Popsicle Posted November 28, 2015 Share Posted November 28, 2015 Well, maybe now all the people that think it's so rude to not have closure and so great to have closure will now see that it's actually not good at all. It's detrimental in some cases (like this one). 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Cloudcuckoo Posted November 28, 2015 Share Posted November 28, 2015 Dylon, does your wife know you post here? It seems to me that you are still far too pre-occupied with your affair partner (I haven't stated 'ex' here because in reality, you are still in contact with her), and while I don't want to appear rude, you don't ever mention the woman you choose to live with? As you have discovered, picking off the scab before it's healed makes the wound bleed again, makes the scar bigger, and is more likely to be prominent for longer. Of course your affair partner is upset that you've opened that wound again, she's trying to manage her life without you. You're not really being fair to either of them are you, and it's disrespectful. To both. Is it possible for you to share your dilemma with someone who is removed from the situation? Perhaps a counsellor of your own might help you. I appreciate that it's hard, and sometimes we simply can't do it alone you know? Cuckoo Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted November 28, 2015 Share Posted November 28, 2015 And don't be foolish and go talk to her mother. You don't need to talk to her mother. Doing do would be dragging all this on. Link to post Share on other sites
WestEndGirl Posted November 28, 2015 Share Posted November 28, 2015 Dylon, does your wife know you post here? It seems to me that you are still far too pre-occupied with your affair partner (I haven't stated 'ex' here because in reality, you are still in contact with her), and while I don't want to appear rude, you don't ever mention the woman you choose to live with? You know, I was reticent to mention this, but I noticed the same thing. Dylon, you should be talking to your W about this--that is, if you are really serious about working things out. Maybe you are. But maybe you're in denial. One thing that is crystal is that you care far more about the OW and her emotional welfare than you do your W. This should be extremely telling. Not blaming you -- the heart wants what the heart wants. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted November 28, 2015 Share Posted November 28, 2015 One thing that is crystal is that you care far more about the OW and her emotional welfare than you do your W. i noticed this, too. Dylon - is divorce an option for you, at all? in the near future? Link to post Share on other sites
Lovetoohard Posted November 29, 2015 Share Posted November 29, 2015 Well, guess my exMM made that decision for me and blocked my number. I saw he had called 3x yesterday and I was out so I didn't even see his calls until later that night and frankly, I didn't want to talk to him for fear of going back to square one with my healing. I decided I would call him back today because I was worried that something might be wrong or it was an emergency or whatever. Well, my call went straight to vm. Tried a few hrs later, same thing. Left him a vm anyway. It stings because I never blocked him but then again, I guess this is for the best, both for him and me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dylon Posted November 29, 2015 Author Share Posted November 29, 2015 OK, this always come up about the wife so let me be clear: I had my D day many times. I have told my wife why I did what I did. She blames herself for lacking what I seek. Of course I can't let her do that. I protect her with all my heart. She has low self esteem. There's no way in hell that she will leave me. I don't want to leave her either. She knows my personality and she knows that I can't just walk away cold turkey from the AP. I'm not that heartless. She just said, do what you must to secure our future. I said yes I will take care of things so it will be done. Inside me, I must fix this. It's not for my wife or the AP to fix. It's for me. If I can't be at peace, neither can my relationship with myself or with my W. I'm doing the best I can and for me, it's not to just do wrong and walk away leaving another human being shattered. Sorry if some of you can do that. I can't. My wife knows this. I love her and she loves me. We are not so insecure about our future. I never ever wanted to divorce and neither does she. We don't have this doubt. It's why I don't mention about my W much because it's not as broken as some people here. I know people likes to go for the divorce thing here. The AP too. It won't happen. Everyone knows this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dylon Posted November 29, 2015 Author Share Posted November 29, 2015 Well, guess my exMM made that decision for me and blocked my number. I saw he had called 3x yesterday and I was out so I didn't even see his calls until later that night and frankly, I didn't want to talk to him for fear of going back to square one with my healing. I decided I would call him back today because I was worried that something might be wrong or it was an emergency or whatever. Well, my call went straight to vm. Tried a few hrs later, same thing. Left him a vm anyway. It stings because I never blocked him but then again, I guess this is for the best, both for him and me. Lovetoohard, I hope you understand and don't read too much into it. Sorry to see it hurts so much . Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dylon Posted November 29, 2015 Author Share Posted November 29, 2015 Well, maybe now all the people that think it's so rude to not have closure and so great to have closure will now see that it's actually not good at all. It's detrimental in some cases (like this one). It's the same thing I told others here. It doesn't work. I tried before and it always ended in more dialogues. I knew it but did it anyway. It only takes one person to want to reconcile and the other will care enough to listen and reply. In this case, she was and still wanted. I care enough to listen and answers. No, I don't talk to her mother. She shared conversations with me. Link to post Share on other sites
Lovetoohard Posted November 29, 2015 Share Posted November 29, 2015 Lovetoohard, I hope you understand and don't read too much into it. Sorry to see it hurts so much . Thanks Dylon. I guess I am just confused because he's the one that's reached out 4x in the past 3 weeks, not me so why block me? I can understand if I was constantly blowing up his phone or rehashing our relationship but that wasn't the case! I've been in NC and only returned his call as I was worried about him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dylon Posted November 29, 2015 Author Share Posted November 29, 2015 Thanks Dylon. I guess I am just confused because he's the one that's reached out 4x in the past 3 weeks, not me so why block me? I can understand if I was constantly blowing up his phone or rehashing our relationship but that wasn't the case! I've been in NC and only returned his call as I was worried about him. Do you think he was upset that he couldn't reach you? 4x in 3 weeks is a long time to not answer and return. You ignored him or you really weren't available? I'm not saying that you should have, just guessing his thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
Lovetoohard Posted November 29, 2015 Share Posted November 29, 2015 (edited) Do you think he was upset that he couldn't reach you? 4x in 3 weeks is a long time to not answer and return. You ignored him or you really weren't available? I'm not saying that you should have, just guessing his thoughts. Yes, knowing him, he's definitely upset and probably jumped to the conclusion that i had blocked him or was ignoring him intentionally. Frankly, the first time he called, i was out at dinner and didn't see the call until much later and I chalked it up to an accidental dial so I didn't call or acknowledge it. And there was also a part of me that didn't want to backtrack on my healing so under normal circumstances, I would at the very least send an acknowledgment txt but I didn't. Then almost two wks later, i see the three calls last night - the first two were while i was out and didn't see yntil it was really late to call him amd the third call was when i was asleep and i have my phone set to silence calls and send to vm when im sleeping as i hate being woken up. I sent him an apology email letting him know i was sorry i missed his calls and asking whether everything was ok and that I respect that he's made the choice to block me but if and when he needs me he can reach out. I am strong enough to offer friendship at this point I think. Edited November 29, 2015 by Lovetoohard Link to post Share on other sites
lemondrop21 Posted November 29, 2015 Share Posted November 29, 2015 MAYBE you could have a conversation/moment where you mutually defriend each other out of respect for both of your healing. This would depend on OW's mentality; does she recognize on some level that she needs to move on as well and that it's over, or does she still want you back? If she still wants you back then I think you should just leave things as is, don't reach out to her at all but don't un-friend, as the un-friending in itself is a form of communication that will set her back. MM and I have tried mutually blocking each other in order to end things, but we both un-block something within hours so it hasn't worked for us yet. There have been a couple times where I have been the one to block, and I think in the end that's what will happen. He has said he never wants to block me or shut me out, and I would be very hurt if he did. Link to post Share on other sites
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