new issue

[dlr81]

Hello all.

 

I kind of have a long story, and just looking for advice, opionions, etc..

 

Ok, so my first marriage lasted from 2003 until 2008. I made the decision to leave my wife because she was cheating. She has a daughter, and when we first got together, her daughter was just a little over a year old. Anyway, the dad wasn't in the picture, so I took over the dad role with no problem, and accepted her as my own.

 

Anyway, in 2005, we finally got pregnant with our own baby, and in 2006 he was born.

 

In May 2008, I made the decision to leave and I moved out. She had moved 4 hours away to be with the guy she cheated on me with. She left our 2 year old son with me, only because I told her that she could not take him. She also left her 5 year old daughter, and her daughter actually lived with her mom while she was gone, and I would still go and pick her up and be with her. My ex's family was always really supportive, and helped me financially to get re-started.

 

Anyway, in August 2008 I met someone, and we hit it off quick, and sometime in September we found out we were pregnant..That changed everything of course. Anyway, so my girlfriend moved in with me since we were pregnant. So it was me, my 2 year old son, and new girlfriend who was now pregnant. When my step-daughter ( who I claimed as mine) came over, I noticed it really bothered my girlfriend when she was around, but she accepted my son with no problem it seemed. My sons mom still came around maybe twice a month and pick him up for the weekends.

 

Anyway, so fast forward to January 2009, I get my divorce papers completed, and we get officially divorced. She allowed me to have full custody of our son. So, I could increasingly tell that my girlfriend just did not want my step-daughter around. So unfortunately, I stopped picking her up and seeing her. The only time I would see her is when I would take my son to meet his mom and I would talk to her briefly.

 

In June 2009, our baby is born.

 

In October 2009, we got married. Things had been going good, but I was getting to where I increasingly missed my step-daughter. So we talk about it one night, and she told me that she didn't like it when she came around because my step-daughter told her that she was the reason her mommy and I split up. (Which obviously wasn't the case.) When she told me that, I called my ex-wife and asked if she had been telling her daughter things like that to say to my new wife. She said no, she did not do that. So I had a strike against me because my new wife was saying I didn't trust her, and I believed my ex-wife over her.

 

I know people do those kind of things unfortunately, but I also know 5 year old kids can come up with that stuff on their own. So I guess I will never know. Anyway, my new wife basically told me that if I chose to want to have a relationship with my step-daughter, that this was not for her. So I was in a bad place I thought, of course I wasn't going to leave my new wife and new baby behind..but it really tore something in me, and something changed.

 

It seemed like after that everything started going downhill in our marriage. We had our good days and bad, but the bad seemed to be increasingly worse. She still loved my son like her own, and he was even calling her mommy..not because we told him to, he just picked up on it. (My ex-wife hated this of course, and I told her I did not tell him to call her mommy).

 

My wife and I had another baby in 2011.

 

Fast forward to 2012...things had gotten pretty bad at this point..we were more like roommates. She would try to reach out to me, but it was like I was so shut out, and felt no connection at all, and I felt I still had some hidden built up resentment for not being able to see my step-daughter..so we went through periods of fights, and name calling, etc..one night in 2012, we were laying in bed, and she said "I don't want to be with you, but I have no where else to go." So that set me off...I went into the living room. I start texting my ex-wife and told her I need to make arrangements with our son since things are changing here at home.

 

So my ex starts questioning things like what happened, etc..and for some reason, I decided to vent to her. My wife came into the living room, and wanted to see my phone, but I would not let her because I thought it was none of her business now. So I never showed her. Anyway, she eventually found out that I was texting my ex-wife that night, and I tried to cover it up, but confessed. I only covered it up because I knew it would cause more problems. I knew deep down it wasn't flirting or anything like that, it was like talking and venting to someone, but my wife doesn't believe me.

 

So forward to 2015..we had many more ups and downs...my wife hated it when my ex-wife would pick up our son 5-10 minutes early, or if she dropped him off 5-10 minutes late. She would always have me tell my ex-wife "no" when she asked for favors that pertained to our son. She told me I always let my ex get away with everything. etc..

 

One night we got into an argument, and she was going on about my ex, and I said "well at least my ex didn't do this or that" etc..and I realize that was not good, because she saw that as me comparing her to my ex and saying she is better..etc..

 

Over the years I had developed so much anxiety that lead to performance anxiety at times, and she didn't believe that was my problem, she just thought it was because I was not interested in her (which was not true) and we got to where we really had no sex life at all, and barely talked to one another unless it was about the kids. We briefly went through counseling, but didn't seem to help long.

 

So here I am today getting ready to move out and separate. I will be taking my now 9 year old son with me since I have full custody. She can of course still see him though, and I will get my other 2 sons every other weekend. I know I wasn't perfect, and said and did a lot of bad stuff..I felt like I had turned into someone I didn't even like. I can see why she acted the way she did sometimes, but we always misinterpreted each other it seemed like. So this is what it is today.

 

Do you think it sounds like a split or separation is good? Just wanting to vent to you all who may have similiar stories, and opinions, advice.

 

Thanks

Edited December 1, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~6

[HopeForTomorrow]

My first thought is that I feel very sorry for your step-daughter. She was only 3 years old when you left, and she knew no other father other than you. What must she have felt when you stopped seeing her? How does a child of that age reconcile the fact that you stopped seeing her, yet you still saw her brother (your son) all the time? All she knew was that you were her dad.

 

Your second wife had no business asking you not to see your step-daughter, and I wish you would have put your foot down and told her that instead of bowing to her wishes. She sounds like a selfish person.

 

I think your focus should now be (and should have been before) to make sure that your kids' lives are stable. They have gone through a lot in a relatively short period of time. If you leave your second wife, then please give yourself time to work on you and focus on your kids instead of jumping into a relationship right away.

 

Best of luck.

[KBarletta]

Welcome dlr81. Sorry you are in this situation, but welcome to LS.

Honestly, it sounds like there are issues that need to be addressed for everyone involved in this situation. You already stated that you know you made mistakes, and that you and your current wife had tried counseling. That's good. Clearly, you and your ex had issues or she wouldn't be your ex and wouldn't have cheated on you. But it also sounds like you have unresolved issues in your relationship and never really got closure there. Is that correct?

Your current wife clearly has jealousy issues with you and your ex as well, which sounds like it has poisoned your relationship in recent years.

 

In short, I honestly think this separation might be the best thing for you. You can take time to concentrate on yourself, figure out what you want and focus most of all on being a good dad to your kids. Not much about this is good, but you can definitely make the best of a bad situation.

 

I wish you luck and would encourage you to seek out individual counseling both for yourself and your spouse and children if appropriate. There is no shortage of issues to address here. I'd also encourage you to keep posting here - all of us have been in your shoes or similar shoes at one time or another. There is a lot of good advice from people who have been down the same road as you.

 

And one final small bit of advice - paragraph marks can do wonders if you want people to actually attempt to read what you write.

 

KTB

[dlr81]

My first thought is that I feel very sorry for your step-daughter. She was only 3 years old when you left, and she knew no other father other than you. What must she have felt when you stopped seeing her? How does a child of that age reconcile the fact that you stopped seeing her, yet you still saw her brother (your son) all the time? All she knew was that you were her dad.

 

Your second wife had no business asking you not to see your step-daughter, and I wish you would have put your foot down and told her that instead of bowing to her wishes. She sounds like a selfish person.

 

I think your focus should now be (and should have been before) to make sure that your kids' lives are stable. They have gone through a lot in a relatively short period of time. If you leave your second wife, then please give yourself time to work on you and focus on your kids instead of jumping into a relationship right away.

 

Best of luck.

 

Thank you, and thanks for the response.

 

It was very hard for me to handle when I knew I could see her. She was actually 5, but had only known me as her dad. I should have put my foot down and said no. She is now 13. My wife told me she didn't like her coming around because she told her that she was the cause me and her mommy broke up. My wife thought that my ex was manipulating her to say that. I confront my ex and she said she didn't have her say anything like that. I mean I know kids think that kind of stuff on their own too. My wife took it as me believing my ex over her when I confronted my ex...anyways, it's never been good.

 

I definitely felt like I moved way too fast and didn't give myself the time I needed to heal.

[dlr81]

Welcome dlr81. Sorry you are in this situation, but welcome to LS.

Honestly, it sounds like there are issues that need to be addressed for everyone involved in this situation. You already stated that you know you made mistakes, and that you and your current wife had tried counseling. That's good. Clearly, you and your ex had issues or she wouldn't be your ex and wouldn't have cheated on you. But it also sounds like you have unresolved issues in your relationship and never really got closure there. Is that correct?

Your current wife clearly has jealousy issues with you and your ex as well, which sounds like it has poisoned your relationship in recent years.

 

In short, I honestly think this separation might be the best thing for you. You can take time to concentrate on yourself, figure out what you want and focus most of all on being a good dad to your kids. Not much about this is good, but you can definitely make the best of a bad situation.

 

I wish you luck and would encourage you to seek out individual counseling both for yourself and your spouse and children if appropriate. There is no shortage of issues to address here. I'd also encourage you to keep posting here - all of us have been in your shoes or similar shoes at one time or another. There is a lot of good advice from people who have been down the same road as you.

 

And one final small bit of advice - paragraph marks can do wonders if you want people to actually attempt to read what you write.

 

KTB

 

Haha yeah I realize I should have made this post a little easier to read now! What I was doing was writing and saving on WordPad.

 

Thanks though, I already feel better just being around others.

 

I know I did and said some hurtful things to my wife, but I guess I just lost myself and felt lost inside.

 

I also said things like this when we would get in bad arguments....."well I never had problems like this with me ex" or "at least my ex let me do this or that etc..." I know would be hurtful to hear your spouse say, but I just felt I was pushed to a certain degree and had a lot held inside.

 

My ex seems to have her act together these days, so I found no reason myself to tell her no all the time. Aby time my ex will ask a favor, my wife will straight up tell me to tell her no. She wants my ex to follow the divorce papers to the T. When it doesn't bother me to say yes every now and then. If I do end up telling my ex yes to something or that's okay, my wife will take that as me still having feelings for her etc...when I do not have those type of feelings. I just want a good relationship with my ex for my son.

 

Anyway, my wife says she is that way because of the times I've compared her to her...and that developed a resentment towards her.

 

I honestly feel like I am going to have a anxiety attack at times when my ex texts me or tries to call...crazy I know.

 

 

I know I will like it here because I know you all will tell me where I'm right and where I'm wrong, and lots of good advice. I really feel a little better already.

 

I'm not here to bad talk my wife either, but I feel like her expectations are so high and I don't feel like I should have to handle my ex the way she wants.

[Mr. Lucky]

Lot's of self-inflicted wounds, from moving someone you've known for a month into your life to letting your wife dictate contact with your stepdaughter.

 

Slow. Things. Down. You've got 3 kids to provide for, their stability and support shoud be your exclusive focus. I see no mention of MC, lots to think about saving here. You've been steamrolled into some disastrous decision, time to think things through, cause and effect. Keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

[dlr81]

True..I realize I moved way too fast after I left my first wife.

 

We did attempt counseling, but couldn't stop arguing or being in disagreements to finish our sessions.

 

Just an update..I did get an apartment. I think the separation will do some good, I hope. My biggest worry is about the kids and how they will take it..but I also it's not healthy for them to see this sort of life of a married couple. I don't want them to think this is how it works.

 

When I told my wife that I accepted the apartment, she was annoyed and said I really didn't care and I really didn't want to make it work...etc..although she was the one telling me it's over and I need to get out asap (after I last blow up) and she had even been asking me if I had found a place yet, and even bought extra groceries and said I could take some of those with me etc..I didn't know I was supposed to be begging for this not to happen, but anyway, it's happening.

 

I just hope the move goes smoothly and the kids will be okay.

[KBarletta]

True..I realize I moved way too fast after I left my first wife.

 

We did attempt counseling, but couldn't stop arguing or being in disagreements to finish our sessions.

 

Just an update..I did get an apartment. I think the separation will do some good, I hope. My biggest worry is about the kids and how they will take it..but I also it's not healthy for them to see this sort of life of a married couple. I don't want them to think this is how it works.

 

When I told my wife that I accepted the apartment, she was annoyed and said I really didn't care and I really didn't want to make it work...etc..although she was the one telling me it's over and I need to get out asap (after I last blow up) and she had even been asking me if I had found a place yet, and even bought extra groceries and said I could take some of those with me etc..I didn't know I was supposed to be begging for this not to happen, but anyway, it's happening.

 

I just hope the move goes smoothly and the kids will be okay.

 

 

You are right that it is not healthy for kids to grow up in an environment of conflict and volatility like that. So it may be the best thing for them in the long run. Kids are remarkably resilient and adaptable. The most important thing is that you and your wife and ex wife continue to put them first, concentrate your energy on being good parents and make sure that none of you use them as pawns that you play against each other to score points in your own adult conflicts. I've seen that happen and it always, always always does more harm than good. Put the kids first, don't play them against their parents, and they should be fine.

 

I also would advise you to really commit to using this separation as a time to search your own feelings and decide what you want - don't take it too fast and return to a bad situation just because you or someone else gets lonely or afraid for the future. Really put in the time to evaluate where to go next. Counseling (individual our group) to explore what happened and what is coming up could do you good.

[dlr81]

Hello again all. Just wanted to give you all an update. Tomorrow will be a week since I've been in my new apartment. I must say, things have went a lot more smoothly than I expected. The kids have been good too. My 4 year old doesn't quite understand, but I know he will get into a routine. I must say, I have felt zero stress since I've moved. I have been sleeping better than ever too. My ex is still off and on with being upset with me saying I destroyed out marriage...but I'm trying to not let anything get to me. I am going to use this time to find myself again, and be my true self. Just wanted to update you all, this site really does help!

[Mr. Lucky]

Glad to hear you're situated and moving forward. Keep your life simple and focused on your kids, you'll be surprised at how soon things will seem normal...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Emerald_11]

Hello again all. Just wanted to give you all an update. Tomorrow will be a week since I've been in my new apartment. I must say, things have went a lot more smoothly than I expected. The kids have been good too. My 4 year old doesn't quite understand, but I know he will get into a routine. I must say, I have felt zero stress since I've moved. I have been sleeping better than ever too. My ex is still off and on with being upset with me saying I destroyed out marriage...but I'm trying to not let anything get to me. I am going to use this time to find myself again, and be my true self. Just wanted to update you all, this site really does help!

 

Hi! I my husband moved out 10 days ago now and I know what you are talking about. When a toxic or not compatible person is removed from your daily reality it is a huge relief. I feel a lot better also. My kids and I talked about what happened and they understand. They are still happy and now that I am not distracted by him and all the drama and negativity he brought anymore I can focus on my kids more. That is what you need to do is really focus on what is important to you and think about where your life is heading.such as career wise or maybe you could go to school to get certified for something to better your situation. Now is a perfect opportunity to re invent yourself! Become the best you that you can imagine. Nothing is impossible.

[dlr81]

Ok some more updates...well you know I have custody of my first child with my first wife...anyway, his mom wasn't around much at the time so my soon to be ex wife helped with raising him, and she sees him as hers. Anyway, his bio mom said she is perfectly fine with letting him spend the night at her house still and be in her life, but she has to talk to her. My wife refuses to speak to my ex, even when my ex tries to talk to her about her son. My ex told me that if my wife isn't willing to cooperate, and get to know her and be civil with her, that she doesn't want our son spending the night there. She said he can still go there, but no over night stays.

 

Anyway, I told my wife this and she was not happy..She said I have control over that and that I'm letting my ex control me. I do not see it that way. I mean my sons biological mom still has rights, and all she is wanting to do is get to know my wife and be able to communicate with her. So am I in the wrong with agreeing with my ex wife regarding our son? I just thought since we are separated now, my wife did loose some of that authority. I just want to make sure I'm not doing the wrong thing. I just want peace with them, and for them to have peace for the kids.

[dlr81]

Since I have moved into my apartment, I am slowly adjusting. I have my 1 son from my first marriage who is 9 (I have full custody), and 2 children with current wife that I'm separated with.

 

Anyway, my first wife has really gotten her life together the last couple of years, and is in a stable marriage herself. She is requesting to have more time with our son now (my current wife would never allow her any time to see him if it would be out of what the divorce papers say) I am fine with letting her see her son more, but when I told my current wife, she was not happy. My first wife said she didn't really want our son staying the night at her house since we are separated, until she got to know her..so she sent her a message, and my wife completely ignored her.

 

My wife then sent me a message saying that she is never allowed to contact her, and if she ever needs anything, it needs to go through me. Anyway, I was able to convince my first wife to let him spend the night occasionally since his brothers do live there too. My wife says my ex-wife has no control..and I'm like, uh yeah that's her son..it's not like she signed her rights away.

 

Anyway, I'm fine with letting my son spend more time with his bio mom. Should that be a problem? Am I am the wrong? I honestly don't care what the papers say as long as she is being a good mom these days.

 

So, should I let my current wife dictate the type of relationship that I choose to have with my ex-wife regarding our son? My ex is being more than willing to still let him spend time with her as well. I just wanted to hear what you all thought about this.

[mystikmind2005]

Took me a while to understand what is going on here!

 

So from your first wife's perspective, some strange woman kidnapped her son, that is basically the situation in a nutshell. Damn, i would be pissed if i was her, and rightly so!

 

Anyway, legally you have the full custody, so if you chose to leave him with the second wife, it is your right, but it is not a very solid foundation. If your first wife can establish legally she has improved, she could potentially gain full custody because your domestic situation is broken and hers is not.

 

I bet you are treading lightly with the second wife because of the separation, am i rite?

 

But you really need to man up and do what is in the best interest of the children.... and if your boy can see his bio mom safely, you should make that happen.

[dlr81]

Took me a while to understand what is going on here!

 

So from your first wife's perspective, some strange woman kidnapped her son, that is basically the situation in a nutshell. Damn, i would be pissed if i was her, and rightly so!

 

Anyway, legally you have the full custody, so if you chose to leave him with the second wife, it is your right, but it is not a very solid foundation. If your first wife can establish legally she has improved, she could potentially gain full custody because your domestic situation is broken and hers is not.

 

I bet you are treading lightly with the second wife because of the separation, am i rite?

 

But you really need to man up and do what is in the best interest of the children.... and if your boy can see his bio mom safely, you should make that happen.

 

Yeah, so basically my current wife treats the son as her own (rightfully so) and she can't stand the fact of him spending anymore time with his bio mom than what's in the divorce papers. Idk, I just think If i'm comfortable with it, and the bio mom is asking for more time, what's the hurt??

[mystikmind2005]

Yeah, so basically my current wife treats the son as her own (rightfully so) and she can't stand the fact of him spending anymore time with his bio mom than what's in the divorce papers. Idk, I just think If i'm comfortable with it, and the bio mom is asking for more time, what's the hurt??

 

No, no, no, not acceptable, your second wife is taking liberties here in the extreme,,, who separates from a partner and keeps that partners child from a previous relationship??? This is crazy, and you know it!

 

You won't get your second wife back by allowing her to keep the kids, she has everything she wants, how nice for her. She needs to learn that the world does not revolve around her and what she wants.

[stillafool]

How selfish of your current wife to keep this little boy away from his bio mom! Unless the bio mom is abusive towards him there is no excuse. This child has every right to know his real mother and who she is. It is up to you to stand up to your current wife and not let her keep them apart.

[mrldii]

Nope, 2nd-wife-non-bio-mom-from-whom-you're-now-separated gets NO say.

 

When you two were together, her opinion gets consideration, but still she did not have the final say; now that you're separated, she gets NO say in this - or any other matter, for that matter.

 

Consider it a trial run for when the divorce is finalized and it's rubber-stamped: "Ex-Wifey No Longer Has ANY Say About ANYthing".

 

That's one of the benefits of divorcing.

[dlr81]

Wow, you all don't know how helpful you all are to me! His bio mom is not abusive and she is great with him, and he is always happy. My current wife has it backwards for sure..I need to stick up with this. We have 2 children together, just imagine how she would feel if it was the other way around.

 

Another side of this story..with my first with(the sons bio mom) she had a daughter who was a little over 1 when we met, and I raised her as my own up until we got divorced and she was then 6. My current wife did not like her around one bit, and basically told me I don't need to have a relationship with her..anyway, I should have stood my ground there, but I didn't...now the my once step-daughter is 13. The other night I asked the mom if I could hang out with her and our son, and she of course said yes. It was such a great feeling being able to hang out with her. I could tell how happy it made my son too. Anyway, I told my wife about it, and she did not like it..she said that she better not ever be around our 2 kids, and if we for some reason got back together, she did not want her in our house. I don't know why she dislikes her so much, I never understood it.

 

But anyway, you all are being very helpful!

[mystikmind2005]

Wow, you all don't know how helpful you all are to me! His bio mom is not abusive and she is great with him, and he is always happy. My current wife has it backwards for sure..I need to stick up with this. We have 2 children together, just imagine how she would feel if it was the other way around.

 

Another side of this story..with my first with(the sons bio mom) she had a daughter who was a little over 1 when we met, and I raised her as my own up until we got divorced and she was then 6. My current wife did not like her around one bit, and basically told me I don't need to have a relationship with her..anyway, I should have stood my ground there, but I didn't...now the my once step-daughter is 13. The other night I asked the mom if I could hang out with her and our son, and she of course said yes. It was such a great feeling being able to hang out with her. I could tell how happy it made my son too. Anyway, I told my wife about it, and she did not like it..she said that she better not ever be around our 2 kids, and if we for some reason got back together, she did not want her in our house. I don't know why she dislikes her so much, I never understood it.

 

But anyway, you all are being very helpful!

 

Its a territorial thing, not all that logical or fair.

 

Just wait till the second wife gets a new man, you can inform her that your 9 year old boy won't be coming around anymore because according to her rules, it will be offensive to her new man!!! now that is how you really kick someone in the face with their own medicine! *slam dunk*

[dlr81]

Its a territorial thing, not all that logical or fair.

 

Just wait till the second wife gets a new man, you can inform her that your 9 year old boy won't be coming around anymore because according to her rules, it will be offensive to her new man!!! now that is how you really kick someone in the face with their own medicine! *slam dunk*

 

lol so true! When she said she is going to my my son so much, I said, well now you know how I felt a little when you wouldn't let me see my step-daughter. I'm being nice though and still letting him go there some though..mostly for his 2 little brothers.

[mystikmind2005]

lol so true! When she said she is going to my my son so much, I said, well now you know how I felt a little when you wouldn't let me see my step-daughter. I'm being nice though and still letting him go there some though..mostly for his 2 little brothers.

 

Well, you seem to have a reasonable concept of doing things according to what is best for the kids, which is good. Your second wife lacks this quality,,, it should have been a red flag to you from the start, her behavior regarding that daughter.

[dlr81]

Well, you seem to have a reasonable concept of doing things according to what is best for the kids, which is good. Your second wife lacks this quality,,, it should have been a red flag to you from the start, her behavior regarding that daughter.

 

you are absolutely right...I had moved on so fast from my first marriage, I was just in la la land. No my first wife has a more stable life than I do lol..it's funny how the tables can turn.

[mystikmind2005]

you are absolutely right...I had moved on so fast from my first marriage, I was just in la la land. No my first wife has a more stable life than I do lol..it's funny how the tables can turn.

 

My ex moved out last January, its my first marriage, and I'm thinking it will be my last marriage. I don't see what is the use of marriage? So someone can promise to love you forever and then not?? huh, worthless.

 

But you know what is real, that is, being a parent, that is what is real, that is what is precious

[Babs22]

Well, you seem to have a reasonable concept of doing things according to what is best for the kids, which is good. Your second wife lacks this quality,,, it should have been a red flag to you from the start, her behavior regarding that daughter.

 

I agree with everyone here in saying you have the right to decide who your son sees. I think it is definitely in his best interest for him to have a strong relationship with his biological mom. I am glad she has gotten her act together and can now be there for him. 2nd wife's anger towards your step daughter with 1st wife is unfounded. Who would deny a 6 year old little girl from spending time with the person she has always regarded as "Dad"? Your second wife has some real issues. She does not act in what is in the best interest of the children, big red flag. If I were you, I'd consider yourself lucky to be separated from that one. Keep being a good dad to all the kids. So glad you finally get to spend time with your step daughter. I am sure it means a lot to her.