Wife cheated while dating

[smackie9]

She has a conscience, she admits full responsibility for her actions, and is remorseful. That is a hell of a start to recover from infidelity. I suggest you both go to couples counseling to hash out your feelings, and heal from this experience. Yes infidelity can ruin a marriage, but it can also strengthen a marriage....that will depend on you. Love can conquer anything. Best of luck.

[drifter777]

....

Frankly I'm amazed that couples get through this and come out "stronger" or "better" in any way, though I've read many examples of this happening

 

Yeah, I've read about this too. I've also read about UFO's and ghosts and bigfoot. I don't know about you but I think they are all fairy tales. A BS is settling for less than they hoped for when they stay with a cheater but, in the end, staying is often a question of balance and each of us has to make our decision alone.

[lollipopspot]

This really wouldn't bother me much, for the reasons previously mentioned. I'd let it go.

[Space Ritual]

Yeah, I've read about this too. I've also read about UFO's and ghosts and bigfoot.

 

I also read recently that Elvis Presley and Adolf Hitler are not only still alive, but operating a number of McDonald's franchises in Argentina and Paraguay under the name "Heil Heil Rock and Roll".

Yeah I buy that hook line and sinker, don't you guys? Come on man you know it's true! lol

 

OP

 

No body is going to change your mind here. Believe what you want but unless you can point to concrete actions she has undertaken to begin to prove that she can be trusted I think you are in for a boatload of heartache.

 

Again, actions not words. she has said a lot of things, what exactly has she done of her own accord to back any of it up to help you heal from this?

 

Remorse is far different than regret. From what you describe you haven't seen anything near remorse. Again, only you know what you will accept, but if I were in your shoes I'd be telling her to hit the road.

 

I guess you'll have to find out for yourself but I think you are going to regret staying with her.

[4blossoms]

I don't think your relationship is doomed. Your current wife cheated on you during the 10 month gap when you were apart. If I were your wife, I would have thought to myself during that 10 month gap: "my American boyfriend is really wonderful and he says he will come back for me, but I am not sure. He has to love me a lot to fly to my country and come get me. But I am not sure if he will do it because I don't know if he loves me that much. Maybe there is another girl who will steal him from me. I might need to keep my options open... I don't know if he really will come for me."

 

If your wife cheated on your during your marriage, it would raise serious flags. This does raise a flag, but you were separated by oceans and, to be honest, a man has to love a woman A LOT to make the effort that you did. You wife might have been realistically assessing the situation and thinking that you might not go to find her. Honestly, few men are willing to put so much effort into winning a woman and she might have been unsure if she was that special to you.

 

The fact that she confessed to you tells me that she is not a bad person. She came clean without needing to do so; her guilt was eating her up. She waited years to tell you because after two people have built a life together it is difficult to throw it all away; she did this intentionally because you would never have married her if she told you before you guys got married. Go to marriage counseling to work this out. Ask her to tell you everything about the infidelity (if you want), so the entire painful story is in the open and there are no more secrets. But let her know that if she ever cheats on you again, you will walk out on her. She needs to understand the consequences of her actions.

Edited December 27, 2015 by 4blossoms

[sandylee1]

Sorry, did this woman admit to this 3 seconds after cheating? No? Then she IS sneaky and nasty and not to be trusted. You don't get brownie points for being honest only after you've stolen years of the persons life.

 

His wife cheated, kept it from him for years, had the audacity to think she could marry him WITHOUT divulging this and then you are speaking about how this awful woman has a conscience? When a person with a conscience wouldn't cheat nor would they wait until they were married for years before admitting it.

 

I just hope either you are making a very sick joke or you didn't read the thread and were under the impression she cheated and then immediately confessed to this and did it before ever walking down the aisle. Were you under that impression? Your reply makes no sense otherwise, why is being truthful many years later after robbing the OP of many years of his life the sign of a conscience to you?

 

Spectre - your responses are always full of venom where infidelity is concerned and the bitterness is evident every time you post. Never letting go your betrayal and passing that on to others really doesn't help. I'm sorry that your betrayal has left you so hurt years after.

 

If nobody forgave in life...this world we live in would be absolutely doomed.

 

I DID read the OP. There was a 10 month seperation (although not a break ), it was a ONS, yes she SHOULD HAVE told him before they got married.... but the fact that it played on her mind shows she ISN'T a nasty person.

 

Being hateful doesn't solve anything .... being bitter only affects you.

 

If my H told me this same story. .. I would forgive him.... The kind of person who has this pricking their conscience is not a natural cheater and I would feel I could trust with caution going forward.

 

Had she been sleeping with a guy for weeks and months.... I would think differently, but it was a one off.

[Spectre]

My responses are full of venom when people say things that just make no utter sense. People like you who try to turn this into "oh you must just still be bitter after all this" because how could anyone otherwise have a problem with your crazy logic of "hey the fact she told you many years later and after marrying you means she is to be trusted".

 

A one off doesn't matter. She kept it from the OP for years and married him and still said nothing. That is where the venom comes from lady. When people like you brush things under the rug for crazy reasons. She cheated, waited many years, agreed to marry the guy without mentioning anything.

 

A person doesn't get brownie points for admitting to infidelity years later and after already having married you, but yep lets just pretend this is all me projecting.

Edited December 27, 2015 by Spectre

[Spectre]

She has a conscience, she admits full responsibility for her actions, and is remorseful. That is a hell of a start to recover from infidelity. I suggest you both go to couples counseling to hash out your feelings, and heal from this experience. Yes infidelity can ruin a marriage, but it can also strengthen a marriage....that will depend on you. Love can conquer anything. Best of luck.

 

If she was truly remorseful and truly has a conscience why didn't she confess before marrying him? Just explain this to me in a way that makes sense. If she had true remorse how could she look him in the eye on their wedding day and not say a word?

 

You don't feel it is a sick person that can marry someone knowing they did this and then not say a word for years? If not, why isn't that sick?

[smackie9]

There is no measure of remorse by what timeline they decide to confess. Forgiveness is what has held humanity together since the beginning of time. Those who don't continue to wallow in torment, like yourself.

[sandylee1]

There is no measure of remorse by what timeline they decide to confess. Forgiveness is what has held humanity together since the beginning of time. Those who don't continue to wallow in torment, like yourself.

 

I agree with you.

 

It really is sad to see what infidelity does to some people. They are forever bitter and untrusting in relationships going forward. All this when their ex WS has long moved on.....but they still hold on to the bitterness with all their might.

 

People can be remorseful 20 years after the fact. I've seen people confess to crimes years later, when they became religious and wanted to confess all. They has gotten away with the crime... but now were remorseful.

 

Just because one doesn't confess immediately...does NOT mean they aren't remorseful.

 

I do think I'll use this as an example (with details) to the engaged couples I work with though... to tell them how betrayal can make some people terribly bitter and change them for life.... hopefully if they remember those words.. they'll think twice. I've heard from many BSs..and usually it's the men who are eternally bitter post betrayal.

[smackie9]

Because men don't cope well when their ego gets crushed. Women get over it with a ritual.....get together with GFs for support, drink wine, and burn the photos.

[drifter777]

Because men don't cope well when their ego gets crushed. Women get over it with a ritual.....get together with GFs for support, drink wine, and burn the photos.

 

Many poster's here on LS don't agree that men and women react significantly different when they are betrayed by their partner. What you say is a bit simplistic, but it is a good summary of that difference.

 

This is pretty much the state of the art view of that difference by professionals:

 

According to Paula Hall, a relationship counsellor with Relate, husbands find it much harder to forgive infidelity than their wives do. 'There is definitely more evidence that men are more likely to see their partner having an affair as signalling the end of a relationship,' she says.

 

She adds: 'For men, the sexual component of their wife's affair is very important. Women are much more likely to ask: "Did you love her?"

 

'The feelings and the emotional connection are more likely to be seen as a threat to a woman. Men are more concerned about the sexual aspect.'

 

 

'For a betrayed woman, an affair is an offence against her dignity. For a betrayed man, it's an offence against his manhood. It goes right to the core of his identity.'

 

That so many men are so crushed is not the "right" or "wrong" way to react - it's simply the most natural reaction.

[portwine]

You need to understand and realize that you were in a long distance, dating type of relationship. You weren't married, and there was no guarantee that your LD relationship would have lasted. I'm sorry but a LD relationship is NOT a relationship, so if something did happen while you two were apart you have to look at the big picture and be a little more realistic.

 

What makes a relationship a functional one is when both parties can count on intimacy, companionship, finances, sex, etc., and carrying on a LD relationship prevents people being there for each other and growing together. Out of sight out of mind so to speak. I'm not saying that being apart is free pass to sow your wild oats, but outside of the confines of marriage, when two people are embroiled in the dating phase of a LD relationship all bets are off. I know that those images of another guy going to pound-town on your then girlfriend must evoke a visceral feeling of anger and betrayal. Try not to obsess over it and accept it. People get lonely when they're 5000-10000 miles apart for an extended period of time.

 

The biggest mistake she made was telling you.

[Spectre]

There is no measure of remorse by what timeline they decide to confess. Forgiveness is what has held humanity together since the beginning of time. Those who don't continue to wallow in torment, like yourself.

 

The bottom line is you don't cheat, and if you do cheat you admit it right away. Not years later. Pointing this out doesn't mean someone is wallowing in torment. It means they have common sense.

 

If she loved him that much she wouldn't of cheated and would of told him before marrying him.

 

But OP if you want to settle for trash that lies to you for years and cheats on you then by all means enjoy your wife.

[Spectre]

You need to understand and realize that you were in a long distance, dating type of relationship. You weren't married, and there was no guarantee that your LD relationship would have lasted. I'm sorry but a LD relationship is NOT a relationship, so if something did happen while you two were apart you have to look at the big picture and be a little more realistic.

 

What makes a relationship a functional one is when both parties can count on intimacy, companionship, finances, sex, etc., and carrying on a LD relationship prevents people being there for each other and growing together. Out of sight out of mind so to speak. I'm not saying that being apart is free pass to sow your wild oats, but outside of the confines of marriage, when two people are embroiled in the dating phase of a LD relationship all bets are off. I know that those images of another guy going to pound-town on your then girlfriend must evoke a visceral feeling of anger and betrayal. Try not to obsess over it and accept it. People get lonely when they're 5000-10000 miles apart for an extended period of time.

 

The biggest mistake she made was telling you.

 

No the biggest mistake she made was cheating. Being long distance is irrelevant, I don't care if the dude lived on friggin Krypton.

[Spectre]

I agree with you.

 

It really is sad to see what infidelity does to some people. They are forever bitter and untrusting in relationships going forward. All this when their ex WS has long moved on.....but they still hold on to the bitterness with all their might.

 

People can be remorseful 20 years after the fact. I've seen people confess to crimes years later, when they became religious and wanted to confess all. They has gotten away with the crime... but now were remorseful.

 

Just because one doesn't confess immediately...does NOT mean they aren't remorseful.

 

I do think I'll use this as an example (with details) to the engaged couples I work with though... to tell them how betrayal can make some people terribly bitter and change them for life.... hopefully if they remember those words.. they'll think twice. I've heard from many BSs..and usually it's the men who are eternally bitter post betrayal.

 

But people like you are part of the problem, with you tell THAT to engaged couples? This guys wife cheated on him and lied for YEARS about it. Here you are preaching "well hey at least she told you eventually, trust her!". Here you are saying someone who thinks waiting nearly a decade to tell is NOT a good thing and it's "oh he must just be bitter and full of torment".

 

This means you feel only a bitter person could feel what the wife did was utterly wrong and unforgiveable. This means if you feel that way you honestly don't have any business giving any couples advice about anything.

 

I could sit here and tell you I moved on from the person I cheated on long ago and have been in relationships since then. You know what my past does? It plays a part when I read silly posts like this, but it hasn't made me bitter and unable to have healthy relationships. I see the pitiful excuses and it reminds me of what happened. I see the constant rug sweeping of a huge betrayal, yeah it reminds me. But please don't ever translate that into implying I carry this around with me all the time because I don't.

 

I realize it is easier for you to dismiss what I am saying by going on about "oh it is just bitterness" but no, it's really just a different opinion then yours. For me remorse is irrelevant, actions are important. Her actions were to cheat and to lie and to steal years of his life by lying. That is not a good person, that is not a good wife. Not to me, and I guarantee you there will be men out there who have never once been cheated on that agree.

 

So please stop dismissing conflicting views as "just must be nothing but bitterness". You don't know me or how I am outside of this board.

Edited December 29, 2015 by Spectre

[portwine]

No the biggest mistake she made was cheating. Being long distance is irrelevant, I don't care if the dude lived on friggin Krypton.

 

 

Cheating is indeed the wrong thing to do, but long distance relationships are not normal relationships since the defy regular relationship dynamics. Cheating runs rampant in the military too when partners are deployed to other countries. That doesn't make it "right", I agree with you there. The way i see it, long distance relationships are extra difficult and people will slip up when they're lonely.

[Spectre]

Cheating is indeed the wrong thing to do, but long distance relationships are not normal relationships since the defy regular relationship dynamics. Cheating runs rampant in the military too when partners are deployed to other countries. That doesn't make it "right", I agree with you there. The way i see it, long distance relationships are extra difficult and people will slip up when they're lonely.

 

Okay but here is the thing: if you can't remain faithful to someone while long distance then you sure as hell don't belong marrying them. If distance causes her to cheat then kick her to the curb.

 

Here is one thing people forget: it's super easy not to cheat when you are happy. The true test is when you are unhappy. The true test is what you do when you are sad or lonely or upset. That is a test this guys wife failed.

 

Even though they were not married at the time they were still in a relationship and like I said: the way a person acts when the relationship isn't good will give you an idea to who they truly are. It's disturbing to me for people to try to justify it with "well hey she eventually many years later told him" and then they act like if you disagree with that notion it must be bitterness, wtf?

 

You also said her biggest mistake was telling..but no that is the only decent thing she did. Why should this man have to live a lie because his wife can't control herself? Why does this woman get to steal year after year of this man's life because she was weak? Nobody seems to care about all the lying she did for years, what they focus on is hey after nearly 10 years she eventually fessed up.

 

Just to me it is weird to tell someone their biggest mistake was being HONEST with the person they swore to be honest to. Her biggest mistake was cheating and not immediately confessing. Her biggest mistake was thinking she had the right to marry this guy under false pretenses. But hey what do I know she eventually said sorry years later.

Edited December 29, 2015 by Spectre

[portwine]

They weren't married at the time. Things just happen when you're in the dating phase occasionally. It's not the end of the world.

[PrettyEmily77]

Yeah, the cheating was bad; it was also bad that she kept it for herself for 7 years. Obviously her actions were wrong, but to go as far as calling someone's wife/daughter/whatever 'trash' on the basis of one very bad judgement call is un-necessary, Imo.

 

OP, this situation sucks. Can you live with this revelation long-term without it damaging your marriage irretrievably, or without it affecting how you view your wife from now on?

 

You're the only one who can make that call. Even with the best intentions, it may be difficult for you to get past it depending on your own values. Or maybe the last 7 years of your marriage were worth your current heartache.

 

Whatever decision you make should be yours and yours alone. Don't let anyone make it for you.

Edited December 29, 2015 by PrettyEmily77

[nitsor]

I don't think your relationship is doomed. Your current wife cheated on you during the 10 month gap when you were apart. If I were your wife, I would have thought to myself during that 10 month gap: "my American boyfriend is really wonderful and he says he will come back for me, but I am not sure. He has to love me a lot to fly to my country and come get me. But I am not sure if he will do it because I don't know if he loves me that much. Maybe there is another girl who will steal him from me. I might need to keep my options open... I don't know if he really will come for me."

 

If your wife cheated on your during your marriage, it would raise serious flags. This does raise a flag, but you were separated by oceans and, to be honest, a man has to love a woman A LOT to make the effort that you did. You wife might have been realistically assessing the situation and thinking that you might not go to find her. Honestly, few men are willing to put so much effort into winning a woman and she might have been unsure if she was that special to you.

 

The fact that she confessed to you tells me that she is not a bad person. She came clean without needing to do so; her guilt was eating her up. She waited years to tell you because after two people have built a life together it is difficult to throw it all away; she did this intentionally because you would never have married her if she told you before you guys got married. Go to marriage counseling to work this out. Ask her to tell you everything about the infidelity (if you want), so the entire painful story is in the open and there are no more secrets. But let her know that if she ever cheats on you again, you will walk out on her. She needs to understand the consequences of her actions.

I think this is one of the most well written responses here. Thank you.

[nitsor]

Yeah, the cheating was bad; it was also bad that she kept it for herself for 7 years. Obviously her actions were wrong, but to go as far as calling someone's wife/daughter/whatever 'trash' on the basis of one very bad judgement call is un-necessary, Imo.

 

OP, this situation sucks. Can you live with this revelation long-term without it damaging your marriage irretrievably, or without it affecting how you view your wife from now on?

 

You're the only one who can make that call. Even with the best intentions, it may be difficult for you to get past it depending on your own values. Or maybe the last 7 years of your marriage were worth your current heartache.

 

Whatever decision you make should be yours and yours alone. Don't let anyone make it for you.

Very well said. Honestly, I agree with your statement. I am not justifying the cheating at all. It's bad and it is always unacceptable. What I am saying here is that the same people who throw around "trash" statements have a laundry list of their own faults, such as cheating, addiction, stealing, crimes, etc. If you want to be banished from all of society for one mistake of yours, let's see how long you can live with that type of law and culture.

 

This reminds me of John 8:7:

“He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.”

 

Sure, people here are bitter about being cheated on -- just as I am. But you eventually need to learn to just get over it. You can't undo the past. What's done is done.

 

I came here more for the helpful, constructive statements and perspectives of those who are presenting rational statements of balance. I can see that some people here are seething with rage, and it seems like those people need more help than a forum can provide.

 

One of the things that really stuck with me here is the contrast between some of the other stories I've read and what I have encountered. I feel absolutely terrible for some of these victims of infidelity. Some people have full on families, yet have had their spouse cheat on them for years right in their very own town. Some of this stuff is just mind-numbing to read.

 

Cheating is never justified, but you really need to do some introspection to see what the underlying reasons are/were for why this happened in the first place. Otherwise, you may well be setting yourself up for failure even in to your next relationship -- should you choose to leave. Some people think they can cure all of their problems by simply snipping the cable after one fault, without realizing that they're headed right in to the same path again -- this time with a new person. (For example, if I did a ten month long distance relationship again, guess what might happen?) If that's how relationships and life in general work, there's truly no hope for humanity.

 

One other side not I forgot to mention is that we actually had just completed six months of long distance, followed by me going to her country for three weeks, followed by this ten month span; so in essence, it was more like 16 months apart. I challenge any of you to endure that.

Edited December 31, 2015 by nitsor

[nitsor]

I've made my decision. Thank you, everyone.

[sandylee1]

But people like you are part of the problem, with you tell THAT to engaged couples? This guys wife cheated on him and lied for YEARS about it. Here you are preaching "well hey at least she told you eventually, trust her!". Here you are saying someone who thinks waiting nearly a decade to tell is NOT a good thing and it's "oh he must just be bitter and full of torment".

 

This means you feel only a bitter person could feel what the wife did was utterly wrong and unforgiveable. This means if you feel that way you honestly don't have any business giving any couples advice about anything.

 

I could sit here and tell you I moved on from the person I cheated on long ago and have been in relationships since then. You know what my past does? It plays a part when I read silly posts like this, but it hasn't made me bitter and unable to have healthy relationships. I see the pitiful excuses and it reminds me of what happened. I see the constant rug sweeping of a huge betrayal, yeah it reminds me. But please don't ever translate that into implying I carry this around with me all the time because I don't.

 

I realize it is easier for you to dismiss what I am saying by going on about "oh it is just bitterness" but no, it's really just a different opinion then yours. For me remorse is irrelevant, actions are important. Her actions were to cheat and to lie and to steal years of his life by lying. That is not a good person, that is not a good wife. Not to me, and I guarantee you there will be men out there who have never once been cheated on that agree.

 

So please stop dismissing conflicting views as "just must be nothing but bitterness". You don't know me or how I am outside of this board.

 

I'm not the problem actually .... I don't know how you conclude that I am because I've said she's remorseful.

 

As I work within the Catholic Church..with the engaged couples, it would be wrong ot to discuss forgiveness ... so telling someone their other half is bad/evil because they cheated goes against the religion.

 

You probably don't realise how bitter you sound especially when you respond to a BH..... you often use derogatory words about their spouse..like skank and trashy. It's unecessary and it's hurtful. It's not your GF/SPOUSE to speak like that about. You can make your point without being derogatory.... but your bitterness/trauma won't let you. Taking a WS back isn't being a doormat either..... although that's clearly your opinion.

 

You have a ZERO tolerance attitude and as such forgiveness and reconciliation don't feature in your mind. You're entiltled to not accept infidelity..... but it's how you respond so venomously that confirms your bitterness.

 

This world would be a terrible place without forgiveness.

 

I only need to read your posts to see how it's affected you... and your not the only person who has this zero tolerance policy. There's a woman on another forum very similar to you. When I read replies...I usually can tell hers without seeing her name. It's always "dump the lying cheat and don't look back " or something similar with harsher words.

[66Charger]

Even though I may take as hard of a line against infidelity as Spectre, I do think there are circumstances that can allow a successful reconciliation. A ONS and the confession out of guilt and remorse is the only way, i could ever move forward. While not absolute, its the best of the bad.

 

The OPs wife clearly needed to confess prior to bearing children. Should she have confessed prior to marriage? Yes. But to her, perhaps life was really good and she took the gamble. But she had a conscience. A lot of cheaters dont. I am sure you have made your decision to stay and work this out. I would still talk to her and let her know, had you known this, you would never had married her. A price needs to be paid, not for the ONS, but for not being straight with you. Deal with this thru counseling and lots of walks and talks. This is setting a firm boundary. Teach her how to treat you and treat her the same.

 

Make it a Happy New Year.