Second chances & Apologies

[Fernando2826]

My gf and I broke up a week into college. After a ridiculously intense 6 months of her telling me that I was her soulmate etc., she ended up in bed with another guy (she says nothing happened) on the very night that I was going to visit her, just 2 weeks in. She then allowed me to drive 4 hours to see her, even asking me to collect things and bring them to her, then spent the entire visit messaging this other guy in front of me.

 

Inevitably, I was devastated. Having barely heard from her, she randomly messaged me 2 months afterwards saying, "I miss you" and "I'm feeling a little bit lost'. I might add that she was casually seeing the guy she left me for for that period, only for him to then go to Europe for the next 3 months as part of his course.

 

I still loved her, but was so hurt by her actions that I told her I thought it best if we didn't communicate for a bit. I do want her back, and wonder whether it might have made a difference if I had responded positively to her messages? Or if I had asked to meet up? What really threw me was her saying 'I'm not sure what it is I've done to offend you'.

 

We spoke on the phone a few days later only for her to say that she thinks she made the right decision ending it, and that she didn't want a relationship alongside her course. If I had jumped on this opportunity though and suggested we met up over Christmas could it have made a difference? Part of me thinks it was just the initial uni blowout which ended us, but part of me thinks she just struggles to stay faithful in relationships, as she cheated on her ex of 2 years also.

 

This was all around Christmas. During Easter, she heard I had had a car accident so asked to meet up. I agreed and we spent an hour walking and talking.

 

I then didn't hear from her until Summer. Apparently one of our mutual friends disclosed that I had mooted the idea that she might have a personality disorder. A few weeks later, she asked if we could go for a late night drive together. She apologised for all that had happened, saying she was now seeing a therapist and that her issues with her absent father had made her reliant upon the attention of men.

 

She also told me that she thought I had been a t*at when we met up over Easter, and that I seemed to have become arrogant. Nevertheless we had sex that evening. She now has a new bf, so there is no chance of getting back together, but I hate the idea that she thought of me as having changed and would like to know that the possibility of getting back together in the future remained. Her birthday is coming up soon so we will probably chat, but I wonder whether it is worth me just saying 'sorry about the last few times we've met up' sort of thing. Just briefly?

Edited November 27, 2015 by Fernando2826

[VeveCakes]

um, what is the attraction to this girl?

 

She cheated on you.

 

She used you as a back up when her fling went to Europe.

 

She is stringing you along for the attention...she needs more time with the therapist.

 

Don't message her on her birthday. Cut your losses and find someone who will put you first and think the world of you. Life is too short to be chasing someone like this.

[Fernando2826]

um, what is the attraction to this girl?

 

She cheated on you.

 

She used you as a back up when her fling went to Europe.

 

She is stringing you along for the attention...she needs more time with the therapist.

 

Don't message her on her birthday. Cut your losses and find someone who will put you first and think the world of you. Life is too short to be chasing someone like this.

 

 

Thanks for your reply

 

I suppose she would argue that she didn't cheat, although, like you, I would consider kissing a guy and ending up in his bed cheating, even if nothing more happened. I doubt this anyway.

 

I don't think she consciously used me as a backup, more just at a loss and thought of me, perhaps missed the closeness of the relationship that he hadn't provided in their short time together.

 

In terms of recent behaviour, attention and such, I think there is an element of enjoying the attention, but I also believe that she did feel guilt and was genuinely concerned at the car accident news. Who knows.

[PegNosePete]

I suppose she would argue that she didn't cheat

In what universe is that not cheating? Seriously what colour is the sky on her planet?!?!

 

If any woman did that to me I would dump her so fast her head span, and never look back.

 

Where is your self-respect my friend?? A woman cheats on you after 6 months, you dump them and do not talk to them ever again.

[Fernando2826]

In what universe is that not cheating? Seriously what colour is the sky on her planet?!?!

 

If any woman did that to me I would dump her so fast her head span, and never look back.

 

Where is your self-respect my friend?? A woman cheats on you after 6 months, you dump them and do not talk to them ever again.

 

 

I ought to, agreed. First love, I suppose. In addition, I have self-esteem issues, although I kept these relatively hidden from her during our relationship. I did, however, discuss my depression (albeit in a positive way). She did all this in knowledge of that.

[Wewon]

I ought to, agreed. First love, I suppose. In addition, I have self-esteem issues, although I kept these relatively hidden from her during our relationship. I did, however, discuss my depression (albeit in a positive way). She did all this in knowledge of that.

 

You do realize that your self-esteem issues are what's driving everything here? Or to put another way, its the reason that you haven't turned tail and run.

 

Let's not use the word "cheat" if that's going to result in an argument. She was behaving as a single person with another guy and adding to the humiliation by texting and calling in front of you.

 

Sorry, but this relationship is toxic and you may want to do some work on yourself so that you can see why you're so tolerant of some of her behavior.

[Fernando2826]

You do realize that your self-esteem issues are what's driving everything here? Or to put another way, its the reason that you haven't turned tail and run.

 

Let's not use the word "cheat" if that's going to result in an argument. She was behaving as a single person with another guy and adding to the humiliation by texting and calling in front of you.

 

Sorry, but this relationship is toxic and you may want to do some work on yourself so that you can see why you're so tolerant of some of her behavior.

 

 

Hey, thanks for your reply.

 

Yeah, I agree, my own issues have been heavily involved in my tolerating her behaviour. I don't think that I showed such insecurity during the relationship though so hope that this was not involved in her behaviour, rather my tolerating it/trying to excuse it.

 

I do agree that it was cheating, only trying to understand why she may not see it as such - behaving as a single person when involved is the definition of cheating I should imagine so can't understand her reaction.

 

I suppose what I'm trying to understand is whether this is just how 20 year old girls behave when they go to college, or whether she is a bad prospect at present and perhaps still for years to come. Some have suggested this, whilst others have disagreed.

 

I might add that she cheated on her ex of 2 years when he went away for 2 months. Told me that she didn't feel guilty as she didn't love him anymore.

[Wewon]

I suppose what I'm trying to understand is whether this is just how 20 year old girls behave when they go to college, or whether she is a bad prospect at present and perhaps still for years to come. Some have suggested this, whilst others have disagreed.

 

I might add that she cheated on her ex of 2 years when he went away for 2 months. Told me that she didn't feel guilty as she didn't love him anymore.

 

This is a classic way that low self-esteem comes out in men.

 

It happened to me as well, she does something hurtful or crappy and I tried to justify it by saying, "Well women are confusing, I better learn to deal." or some other nonsense that you will look back and regret.

 

I'd say that she seems a bit ruthless and she a master of rationalizations. I personally would cut my losses.