Confronting spouse with AP

[HurtHusband]

"Make a joint custody agreement and expose her cheating escapades" I can only make a joint custody agreement, if I gain sole custody FIRST. Only than once it's clear my parental rights are protected will I negotiate with her. You see there is only sole custody here. If she has sole custody and I expose her cheating, how do you think she would react? She would be vindictive, angry.. Yes it worked out well for my friend. But each case is different. Yes he has an agreement with his ex. But it's not legally binding. However it works well for him and his ex plays fair. I won't assume that my wife can be a fair and reasonable person post divorce. There is too much at stake. And it's leaving everything up to her. There is no alimony system here! You can just walk away and not have to pay a dime to support your kids, but I love my kids. I will only negotiate when I have the balance of power, there is a lack or absence of family law here. Where it's winner takes all. And no one cares who cheated or who did what.. Whoever has the kids and lives with the kids keeps the kids.. That's it.. After that you can arrange something with your ex.

 

There will be no confrontation either now or when the OM gets here. I can exit quietly and text her and get in touch with his wife. I just think I need a bit of time to prepare first and also leaving her while she goes off to meet the OM would really give her the shock she needs!! And boy does she need to feel it!! She has always gotten her own way and really needs to feel some consequences for her actions.

 

I was utterly dismayed to discover her texting the OM only one month after having an abortion from the previous affair. It just proved that she is damaged goods and can't be fixed. As for giving me a free pass to cheat, I didn't sign up for an open marriage. I don't want that to be normal or the example for our kids, I can't believe she even suggested it, but again even if I did cheat discreetly, she might later turn around and claim that I'm a womanizer. I think both of us openly cheating is just a mind field that can lead to jealousy, fights, emotional attachments to other people, her possibly getting pregnant again etc.

 

 

As for him, how will he feel if his wife calls him from the states after reading dozens if his texts that he has been sending my wife for months..or the letter about his fling with my wife from 2009 ( he married in 2010 , same as us ) I assume he must have been dating or possibly even engaged to his now wife at the time..

 

I hope it will be painful and agonizing for him. It's the least he deserves as his interference in my family has caused me a serious amount of mental anguish, including having to DNA test both of my kids and wait for the results ( both the children are mine but my eldest was born 9 months after his fling with my wife in 2009 which scared the **** out of me, I only discovered this when I found his letter in the drawer last year.

 

 

OM may see it as a short holiday bit of fun but he is risking everything and may lose everything. And for what? She was cheating with a different married man a year previously and now him. I think neither of them really believe this 'I love you and miss you rubbish' he is walking into a trap and hanging himself with every incriminating text he sends. I almost feel sorry for him, except for the fact he must be very arrogant, knowing full well that he is messing around with another mans family and not even caring about the potential fall out.

[HurtHusband]

Fearful: OM comes over and impregnates wife? Fine! I won't be here and I won't raise his child!! I did not force her to get abortion last time, but I did say I would not raise it. At one point she said 'but the baby is innocent' seriously the nerve of this woman.

 

 

Me and the kids will simply move! She can clear up her own mess with the OM! I won't be signing any abortion forms and picking her up like last time. Our kids go a christian ethos based school! My kid learns bible stories.

I can't just turn the other cheek on this one. Let the whole world know the truth..

 

Enough is enough. No one would expect me to endure any more. I can't endure any more. Really I can't, not mentally or physically.

[sandylee1]

I bet if you called her bluff she'd back down. With a threat of divorce.. if you said fine.. I'm gone, I'm out of here. She'd back down.

 

Without your financial support she can't raise the kids can she?

 

Look at it this way... if she met someone and left you by divorce ... you'd have no choice. You know she's capable of it.

 

If you get divorce on your terms.. then you take the power and don't continue living on eggshells. You've been reduced to driving your wife to abort another man's child and you still can't say much to her.

 

Would she like to explain to the kids why they are in another school and why they only see you once a month? I don't think so. Forget the EA she's having... you are there only to support her financially. She's told you to get sex outside..... let her be.

 

Your goal should be an amicable divorce and coparent. No need to argue with her.. just. .. I can't live without you like this and we need to seperate. You say she's a good mother? No good mother would take the kids from their father.... so when you say she's a good mother... think again... she's not.

 

Many a man would have forced her to sign divorce papers back during the abortion time... when she was vulnerable. Split what you need to and coparent. She has the law on her side....... you have money on your side.....use it wisely.

[Fearful]

Hurt Husband, talking is too cheap to solve your problem. All u need to do is to take bold action. your wife cant take care of two kids on her own she needs you for that.

 

Your situation will never change if you remain docile. your situation is not in any way different from that of your friend. the only difference is in personality involve. while your friend stood as a man, you refuse standing as one

 

Divorce your wife when you are in position of strength not that of weakness.Once you outlived your usefulness and she finds your replacement , you are finished. All your fears will come to pass.

[HurtHusband]

Fearful: I hear what your saying. But if I walk out and divorce now I am ( legally not their father any more! Sure she needs help raising kids. I will still only be there to provide financial support in her eyes. But she is also free to find another partner while I am minding the kids. How long before I outlive my usefulness then? I have to assume that in a year or two which may very well have found another man and possibly even want to re-marry. Meanwhile I have no rights and will have to watch from the sidelines or beg to see the kids.

 

If there is a chance I can get custody and it's recognized legally, than at least I have peace of mind and have a guarantee I will be in their life. In this scenario she will have to behave and be fair cause she will know what she can lose.

This is what happens when you have a system where only one parent can get custody. My friend is the exception not the rule.

 

 

Leaving when she goes off to meet OM would not be an unusual reaction in the circumstances. The onus would than be on her to think of solutions or come up with terms we can agree on.. She would have to start being honest and clear about what she wants, what's best for the kids etc.

 

 

I think she needs that kick in the teeth, that realization that we might be gone to see reality, otherwise I am just sitting down and negotiating with a dictator who insults me.

[merrmeade]

One thing I've always wanted to comment on in your threads, HH, is what seems to me – because I've lived in an Asian country myself for years – is cultural attitudes even expatriates absorb. To me, that was always the explanation as to why you were so slow to react to her obvious abuse. I also think that's why many of the solutions offered to you do not seem viable. I do not know (If anyone could) what the mindset of a foreigner living in Japan is or the amalgam of that layered with attitudes from your native country. But I do think it's a factor whatever it is.

[HurtHusband]

Sandylee: people do co-parent here post divorce. But in most cases, the split is permanent and leads to one parent having little contact. A non custodial parent wanting to see their child is often viewed as 'interfering' and confusing the child.

See the PDF post by jersey born raised one page previously. That's not to say all splits are not amicable. It just really depends on the patents or the patent with custody.

 

I have a Japanese friend who spent 3 years battling through courts just for the right to see his kid, only for his wife to suddenly have a change of mind and let him see the kid afew months ago. Now lawyers and everyone in the court know the wife is nuts, but there is no mechanism to enforce visitation so the whole waste of time and money dragged on for 3 years.

 

I have another American friend who got divorced here, made agreements, was totally fair and would provide financial support etc. 6 months later she was back with an ex. Told him the kid has a new father and cut him off completely. He continues paying money into an account for the next 2 years and had zero contact with his kid...no letter.. No photo.. No explanation. Nothing. Now he decides to stop paying.

Stories like the above are not uncommon here.

[starpower]

Hurthusband, I think your on the right track. Yes establish sole custody, I would do the same, I would not risk losing my kids. You can't take the risk on her being reasonable if you just left and filed for divorce, when all her actions are of someone who is not functionally right in regards to her family. I initially had the same reaction as some of the other posters, in just leaving and filing for divorce etc, but when you explained the laws in the country you live in, it made sense.

[No Limit]

I'd been wondering what became of you HH, 2016 isn't far away anymore. Good to read that you're doing okay (at least as okay as you can be in a situation like this).

[turnera]

The only thing I would advise is get her to sign off on full custody for you AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. I've seen quite a few women say they'll give up their kids (!) because they're so hot to trot to move in with the OM...until someone in their family or friends hears about it and says 'What? You're going to give up your child? What kind of mother ARE you?' and then she rescinds the offer, just to save her 'image.'