Am I Just an Angry, Jealous person

[Blue08]

Maybe I just need a place to vent, idk, or maybe I am just an angry jealous person. I have know one to talk about this with and I'm not sure how to bring this up to my boyfriend with out sounding like a total B word.

First, he has three kids and I have three kids, and I spend more time with his and mine than he does, I don't work but I do go to school full-time. His ex-wife and him both ALWAYS ask if i can pick up/ drop-off and even go to parent teacher conferences, not all the time but often enough and I think it is annoying. His daughters is not with us during the school week, why would I go to the parent teacher conference, why would he even go, we don't know anything about what she is doing at school her or homework.

Secondly his oldest daughter is physically and mentally disabled she doesn't come her except maybe twice a year for a few hours and I had to go to her bday party at his ex wife's house which was really akward.

Thirdly his youngest daughter just started wrestling 3x times a week and he always takes her, even when his ex wife is going and then she sits right next to us and she ends up asking me questions that should be directed to him, and he never pipes up. He also will bring his daughter home some times after practice with out asking me and I am the one who has to drive her to school in the morning which is not close.

which I don't mind her coming but I would be able to deal with if at least he was considerate to the fact the responsibility is on me.

Fourthy- His son has a g/f and they can't be home alone and he calls to see if she come after school he tells him yes with out even asking me and guess what i'm the one who his "babysitting," most of the time he doesn't even let me know he is bringing a friend here. They are loud and rude and then I am doing my homework he asks if I can run him here or there.

There are so many things I am frustrated with and I just want to explode TAKE CARE OF YOUR FRIGGIN KIDS!!!! I can't be the one to do it, and yet i do so much with them and for them and they are rude and treat me like I don't matter, I'm just their to serve them like I am a nanny.

[stillafool]

Why can't you say TAKE CARE OF YOUR FRIGGIN KIDS???? You are allowing yourself to be used because you won't speak up for yourself. It's not their fault but yours.

[Blue08]

Yes I agree, but I am not working, he pays all the bills (which aren't many) i feel almost obligated to do it.

And I don't say anything bc I feel like an A hole and I get it, it is my fault.

He has asked me before hand if I mind if his gf comes over, and yes, yes I do bc it means I am baby sitting and I don't agree that they should be hanging out in his bedroom or more than 1x a week.

I don't saying anything I have pushed my frustration down and I am on the verge of exploding.

[Tayla]

He asks you if he can bring his gf over? I thought you were his gf? Can you clarify? And secondly parent teacher conferences are for the legal

guardians, this school is in violation if you are going there and proclaimimg to be a legal entity to this mans kids. Think twice.

[basil67]

He asks you if he can bring his gf over? I thought you were his gf? Can you clarify? And secondly parent teacher conferences are for the legal

guardians, this school is in violation if you are going there and proclaimimg to be a legal entity to this mans kids. Think twice.

 

I think she's referring to the son bringing his girlfriend over

[Tayla]

Thanks basil, had to go to the first post to find that reference on the son.

 

I cannot say the poster is without cause on these matters. She seems to not have a voice , sure hope she can find a civil way to address this. She deserves to be treated respectfully . Am concerned when someone is taken advantage of.

[basil67]

Wow, I can feel your frustration though the computer. And I understand your feeling of being taken advantage of.

 

You've written nothing about the strategies you've used to try and assert yourself and your boundaries. Between this and the post you did about your mother a while ago, would I be right in thinking that you need some help with learning to become assertive? Not aggressive. Not confrontational. Assertive.

 

Talking about how you feel overwhelmed and need some changes is a great start. Sit down with your husband and explain that you need some new parameters for looking after the kids.

 

1. Tell your husband that if he needs you to drive his daughter to school, he can't assume that you're available. He must check first to see if it's OK. If, after the discussion, he does the same thing of bringing her home without asking, just tell him that he'll have to make some other arrangement for getting her to school. If they want you to do parent teacher night, simply say "no - it's not my place"

 

2. Really not worth complaining about - and it would be nice if you could have put the birthday girl above your own feelings here. Perhaps you're over reacting to this because of everything else? At any rate, if you really don't want to go again, just say "I think I'll pass on this one"

 

3. If your husband is taking his daughter to gymnastics, then you don't need to go. Take it as time for yourself.

 

4. Who's rule is it that the son and his girlfriend can't be home alone? If it's your husband's idea, then simply tell him that you're too busy to supervise and will be leaving them to their own devices. If it's your personal rule and your husband doesn't care, then supervise without complaint. Regarding the son being noisy and rude AND wanting you to drive him around, this is a fairly easy fix - tell the son that you will only drive him if he's respectful of you and your studying time. And explain to him what this would entail. Eg; no loud music and no cussing.

 

All your problems are fairly easy to address with a bit of assertiveness.

[basil67]

Thanks basil, had to go to the first post to find that reference on the son.

 

I cannot say the poster is without cause on these matters. She seems to not have a voice , sure hope she can find a civil way to address this. She deserves to be treated respectfully . Am concerned when someone is taken advantage of.

 

Agreed. Hence the post I just wrote about being assertive

[Blue08]

All valid points, I do need to work on assertiveness, I have a very challenging time saying no, because I do want to be helpful.

As far as the assertiveness with my mother, I have tried to set boundaries and discuss the issues in a rational way, but she takes to it as me trying to be her mother or trying to be smarter or better than she is. With her you have to walk around on egg shells or at least thats how I feel about it, If I'm short and the point I'm rude, if I try and explain it softly then i'm treating her like a child.

I do have issues of my own I am shy due to my lack of self confidence, I feel that I am better than I used to be.

 

His son and his g/f not being left alone is his rule, although I agree with it. I just don't want to be held responsible for their actions as I am the adult who is there. I think my frustration also comes from not agreeing with a lot of things his son is allowed to do, and I don't allow my son to do these things, like going to or having friends over on a school night, no curfew, not keeping his grades up, chores, behaving in school, and just consequences. It's frustrating. I also see his son using people to get what he wants and his father knows this and I feel that he still enables it.

 

He's a teenager he thinks he knows everything and everything he thinks is right he going to down a wrong path and his dad sees it also but little is done about it. When my children are at our house and my boyfriend tells them to do something or to stop doing something they listen and they respect him because he is an adult. As far as the assertiveness with my boyfriend and his children, I just doesn't seem to be taken lightly like for example his son wanted to go to awl-mart and buy himself a cell phone, his dad said no then he asked me and I said no but he still continued asking and his dad didn't give him a straight no, so I had asked him privately if they were planning on going, and he maid a comment about me not going and I said no I said I was not going to wal-mart.

 

Idk, I guess I'm getting stressed out because I am letting the guilt eat at me, and I know it shouldn't be this way, and I don't know how to stop it.

Edited December 1, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~6

[Blue08]

ohhh and here we go again, his ex just texted him and asked, (his daughter's name) is asking to come over, is (my name) home so I can drop her off? As I am sitting here doing exam thats due at 11 tonight and I do not have any of my boys as they are with their father!

I told him I have to get this exam done, but as his kids especially come to me to have their needs met, I know some of this burden will be on me.

I was also looking forward to a "date Night" since it's not very often at all that we can, due to work, kids, sporting events, school, etc normal life stuff.

[Blue08]

As far as the parent-teacher conference goes I'm not going this is not my responsibility, I had to arrange two parent teachers conference to adjust mine and my ex's schedule we did not ask his g/f or my b/f to do it.

Freakin weird.

I think she just uses as away to get her free time, which is frustrating because both our exes has their parents to help with kids when they need to do something, we don't.

Not only that she says umm like 4million times when she talks and it drives me bonkers.

[Blue08]

So the thread continues from the last.....My step son asked his father for his gf to come over today and that they would be home around 2:30. Which means I would have to leave to (without anyone asking ME) to meet them at the house.

Here is my issue: NOBODY ASKED ME!

two: he has had a friend over or went to a friends house since thursday!

Three: his dad is upset with his choices lately and is still allowing this happen!

I am really frustrated and really close to saying something, and I can decipher what it is I am really upset considering the fact it may be non of my business.

What do I do?!?!?!?!?!

What would you do?

How would you feel?

[bathtub-row]

How do you figure that this is none of your business? Either you're a part of the family or not. You need to talk to your husband about this. Let him know that him and his kids need to show more respect for the family living space and for your time. Let him know that things are going to change.