Career as a pilot is ripping me away from family

[Mjm1014]

Okay I'll try to keep this as brief as possible. Had a few beers so bare with me!

 

When I was 5 years old, I always wanted to be a pilot. As I got older, the dream was still very much real, and my dad footed the bill for my flight training and college which costed as much as med school. Because there were only a few colleges that offered an aviation program I spent the next 7 years away from my parents while I went to college and became a flight instructor to build my flight hours.

 

Today, I'm finally in the airlines (my dream job), but again I am not living in the same town as my parents and it's killing me. I have a girlfriend here that I've been dating for 6-7 months, which I care deeply about-at times I'm not sure it's working because we are in two different stages of our lives (she's 24 I'm going to be 29) and I don't feel like we are close to living together. I keep going back and forth ending things. Overall this career has killed every relationship I've ever been in since I'm gone a lot, move a lot, and have a horrible schedule.

 

Staying in this industry would mean most likely I'll never be able to move back to the city where my parents live (no hubs there) and it is seriously wearing on me. I get no holidays off, no weekends off, no vacations, pay is worse than McDonald's-I'm talking food stamp wages (ten years from now I should be making a lot though or at least I hope), and it kills me my parents are getting older and I'm not able to be there for them. I miss them so much.

 

I feel very selfish for doing this to my parents, but on the flip side, I feel like if I get out of the industry I will let them down since they invested so much into my future. I feel like that's the only way I'll be able to live in the same town...So I guess my question is, has anyone been in a similar situation? What would you do?

 

What hurts is my parents don't understand how I'm feeling...my mom cried when I told her once again I'm missing Christmas for work (missed every holiday so far for the past two years), my grandparents and relatives have become strangers, and at the same time when I tell them I want to move back they start making me feel guilty by saying-"you knew this career would cause you to be away from us-you have no back up plans." They seem equally concerned with me getting out of the industry. What they don't get is priorities change as you get older-when I was younger all I wanted to do was fly, and didn't realize how much I would truly be sacrificing.

 

I have no idea what to do at this point. I love my job and the flying, but it's ripping me away from my family. I've worked so hard to get to this point and sacrificed a lot so I hate to think I have to throw it all out-but again family means more to me. I feel like someday this is going to be a major regret in my life.

 

Again, sorry for the negativity, I just am really confused about where my life is going, and could use someone with maybe a different perspective. Thanks for reading this!

Edited November 27, 2015 by Mjm1014

[loveweary11]

I have the exact same problem. Just substitute boats for planes.

 

One of my small businesses is doing yacht charters.

 

The ex wife and I built a new boat that I went away to a very rural, poor area to complete. Rushing to complete it saw me isolated for all holidays for about 4 years now. It really upsets my mother and the extended family thinks I don't like them.

 

Now that the new boat is launched, I have to finish the interior and the sooner this is done, the better, so I can do more charters.

 

I'm 1000 miles away from family and they want to get together for Thanksgiving and Christmas. In the icy, cold snow. I don't even own clothes for that anymore. I don't want to leave the boat to fly up to winter. Possible damage, no clothes for it, etc.

 

Yet, I go up there every summer and they don't have family stuff in the summer!

 

Even though there were a lot of other factors, part ofmy ex wife's complaints were that I was gone for 2 years to build the boat. Even though she decided that's what we would do. (it was a great, great financial move.)

 

So that distance helped kill my marriage, even though I was doing it for us.

 

Then there are all these girls I've met since. I've had several girls that I've become serious with. Every time I leave the South in the summer or leave the North in the winter, they stay behind (due to school, work, etc) and I lose them.

 

Exactly the same problems you have, except I have a little more control over it. Just a little, because a larger boat is a very demanding mistress.

 

Answer is to find someone who travels, who "gets it" and who is where you most frequently are... in a hub area. Sadly, I haven't been able to. The parents answer is a very difficult one, but I often wonder: "why don't they make time when *I* have time?"

 

Ultimately, they should. You may miss the big family Christmas, but you should still see them plenty on other times of the year. Are you able to do that?

[clia]

You say you get no vacations, no holidays off, no weekends off...so are you working 7 days a week? The pilots I know typically work a few days and then have a few days off (depending on the routes they fly) and are able to request certain days off each month. You might have to simply rearrange your view of what a weekend is -- maybe it's Tuesday and Wednesday instead of Saturday and Sunday. Can you move to a closer hub city to your parents to make traveling to see them easier?

 

And won't your schedule and pay get better as you gain seniority?

[Sugarkane]

I would've killed for parents paying for my education and a career that took me away from them!!

[xxoo]

Other than the schedule and the family issues, do you enjoy your job? If you had holidays and time with family, would you still want to be a pilot?

 

The first few years in any career tend to be full of sacrifices. Holidays can be celebrated any day, not just on the calendar day.

 

Consider this: your parents lived their lives and their dreams. Their happiness now is seeing you live your life and your dream. You thriving somewhere else is far more satisfying for a parent than you stagnating with them. The goal is to give our kids roots and wings. They took the wings part quite literally I'm sure they are very proud, and wouldn't want you to be suffering guilt.

[Mjm1014]

Sorry for the late response! Thanks again for the opinions.

 

This has been a very draining issue for me partly because I know my family misses me-a ton, but also because my grandparents are going downhill fast and I never get to see them..like I said I've basically been a stranger the past two years. All my cousins have gotten married, wasn't able to attend any of the weddings (even if I say I'm sick they check if you listed on any flights)...I really feel my extended family hates me at this point since I miss literally everything.

 

To answer one question, I get a say in my schedule every month, but because I'm so junior I don't get any of the days I request off so it's hard to plan anything with them. There a huge pilot shortage because people interested in the career have learned that it really isn't worth all the sacrifices so my seniority is not improving at all, if anything more senior people are getting out of the profession. Again, no weekends (when my family is free), no holidays off, and you get zero personal days.

 

I do love the flying, but the actual job sucks...most people I know can't even afford rent so they pay $200 a month to live in a crashpad to live with a bunch of flight attendants and pilots in a small house. It's pathetic. Sorry I guess this is more of a vent post. It's slowly making me an extremely bitter person.

 

 

lol I know life could be A LOT worse. Just sucks at my age I have no control over my life and it's killing every relationship I've ever had-with partners, family, and friends.

[anika99]

Ultimately you have to do whatever feels right for you. I remember when I was a kid I thought pilots were so prestigious and glamorous. Actually I think the job was a little more prestigious and glamorous back then as it was back in a time when flying was very expensive and I think pilots were better paid. I saw a show about airline pilots a few years ago and I was shocked at how overworked and underpaid they were.

 

I don't have any real advice as I'm sure it won't be easy to walk away from your current profession and I'm not sure if that's even the best thing. All I can say is live your life for you. Don't let anyone guilt you into anything.

[burningashes]

I dated a pilot for a year (our relationship ended for reasons other than his job) so I've been on the receiving end.

 

Weekends might not be exactly Friday to Sunday for you. Whatever days you get off is your "weekend".

 

You can find people who understands that - they are out there. Pilots aren't the only ones with this problem!

 

If you've been missing weddings or important family events because of work, you can make up to people for it. Send wedding gifts with thoughtfully written notes, call your friends more frequently or schedule ahead of time for days you know you have days off to hang out with them.

 

Your schedule is changing all the time, and only you know when you have to work. So by planning ahead, you can schedule time with your loved ones and they won't resent you for it.

 

Don't feel guilty for having a different life style with a career that isn't from 9am to 5pm. As you gain seniority, you'll get more time and money - you'll be able to see your family more. Think long term, not short term.

 

All careers require sacrifice, and changing industries isn't going to change that. Suppose you left the industry and pursue a different career. You may very well end up having to move to different cities anyway because all the jobs for that career is there. The hours might end up being just as long with low pay. Etcetera.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say, is that the grass isn't necessarily greener on the other side, and to think carefully about leaving the industry because it's just as hard in other careers.

[bluefeather]

I would have left long ago. Any job that keeps me that far from family I actually care about for that long, and screws with my romantic relationships, is not a job worth keeping. I wouldn't even do that for my dream job. I don't even have a dream job anymore - just a dream, and that is growing old with a woman I love.

 

I've gotten flack from people before based on decisions I've made, but I still made them, because the decisions made ME happy. That's what matters. I learned to stop letting other people rule my life. Once I got a taste of that freedom, I just can't get enough.

 

And leaving a "career" because you wish to be close to your family... I can't think of a better reason.

[SolG]

I have a friend who's H is a pilot in the Air Force. He left the service for a few years to fly for an airline... But rejoined after a few years.

 

His W tells me she much prefers him flying in the military vs the airline. She says the pay and conditions are better, the work is more predictable as mostly he flies at his home base and exercises are planned and known well in advance, and he gets just about all major holidays off and they often travel to share these with family.

 

Of course there is the downside of moving fairly regularly (dependant on type) and long absences for deployments. And also not to underplay the danger! But she also speaks highly of the support networks and strong sense of community.

 

Just a thought. Maybe the airlines are not the only way for you be part of the aviation industry. There are also flying doctors, etc, that would provide opportunities for you to follow your passion but with more stability. Maybe?

[Standard-Fare]

I sympathize with your situation a lot, and I can tell it's tearing you up. But I also know that most demanding careers, in their early stages, involve sh*tty schedules, sh*tty pay, and a lot of sacrifices until you put in the time to earn your dues and seniority. (See also: doctor.)

 

Important questions, some of which have already been raised:

 

1) Would it be possible to move to a hub that's at least closer to your parents, within relatively easy driving distance? And if so would you consider doing that if it might mean ending your current romantic relationship?

 

2) At what point (how many years from now) would you expect to see the benefits of this career choice kick in, giving you better pay and more scheduling flexibility?

 

3) If you did choose to pursue another career path, which options would be available for translating your skills as a pilot, with or without pursuing more education? (For example, have you seen/heard of examples of other pilots making a career switch, and if so what did they choose?)

[PinkElephants]

changed my mind

Edited January 29, 2016 by PinkElephants

[oldandrestless]

I might not have a grip on handling my in-laws but I recently retired from a 24/7 aviation career field and what you describe is pretty common in most facets of aviation that are 24/7. The more junior the worse it is, but it gets only slightly better as you move up in seniority which can take quite a while.

 

There are other pilot jobs which may be better in terms of regularity of the work day/week. One that immediately comes to mind is "flight check pilot" in the Flight Standards division of the FAA. Except for checking navaids after an accident, those guys are 9-5, M-F. Perhaps corporate pilot job might also suit.

 

Frankly these types of jobs kill your social life because you always work holidays weekends, evenings and seemingly when anything important happens. You do give up a lot in terms of family and friends because of the schedules. One adaptive mechanism is to date/marry in the job (or similar) because as a group we can accept the disruption that others cannot.

 

I wish you luck and I hope you find a way to adapt.

[whichwayisup]

Sooner or later you have to make a decision which is more important. You can't go on like this, being miserable and missing your family, your friends, cousins and extended family (though I'm sure they understand due to the type of job you have) but if you don't get any days off (which is unhealthy and not good for someone flying a plane!) and work 7 days a week, you're gonna burn out.

[Satu]

Why not choose another career which doesn't wreck your life, and just fly for your own pleasure?

 

Aerobatics over the sea?

 

Long summer days spent gliding?

 

You don't have to sell your soul to the airline companies to fly.

[Popsicle]

I second joining the military. Or, could you become a private pilot? The owner of my company has one and he also flies private jets for several other private companies in the area.

[Els]

I agree with those who said that you shouldn't let proximity to your parents dictate your career. Any parent who truly cares about their child would want their child to grow and be happy in the career route that they choose. Even if that career takes their child away from them physically.

 

That being said, I don't think "I invested so much in this already" is a good reason for staying in something that makes you miserable. It's a classic fallacy - sometimes it's worth cutting your losses.

 

Think about it this way, in 10 or 20 years from now, what do you want? Would you look back and regret staying? Are your hardships temporary or are they an inherent part of your career? Do you enjoy your job if it weren't for the irregular locations and hours?