guest Posted May 27, 2005 Share Posted May 27, 2005 My boyfriend of almost 2 years and I are in talks of getting engaged soon in the next few months. I am so nervous! I just graduated college and I will be going to grad school and finishing it next may- all on my parents dime. My parents foot the bill for everything and it has been great and very much appreciated. I know I am meant to be with this guy- when I look at him I just know it. But the thought of marriage and gettin cut off financially is so scary! It is vulnerability, scary,etc. is this normal?? Link to post Share on other sites
agnf666 Posted May 27, 2005 Share Posted May 27, 2005 Now, you and your boyfriend of 2 years are talking about getting engaged. That is wonderful. You should feel so happy. I know that you are worried about the funds for college but you have to think about this from another angle. Let's say you get engaged in 3 to 4 months from now. When you get engaged you don't have to set the wedding date right away. You could wait until the both of you are ready. So, even if you are engaged I think your parents will have no problem with paying for college. If you tell your boyfriend that you are scared about the getting engaged because of the funds for college, he might not even propose to you for a long time. You can always take out a student loan or something if you have to start paying for it. It is perfectly normal to feel the way you do. You know in your mind and in your heart that this is the only man you want to be with for the rest of your life. So, that should make you think how special he is and how excited you would be if he proposed. Does your parents like him? Does he want the wedding to be soon after the engagement? Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted May 28, 2005 Share Posted May 28, 2005 Originally posted by guest I just graduated college and I will be going to grad school and finishing it next may- all on my parents dime. My parents foot the bill for everything and it has been great and very much appreciated. I know I am meant to be with this guy- when I look at him I just know it. But the thought of marriage and gettin cut off financially is so scary! It's not enough to just look at him and feel it and what you know at this age is not very stable. Two years is two years, but age 22 is also just 22 (I assume you're around that age). Why not graduate, find jobs, get financially stable, "grow up" a little bit more, try and live together first then plan marriage? My experience tells me that whenever people are in a hurry to get married, there's usually something else going on behind the curtains. Link to post Share on other sites
guest Posted May 28, 2005 Share Posted May 28, 2005 We both have graduated, he has a job, i am in grad school. We have partially lived together these last two months. We are not in a rush, but when I graduate from grad school, we will want to live together. the only legit way for us to do this is to get married- which is what we want also. the time is right, and it is the time. we know we are meant to be, so i dont see what is so bad about this. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted May 28, 2005 Share Posted May 28, 2005 Originally posted by guest the only legit way for us to do this is to get married- which is what we want also. Why is the only legitimate way to get married? Why not live together first? If you feel nervous about it then most likely something isn't right. Does he make good money? You will receive your master's degree so you did have some ambition, right? Perhaps you've dreamt about pursuing a career and many other dreams and now you're afraid that you will turn into a stay-at-home mom or an employed wife with kids. Maybe you want to live your life first then settle down? Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted May 29, 2005 Share Posted May 29, 2005 It's OK to have some fears yep. But in my honest opinion, I'd wait a while to get engaged, until you feel more financially secure, and maybe you are a bit older. You do a lot of changing in your early twenties. Or, ifyou really do want to get engaged now, no matter what, then make it a long engagement. Link to post Share on other sites
rtobiejr Posted May 31, 2005 Share Posted May 31, 2005 Originally posted by RecordProducer Why is the only legitimate way to get married? Why not live together first? If you feel nervous about it then most likely something isn't right. Does he make good money? You will receive your master's degree so you did have some ambition, right? Perhaps you've dreamt about pursuing a career and many other dreams and now you're afraid that you will turn into a stay-at-home mom or an employed wife with kids. Maybe you want to live your life first then settle down? You raise some valid concerns, RP, but I have to say that I see nothing wrong with the OP's desire to get married. While anyone contemplating marriage should view it as something serious and not to be done in haste, I seem to hear a lot of talk discouraging young people from marrying as though somehow it's the commitment that's wrong. I am 23, and will be getting married in November of next year (I'll be 24, and almost finished with law school). My parents were 20 when they married, and my father finished law school as a married man (This year they celebrate their 28th anniversary!) There seems to be this sentiment that marriage is the last thing you should do-- after you've slept around, lived with a man or two, traveled the world and your fertility is on its last leg. She should be concerned, and a bit nervous-- that is proof that she takes this marriage business seriously. But when did commitment become something to be avoided at all costs? Link to post Share on other sites
morrigan Posted May 31, 2005 Share Posted May 31, 2005 Originally posted by RecordProducer Why not graduate, find jobs, get financially stable, "grow up" a little bit more, try and live together first then plan marriage? My experience tells me that whenever people are in a hurry to get married, there's usually something else going on behind the curtains. I agree--this is the time for you to make independent decisions about your life without the added complications of a marriage. Marriage isn't a rock to cling to when you're uncertain about life. If you personally don't believe in living with him without being married, find homes nearby eachother--but don't get married because you want to be seen as "legit." You will learn a lot more about yourself, and both the good and rough in life, if you take charge of your life for awhile, keep dating your bf, and then decide another year or two down the road if you still want to get married. Another 1-2 years is not a long time--you'll get more confidence in yourself, and either you'll be better prepared for marriage, or you'll decide that this relationship is not right for you. There seems to be this sentiment that marriage is the last thing you should do-- after you've slept around, lived with a man or two, traveled the world and your fertility is on its last leg. Maybe there are a few people who can handle the responsibility of marriage when they're pretty young, but not many. Many people I've known who got married very young did so for security reasons (financial, pregnant/wanting kids, scared of being alone.) Regardless of age, someone should be emotionally and financially independent person before they make such a serious commitment, or it's a recipe for disaster. Link to post Share on other sites
rtobiejr Posted May 31, 2005 Share Posted May 31, 2005 Maybe there are a few people who can handle the responsibility of marriage when they're pretty young, but not many. Many people I've known who got married very young did so for security reasons (financial, pregnant/wanting kids, scared of being alone.) Regardless of age, someone should be emotionally and financially independent person before they make such a serious commitment, or it's a recipe for disaster I agree. Security reasons are certainly not a reason to get married (and surprise! even many older people make this egregious mistake as well.) I also firmly believe that the success of a marriage is determined by the extent to which both parties aim to stick to each other and the marriage. We make many other life-changing decisions when we are young-- commitments that we stick to and honor, regardless of what age we were when we made them. I made the decision to be an attorney when I was in high school. Trust me, at many times my obstacles have seemed insurmountable-- difficult classes, difficult professors and a rigorous courseload. But I knew it would be work when I committed myself to it and I intend to see it through. A marriage will exact no less in the way of commitment. Examine yourselves now to be sure that you are willing to devote yourselves to a life together. No one coasts through a relationship and winds up spending the rest of their lives together. If you do choose to get married, OP, expect work, expect difficulties-- expect that your efforts will be well worth the rewards of a happy marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
UltimateZen Posted June 1, 2005 Share Posted June 1, 2005 Yes, life is scary. There are no absolutes. You need to want to cut the umbilical cord from your parents and get out on your own before you get married. There are still many lessons to be learned (finances, taxes, landlords, house payments, job interviews, etc) that you need experience in before you get married. Or, if you are lucky, your man is a wealthy man whom you can re-attach your umbilical cord to. Link to post Share on other sites
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