Married man, EUM ended, working together

[InTheShire]

Well, having read hundreds of posts over the last several months, I'm finally writing my comparatively (what seems to be) lame experience myself (!)

I've got myself into a situation that is all too familiar, and sad... at 32 you would think that a grown woman, independent and pretty 'together' wouldn't be treated so badly, or atleast let herself be treated so badly.... but it seems emotionally I have.

I am proud of the way I act, the way I treat people and my appearance, yet clearly I have some insecurity within me that lets me be taken advantage of.

So, rewind 6 months ago when I started a new job. First contact at the interview with my boss.. yes there were huge sparks. We actually looked into eachothers eyes and he gave himself away, he looked so intensely guilty and I could not understand why, well this was before I even noticed the wedding ring. And when I started my job, it was full on attention, long conversations, gazing, spending lunches together, and I was hooked even though he was married. There was no mention of the wife, only the children. No pictures of her, nothing. It was like she was invisible. And him spending his nights alone, I wasn't aware that she works during the night. I know it's wrong, but I was too "in love" and genuinely thought well of the man. He would text me on and off, but it was never the consistency of a full on affair. It was definitely an emotional one though, and he gave me a feeling I hadn't felt in a few years. I felt that I gave him this feeling too. I could feel it, just us two in the office. The electricity between us which was amazing and we really seemed to care for one another quite openly. Stupid that I let myself feel this way I know...

And then a few months later, it still carried on.... but slightly less on the boil. But every waking hour I thought (and still think) of the man.

Then came along a summer 2 week holiday, him and his family, before which he reassured me in ways (not words) of his attachment and fondness of me, then when he got back (and that was a tortuous 2 weeks), he was pretty much re-connected with his wife and I could tell things had changed.

But he never spoke to me about it, just let it lie and distanced himself.... carried on the flirting, the kind gestures, the willingness to help me when I needed it (I even rejected his offers for fear of looking too needy). But with interspersed and carefully placed mentions of the wife. This is where my fear of rejection really comes in. From his change of attitude I withdrew, I became tearful at times and really really wanted some sort of explanation.

Nowadays, he speaks about her a lot. And it coming up to Christmas time of course is bad for me, seeing him buy the presents etc. Yes I get the picture, I understand he loves her a lot. Marriage for 12 years, 2 kids.. He is allowed to change his mind as well. He is a human being and I see from his day to day actions and feel that I know that he is not a BAD person.

Anyway 2 months ago I felt ready to burst. I went out drinking a lot, I was suffering emotionally from the turmoil going on in my heart, and feeling unable to recapture our closeness that I missed. I upfront told him how I felt as I could not shoulder it myself anymore and felt it was the only way I could relieve my insanity. Well, he said he was flattered, and was so kind about it and said not to worry. Then the flirting intensified. Then I felt even worse. I texted him one night, something insane.... stupid.... OTT. Yep.... big fool that I was, WHAT was I thinking?? Definitely a big regret in my life. He told me the next day at work that he was happily married, and that it was never happen between us. Yes, "NEVER". Wow, wonderful news.... after that he softened big time and said that maybe we could be friends further down the line... to "see how it goes"..... that it was a new era. Feeling sorry for me basically. And it was a big wake up call for me. I thought back to the times we spent together out shopping at lunch, the browsing of homes and silly fantasies we would share of living in certain houses and such things (idiot, I know).... him making me little cups of hot chocolate and touching my hand and brushing my arm. Things that really I should have ignored. The little notes, the throwing of paper balls, and then I realised..... that really he is a boy who needs the validation, and when he is not getting it at home... gets it from somewhere else.

It all made/makes sense. (Sorry for the switches from past to present tense, I am trying to edit as well as I can with what time I have).

He would, in our earlier conversatinos, tell me his thoughts on marriage..... he is a good father and husband, and realises that it is sometimes 50/50 happiness... that he is happy with that, and that as long as it is over 49% he thinks it's OK. Once he commented that because he has kids, he could never be free. He flirts with women (not around me, I have never seen it). I see he craves the validation from women. He talks about other women too, with his friends. He eyes up ladies quite openly........ of course I only know this further down the line.

But the kindness he has within himself prevents me from disliking him or pushing him away. He has shown me more kindness in some ways than people have towards me in a long time, so humanly I feel incapable of cutting him out completely.

But now, I am living in torture. I see the wonderful effort he is putting into his marriage and I feel like I am being stabbed in the heart every day... and of course I put on a brave face.

I enjoy my job and it is not going to be easy for me to move on from this.

What I want now is to fall in love with someone else, someone available and who will treat me as well as I would do them, but it just feels so impossible right now.

I am dating, even going away for a weekend soon, and he knows this, encourages it, so at least I should be thankful that he is not leading me on any more.

But those few months made me fall in love, and he encouraged it so much that I feel SO hurt and used. Like a prop for him to realise how much his marriage is worth.

For heavens sakes I even babysat his children at work while he was in an important meeting all day, and we got on so well he commented on it for days afterwards.

This "EA" we had been having felt like love, and truly, I think I am still in some one-sided love. I see his glances now and then and the way he stands up for me with things, but of course it is not enough....

I need to get on with life and stop the sleepless nights.

Tell me, after 6 months surely the non-stop obsession dies down?

I feel like a grade A fool. Every time I try to act tough and distanced he is kind and thoughtful to me. Every time I put my foot down, he listens and respects it, which only makes me want him more.

A part of me, in this continued insanity, hopes that in a few years maybe there will be hope, that whatever happens in life, we truly never know for certain whether things will happen as we dictate in words.... whether it be marriage, feelings, love. But the more I think of things we have talked about, the more I realise there could be 5 other women from his past thinking the same thing.

I'm falling apart, truly, when I should be excited about my upcoming short break. Instead, I am wondering how I will say bye to him at work. It has to end, but part of me doesn't want it to.

Truly confused and need a kick up the backside.

Edited November 26, 2015 by InTheShire
Meant EA rather than EUM

[whichwayisup]

When you realize you've had enough, realize you have the strength and courage to stop it all, you will. Otherwise you're inviting all the drama and games into your life.

 

I am proud of the way I act, the way I treat people and my appearance, yet clearly I have some insecurity within me that lets me be taken advantage of.

 

Respectfully, since you are aware of your flaws, do something to fix this so you won't put yourself in situations where you get hurt, taken advantage of and feel like a fool.

 

Your life is the way it is because of your choices, if you are unhappy and don't like this path you're on change things up! If you can't do it on your own get to counseling to help you.

[Lurkeraspect]

Welcome to LS.

 

Honestly, I read your post twice, and feel like this whole thing is in your head. good thing you're dating, real live, open for a relationship men. I don't see any ill will on his part. Sorry.

[Ms. Faust]

Welcome to LS.

 

Honestly, I read your post twice, and feel like this whole thing is in your head. good thing you're dating, real live, open for a relationship men. I don't see any ill will on his part. Sorry.

 

Yeah, this is one I read and it sounded to me like the OP was seeing more than what was happening. It sounds like the MM caught on to OP's crush and started to back off being friendly.

Edited November 27, 2015 by Ms. Faust

[InTheShire]

Thanks for your input!!!

 

Maybe I am reading into things too much... but I tend to see things very rationally and play things down if I don't know what they're thinking... I think perhaps he had/has a little crush. And I reciprocated. But it was most definitely him pursuing me in the beginning. Definitely. And I am 100% still in that beginning phase where we're giddy and everything (he came out of it, but I didn't so much...)

 

If I didn't read too much into it... well I guess I'll be back! Of course I hope that IS the case though... rather than not.