My mother being sick

[amkxoxo]

So all summer long my mother has been sick. Slowly she has been having multiple problems, one including a horrible faint feeling in her head where on occasion she almost or has passed out. After tons and tons of testing, the doctors have no idea what is wrong with her. She isn't supposed to drive far, and she often gets too tired or starts to feel really bad so she has to sit down. I live an hour and a half away. She used to visit me all the time. Now she can't so I try to get home as often as I can.

 

I feel I grew up around sickness. One family member after another was always sick and it always hindered my family's normal life. We always tried to help. Growing up, I had to skip hanging out with friends to take care of sick family members. I lost a friend here and there because I had to constantly be there for family. I'm glad I did it, but I realize the impact it had on my life as I have gotten older. Having to give up your life, to better someone else's. Its a hard reality to face when you are 12, 14, 16, etc...

 

Now at 23 and my mom 50, I feel it slowly happening again. I feel the need to constantly help her, and be there for her, and I worry about her constantly that it makes me sick.

 

I helped her prepare all of thanksgiving for our family today. She did it, but had a hard time. She was sick and tired all day. She worked hard on little sleep. The one thing I have been preparing for all week is Black Friday. She and I have made it a tradition to go out and shop at midnight. We don't stay out all night, but its really fun to bond and buy with her. I knew she was sick this year, but I still really wanted to do it. She didn't give me a straight yes or no answer. She really seemed to want to do it too.

 

I looked through all the ads. I saw what we wanted. I conferred with her on everything and we decided where we would go. The store we wanted to go to has been having the same sales online all week long. But I really wanted to see things in person. As the night went on she said she wasn't feeling the best. She laid down to nap for a while in hopes she needed that to feel better.

 

I got all ready and waited up for her to wake up. I was excited. This is one of the highlights of my holiday season, is doing this with her. She woke up, said she still didn't feel good, and she didn't really want to go.

 

I couldn't help the drop of expression from my face. I was very disappointed. If I had known this I would have ordered all the stuff I wanted online days ago, and gone to bed hours ago. I was tired too, but I still wanted to do it.

 

I grew frustrated. We fought. I'm not mad at her. I'm mad at her sickness. Its not her fault. I just feel held back. We fought, she insisted we go to the store, but I told her no. We fought more. I'm upset because I was betting on this fun time together. It won't even be fun if she doesn't feel good the whole time. I'm trying not to be selfish, I just feel like I helped her all day long, and this way the one thing I stayed up for to do for me.

 

I'm well enough to go. I want to go with her. I want her to be well enough to go. She and I are suppose to travel to this big nearby city in two days, walk around all day, take the underground train system, and see a theatre show. We still have all intention of going, but I feel like she could get sick while we are there. She can't do it. In a selfish way I feel like I can't enjoy and live my life because she isn't capable of doing the things we used to do together. I know she wants to do them, but she can't. I'm upset. I feel like I'm missing out on stuff now, and that I have to care for another sick person. But this time, its different, its not my grandma, or a relative, its my mom.

 

When I was 16, my mom moved in with her grandparents so they could live in their own home. They needed round the clock care. She had a caretaker when I was at school and my mom worked part time. But she was there day in and day out caring for them. She left me, my dad, and my sister to fend for ourselves for a year at our house. We would visit her. I would spend weekends with her. When I wanted to hangout with friends, my mom would make them come to see me at my grandma's house. I had to go there after school a lot. Sometimes I had to stay and watch my grandmother. I had to cook for her, help her to the bathroom, wipe her, and help her walk. That's tough for a 16 year old. One of my friends grew frustrated that I couldn't get rides to meet her places, and that I was always asking her to trek to my grandma's house, where we sat and did nothing. I lost a friend. And all the while I was going to school, making sure my sister got to school, and helping my dad. Our house was so messy because my dad worked full time and me and my sister were going to school.

 

And all the while I felt I didn't have a mother. My mother did the right thing by helping them. They were very happy, but even years later I can see the repercussions, and the toll it took on my family. I help my mom. My dad resents her and thinks she picks everyone before him. My sister, 20, has an attitude and no respect for my parents and wants to be able to do as she pleases, because I think there was no one there to watch her closely when my mom was away, during a pivotal time when that sort of stuff is really needed. She thinks she can do whatever she wants.

 

I feel bad being angry at my mom for her being sick. Its not her, its the sickness. They can't find whats wrong with her. How long will this last? Years of us not being able to live normally. I can't do this again. I feel like it will affect my life in so many ways. Its already affected my boyfriend. I go home so much and am always so worried about my sick mom, that sometimes he thinks its making me sick. He also sometimes gets annoyed because he feels I talk to her more than I talk to him sometimes.

 

I don't know what to do or what to think.

[introverted1]

OP, have you tried looking at this (or any) situation from the other person's position? My observation from your many threads is that you tend to see events as happening to you, even when the event is not about you. In this case, your mom is dealing with what has to be a frustrating (to her), scary (to her) health issue. Yet your #1 concern seems to be how it is going to effect you.

 

I get that this is an advice board and, as such, it's a place to come to ask questions you maybe can't ask friends IRL because those questions wuld be perceived as insensitive or selfish. But, at the same time, your apparent inability to empathize with others is disconcerting.

 

Do you have access to counseling services, either through your employer or your health plan? You might find it beneficial to talk to someone outside of a message board.

 

Hope your mom feels better.

[whichwayisup]

Maybe your mom needs to see her family Dr to get a referral to a psychologist. Is it possible she's suffering from depression and her ailments are physical, affecting her health?

 

You should have gone shopping on your own. She told you to go, and you didn't, so are you truly mad at her or mad at yourself because you let yourself feel so much guilt, enough to stay home?

 

Lower your expectations when it comes to her. She will never live up to what you want.

 

Do you have other family members who can help her out? Family friends, neighbours? This shouldn't be put all on you.

[basil67]

I can't help in the more broad sense, but as soon as you started writing about taking her out at midnight I guessed what was coming. Given her state of health, you should have cancelled the shopping trip when it was apparent she's exhausted.

 

Yes, I know she could have cancelled it to, but it seems she tried her best to make you happy but couldn't do it.

[amkxoxo]

I think I was mad more at the situation and I took it out on her. I love her and I apologized. I am angry she is sick and I am angry she cannot do the fun things she likes to do. Things she and I do together. We live 2 hours from each other now, so our time together is special, and she has been so sick that we haven't had any fun, good times together. She doesn't feel good a lot of the time. She and I have been working together doing research on what could be making her sick, and what can lessen her symptoms. I hope something works soon. She deserves to get better.

[basil67]

I think I was mad more at the situation and I took it out on her. I love her and I apologized. I am angry she is sick and I am angry she cannot do the fun things she likes to do. Things she and I do together. We live 2 hours from each other now, so our time together is special, and she has been so sick that we haven't had any fun, good times together. She doesn't feel good a lot of the time. She and I have been working together doing research on what could be making her sick, and what can lessen her symptoms. I hope something works soon. She deserves to get better.

 

I'm glad you apologised. Now it's time to work on that anger. As that anger is making you behave badly, it's time to work through it and find other ways to be.

[whichwayisup]

I think I was mad more at the situation and I took it out on her. I love her and I apologized. I am angry she is sick and I am angry she cannot do the fun things she likes to do. Things she and I do together. We live 2 hours from each other now, so our time together is special, and she has been so sick that we haven't had any fun, good times together. She doesn't feel good a lot of the time. She and I have been working together doing research on what could be making her sick, and what can lessen her symptoms. I hope something works soon. She deserves to get better.

 

Some how you need to accept her and the situation/her illness and make peace with it. Change your idea of 'fun'. Focus on the things that make her happy, her hobbies that now have changed instead of getting upset and angry that she can't shop and run around anymore. that isn't going to happen and the more you force it and have high expectations the more you're gonna be disappointed. Right now her world is small in box, she can only handle so much.

 

What movies does she like? Get a bunch of dvd's, make an afternoon of binge watching tv or do baking/cooking together. Book a spa day, she can sit in a hot tub and you both can have pedicures, manicures and massages... Im sure she'd love that.