful, and very real. She has already been casually meeting people, and although she claims they haven't been intimate encounters, she is a very sexual person -- and it won't take long -- I'm sure. But.... she absolutely has a deep connection with me. We have a bond that was evident even during our "break up" talk. I believe that there is a genuine friendship there that she really wants to maintain. My question is --- is how can I maintain a healthy friendship without being over my feelings of hurt? How can I get past my feeling of absolute panic that she'll just forget about me if I don't try to maintain a friendship. Deep down, I am hoping that after a period of a few years of re-discovering herself, she just may return to me -- as long as I am a presence in her life. Is it possible to be stong enough to maintain a friendship under these cicumstances, or must I go the total NC route to heal myself. For some of you guys out there -- were you able to "tough it out" in the early months after a breakup and come out the other end as friends? Were you able to have a "if it happens, it happens" attitude about the whole thing while you are/were friends? During our talk, I actually asked her if she'd be uncomfortable if she knew I wanted her and would try for her -- even though she just wanted to be friends. She said, well -- no -- I think I could handle it. What does that mean? Does that mean that she has already moved on, or does it mean that she actually wants me to keep trying? I don't believe that she's moved on yet. She was crying uncontrolably when I said I couldn't deal with seeing her. Sorry for the long post, and thanks for reading. Link to post Share on other sites
Author notmakingsense Posted May 27, 2005 Author Share Posted May 27, 2005 Oh, and I also want to say is that I realize that I must try to move on myself -- date other people, and have fun. This is a necessary component of all of this. Maybe I meet someone else whom I love as much, or maybe she returns to me -- either way, I win, right? Biggest risk is that she finds her marriage-mate sooner, while I'm still searching for someone whom I can fall for as hard as I did for her..... Link to post Share on other sites
Marshbear Posted May 27, 2005 Share Posted May 27, 2005 I doubt it if you can still be friends with her. it would be extremely difficult to be around her and not be able to express your feeling to her. I also think that your idea if dating others is good but if you are still linked to her you will not really try to find someone for yourself and that is not fair to you. You need to break it off and let her do her thing and you do yours. I know it is hard but if she is unwilling to committ with you then I see it as the only option, for you. She probably could still be friends with you because she can with draw her feelings for you and has made up her mind that she only wants a friendship. You on the other hand do not want to with draw you feelings so it would not be a workable solution for you. Also to see her with other guys and hearing about them from her would just be pain for you. I think the NC is the only way to go unless she changes HER mind. Peace... Link to post Share on other sites
MissingHerBad Posted May 27, 2005 Share Posted May 27, 2005 Usually I dont post to forums I just start them But in this case, I think I can be of some help. First of all your post is very long so I just skimmed through it. Basically you've got a mjor crush on this lady but shes not down with commitment. I can imagine the exact situation right now, the knot in the stomach. You say shes very sexual, and I guess thats fine but not fair to you. You cant be expected to not want commitment after 1.5 years. Thats ****ty about her marriage but you should really just let her get over it. If theres that connection that you say there is, you would figure that maybe one day she would come around if you two trully wanted. The bottom line is the "being friends" situation. I say no, alot of other people will agree with me and I think it goes evenmore so for your situation. Could you honestly be friends with this girl you have such strong feelings for and know she may be dating someone else, yada yada... That is the reality of the situation. In a few cases I have pulled it off but never in a situation like this and when there are very strong feelings involved and one party just isnt ready, well its a ****ty situation. Im gong through it right now trying to win my ex back like a loser...lol GOODLUCK BRO - PS Some guys are just sharks and get right back on the horse but if your hurting, you dont need to be dating cause that creates a skewed perception of people- You run the risk of comparing people to your ex - DONT DO THIS - It will eat at you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author notmakingsense Posted May 27, 2005 Author Share Posted May 27, 2005 Thanks Marshbear and Missingherbad -- I knew I was going to get the feedback you both gave me. It is so scary just to let her go -- you think that maybe it will become an "out of sight, out of mind" situation -- and you are therefore forever closing the door. I've also thought about a last-ditch plea for her to change her mind -- but I have so far decided against that simply because of our on-again, off-again history. Does she really need to get out there and discover what is right for her, or should I take advantage of the friends invitation and really try for her hard? Ugh. I guess not -- there isn't any evidence to show that this would work. I'm so sad right now. Link to post Share on other sites
MissingHerBad Posted May 28, 2005 Share Posted May 28, 2005 Sorry bro, believe me I know the feeling but if you are going to attempt something - WAIT A WHILE let some time blow by...but then I never listen to anyone on here...lol Link to post Share on other sites
Author notmakingsense Posted May 29, 2005 Author Share Posted May 29, 2005 See my post under "Breaking Up" -- she called me last night and caught me by surprise. So, she's opened the door a crack. I'm trying to figure out whether or not I should use the opportunity. I'm torn, because I'm scared of facing rejection again -- because she's simply just checking in on me to see if I'm available. Link to post Share on other sites
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