healthyhopes Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 I have been texting someone for a really long time, and the relationship stayed just that-- a texting relationship-- for about five months. He clearly wanted to follow something romantic with me, but I was unsure and reserved and didn't want to show my feelings. I then suggested friends with benefits, and we were friends with benefits for about a month. From the beginning, I developed a crush on him; by the end of the friends with benefits relationship, my feelings were too strong too continue. He said he would never date me. Towards the end of the fwb relationship, he began acting colder-- I would show him something, and he would reply with "I don't want to see that". Now, I do not want fake happiness, but I felt as if this was very rude. In the beginning, it was nothing like this. We are two very different people, but I have grown very attached. I have since enacted no contact, and it has been such for six days. (today is the sixth) We never had sex, though have done other things for each other. Although we have been texting every single day for multiple months, we have never properly hung out, and I feel as if I'm missing the chance for friendship here. Perhaps I am fooling myself, but I feel as if he really hung out with me, he would like me back as well. I have many qualities he said he would want in a girlfriend. I miss him a lot, and I know he misses my friendship-- at least, the texting part of it [b(though i don't consider that to be actual friendship)[/b]. I'm hoping that through no contact, I will deattatch from him and also, in a secondary sense, he will see me as a different person. However, I am also worried this will cause him to grow farther apart. Since this was such a short relationship, not even a relationship at all, do you think I could decrease the no contact time and contact him tomorrow? Something short, a very quick conversation. I want him back at least as a friend... though perhaps I am just telling myself that. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 No. Don't demean yourself, or sell yourself short. Let him come to you, but with good reason. If he contacts you for self-gratification, do not insult your own integrity and dignity. If he doesn't, then you know just how important you were to him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author healthyhopes Posted November 24, 2015 Author Share Posted November 24, 2015 No. Don't demean yourself, or sell yourself short. Let him come to you, but with good reason. If he contacts you for self-gratification, do not insult your own integrity and dignity. If he doesn't, then you know just how important you were to him. But I'm the one that broke it off and told him that I didn't want to speak to him anymore, so I feel as if this is now he'll never initiate contact. However, he did try to talk to me once in real life, a short conversation, which I turned away from. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 But I'm the one that broke it off and told him that I didn't want to speak to him anymore, so I feel as if this is now he'll never initiate contact. Good. That's the whole point. Keep it up. You break No Contact now, you'll just come across as needy, desperate and as if you're playing games to get attention.... However, he did try to talk to me once in real life, a short conversation, which I turned away from. What exactly is it you want? Because you know, you can't keep pull-pushing. However, if you really want a good relationship with this guy, it's never going to happen, not in a million years. He's been using you up to now. He has no respect for you. A guy like that is not worth going after.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author healthyhopes Posted November 25, 2015 Author Share Posted November 25, 2015 Good. That's the whole point. Keep it up. You break No Contact now, you'll just come across as needy, desperate and as if you're playing games to get attention.... What exactly is it you want? Because you know, you can't keep pull-pushing. However, if you really want a good relationship with this guy, it's never going to happen, not in a million years. He's been using you up to now. He has no respect for you. A guy like that is not worth going after.... So there's no way for him to value me again and want more? I just want him to want to be around me, as much as I want to be around him... Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 So there's no way for him to value me again and want more? I just want him to want to be around me, as much as I want to be around him... You can't make anyone be the way you want them to be. He will never want to be around you the way you want to be around him, because he never has wanted that. Not by any stint of miracle is that ever going to happen. He's treated you like a sex object from the word go. He never valued you, not once you gave in to his 'romantic advances' His romantic advances were a device to get between your legs and use you for sex. He got what he wanted. You offered yourself up on a platter and he took it. But he told you he would never date you. To be fair, you threw yourself at him and did what you hoped would keep him; you wanted the relationship to evolve. For you, it was more than fwb. To him, it was just a way of getting his rocks off. He's a hopeless case and really you are much better off without him, and working instead on your self-esteem, self-worth and personal value. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 He's already spent time with you when you guys were FWB (and no sex) he got to know you then and if he were interested in taking it further he would have. He has said he will not date you. That sounds pretty clear to me so why aren't you listening? I agree that you should stay NC because you will come across as needy and not knowing what you want. Also he has made it very clear that he doesn't want to date you. You can't be friends with him because your emotions are involved. As his friend would you be okay to hear about and hang out with other girls he is seeing? I didn't think so; but that's what friends do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author healthyhopes Posted November 25, 2015 Author Share Posted November 25, 2015 Alright... God. So even if i initiate contact again, and start up talking like we used to, and then initiate hanging out, nothing will come from it? He will never want to even be friends with me? I never explicitly asked for what I wanted-- hanging out, a relationship, etc-- and this is all my fault. I feel so amazingly lame. I know he depends on me because he has been opening up to me every single day since the beginning of the summer, so he has to miss me in some way, but I really want to be actually friends with people and spend time with them. He knew this and never initiated hanging out, so I suppose that is a lost cause. I just like to have my problems fixed and rounded, I hate leaving them like this. Despite no contact, I keep feeling worse and worse. What do I do next time he says hello? Say hello back? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 Alright... God. So even if i initiate contact again, and start up talking like we used to, and then initiate hanging out, nothing will come from it? He will never want to even be friends with me? I guess spelling it out to you so far hasn't worked....? I never explicitly asked for what I wanted-- hanging out, a relationship, etc-- I suspect he knew anyway.... and this is all my fault.No, it isn't. It takes 2 to tango. He definitely used you. And still would given half a chance.... I feel so amazingly lame. I know he depends on me because he has been opening up to me every single day since the beginning of the summer, so he has to miss me in some way, He fully expects you to go crawling back to him... that's why he hasn't tried any form of contact. but I really want to be actually friends with people and spend time with them. as stated, 'friendship' with someone you'd rather have in a 'relationship' is both impossible and utterly impractical. He knew this and never initiated hanging out, so I suppose that is a lost cause. Penny's dropping.... I just like to have my problems fixed and rounded, I hate leaving them like this.When there are other protagonists, somethimes it can't always turn out the way we want it to. Sorry, you'll just have to suck it up and accept it.... Despite no contact, I keep feeling worse and worse. It's only been 6 days. It WILL get worse before it gets better. Coming out of a situation like this is actually, literally physically like coming off hard drugs and going cold turkey. But exactly. What do I do next time he says hello? Say hello back?NOOOOO!! You do not respond, react, reply or acknowledge any form or attempt to contact you at al;, ever in any way! Read the NC Guide in my signature. (1st post by me) and stick with it 100%, 100% of the time!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author healthyhopes Posted November 25, 2015 Author Share Posted November 25, 2015 Alright, thanks. Though harsh, that was truthful. I do deserve more, and if I try to reach out in this state, I will only receive less. I can't find your NC guide Link to post Share on other sites
Scarlett.O'hara Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 I’m sorry you’re hurting. It is clear how much this guy means to you, so I can understand why you don’t want to let him go. It is very hard. As difficult as it seems, I really think it is in your best interests to let him go. The reason being, you are going to continue to be hurt and rejected by this guy because he doesn’t care as much or want the same things you do. It will do damage to your self-esteem in the long run. Another reason is that it will get in the way of you being able to move on and meet another guy, which you deserve. It is really difficult to reach out to your future while you are holding on to the past. There is a good match out there for you, but it isn’t this one. It sounds like you are ready for a relationship now, so I think the time is right to let this guy go so the right guy has a chance to give you what you want and need. When two people are right for each other it shouldn’t be this difficult. I know it won’t be easy but I think you will be much happier in the long run if you let him go. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 Alright, thanks. Though harsh, that was truthful. I do deserve more, and if I try to reach out in this state, I will only receive less. I can't find your NC guide Here it is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author healthyhopes Posted February 2, 2016 Author Share Posted February 2, 2016 both happy and sad to say.... What was I thinking??? Link to post Share on other sites
Author healthyhopes Posted February 2, 2016 Author Share Posted February 2, 2016 wow I didn't expect this to pop right back up into the queue on the forum gross I want this manboy flushed out of my system forever Link to post Share on other sites
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