Parents Not Supportive

[ms_goldilocks]

Hi,

 

I am about to graduate and get a master's degree in Corporate Communication, specializing in PR and I'm planning to pursue the dream I've had since I was 7 years old, which is to move to the States and work there.

 

However, my parents never seem to support me. I've been preparing for my big step and new chapter in life but I always get comments like "As if you can make it on your own" or "keep dreaming, you aren't gonna make it". They don't seem to affect as much as they used to anymore because that only goes to show that I'll always have myself no matter what.

 

But sometimes it really hurts. I'm currently working as a publicist for an American actress, who isn't very famous at all and my dad said today "Just imagine how bad she must be since she takes someone like you to do her PR". And it kind of hurt. I'm good at pretending that it doesn't hurt, so I put on a facade and laugh at it with a "watch me doing it"-attitude, but deep down in hurts.

 

I don't need my parents' support for my career - everything I've done from college until now has been through my own ambitions and hard work, but at least they shouldn't say these things. How do I make sure they don't affect me at all? Should I just ignore it and do whatever I want, or?

[Amelie1980]

Im sorry about that.

 

My family has never supported me either. Instead of offering support, they highlight every effing thing that I am not and throw in my face anything that has gone wrong.

 

For example, when I lost my job, they said to me another f * * k up of your own doing when I was not my fault and I wasnt the only one to lose my job at the same time there.

 

How do you cope ...I dont know because it hurts so much that my own family dont really care and say horrible things.

 

Is the criticism constructive? Is this something that is going to be costly to you and maybe not pay off and leave you out of pocket or in debt?

[Tayla]

May I say how pleasing it is to read a young persons desire to aspire and follow thru!

 

Have you considered that now that you are an adult, you can address your parents remarks as you would others ? With, Hey Dad, mind if we discuss your view point? Seems rather negative and I'd be interested to know how my success warrants such remarks? Then listen. Chances are he will back off or give some contrived opinion that isn't merited in fact. You just need to plant the seed that you will hear him out , but he also needs to maturely admit that your actions themselves prove his viewpoint wrong. I am sorry that they say such things... you really do have a great future ahead of you. They should be so blessed.

[loveweary11]

One thing that helped me in relating to my often terrible parents is this:

 

They're just people like you, like your friends, like any jerk off the street.

 

Only difference is they got pregnant and had a kid. You just happen to be that kid.

 

They have no idea what they are doing and have TONS of their own emotional baggage. They're broken people like the rest of us in some way or another.

 

Just because they gave birth to you, don't have any expectations toward them or put them on a pedestal.

 

Accept them for who they are and live your life for you.

[ms_goldilocks]

Im sorry about that.

 

My family has never supported me either. Instead of offering support, they highlight every effing thing that I am not and throw in my face anything that has gone wrong.

 

For example, when I lost my job, they said to me another f * * k up of your own doing when I was not my fault and I wasnt the only one to lose my job at the same time there.

 

How do you cope ...I dont know because it hurts so much that my own family dont really care and say horrible things.

 

Is the criticism constructive? Is this something that is going to be costly to you and maybe not pay off and leave you out of pocket or in debt?

 

That's exactly what I went through last month. I work as a mentor at a mentor company here and the girl I was mentoring didn't feel that she was doing well because her way of learning is different, so she chose to get a new mentor, and I told my parents. When my brother came home from school, the first thing they told him was "Your sister got fired today!" - which isn't true because I wasn't fired I just stopped mentoring this girl.

 

I usually just think "F*ck it" and don't think about it for the rest of the day, but sometimes when I go to sleep and I'm in bed thinking about it, it kind of hurts knowing that your own parents don't believe in you. Aren't they the one who should be the most supportive?

 

Moving to America will be costly but I've been saving up for that, so it shouldn't be a problem. And due to everything I go through with the lack of my parents' support and them disapproving of my boyfriend, my relationship with them is colder from my part, so I wouldn't even ask them for financial support.. which is actually pretty sad.

[ms_goldilocks]

May I say how pleasing it is to read a young persons desire to aspire and follow thru!

 

Have you considered that now that you are an adult, you can address your parents remarks as you would others ? With, Hey Dad, mind if we discuss your view point? Seems rather negative and I'd be interested to know how my success warrants such remarks? Then listen. Chances are he will back off or give some contrived opinion that isn't merited in fact. You just need to plant the seed that you will hear him out , but he also needs to maturely admit that your actions themselves prove his viewpoint wrong. I am sorry that they say such things... you really do have a great future ahead of you. They should be so blessed.

 

Thanks a lot!

 

Well, actually, every time I try to address it, my dad usually says something like "Well, I didn't say you wouldn't succeed...". When he says (my mom isn't as bad as he) something like "You can't make it on your own", I say "Watch me do it", but we usually don't speak about it when he gives a remark.

 

Sometimes I give him the benefit of the doubt and believe that he's scared of losing me or the fact that I won't be around anymore, which is understandable, but I don't need people to tell me that I'm not good enough, because, even though I don't like to show it, it really hurts.

[ms_goldilocks]

One thing that helped me in relating to my often terrible parents is this:

 

They're just people like you, like your friends, like any jerk off the street.

 

Only difference is they got pregnant and had a kid. You just happen to be that kid.

 

They have no idea what they are doing and have TONS of their own emotional baggage. They're broken people like the rest of us in some way or another.

 

Just because they gave birth to you, don't have any expectations toward them or put them on a pedestal.

 

Accept them for who they are and live your life for you.

 

That is very true.

But we've always been close in my family until I got anorexia and I started feeling resentful because none of them noticed or usually said "get over it". Since then I started to take some kind of distance and started working so that I could make my own money and not feel like I owe my parents anything.

 

But the problem is, however, that my parents have given me a lot, so they always guilt-trip me saying stuff like "Look at everything we gave you bla bla bla", which makes me think that I'll feel guilty if I only focus on myself.. It's a vicious circle.

[loveweary11]

That is very true.

But we've always been close in my family until I got anorexia and I started feeling resentful because none of them noticed or usually said "get over it". Since then I started to take some kind of distance and started working so that I could make my own money and not feel like I owe my parents anything.

 

But the problem is, however, that my parents have given me a lot, so they always guilt-trip me saying stuff like "Look at everything we gave you bla bla bla", which makes me think that I'll feel guilty if I only focus on myself.. It's a vicious circle.

 

You are grown, doing very well in your life and self sufficient.

 

You can stop caring what they say. Ignore them. Set rules/boundaries.

 

You are now more mature than they are and you are in control.

 

Sometimes, distance works. They get the message eventually.

[LuckyLady13]

Ms Goldilocks, I read your first post, then got to your second and it hit me what's going on.

 

I knew someone with parents like yours. I was constantly rebuilding her broken self-esteem after the things they said to her. Your second post made it easy for me to see what's going on.

 

My mother used to point out to me jealous people and jealous behavior and when I was very young, I thought she was some kind of genius at reading people! Then, I got older and realized how she's so jealous that she recognizes her own kind. However, growing up with her constantly pointing jealous behavior out to me made it easy for me to see too, even though I don't have a jealous hair on my head or bone in my body anywhere at all.

 

Your parents have low self-esteem for whatever reason. Seeing you excel at anything is really bothering them. I do not agree with the mentality that everyone is broken. Some people do very well in life. What I do think, about your parents, is that they're just very immature for their age and don't know what to do with their self-esteem issues. When you make a slight mistake, they are pointing it out to feel better about themselves. This is very immature of them.

 

You're thinking about a career and moving to another country, doing it on your own and that's fantastic! They really should be proud but I think it's putting a spotlight on their own perceived insecurities about themselves. They're having a knee-jerk reaction.

 

I agree with Tayla! Have you considered responding to your parents remarks the way you would other adults in your life? You're growing up and spreading your wings. That's hard for them on their best day so it's especially hard since they obviously don't feel too great about themselves for some reason you'd know that I don't.

 

I do agree with loveweary11 saying sometimes distance works. At least until you get more sure of yourself, on your feet and they have time to realize you are your own person, not just an extension of them.

 

Don't fall for guilt trips. Your parents were supposed to raise you and give you things, take care of you but now it's time to take care of yourself and when capable, help take care of others too.

[crederer]

**** em. I had supportive parents but other people told me I would fail doing what I do (my god parents, uncles, aunts, etc). And I am quite successful for a person of my age.

 

Just do what you gotta do. The people that truly care about you will support you.

[truthtripper]

Hi,

 

I am about to graduate and get a master's degree in Corporate Communication, specializing in PR and I'm planning to pursue the dream I've had since I was 7 years old, which is to move to the States and work there.

 

However, my parents never seem to support me. I've been preparing for my big step and new chapter in life but I always get comments like "As if you can make it on your own" or "keep dreaming, you aren't gonna make it". They don't seem to affect as much as they used to anymore because that only goes to show that I'll always have myself no matter what.

 

But sometimes it really hurts. I'm currently working as a publicist for an American actress, who isn't very famous at all and my dad said today "Just imagine how bad she must be since she takes someone like you to do her PR". And it kind of hurt. I'm good at pretending that it doesn't hurt, so I put on a facade and laugh at it with a "watch me doing it"-attitude, but deep down in hurts.

 

I don't need my parents' support for my career - everything I've done from college until now has been through my own ambitions and hard work, but at least they shouldn't say these things. How do I make sure they don't affect me at all? Should I just ignore it and do whatever I want, or?

Your parents are downright abusive. It wouldn't be surprising if you are suffering from post traumatic stress. What you mention above is emotional abuse. I can relate to your story. My mum tried her very best to sabotage my career and friendships. She's totally deranged.

 

By any chance, do your parents run a family business that they want you to

continue?

 

(I didn't have time to read all the posts)

Edited November 29, 2015 by truthtripper

[truthtripper]

Sometimes I give him the benefit of the doubt and believe that he's scared of losing me or the fact that I won't be around anymore, which is understandable, but I don't need people to tell me that I'm not good enough, because, even though I don't like to show it, it really hurts.

Yes, he is scared of you leaving alright-you won't be around for him to abuse anymore, to dump all his fears and insecurities onto. In your family, you've been given the role of scapegoat, the family member who gets the blame for everything. It's always the member who exposes the family dysfunction(ie-you developed anorexia) who gets bullied and taunted. The best thing you can do is leave.

[AspenBaldwin]

Put them in a home when they get old, make them pay.

[truthtripper]

That is very true.

But we've always been close in my family until I got anorexia and I started feeling resentful because none of them noticed or usually said "get over it". Since then I started to take some kind of distance and started working so that I could make my own money and not feel like I owe my parents anything.

 

But the problem is, however, that my parents have given me a lot, so they always guilt-trip me saying stuff like "Look at everything we gave you bla bla bla", which makes me think that I'll feel guilty if I only focus on myself.. It's a vicious circle.

If your family were "close", they would have acknowledged your anorexia and supported you through your healing. If you were raised in an emotionally stable home, you may not have become anorexic in the first place. The dysfunction in your family existed since day one, not since you got anorexia.

 

Just because your parents gave you a lot, doesn't give them license to abuse you. As another poster mentioned, they are terribly broken people projecting their s*** onto you.

[ms_goldilocks]

Your parents are downright abusive. It wouldn't be surprising if you are suffering from post traumatic stress. What you mention above is emotional abuse. I can relate to your story. My mum tried her very best to sabotage my career and friendships. She's totally deranged.

 

By any chance, do your parents run a family business that they want you to

continue?

 

(I didn't have time to read all the posts)

 

I'm really sorry you went through the same thing. Sometimes I do feel like it's mental abuse. A few times I've heard my dad say In this house, I'M the boss and it always gives me goosebumps because I don't really need anyone to be "the boss". I do have post traumatic stress after my dad going crazy because of my boyfriend (I have another post on that). I even suffered from eating disorders that my family never noticed, so I do have a history of mental illnesses.

 

Anyway, my parents don't run any family businesses and, even if the did, I wouldn't continue it if it weren't something I wanted to do.

 

Lately, they've both been going on and on about how much better it is to live in Europe than the States, and how I should stay here because America is not a good place to live. And it's bulls**t! Comfort zone is not a good place to live in either.

[ms_goldilocks]

If your family were "close", they would have acknowledged your anorexia and supported you through your healing. If you were raised in an emotionally stable home, you may not have become anorexic in the first place. The dysfunction in your family existed since day one, not since you got anorexia.

 

Just because your parents gave you a lot, doesn't give them license to abuse you. As another poster mentioned, they are terribly broken people projecting their s*** onto you.

 

Totally agree on this. Maybe it's not their fault that I got anorexia but I blame them for not helping me through it. I'm just very sensitive to the term "abuse" because I always associate it with physical abuse which never ever happened in my family.

 

Even posting here makes me guilty because of their "We gave you everything"-talk.

[SpiralOut]

I don't think it will ever not affect you, but you can decrease the amount of contact that you have with them and you can limit how much information about yourself that you share with them. You need to put some distance between yourself and them so you have a chance to recover.

 

 

Even if you were to do as they want....stay in your home country and switch your career for something else.... they will just find something else about you to pick on. You're not doing anything wrong. They are the problem. If you don't like the term abuse, maybe just think of it as them treating you poorly. I still feel a bit weird admitting that my mother emotionally abused me, so usually I'll just think of it as bad parenting, or as treating me badly. And abusers aren't necessarily bad people. Usually they are just people with serious emotional problems who do not know any better. It doesn't make what they do okay, of course, and it doesn't mean they will change or that it's a good idea to be around them. But thinking of them like that makes things easier to accept.

Edited November 29, 2015 by SpiralOut

[turnera]

You know what you do with people who tell you that you'll never amount to anything?

 

Move on from them and prove them wrong.

 

If they don't want to support you, you don't need them.

[StBreton]

 

How do I make sure they don't affect me at all? Should I just ignore it and do whatever I want, or?

 

Sorry this is happening OP.

 

 

Next time they say something rude go and pat one of them on the head and say, "Poor mom/dad, forget your happy pill again this morning?" or pull out your cell phone and say, "Can you repeat that so I can record you...I'm making a documentary on pathetic parents for youtube."

 

Jk Goldilocks. In all seriousness, please ignore if you don't feel comfortable telling your parents to "knock off the BS...I want you to stop saying mean things." Seriously, you need to stick up for yourself.

 

Also, YOU must get yourself away from this toxic environment as soon as possible. There's just no excuse for this behavior ... I'm a mom and can't imagine such crazy business. Are your parents alcoholics? FYI...emotional abuse leaves scars just like physical abuse.

Edited November 30, 2015 by StBreton

[truthtripper]

Totally agree on this. Maybe it's not their fault that I got anorexia but I blame them for not helping me through it. I'm just very sensitive to the term "abuse" because I always associate it with physical abuse which never ever happened in my family.

 

Even posting here makes me guilty because of their "We gave you everything"-talk.

I got anorexia when I was 13, but it didn't spring out of nowhere. It was all the abuse I grew up in prior to this, that caused it. My family also neglected and blamed me for my condition.

 

As StBreton mentioned, verbal abuse has the same traumatic effect as physical abuse. If you ever see a therapist for your post traumatic stress, they will describe your parents' behaviour as abusive.

 

The "we gave you everything" talk is emotional blackmail.

Edited November 30, 2015 by truthtripper

[Sugarkane]

I'm studying PR too. Its good because there's so many areas to get into. My dads verbally abusive, autocratic and has anger issues. I always tell others like us this: Don't worry one day you can choose their nursing home.