How Does He Really Feel?

[Teresa76]

So I started seeing MM two years ago. Didn't know he was married but when I found out I couldn't stop because I was addicted to the sex. I didn't really have feelings for him, and after about 6 months he started telling me he loved me. Since I didn't feel the same, I would never respond but that didn't stop him from saying it. Now I'm not naive and im not easily fooled. I'm aware that men will tell you anything to keep you around. But whenever he said it, I actually believed him.

 

For one, he would ALWAYS bring it up during sex. Not in a spur of the moment kind of thing, but he would actually stop having sex and have a whole conversation about it. He would go on and on about how he feels like I'm using him for sex, and I swear I could actually hear the pain in his voice. So when he would ask me if I love him during sex, I started saying yes so he wouldn't stop. Well, that didn't work because it went from "do you love me" to "WHY do you love me"? I believe he knew I couldn't answer the question. Still, he would never stop saying it. Everytime he did, no matter what position we were in, he would stop, hold my face in his hands while looking in my eyes, and kiss me. Every single time, which was about once a week.

 

Fast forward a year later, I started to feel like I was falling in love with him. When I finally said it, he said to me " I've always had love for you". Now to me, this means that he cares but isn't in love. So I never said it again. He's only said it once since then, but it was like he let it slip out. His exact words were, " I love you girl. I mean, I've always had love for you". Now I'm confused and I don't know what to make of it. For clarity, he's never future faked with me. He seems to love his wife, but from what I see she's more like a mother figure to him. We could never be together, which I tell him all the time, but he's still willing to risk everything just to be with me(his words) A part of me feels like I really don't love him, and that I'm only in love with the idea of being loved. However, I'm so confused about his feelings at this point. Could I have been bamboozled?

[S2B]

So I started seeing MM two years ago. Didn't know he was married but when I found out I couldn't stop because I was addicted to the sex. I didn't really have feelings for him, and after about 6 months he started telling me he loved me. Since I didn't feel the same, I would never respond but that didn't stop him from saying it. Now I'm not naive and im not easily fooled. I'm aware that men will tell you anything to keep you around. But whenever he said it, I actually believed him.

 

For one, he would ALWAYS bring it up during sex. Not in a spur of the moment kind of thing, but he would actually stop having sex and have a whole conversation about it. He would go on and on about how he feels like I'm using him for sex, and I swear I could actually hear the pain in his voice. So when he would ask me if I love him during sex, I started saying yes so he wouldn't stop. Well, that didn't work because it went from "do you love me" to "WHY do you love me"? I believe he knew I couldn't answer the question. Still, he would never stop saying it. Everytime he did, no matter what position we were in, he would stop, hold my face in his hands while looking in my eyes, and kiss me. Every single time, which was about once a week.

 

Fast forward a year later, I started to feel like I was falling in love with him. When I finally said it, he said to me " I've always had love for you". Now to me, this means that he cares but isn't in love. So I never said it again. He's only said it once since then, but it was like he let it slip out. His exact words were, " I love you girl. I mean, I've always had love for you". Now I'm confused and I don't know what to make of it. For clarity, he's never future faked with me. He seems to love his wife, but from what I see she's more like a mother figure to him. We could never be together, which I tell him all the time, but he's still willing to risk everything just to be with me(his words) A part of me feels like I really don't love him, and that I'm only in love with the idea of being loved. However, I'm so confused about his feelings at this point. Could I have been bamboozled?

 

Yes.

 

Your evidence shows that he lied to get what he wants.

 

 

Would he love you enough to divorce and be only with you?

 

 

IF he loves you that much what actions is he willing to do to show you he loves only you?

[Teresa76]

Yes.

 

Your evidence shows that he lied to get what he wants.

 

 

Would he love you enough to divorce and be only with you?

 

 

IF he loves you that much what actions is he willing to do to show you he loves only you?

 

You are right, but I didnt want to be with him like that. I only wanted sex, and we had an agreement that that's all that would come of it. That's why I'm so confused. He didn't have to lie like he loved me because I wanted the sex maybe more than he did. I just don't understand why he would put on a show.

[SoleMate]

Could I have been bamboozled?

Yes, if you think this is anything more than the typical affair.

 

......I'm so confused about his feelings at this point.

The intense lovey dovey stuff during sex is just him reacting to the surge of oxytocin etc. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_motivation_and_hormones It's a powerful feeling, but quickly fades away and gets replaced by the everyday reality that he is already embedded in a life with his wife, who does meet most of his emotional/sexual/familial/security/financial/residential/social needs at some level..... I know that to be true, as that is why he married her in the first place and why he stays married to her even when he has 1 or more obvious alternatives.

 

If you were truly just "using him for sex", you would not care about his feelings at all, other than to study them so you can continue to manipulate him into sex as necessary. But since you obviously do care enough about his feelings towards you to start a thread on "How Does He Really Feel?", you clearly have an emotional attachment to him. This will end badly, in more pain for you. If you really need an unemotional sex relationship, I'd recommend finding a single man for FWB. A single man may lose interest over time but will not likely throw you under the bus and run over your head, whereas with a cheating MM it's practically guaranteed.

[OneLov]

If you were truly just "using him for sex", you would not care about his feelings at all, other than to study them so you can continue to manipulate him into sex as necessary.

 

Exactly. How do you feel bamboozled? Not seeing the deception. It began with two people using it each, and clearly, one developed feelings. That's common. Why do you think it's an act?

[anika99]

It's all about ego. If he truly cared about you he wouldn't have wanted you to go down the painful path of being in love with a married man. He would have known that it was going to hurt you and he would have wanted better for you. It's like he was demanding you to love him? What is loving about that? That behaviour was about his offended ego and nothing more.

 

I'm confused about the second part of your post. He's never future faked, you don't know if you really love him, you could never be with him and you tell him that, yet you want to know if you have been bamboozled. I think instead of wondering about him and his intentions and feelings it would be best for you to figure out your own intentions first. You wonder if his love is genuine yet you don't even know if your own feelings of love are genuine. If you want him to be yours tell him that. Then you will know by his actions if he is sincere or not. If you don't want him then consider ending it so that you can find someone you do want.

 

In my opinion he was confusing hot sex and lust with love. Now that the excitement has died down a little he is not as inspired to declare his love for you. Now he changes the wording to say I have love for you, instead of I love you. The romantic in love feelings that a new relationship brings are wearing off for him. The same thing probably happened with his wife. He likes new and exciting and will probably be a serial cheater.

[Teresa76]

Yes, if you think this is anything more than the typical affair.

 

 

The intense lovey dovey stuff during sex is just him reacting to the surge of oxytocin etc. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_motivation_and_hormones It's a powerful feeling, but quickly fades away and gets replaced by the everyday reality that he is already embedded in a life with his wife, who does meet most of his emotional/sexual/familial/security/financial/residential/social needs at some level..... I know that to be true, as that is why he married her in the first place and why he stays married to her even when he has 1 or more obvious alternatives.

 

If you were truly just "using him for sex", you would not care about his feelings at all, other than to study them so you can continue to manipulate him into sex as necessary. But since you obviously do care enough about his feelings towards you to start a thread on "How Does He Really Feel?", you clearly have an emotional attachment to him. This will end badly, in more pain for you. If you really need an unemotional sex relationship, I'd recommend finding a single man for FWB. A single man may lose interest over time but will not likely throw you under the bus and run over your head, whereas with a cheating MM it's practically guaranteed.

 

I did not care about his feelings in the beginning. It wasn't until a year later that I started to care. You are absolutely right in that I do have an emotional attachment to him now.

[Teresa76]

It's all about ego. If he truly cared about you he wouldn't have wanted you to go down the painful path of being in love with a married man. He would have known that it was going to hurt you and he would have wanted better for you. It's like he was demanding you to love him? What is loving about that? That behaviour was about his offended ego and nothing more.

 

I'm confused about the second part of your post. He's never future faked, you don't know if you really love him, you could never be with him and you tell him that, yet you want to know if you have been bamboozled. I think instead of wondering about him and his intentions and feelings it would be best for you to figure out your own intentions first. You wonder if his love is genuine yet you don't even know if your own feelings of love are genuine. If you want him to be yours tell him that. Then you will know by his actions if he is sincere or not. If you don't want him then consider ending it so that you can find someone you do want.

 

In my opinion he was confusing hot sex and lust with love. Now that the excitement has died down a little he is not as inspired to declare his love for you. Now he changes the wording to say I have love for you, instead of I love you. The romantic in love feelings that a new relationship brings are wearing off for him. The same thing probably happened with his wife. He likes new and exciting and will probably be a serial cheater.

Thank you for the great advice. I do need to figure out my own feelings. the thing is, he kinda looked at me like I was some celebrity. I do music and he's had a crush on me for a while. He would say things like, Wow, I can't believe I'm actually here with you. Maybe I was just addicted to the attention. But, I'm still not sure that I would be in a real relationship with him.

[Dancewithme]

Solemate, you beat me to those comments. OP, I don't think he is INTENDING to bamboozle you, but is definitely in the moment when he makes those comments. It is what it is.

 

Just reading your post, with all the "details", and realizing this is someone else's husband, kinda turns my stomach. No disrespect intended, but really. Isn't life complicated enough? If you want no strings attached sex, why not with a single guy? It's hard enough trying to get a read on what a guys' feelings or intentions are, but, throw an unsuspecting spouse in the mix, and you can't be sure of anything.

 

You're wondering what he really means, if you're being bamboozled...just the fact that he is married, having an affair, shows he is bamboozle material.

 

Sometimes I just don't have the stomach for this forum. Maybe it was all the turkey...

[S2B]

You are right, but I didnt want to be with him like that. I only wanted sex, and we had an agreement that that's all that would come of it. That's why I'm so confused. He didn't have to lie like he loved me because I wanted the sex maybe more than he did. I just don't understand why he would put on a show.

 

What he did or said then doesn't matter now except that you know he's willing to:

 

Lie

Manipulate

 

 

In order to get what he wants.

 

What about what you want? Can you get that from a man who's married?

 

If not, can you end it so you can get it from an available man?

[Teresa76]

Solemate, you beat me to those comments. OP, I don't think he is INTENDING to bamboozle you, but is definitely in the moment when he makes those comments. It is what it is.

 

Just reading your post, with all the "details", and realizing this is someone else's husband, kinda turns my stomach. No disrespect intended, but really. Isn't life complicated enough? If you want no strings attached sex, why not with a single guy? It's hard enough trying to get a read on what a guys' feelings or intentions are, but, throw an unsuspecting spouse in the mix, and you can't be sure of anything.

 

You're wondering what he really means, if you're being bamboozled...just the fact that he is married, having an affair, shows he is bamboozle material.

 

Sometimes I just don't have the stomach for this forum. Maybe it was all the turkey...

 

No offense taken. I appreciate your opinion. I know what we are doing is wrong, but it's not that easy to stop. Believe me I have tried. Numerous times.

[Teresa76]

What he did or said then doesn't matter now except that you know he's willing to:

 

Lie

Manipulate

 

 

In order to get what he wants.

 

What about what you want? Can you get that from a man who's married?

 

If not, can you end it so you can get it from an available man?

I think I have a fear of commitment, which is probably why I satyrd in this situation longer than I should have. I counsel young kids as a second job, but I think I may need counseling myself.

[sandylee1]

So you are getting to care for a man who lied/didn't tell you he was married? That's kinda major don't you think? If loving someone means you cheat on them for 2 years. .... I would never want to be loved.

[MissBee]

So I started seeing MM two years ago. Didn't know he was married but when I found out I couldn't stop because I was addicted to the sex. I didn't really have feelings for him, and after about 6 months he started telling me he loved me. Since I didn't feel the same, I would never respond but that didn't stop him from saying it. Now I'm not naive and im not easily fooled. I'm aware that men will tell you anything to keep you around. But whenever he said it, I actually believed him.

 

For one, he would ALWAYS bring it up during sex. Not in a spur of the moment kind of thing, but he would actually stop having sex and have a whole conversation about it. He would go on and on about how he feels like I'm using him for sex, and I swear I could actually hear the pain in his voice. So when he would ask me if I love him during sex, I started saying yes so he wouldn't stop. Well, that didn't work because it went from "do you love me" to "WHY do you love me"? I believe he knew I couldn't answer the question. Still, he would never stop saying it. Everytime he did, no matter what position we were in, he would stop, hold my face in his hands while looking in my eyes, and kiss me. Every single time, which was about once a week.

 

Fast forward a year later, I started to feel like I was falling in love with him. When I finally said it, he said to me " I've always had love for you". Now to me, this means that he cares but isn't in love. So I never said it again. He's only said it once since then, but it was like he let it slip out. His exact words were, " I love you girl. I mean, I've always had love for you". Now I'm confused and I don't know what to make of it. For clarity, he's never future faked with me. He seems to love his wife, but from what I see she's more like a mother figure to him. We could never be together, which I tell him all the time, but he's still willing to risk everything just to be with me(his words) A part of me feels like I really don't love him, and that I'm only in love with the idea of being loved. However, I'm so confused about his feelings at this point. Could I have been bamboozled?

 

You know yourself, so if you feel like you love the idea of being loved and not him, you may be on to something. I've been in that situation before. I had a boyfriend who declared he loved me after 2 weeks, I didn't feel the same but eventually let myself believe I felt the same and I ultimately realized I liked the idea, I liked that he loved me (or thought he did, as ultimately that wasn't quite true either). So if you feel that could be the case, it's likely true, as if it were real IMO, you wouldn't even be thinking like that.

 

Also, it's odd that you believed him because he said he loved you during sex and not "at the spur of the moment." Huh?! I'm confused about this, I thought it was common knowledge, people joke about this all the time, that you shouldn't believe ANYTHING anyone says during sex, they are all hopped up on oxytocin, a bonding hormone, that will make them say ANYTHING and literally forget it after the sex high wears off. If anything,you should be MORE SUSPICIOUS of any declarations made during sex where for all intents and purposes there is A LOT of hormones flooding your brain and body, than if he is perfectly sane and sitting down over coffee and said it. In my own A for example, I believed he loved me because all we had was emotional intimacy at the time that he said it. There wasn't any sex until a little over a year in. I felt he didn't have any incentives to lie about it and he was less likely to simply be speaking out of temporary sex high insanity. About a year in after a phone conversation, we hung up. He called me back about 2 minutes later and basically blurted it out and said he loved me, he'd felt it long before then, but didn't say it; however, he wants to say it now. I felt the same to be honest. And the "I love yous" pretty much became normal from then....it seemed even-keeled and sane with no real additional incentive to say it, so I believed it. But had he said it during sex and based on what you're saying, it seems your MM ONLY says it during sex, I wouldn't take it seriously...I'd chalk it up to the oxytocin. I think that's really most likely the case for your MM esp since he's backtracked to saying he has love for you but doesn't love you. I don't think he's necessarily trying to lie, I genuinely believe that since he says it during sex, it is just one of those things where during sex your mind is on a different plane and you may say all kinds of things you wouldn't normally say.

[S2B]

I think I have a fear of commitment, which is probably why I satyrd in this situation longer than I should have. I counsel young kids as a second job, but I think I may need counseling myself.

 

Can you get guidance from a professional?

[Lois_Griffin]

So I started seeing MM two years ago. Didn't know he was married but when I found out I couldn't stop because I was addicted to the sex.

Let me get this straight.

 

You found out some married guy was LYING to you to get sex from you and when you found out how badly you'd been disrespected, you continued being with him because you were 'addicted' to the sex?