Calling Off My Engagement.....

[katiegrl]

Hi guys ...my first thread in dating section. Not looking for advice, this is just more of an announcement and a vent.

 

I have decided to call off my engagement.

 

History: My boyfriend and I have been together almost six years, living together for four. He has been asking me to marry him for YEARS, but I never wanted to, as my fear was once he "had" me, he would lose a bit of the excitement he felt for me.

 

He has a history of being a huge commitment-phobe, hence my fear. To be honest, I was a commitment-phobe myself, so our *space* needs matched. We both required a lot of space.

 

Lots of togetherness just wasn't our thing, but we loved (love) each other and our relationship always remained exciting and passionate, even after six years!

 

I finally agreed to marry him....I started wanting more togetherness, more closeness and was ready to make that commitment!

 

Well, since agreeing and planning our wedding in Hawaii next year, it's all changed, HE has changed. He just doesn't seem as excited about me anymore! He snaps at me for no reason, starting working more hours....our relationship just seems cold now, as opposed to prior to engagement when our relationship was always exciting and HOT.

 

So guys ....my fears were realized. Just as I had suspected they would be once I agreed to marry him and he finally *had* me. Ugh, what a disappointment..... I feel sick actually.

 

I am looking for a new place to live. In the meantime, I want to stay with my friend.

 

He was up today at 6...off to a job (he is a contractor, has his own business). But I am so hurt, so pissed off and angry (while st the same time feeling sort of numb...it's weird)...but I don't want to be here when he gets home today....

 

I don't even want to speak with him actually....I am thinking of just leaving him a note. He will probably be relieved, he's not into dramatic scenes...neither am I.

 

That's it. Thanks for listening guys...feels better for expressing this, even if just on a message board.

 

Ciao...

[losangelena]

:(:(

 

Oh girl, I'm so sorry! PM me if you wanna vent more. So sad to hear this news.

[katiegrl]

:(:(

 

Oh girl, I'm so sorry! PM me if you wanna vent more. So sad to hear this news.

 

Thanks LA ..I may take you up on that.

 

I am in tears right now so need to gather my wits..I am so scared right now to make this change, but I know I have to.

 

I cannot believe it has come to this...

 

I keep thinking,, if I had not agreed to marry him and remained this sort of *challenge* for him....none of this would be happening!

 

But HE convinced me! Then changed! Or did I change? Starting wanting more togethernrss and closeness... is that so damn unreasonable?

 

Guys suck sometimes (sorry to all the good guys who *are* able to make a commitment and feel good about it).

 

I feel deceived, even though I know none of this is intentional on his part.

 

He may have thought he was *cured* of his *phobia, " or maybe he was only into the challenge?

 

Who knows, not my problem.

 

My only concern now is taking care of me and doing what's right for me...and finding a place to live ...and what to say in my note!

Edited November 27, 2015 by katiegrl

[littlez360]

I'm sorry to hear this... You seem to understand the situation you're in though. I find it all too common, people decide to make it official, then the whole picture changes... After being together that long, it feels like all future thoughts are suddenly shattered and you're just pinned down confused.

I hope you can talk to LA if you need to.

[GemmaUK]

Sorry to hear that but it does sound like you have both changed to me.

 

You say you both had equal space needs yet now since the engagement you say you're been wanting more togetherness and closeness. Makes me wonder if you were being the real you before the engagement.

It's quite possible he has wondered where this different you has come from.

 

Perhaps you two were just not compatible in terms of relationship needs.

[smackie9]

Have you even had a discussion with him about this??? Stop "assuming" it is over. If you want to know anything about marriage I will tell you.... COMMUNICATION!!! I think you are being a little rash just dump and run like a hurt child when you just don't have any solid proof that this is how he is thinking.

 

I can't believe everyone is sympathetic over your anxiety, that should be dealt with in a mature manner. Sorry to be harsh but YOU need to put your big girl panties on and confront him, and have an adult conversation, expressing your fears and work through it. Dumping a 6 years relationship over an assumption is ridiculous.

[VeveCakes]

it almost seems like you brought it on yourself though - usually when you keep thinking something will happen that way - it does. Have you talked to him? Counselling? 6 years is a lot to throw away...is there more to the story?

[littlez360]

Have you even had a discussion with him about this??? Stop "assuming" it is over. If you want to know anything about marriage I will tell you.... COMMUNICATION!!! I think you are being a little rash just dump and run like a hurt child when you just don't have any solid proof that this is how he is thinking.

 

I can't believe everyone is sympathetic over your anxiety, that should be dealt with in a mature manner. Sorry to be harsh but YOU need to put your big girl panties on and confront him, and have an adult conversation, expressing your fears and work through it. Dumping a 6 years relationship over an assumption is ridiculous.

 

 

 

I agree, communication is key in both marriage and committed relationships. However if things have changed, things have changed. A lot of time can be spent with somebody with everything appearing perfect, then when the scenario changes it's all different...

She doesn't seem to be making assumptions, just observations, of both herself and her partner...

[katiegrl]

Sorry to hear that but it does sound like you have both changed to me.

 

You say you both had equal space needs yet now since the engagement you say you're been wanting more togetherness and closeness. Makes me wonder if you were being the real you before the engagement.

It's quite possible he has wondered where this different you has come from.

 

Perhaps you two were just not compatible in terms of relationship needs.

 

Thanks Gemma...but I was definitely being the real me ...prior to getting involved with him, I pushed a lot of guys away due to them wanting more ....broke one engagement because if it, and broke off my other previous long term relationship.

 

I lost both my parents last year, and that changed me. I also feel I am maturing and growing and tired of running from true intimacy.

 

I thought we had it, but after losing my parents, especially my dad with whom I was particularly close.... as I said I changed. I also received therapy and was able to recognize many things about myself that I had not recognize before.

 

So I have definitely evolved ....he has not.

 

We have just grown apart I guess ...glad I realized it before marriage instead of after.

[littlez360]

Smackie- You probably know more about this type of situation than I do. I was simply putting in my perspective. I'm going to stay out of this thread now.

[losangelena]

When I initially read this, I thought you meant it was already a done deal, not that you were just contemplating it.

 

Having reread, I agree with smackie that you probably do need to talk about it, even if he doesn't seem receptive. Give yourself some time and space, but DO bring up your concerns. If your hunch that he's a commitmentphobe is true, you'll definitely know at that point. To just leave with a note seems beyond. A friend of mine with through that with her fiance, and it really wrecked her.

[GemmaUK]

Or did I change? Starting wanting more togethernrss and closeness... is that so damn unreasonable?

 

I must have misinterpreted when you wrote the part quoted above.

It sounds to me like you were previously a space lover and then wanted more togetherness and closeness and you are annoyed that he didn't accept this change in you.

[katiegrl]

Have you even had a discussion with him about this??? Stop "assuming" it is over. If you want to know anything about marriage I will tell you.... COMMUNICATION!!! I think you are being a little rash just dump and run like a hurt child when you just don't have any solid proof that this is how he is thinking.

 

I can't believe everyone is sympathetic over your anxiety, that should be dealt with in a mature manner. Sorry to be harsh but YOU need to put your big girl panties on and confront him, and have an adult conversation, expressing your fears and work through it. Dumping a 6 years relationship over an assumption is ridiculous.

 

I am not *assuming* it's over smackie ...it IS over.....MY choice!

 

As I said in my original post, since engagement he has been pulling away ...not due to anything I am doing, I have been the exact same as prior to engagement.

 

He is pulling away because clearly he is feeling uncomfortable with this huge commitment we are embarking on.....it was almost immediately after.....and that is a huge red flag. And frankly not one I wish to deal with.

 

I dunno, maybe we just need some time apart....who knows.

 

All I know is that this *coldness* I am getting from him is very hurtful and detrimental to my emotional health ...so am leaving.

 

Again MY choice.

Edited November 27, 2015 by katiegrl

[katiegrl]

I must have misinterpreted when you wrote the part quoted above.

It sounds to me like you were previously a space lover and then wanted more togetherness and closeness and you are annoyed that he didn't accept this change in you.

 

Annoyed? More like hurt and sad that we're not on same page anymore...

 

LA, I need to leave a note for now ....will discuss this with him later.

[introverted1]

Sorry to hear, Katie.

 

Hope you find peace quickly.

[xxoo]

 

He is pulling away because clearly he is feeling uncomfortable with this huge commitment we are embarking on.....it was almost immediately after.....and that is a huge red flag. And frankly not one I wish to deal with.

 

Have you talked to him about this at all? Or just assumed this?

 

I mean, whatever if you want to break the engagement. But even in marriage, people and relationships go through slumps and reconnecting and communication are what make them last and get hot again.

[Popsicle]

Why does/did he want to get married?

 

People have lots of different motivations for wanting to get married, so that's why I'm asking.

[katiegrl]

Have you talked to him about this at all? Or just assumed this?

 

I mean, whatever if you want to break the engagement. But even in marriage, people and relationships go through slumps and reconnecting and communication are what make them last and get hot again.

 

No I have not talked to him, but I will.

 

Right now what's best is space...... I need it, and I KNOW he needs it.

 

He's been a real prick lately ....snapping at me, getting annoying at stupid shyt, working more hours , not communicating ....omg it is so obvious what's happening ...... and that he is panic mode ....he has ALL the symptoms.

 

And again as I said, his history is commitment phobia..... I knew that!

 

My bad for finally agreeing to marry him in the first place, but at least now I know.

 

Plus I have changed and need more now..

[katiegrl]

Why does/did he want to get married?

 

People have lots of different motivations for wanting to get married, so that's why I'm asking.

 

Because he was madly in love with me and wanted to spend his life with me.....or so he claimed as nauseum..

 

We were even talking about having a kid!

 

Apparently that was too much .....

[Popsicle]

Because he was madly in love with me and wanted to spend his life with me.....or so he claimed as nauseum..

 

We were even talking about having a kid!

 

Apparently that was too much .....

 

Bastard.

[CarrieT]

You did the right thing.

 

I keep thinking,, if I had not agreed to marry him and remained this sort of *challenge* for him....none of this would be happening!

But where would have you have been five or ten years from now? Still a *challenge?*

 

You want to marry someone that you are 100% certain of. And this just isn't it.

 

Know that you it hurts now, but will ultimately be in your best interests!

[Oregon_Dude]

Hi Katie. Hope your Thanksgiving was alright, considering.

 

Anyway, just wanted to say that you're a good egg. You provide lots of great insight on this site, and have helped me through some stuff this year. I'm sorry to hear what you are going through, but you deserve someone who is "all in" about you, not some dude who is snappy and doesn't treat you really well.

 

I know your decision is a tough one to make, but it's the right one. Be glad that YOU are the one asserting this, instead of HIM calling it off. You are taking control of your life and creating boundaries.

 

Good luck. I know it's not easy.

 

OD

[GemmaUK]

No I have not talked to him, but I will.

 

Right now what's best is space...... I need it, and I KNOW he needs it.

 

He's been a real prick lately ....snapping at me, getting annoying at stupid shyt, working more hours , not communicating ....omg it is so obvious what's happening ...... and that he is panic mode ....he has ALL the symptoms.

 

And again as I said, his history is commitment phobia..... I knew that!

 

My bad for finally agreeing to marry him in the first place, but at least now I know.

 

Plus I have changed and need more now..

 

So you have changed then.. You do know that a partner cannot and should not be expected to take up the role of supportive and close parent. Yes?

In relationships each participant has to rely upon themselves to be strong and upbeat and contribute to being 'in a team'.

'You keep you good for me, I'll keep myself good for you' basically.

 

I really honestly figured you would have at least talked to him. Communication is a huge factor in relationships for the good, bad and ugly times.

 

You seem to have made your mind up though - so good luck!

[dobielover]

I am not *assuming* it's over smackie ...it IS over.....MY choice!

 

As I said in my original post, since engagement he has been pulling away ...not due to anything I am doing, I have been the exact same as prior to engagement.

 

He is pulling away because clearly he is feeling uncomfortable with this huge commitment we are embarking on.....

 

I don't know your story or background, just reading this thread screams something is off here, with you, not him.

 

You said that before you were engaged, you BOTH liked your space, but now YOU want closeness and togetherness.

 

I think you're misinterpreting him continuing to like his space for "pulling away." No, he's just maintaining the status quo, whereas you're the one changing it. If anything, he's resisting your change. One person doesn't get to call the shots of the dynamic in a relationship, but it seems like that's what you're trying to do, and upset that you're not getting your way.

[fitnessfan365]

Katie obviously knows better than any of us what things are like between them. So if she's decided to end it, it's the right decision for her.

 

I just think the execution could be better. Leaving a note and simply disappearing after nearly six years seems REALLY harsh. It seems like he's at least entitled to be told to his face why it's over. Just my .02..