Caught deployed husband in emotional affair.

[Lady Nyx]

Almost two weeks ago I caught my husband, who is currently deployed, in am emotional affair. I was absolutely shocked when I discovered it because I always considered my husband to be a very honorable man. I found out because late one night, out of nowhere, I had this overwhelming feeling that I needed to break into his Facebook account and look through his messages. I had never, ever done that before nor felt the need to, just for the record.

 

So I figured out his password and began to look through his saved messages. I find nothing. But then suddenly a new message alert pops up - it is a message from him to another woman. She quickly responds and a short conversation ensues. I am seeing all of this happen in real time. I would not be too keen on my husband talking to another woman who I don't know behind my back period, but this conversation was particularly upsetting because he wrote a few slightly romantic/intimate things to her. I clicked on this woman's Facebook profile and with very little digging discovered that she is also in the military and currently deployed.

 

I quickly realized that they must be deployed together. My husband was actually Facebook messaging me at the same time he was messaging her - ouch! So I immediately send my husband a message telling him that I know he is cheating on me. He calls me and, of course, fighting ensues.

 

He insists that the whole thing was only a flirtation taken too far. However, there are other little details that tell me it was beyond a flirtation. He admitted to the thought of having sex with her cross his mind and told me that he had developed feelings for her. That is the definition of emotional affair! He told me his involvement with her had been going on for two weeks.

 

How do you actually develop feelings for someone after two weeks. He insists nothing sexual happened and I am inclined to believe that but I am disinclined to believe that nothing more happened like spending time alone, cuddling, telling each other intimate life details.

 

I ended up finding out who her husband was and telling him about the whole thing. Fortunately, her husband (not military) was able to keep himself collected and did not want to make a scene or try to get the in trouble (Adultery is a career-ruining offense in the military. Sexual intercourse must be proven to be charged but it's possible that the discovery of just the flirtatious behavior/emotional affair could have career damaging consequences).

 

I would have really regretted telling the husband if he would have made a scene. However, I'm not sure if my husband would have stopped if the OW also hadn't been confronted about it by her spouse. Anyways, to make a very long story a little less long, my husband won't talk about the issue with me. He refuses to tell me exactly how everything happened or even admit that it was more than flirting gone too far. He did tell me he was sorry and that he does love me and doesn't want our marriage to be over. However, he I feel like he didn't show enough emotion and regret. He didn't grovel or cry or profess exactly how much he really loves me.

 

And now, over this past week, he has really pulled away from me. This is all so upsetting to me but it is also ridiculously confusing. Only one month ago he was sending me messages telling me that I was his best friend, that he missed me, posting romantic things on my Facebook page, and told me he felt lucky to have me as his wife. And then this happened.

 

How does a man go from professing great love for his wife to developing feelings for another woman? If he really is sorry how come he is not groveling and begging forgiveness? Will he come to a point where he realizes that his feelings for OW were not real and feel deep regret for what he did? Can my marriage actually be put back together and happy again?

 

Honestly, I had always thought that not only did he love me but that he adored me - people would often comment that my husband seemed to adore me. I had such security in his love and loyalty to me. It was the one thing in life that gave me a measure of calm and peace and now it has been destroyed.

Edited November 28, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs ~6

[katielee]

my husband won't talk about the issue with me. He refuses to tell me exactly how everything happened or even admit that it was more than flirting gone too far.

 

oh honey, I''m so sorry you're here... Read up on the 180... you need to detach from him.

Also, I'd say this, to what I have quoted above... "you have one hour to come clean with me or I will see a divorce attorney." And then do it. He is suffering no consequences... He won't feel remorse and regret (and defog from how this relationships made him feel, it really has nothing to do with HER) until the s h i t hits the fan.

[wmacbride]

If he is deployed, it's not going to be something you can really begin to work through Until he gets home. Been there, and done that. As hard as it may be to wait, you will have to. Build yourself a good support system, and keep your eye and ears open for nay further signs he is cheating.

[mystikmind2005]

Emotions are not always fair or logical.

 

With that in mind, my guess is that he is probably feeling violated and that is why he is pulling away.

 

It is funny, people still manage to feel deeply offended by mistrust even when they were doing something untrustworthy. Emotions are complex!

[Popsicle]

Supposedly, it is common for the deployed to have a girlfriend or boyfriend while they are deployed just to get them through deployment. It's like an "everybody's doing it" thing. He may have succumbed to the pressure.

[katielee]

Supposedly, it is common for the deployed to have a girlfriend or boyfriend while they are deployed just to get them through deployment. It's like an "everybody's doing it" thing. He may have succumbed to the pressure.

 

But that's an excuse. Peer pressure made me have an affair?

I'm not sure what to tell you about handling an affair while the WS is deployed. Maybe someone who has been there will come along to help? I hope?

[EverySunset]

Sadly, deployment affairs are secretly very very common. Some stay emotional, a crutch to get them "through it" and some go further, but disproportionately less than EAs. I've seen lots of them happen, only to be discarded once they are back stateside. In my experience (I used to live in a military town) I have ONLY seen women try to keep them going once they come home and I've never seen it work although I know a lot stayed low key friends and no one else ever knows.

 

Google "deployment wife" to understand more.

 

These men are put through the wringer overseas and this is a poor coping mech, but desperate people reach out in desperate ways. Myself, I have no tolerance for it in a relationship but I know plenty of girls who have put up with it and went to MC and got their original husband back. However, I will caveat that with the fact that multiple deployments tend to see the WS repeat history with more inappropriate relationships to "just get through it".

 

GOOD LUCK. The best way to figure out if you want to get through it is to talk to a counselor and there are usually great ones to choose from through Tri-C. And lean on other RELIABLE military wives. Rumor Mills are vicious on base, but some of these wives have been there (sometimes multiple times) and can help.

 

Either way, take care of yourself. You will get through this and be ok no matter what happens to your relationship or partner. Focus on YOU.

 

HUGS

[Mr. Lucky]

He insists nothing sexual happened and I am inclined to believe that but I am disinclined to believe that nothing more happened like spending time alone, cuddling, telling each other intimate life details.

 

How did you come to this conclusion? Oftentimes, especially in the proximity of alcohol, sex happens first and the emotional connection and flirtation follows. Be careful of making assumptions without all the information.

 

Sorry you're in this situation. Deployment is obviously tough on marriages...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Cloudcuckoo]

Almost two weeks ago I caught my husband, who is currently deployed, in am emotional affair. I was absolutely shocked when I discovered it because I always considered my husband to be a very honorable man. I found out because late one night, out of nowhere, I had this overwhelming feeling that I needed to break into his Facebook account and look through his messages. I had never, ever done that before nor felt the need to, just for the record. So I figured out his password and began to look through his saved messages. I find nothing. But then suddenly a new message alert pops up - it is a message from him to another woman. She quickly responds and a short conversation ensues. I am seeing all of this happen in real time. I would not be too keen on my husband talking to another woman who I don't know behind my back period, but this conversation was particularly upsetting because he wrote a few slightly romantic/intimate things to her. I clicked on this woman's Facebook profile and with very little digging discovered that she is also in the military and currently deployed. I quickly realized that they must be deployed together. My husband was actually Facebook messaging me at the same time he was messaging her - ouch! So I immediately send my husband a message telling him that I know he is cheating on me. He calls me and, of course, fighting ensues. He insists that the whole thing was only a flirtation taken too far. However, there are other little details that tell me it was beyond a flirtation. He admitted to the thought of having sex with her cross his mind and told me that he had developed feelings for her. That is the definition of emotional affair! He told me his involvement with her had been going on for two weeks. How do you actually develop feelings for someone after two weeks. He insists nothing sexual happened and I am inclined to believe that but I am disinclined to believe that nothing more happened like spending time alone, cuddling, telling each other intimate life details. I ended up finding out who her husband was and telling him about the whole thing. Fortunately, her husband (not military) was able to keep himself collected and did not want to make a scene or try to get the in trouble (Adultery is a career-ruining offense in the military. Sexual intercourse must be proven to be charged but it's possible that the discovery of just the flirtatious behavior/emotional affair could have career damaging consequences). I would have really regretted telling the husband if he would have made a scene. However, I'm not sure if my husband would have stopped if the OW also hadn't been confronted about it by her spouse. Anyways, to make a very long story a little less long, my husband won't talk about the issue with me. He refuses to tell me exactly how everything happened or even admit that it was more than flirting gone too far. He did tell me he was sorry and that he does love me and doesn't want our marriage to be over. However, he I feel like he didn't show enough emotion and regret. He didn't grovel or cry or profess exactly how much he really loves me. And now, over this past week, he has really pulled away from me. This is all so upsetting to me but it is also ridiculously confusing. Only one month ago he was sending me messages telling me that I was his best friend, that he missed me, posting romantic things on my Facebook page, and told me he felt lucky to have me as his wife. And then this happened. How does a man go from professing great love for his wife to developing feelings for another woman? If he really is sorry how come he is not groveling and begging forgiveness? Will he come to a point where he realizes that his feelings for OW were not real and feel deep regret for what he did? Can my marriage actually be put back together and happy again? Honestly, I had always thought that not only did he love me but that he adored me - people would often comment that my husband seemed to adore me. I had such security in his love and loyalty to me. It was the one thing in life that gave me a measure of calm and peace and now it has been destroyed.

 

I'm so sorry this has happened to you, and wanted to tell you that I completely understand the situation you find yourself in.

 

My husband was 24 years navy, and it's so hard when they're not at home to really get to grips with it all isn't it?

 

The affair is horrendous enough, but when you are also forced to have it all hanging in the air because of the protracted separation, it makes the whole thing unimaginably difficult to navigate.

 

Can he get some compassionate? Does he want to?

 

If he is refusing to discussing anything about it with you he needs to get his ass home and sort it out. That's cruelty, and he must be made to face his behaviour whether he likes it or not.

 

What he's putting you through is easier because he has distance, and that's really dreadful.

 

Tell him to get some leave sorted or you'll tell his C.O.

 

I offer my sincere empathy.

 

Cuckoo X

[wmacbride]

It is really hard to sort through something like this when you are thousands of miles apart. Something someone told me when my H and I went through this is that, as hard as it can be, you can't address problems when you can only talk through email or maybe a phone call every few weeks.

Like I said before, build your support system and gather knowledge about what your options are. If he had an EA, do you think you can move past it? Do you think he's telling you the truth? What will you do if he is not? If you do decide that this is not something you can tolerate, what are your legal options?

 

Is there any sort of military family support center in your area? If so, is there someone there who you can speak to, off the record, about what you are going through? If so, they can really help.

[Oberfeldwebel]

Deployments can be tough on families and spouses will sometime react to the stress in strange ways you did not think them possible of doing. I think that most relationships can be saved, but it must start with the offending party confessing their transgressions and being contrite. Your husband does not appear to be either, only sorry that he got caught. Because of that, there is really nothing for you to forgive, since he isn’t truly sorry and therefore not a legitimate chance of reconciliation.

 

Because of his position, I recommend the following.

 

1. Insist on a full accounting for the events that took place, including a written timeline of events, answering any and all of your questions.

2. Insist on open inspection of all media for the rest of the deployment (facebook, twitter, etc)

3. No contact with OW, except that is essential for mission purposes.

4. Consult with an attorney, you can’t file and I would not tell him, but you need to know your rights. Knowledge is power.

5. I don’t believe you mentioned children, if you do have children, then you need to consider what you would want to do with custody, child visitation, etc. This is just a plan to be prepared and it will put you in the driver’s seat, since he is only thinking of himself right now.

6. I would also make a financial plan, possibly open you own account. Don’t move funds, but you will have it, if the time come.

 

Hopefully, he will come to his senses and do what is right on his own, but I doubt that will happen. If he does not consent to 1-3 above, then there is really nothing to talk about and I would limit contact. I know that this may not seem natural or what you would normally do, but withdrawing your emotional support from him will have more of an impact than you know. You have to stick to your guns though and demand accountability from him. I think that once he sees that you are serious and that he could lose this relationship, he will straighten up and fly right. If he doesn’t, then he wasn’t the man that you thought you were marrying in the first place. Best of luck to you and your family.