Joint custody not working out

[jakrbbt]

I could sure use someone's thoughts on this. Even if it's been said before. I feel at a loss.

 

Visited the pediatrician. He said that 1) the back-and-forth changing sleep schedule is not healthy, and 2) children this age should be waking earlier, not sleeping in. He pointed out that it's especially problematic for school-aged children. He said that if ex won't get on board with a school-compatible sleep schedule by the time child starts preschool this coming fall, then maybe we should think about getting a solution legally. And this is a diplomatic, conflict-adverse pediatrician.

 

Ex is pretty much refusing to discuss schools, but he also won't agree to have me start looking and placing child in school without his say. I'd like son to start preschool in the fall. I am happy to pay for all of it, even though we're 50/50 and agreement says we'd have to pay 50/50. But, ex does not want to wake up and take child to school. He also just won't even discuss it.

 

It's one thing if we disagree about when to start school, or which school we want. We could discuss or (ultimately, according to our court order) arbitrate a disagreement. I actually don't think we're far apart at all in our ideas about which schools are best. But ex won't even discuss when he wants school to start, or which school, or anything.

 

I guess I will send him a few emails saying (which I've said on the phone) that I propose touring schools, and making a decision about whether or not son will start preschool in the fall when he's almost 4. If ex won't even discuss or tour or reply, I'll offer to just get it set up myself. If he raises some objection, at least I'll have some way to bring the matter to arbitration if need be.

 

Sometimes high-conflict people just want to be heard, and be relevant. But it's not easy to do that while also avoiding being manipulated and disrupted by them.

 

I would rather have sole custody than deal with this for years. I can't plan son's life, can't even have a discussion about whether he's going to school. Yes, we can wait until he's 5 when he has to go to school (kindergarten), but I don't want to just wait until school is mandated only because joint-custody parents can't even get their act together enough to decide whether child should go to preschool.

 

And I cannot STAND how ever-present ex is in my life.

 

How do I set the kinds of boundaries that will just let me forget about him most the time?

 

I do not want to start associating my son, and my relationship with my son, forever with my problematic ex. I get that he'll always be around to some extent, but it shouldn't be to this extent.

 

No more coming in my house, for one thing. There was that time he came at 8 in the morning for our son, and he was annoyed son was awake. He went into my bed, in my house, with son, shut the door and tried to force son back to sleep so that ex could also sleep. I was in a hurry to get to work. But it was weird. Maybe it's time to get a drop-off location, or have son ready with bag packed.

 

I'll have to set aside fears that ex won't have adequate food et c. at his house.

 

Then there's whether to keep filling in for ex when he gets called into work. With a relatively normal ex, this would be no problem. I love having extra time with son, even if I must take vacation off work for it. But, because of ex's disorganized and weird way of requesting it, it keeps him more present, more relevant, in my life.

 

My bf says I shouldn't be taking vacation days to fill in for ex's childcare needs.

 

It is better for son if ex can work as much as possible. But, the last-minute notice (and total failure to adequately communicate the schedule) is hectic for me and son. Ex sends bizarrely unclear texts re work schedule, or he communicates halfway and then (every time) says his phone battery is about to die.

 

And he always manages to communicate something pretty bothersome about his care of son. Like, that he takes him to the cigar shop to get cigars and smoke. Or that he drops son off at friend's house so he, ex, can go out until past 10 at night. I'd almost rather not even know this stuff, so I can stop thinking about son as "poor child of ex whom I must protect." Almost. But, I do want to know what goes on. However, you can see how it interferes with my own relationship to my son. I can't think of toddler without thinking of his dad. I parent him so much in response to his dad, rather than just being me. I hate that!

 

I am starting to wonder whether ex drops these little pieces of information to keep me worrying and wondering, and stepping in and keeping the peace when he's unreasonable.

 

So I'm looking for

1) words of wisdom about how to make ex less relevant to me, psychologically. Is sole custody (even keeping the visitation time the same) the only way to do that? Or does it simply take time? Will passage of time solve this?

 

2) How to set boundaries so that he either participates in custodial decisions, or gets out of the way so that at least one of us can make those decisions. He thinks emails are litigious and overly formal. Should I still do all emails and tell him to pick son up in my driveway in the mornings rather than come inside my house?

Edited December 20, 2015 by jakrbbt

[testmeasure]

Take the child to daycare/preschool on your days. Let the ex decide on his.

 

 

A refusal to participate in a "joint" decision about an optional activity during his time is a valid strategy on his part and not justification for removal of joint decision making.

 

 

I'm skeptical about how much mileage you can get out of a couple hours difference in sleep schedules.

 

 

Why on earth would he be in your house? That makes zero sense. Yes, you need to somehow formalize transportation and handoff location. Look back at the parenting plan. Does it say anything at all about this that you could apply/follow literally as written to come up with a solution?

 

 

If he can't communicate clearly, reply back with something like,

 

 

We need to follow the parenting plan. It is a court order. I have not agreed or consented to deviating from it. The only case where I will agree to deviate from the parenting plan is where there is a clearly worded request for a specific change or exception to following the parenting plan that we can both agree on.

 

 

Then just document what happens. Don't let him make you figure out how to cut him slack. Follow the plan. If he needs an exception, make it clear that he needs your agreement first. Make it clear that if he can't clearly articulate a specific change/exception that you can both agree to then he's not going to get your agreement. Make it clear that you will document it if he doesn't follow the plan.

 

 

I'm not an expert here, and there may be something where a non custodial parent isn't obligated to exercise visitation, but a custodial parent is responsible for not abandoning the child. But I can't imagine that would mean the non custodial parent could dump the child on the custodial parent's door step without clear communication and prior agreement. So, if he can't follow the plan (or articulate a clear alternative that you agree to in advance) document it and then consult an attorney.

 

 

Also, document and keep a record of all the times he needs you to take care of the child during his time.

 

 

If whatever is going on with his schedule is so unpredictable and so confusing that it's hard to clearly communicate and get agreement in advance, and if it happens frequently enough, this might be your best argument for more time, a different schedule or putting the child in "preschool" during his time.

 

 

Disconnect. You don't get to decide what optional activities the child participates in or exactly what the sleep schedule is during his time. He doesn't get to decide to go off plan and not follow the court order without clear communication and prior agreement.

 

 

Disconnect. Follow the plan. Stop making unilateral decisions about each others time and the schedule. Follow the plan. Disconnect.

 

 

Again, I'm not a lawyer, this is just opinion for entertainment. Regard it as something you read on the internet, which is what it is.

[testmeasure]

I had another thought.

 

 

Before you go off insisting the child be put in preschool during his time, you might want to take a look at whether there is a school age schedule in the plan that is different.

 

 

Also look at what triggers the school age schedule. "Kindergarten"?

 

 

What if he were to take you to court and argue, we need to accelerate the adoption of the school age schedule or adopt XYZ new schedule because there is a change of circumstance not anticipated by the parenting plan in that she is now insisting that we enroll the child in optional preschool before the child is school age every day of the week including during my time?

 

 

You probably should talk to an attorney about all the different ways trying to interfere with his time could backfire.

 

 

I'm not an attorney, this isn't legal advice, it's just opinion for entertainment or whatever on the internet.

 

 

.

[jakrbbt]

I had another thought.

 

 

Before you go off insisting the child be put in preschool during his time, you might want to take a look at whether there is a school age schedule in the plan that is different.

 

 

Also look at what triggers the school age schedule. "Kindergarten"?

 

 

What if he were to take you to court and argue, we need to accelerate the adoption of the school age schedule or adopt XYZ new schedule because there is a change of circumstance not anticipated by the parenting plan in that she is now insisting that we enroll the child in optional preschool before the child is school age every day of the week including during my time?

 

 

You probably should talk to an attorney about all the different ways trying to interfere with his time could backfire.

 

 

I'm not an attorney, this isn't legal advice, it's just opinion for entertainment or whatever on the internet.

 

 

.

 

I don't intend to insist -- Even a disagreement on the school issue would be something we could work with. Then, we could compromise. Even if we ended up not doing school in the fall. But, I don't want to keep child out of school (and doing day care instead) just because we don't even deal with it. Someone needs to make custodial decisions, whatever they are. And if the 2 parents can't make them jointly, then they shouldn't have joint custody.

 

If we do disagree on school, and can't work it out, then we can arbitrate the school issue (according to our parenting plan)-- and still keep joint custody. It would likely end up in child being in school in the fall because I can show that father isn't opposed to school this early (so it's not an ideological difference), and I'm willing to pay for it.

 

But, if either one of us then says, "this joint custody thing isn't working," then the court has to grant sole custody to someone. And that is overwhelmingly likely to be me, according to the 5 attorneys I've talked to about it (and I can see it too). But, I'm not sure I'd want that expense and heartache.

 

The easiest fix to different sleep schedules would be if ex would get a job, and then he'd be unable to sleep in anyway and would not force son to. He's taken to pawning things to pay rent, so he does need a job.

 

Ex had a daughter 20 years ago. Divorced when she was 1 year old. He stood her up for visits, finally went several years at a time without seeing her, never mentioned her, never paid child support (and then he got two contempt of court findings for willful non-payment of support), and when she called him for help because she was 19 and pregnant, he told her that was her problem. Nor does he express any regret or rehabilitation.

 

People say he's staying in the picture this time because I am "helping" him do so, and because I have some means (unlike his first wife). A am not sure, but at least I should maybe stop helping so much. I just fear retaliation.

 

 

I actually think my bigger issue isn't even the school issue. Which I'd prevail on in court anyway if it came to that. My bigger issue is that it is killing me psychologically to keep dealing with ex. Everything so difficult because of him. He's in the way of my parenting even on my "half" (really I have son more than half).

 

During our marriage, he would take son from me while breastfeeding, just to be mean, saying something weird like that he wanted the living room to himself (but then would not give son back). Lots of similar examples too.

 

He keeps wanting to interfere like that. He's told his friends that I owe him a living, he should not have to work, because I left him and should pay for his rent and expenses because I had no right to leave. So I'm a bit stuck on all that, and I have a lot of fear.

 

Maybe just because of the past abuse, I need him gone as much as possible, and just when he's making it necessary to deal with him more.

[PegNosePete]

You're still, after all this time, expecting him to wake up some day and see the light. Expecting him to suddenly become a reasonable and logical human being.

 

It didn't happen last month. It didn't happen the month before that. And it didn't happen the month before that.

 

It is not going to happen.

 

You are enabling his behaviour, by accepting it.

[jakrbbt]

Take the child to daycare/preschool on your days. Let the ex decide on his.

 

 

A refusal to participate in a "joint" decision about an optional activity during his time is a valid strategy on his part and not justification for removal of joint decision making.

 

 

I'm skeptical about how much mileage you can get out of a couple hours difference in sleep schedules.

 

 

Why on earth would he be in your house? That makes zero sense. Yes, you need to somehow formalize transportation and handoff location. Look back at the parenting plan. Does it say anything at all about this that you could apply/follow literally as written to come up with a solution?

 

 

If he can't communicate clearly, reply back with something like,

 

 

We need to follow the parenting plan. It is a court order. I have not agreed or consented to deviating from it. The only case where I will agree to deviate from the parenting plan is where there is a clearly worded request for a specific change or exception to following the parenting plan that we can both agree on.

 

 

Then just document what happens. Don't let him make you figure out how to cut him slack. Follow the plan. If he needs an exception, make it clear that he needs your agreement first. Make it clear that if he can't clearly articulate a specific change/exception that you can both agree to then he's not going to get your agreement. Make it clear that you will document it if he doesn't follow the plan.

 

 

I'm not an expert here, and there may be something where a non custodial parent isn't obligated to exercise visitation, but a custodial parent is responsible for not abandoning the child. But I can't imagine that would mean the non custodial parent could dump the child on the custodial parent's door step without clear communication and prior agreement. So, if he can't follow the plan (or articulate a clear alternative that you agree to in advance) document it and then consult an attorney.

 

 

Also, document and keep a record of all the times he needs you to take care of the child during his time.

 

 

If whatever is going on with his schedule is so unpredictable and so confusing that it's hard to clearly communicate and get agreement in advance, and if it happens frequently enough, this might be your best argument for more time, a different schedule or putting the child in "preschool" during his time.

 

 

Disconnect. You don't get to decide what optional activities the child participates in or exactly what the sleep schedule is during his time. He doesn't get to decide to go off plan and not follow the court order without clear communication and prior agreement.

 

 

Disconnect. Follow the plan. Stop making unilateral decisions about each others time and the schedule. Follow the plan. Disconnect.

 

 

Again, I'm not a lawyer, this is just opinion for entertainment. Regard it as something you read on the internet, which is what it is.

 

Somehow this post wasn't visible earlier--thanks!

 

I guess I'd clarify one thing: According to the law, whether child even does preschool is considered a custodial decision that only the parent with legal custody may make. If parents have joint custody, then they have to either agree on that decision, or get it arbitrated. So, not the same (legally) as me trying to impose my decision on his parenting-time days. However, maybe ex does not even know that. That just dawned on me. Perhaps he's totally unaware that school-- and whether to even start school at preschool-- is a custodial decision, rather than just a decision each parent can make on their own separate time. How to remind him, without sounding legalistic (which frightens him and makes him unreasonable)?

 

I guess I'm too wimpy to even want that decision arbitrated.

 

Disconnecting is good advice. Thank you. Since we have joint custody, I need to figure out how to do it in a way that would not leave child going without school or sane, predictable schedule.

 

Should I stop taking vacation time to fill ex's day care needs? He does need work. But I too need to raise production to succeed in my career, which holds more promise for our child.

 

Wish someone could basically coach me in setting boundaries with ex and being assertive in a constructive way. He's only in my house because I cannot set boundaries with him. I think of him as very unpredictable and destructive, retaliatory and immature and manipulative.

Edited December 21, 2015 by jakrbbt

[PegNosePete]

Wish someone could basically coach me in setting boundaries with ex and being assertive in a constructive way.

You've been given reams and reams and reams of advice on how to do exactly that, on this forum in the past. But you haven't followed any of it.

 

I'd suggest that at this point, posting here isn't helping you much. You post a situation, people get angry on your behalf and tell you what you should do, and you totally ignore it and do what you were going to do originally anyway. Then a week later you post with the next problem.

 

It's simply going round in circles. At this point I would say you need professional help. Posting here is simply not helping you.

[Mr. Lucky]

He's only in my house because I cannot set boundaries with him. I think of him as very unpredictable and destructive, retaliatory and immature and manipulative.

 

Read back those last two sentences to yourself. You regularly let someone in your house who's "unpredictable and destructive, retaliatory and immature and manipulative" ???

 

Absent abuse or neglect, successful co-parenting after a difficult divorce comes from minimizing the interactions with your ex and maximizing the quantity and quality of time with your child. jakrbbt, not a difficult formula and if you'd stop undermining your good judgement with unnecessary doubts, it's one you could easily employ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[SoleMate]

I agree with PegNose and Mr. Lucky. jakrbbt, you are clearly a very intelligent woman. And you also perceive all the serious issues with your interactions with your ex. But you have serious trouble taking even the most basic, obvious steps to minimize your interactions and consequent headaches. You are at the 99th+ percentile of divorces spouses who allow nasty exes to interfere, control and get head space in the ex-partner. And nasty exes are everywhere, but to be honest, your ex is obviously a jerk and a rotten person and a bad father (the story of how he neglected and mistreated his now adult daughter is absolutely chilling), but he does not appear to be exceptionally bad, tbh. Kind of garden variety in the slacker/manipulator category. (Did you know of the daughter and how badly he still treats her before you married him?)

 

Is there something going on in you that makes it unusually easy for your ex to invade both your head and your physical space the way he does? I would suggest you get professional advice on how you can protect yourself and most importantly, your son, against him. Right now it almost seems - from your posts - that your life revolves around the ex. I'm sure that's not a complete perspective, but he's just way more in your business - and you are way more in his business, at least mentally - than is healthy. I would say, any time you find yourself thinking, "Ex should get a job, he should do this or that" you should STOP. His life is his to mismanage and run into the ground, or not. Your only concern should be your son.

 

Try thinking of the ex as a malfunctioning robot. If it runs off the rails, you hit reset then call a mechanic (arbitrator or court) to fix it. You don't try to understand the robot, you don't think at length about how the robot is behaving poorly, you don't muse over how the robot mistreated you. You just treat it as an inanimate problem to be addressed in a mechanistic way. I do think you would benefit from in-depth, professional help on how to detach.

[jakrbbt]

I agree with PegNose and Mr. Lucky. jakrbbt, you are clearly a very intelligent woman. And you also perceive all the serious issues with your interactions with your ex. But you have serious trouble taking even the most basic, obvious steps to minimize your interactions and consequent headaches. You are at the 99th+ percentile of divorces spouses who allow nasty exes to interfere, control and get head space in the ex-partner. And nasty exes are everywhere, but to be honest, your ex is obviously a jerk and a rotten person and a bad father (the story of how he neglected and mistreated his now adult daughter is absolutely chilling), but he does not appear to be exceptionally bad, tbh. Kind of garden variety in the slacker/manipulator category. (Did you know of the daughter and how badly he still treats her before you married him?)

 

Is there something going on in you that makes it unusually easy for your ex to invade both your head and your physical space the way he does? I would suggest you get professional advice on how you can protect yourself and most importantly, your son, against him. Right now it almost seems - from your posts - that your life revolves around the ex. I'm sure that's not a complete perspective, but he's just way more in your business - and you are way more in his business, at least mentally - than is healthy. I would say, any time you find yourself thinking, "Ex should get a job, he should do this or that" you should STOP. His life is his to mismanage and run into the ground, or not. Your only concern should be your son.

 

Try thinking of the ex as a malfunctioning robot. If it runs off the rails, you hit reset then call a mechanic (arbitrator or court) to fix it. You don't try to understand the robot, you don't think at length about how the robot is behaving poorly, you don't muse over how the robot mistreated you. You just treat it as an inanimate problem to be addressed in a mechanistic way. I do think you would benefit from in-depth, professional help on how to detach.

 

Thank you. I've got a screen-shot of this (and Mr.Lucky's) posts so I can read over and over while life is happening.

 

The "something in me" that makes it easy for him to invade: Fear that he'll hold sons wellbeing and future hostage.

 

I didn't really see myself as someone so has all the information and disregards it repeatedly. Instead, I keep perceiving that something new comes up, something no one ever thought of! But, maybe I'm being blind when I think that. maybe I am failing to execute a sensible course of action here.

 

When I think about it, I have to admit that I've never actually tested Mr. Lucky's (very trustworthy) theory: that minimal contact with ex plus good parenting on my half is the key to successful coparenting.

 

As long as it's likely that any neglect or abuse, I'd still hear about, even if I don't really communicate with ex.

 

Can't thank you all enough for replies.

 

Going to see a therapist tomorrow first thing.

[DSP]

 

Visited the pediatrician. He said that...

 

am happy to pay for all of it, even though we're 50/50 and agreement says we'd have to pay 50/50. But, ex does not want to wake up and take child to school. He also just won't even discuss it.

 

I guess I will send him a few emails saying (which I've said on the phone) that I propose...

 

Sometimes high-conflict people just want to be heard, and be relevant.

 

And I cannot STAND how ever-present ex is in my life.

 

How do I set the kinds of boundaries that will just let me forget about him most the time?

 

I do not want to start associating my son, and my relationship with my son, forever with my problematic ex. I get that he'll always be around to some extent, but it shouldn't be to this extent.

 

No more coming in my house, for one thing.

 

I'll have to set aside fears that ex won't have adequate food et c. at his house.

 

Then there's whether to keep filling in for ex when he gets called into work.

 

My bf says I shouldn't be taking vacation days to fill in for ex's childcare needs.

 

It is better for son if ex can work as much as possible. But, the last-minute notice (and total failure to adequately communicate the schedule) is hectic for me and son. Ex sends bizarrely unclear texts re work schedule, or he communicates halfway and then (every time) says his phone battery is about to die.

 

And he always manages to communicate something pretty bothersome about his care of son.

 

 

So I'm looking for

1) words of wisdom about how to make ex less relevant to me, psychologically.

 

2) How to set boundaries so that he either participates in custodial decisions, or gets out of the way so that at least one of us can make those decisions. He thinks emails are litigious and overly formal. Should I still do all emails and tell him to pick son up in my driveway in the mornings rather than come inside my house?

 

I'm not good on the formatting so I removed parts that were filler and I'll add my two pence.

 

Visiting the Dr. is a great thing for proof and that is about it. At this age you still have 2.5 years and a couple summer breaks before your child is in school.

 

I understand where you're coming from, but honestly preschool isn't going to give you much sway in the courts eyes. It's just a fact. You will be pissing away money on that point. Now when your child gets into middle school you have something.

 

Since you have 50/50 and he is responsible for 50% of schooling. Pay for it and send him the bill certified mail. I'm not joking. He isn't going to pay and it's just going to be another bill to add to his list. It's best you have something showing he received the bill and the court will tack it onto his support obligations.

 

Stop talking to this guy about anything. Just communicate through texts and emails. After reading through this post I see you need to create some strong boundaries. Start here. You also need documented proof of everything in court so start a paper trail.

 

Stop letting him into your house. There is absolutely no need for that at all. Climbed into your bed? Come on. He stops at the front door until your child is out of the house. You can stand by the door and make sure your child gets in the car. Him into your house, maybe... In your bed? Never.

 

My ex and I do not talk on the phone or in person. Only text and email documents with follow up texts stating they were sent. We do not go into each others homes. We exchange at the door or in the driveway. This is how my ex and I do it and this is only because I had to create strong boundaries.

 

You cannot stand how ever present your ex is in your life and this is what it all boils down to. Your child isn't going to die in his custody. He isn't abusing your child. Possibly neglecting him, but not abusing. His parenting style and yours are polar opposite and will be forever. Once you let go some of your control of your child you will see how much he does won't affect you and your life. It's actually liberating. This will also remove your feelings of associating your ex with your son. You will begin to not really care as much and focus on other things. Honestly ask yourself and be true to yourself. Is my child going to die in the care of my ex? If the answer is no then back off a bit.

 

Right of first refusal will take care of the sitter situation when he needs one. It is his responsibility to find a sitter not yours and if you have to work you are excused from the responsibility. Your ex is correct you should not be taking time off work to cover for him. Document all incidents this happens as it will be brought up in court.

 

Right now you will be flipping a coin to get full custody. I personally don't think you have enough to go on, but from what I've read this guy isn't going to be really a parent, but more of a fun Dad. In three years though and with some back up from the school and doctors you might have a good run at it.

 

Your ex is not going to agree with you on schooling or anything else. You will be parallel parenting. Take your child to pre school during your days and let the father do what he wants during his time. Don't even fight it. You have to start picking your battles wisely and this is one you will waste resources on and may lose.

 

Like other posters say.. Go see a lawyer, pay the consult fee and get a very informed unbiased third party opinion on the matter. They may open your eyes to things nobody else has thought of.

[BetrayedH]

Oh jakrabbit. I feel for you.

 

There is some real truth to what the others are saying. Your delays are enabling all of this to continue. It is remarkable that you think of them as different situations. They're really all the same thing.

 

I really have no idea why you think time will change anything. He's been the same untrustworthy parent since he had his daughter, which I gather is at least two decades ago. If anything, I think time and your patience is just solidifying his position and allowing him to establish this as the norm for you.

 

Look, I give you a lot of credit for having made the attempt at joint custody and 50/50. But the experiment has failed. The guy is a jobless, manipulative, dickhead. He didn't change. He didn't step up. He treats you as if you victimized him and should thus fix all of his problems at a moment's notice (and pay for them, too, by the way).

 

I look at this like your divorce. It took you a long time to make that decision. You had the same hopes that he'd change, the same fears about retaliation, and the same analysis paralysis. But eventually you did take action. Would you say that was the right choice? As much as you feared the heartache, retaliation, and expense of it, was it the right thing to do? Would you go back to where you were with him? I really think this is the same scenario playing out again.

[Mr. Lucky]

When I think about it, I have to admit that I've never actually tested Mr. Lucky's (very trustworthy) theory: that minimal contact with ex plus good parenting on my half is the key to successful coparenting.

 

The only think I'll gently correct is that it's not a theory, for me it was a practice.

 

Long before the Internet was pervasive and support like this was available, I had about as contentious a separation as one could have. My STBX cleared out the entire contents of our house. She took our son and went to Hawaii on a "vacation", then called from there to tell me they'd moved. And while all this craziness was going on, she was simultaneously trying to engage me in conversations about reconciling, custody and her financial needs (she was under-employed, sound familiar ?).

 

The only thing that saved my sanity was the very advice you're getting here - clear boundaries, set parameters and a refusal to play the mind games. Your first instincts usually seem to be right on, it's that nagging voice of doubt that's slowing down your transition to a better life.

 

Never going to be perfect but it can be good, bordering on great . Trust yourself...

 

Mr. Lucky

[jakrbbt]

Such enormously helpful information here. Thank you BetrayedH and Mr.Lucky. Brilliant, much-needed paragraphs that I keep rereading.

 

Very keen insight on doubts clouding judgment. Something to focus on. And the parallel between this and my decision to divorce, was an eye-opener.

 

Child therapist told me today that the important thing is the child have consistency within each household-- even if there's not consistency between the two households. That's good.

 

It may well be that filing for modification of custody, and even parenting plan, is necessary. I was hoping this whole ordeal would be over forever. I thought I could not handle any more of it. But I can. I may have to!

 

A more specific parenting-plan would sure have helped. My lawyer drafted a pretty vague one. Well, I'm learning that now. Maybe if we modify, I can modify the plan as well.

 

I will try a low-contact, no-nonsense parallel parenting with ex, starting now. He may well dink around with things (because of vague parenting plan) and use child to manipulate et c. Time to put that to the test.

 

I will visit my lawyer next week. I won't file anything against his advice.

[jakrbbt]

The only think I'll gently correct is that it's not a theory, for me it was a practice.

 

Long before the Internet was pervasive and support like this was available, I had about as contentious a separation as one could have. My STBX cleared out the entire contents of our house. She took our son and went to Hawaii on a "vacation", then called from there to tell me they'd moved. And while all this craziness was going on, she was simultaneously trying to engage me in conversations about reconciling, custody and her financial needs (she was under-employed, sound familiar ?).

 

The only thing that saved my sanity was the very advice you're getting here - clear boundaries, set parameters and a refusal to play the mind games. Your first instincts usually seem to be right on, it's that nagging voice of doubt that's slowing down your transition to a better life.

 

Never going to be perfect but it can be good, bordering on great . Trust yourself...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Also: It's encouraging to read this account of what happened. Wonderful. And there's hope. Thank you.