Calling Off My Engagement.....

[No_Go]

First, I'm sorry. It must be extremely tough situation to leave a person who loved and cared about for years.

 

Second, I think is for your good. From the fragmented things that I read here, I never got the impression of a healthy relationship and him as a loving partner. I remember you mentioned:

- he has a huge ego (selfish)

- you have not shared a bedroom living in a same house (emotionally distant)

- he had alcohol problems right before he met you (this things do not magically go away... May explain part of the "long hours working")

- you're thinking long and hard do you want to marry him (big insecurity)

- you expected him to change for bad after engagement (trust issue or informed guess...)

- you have a history of breaking engagements/LTR (you're not fit for commitment for some reason)

Etc etc

 

Probably you're not compatible to start with.. Or it just ran its course... Verbal abuse usually is just the tip of the iceberg... Take care and hope all goes as smooth as possible for you (and him...)

[hippychick3]

Katie, you sound very much like me and how I would react in that situation.

 

I think your leaving him is a way to get his attention. I think deep down you want him to chase you and fight for you as this is the only way for him to prove how much he still wants you and to justify putting up with his behavior. It sounds like you are in a relationship with a "chaser" type of guy (as I am as well), and this action is the only way to get clarity and either fix things or end things. Staying where you were in that situation is not going to change the dynamics. It takes something drastic like you have done to make a change.

 

I hope it turns out how you want it to turn out. No one deserves to be treated that way, and it takes a lot of courage to leave.

[Sunlight72]

You make it sound like it was a punch-up, it wasn't, it was an argument. Sure a nasty one and sometimes arguments do get nasty that's human nature to lash out in the heat of the moment. It wasn't a situation of her living under a constant barrage of disparaging statements about her worth, as real abusive relationship are. It was a temporary irritation on the part of a partner that has otherwise treated her well until this rough patch.

 

I still maintain the same position. Bailing out of the house, even for a few days, is a last resort. Running away from confrontations damages relationships in the same way that giving someone the silent treatment does. I understand conflict avoidance, I suffer from it myself. But quitting the marriage home does actually create an atmosphere of mistrust between the two. If this is what she does when they have a fairly common and [expected] trial then what perception is he going to have of how she might handle something a lot more serious? Partnerships for the longterm are built on trust. Knowing your partner heads out the door and stays at a friends house for a few days at the first sign of difficulty doesn't build a lot of trust and it also lowers the opportunity to repair the relationship as the reconciliation talk must now be scheduled rather than happen spontaneously.

 

What if he realised his mistake by the afternoon and decided to apologise and make amends by bringing home flowers or dinner and having a chat? He comes home to discover a post-it on the fridge with words to the effect of.....well when I'm ready you can talk to me. It actually compounds whatever disagreement they have because he's been thwarted in his efforts and he's not going to repeat the same gesture just because she's rescheduled. He's also now going to bring another grievance to the table on top of the existing one. Such as why she feels the need to hide out in a friends house, and make their relationship issues a matter of public knowledge amoung friends he's going to face at every important event.

 

Again, if she was in any real danger I would advocate leave. But so far, I see nothing more than the usual stress and arguments that occur in all relationships. I believe her when she says he was verbally abusive, but jesus everyone is when they're in a corner. There has to be a threshold of tolerance otherwise this relationship will be on a hair trigger, with her overnight bag basically packed 24/7. My impression from the OP was that this was nothing more than.....oh jeez my boyfriend doesn't pay enough attention to me. It certainly did not have any real elements of urgency of dire problem about it. That was something that only came out further in the piece. If it wasn't important enough to include in the opening post then it wasn't really that big.

 

And my response really came from the attitude she revealed that yes, she suspected that he would stop paying attention to her once she agreed to marry him. In all honesty it really sounded like a play for attention than anything else. That kind of drama kills relationship very quickly.

I get what you're saying Buddhist, but I also think Katiegirl's fiancé is going to need to learn when to take a breath when he's upset, and how to communicate he's stressed in a way that works for Katiegirl.

 

I like the sentiment that marriage is not 50/50, it's 100/100, but it still has to be built to work with the two (both) people involved. It sounds like Katiegirl is doing her best at the moment. Maybe not the 'best' as a guide for everyone, written in an instruction book, but she is the one in this relationship, and she and her fiancé need to both find their 'best' way forward.

[hotpotato]

I hate to point out the obvious, but a lot of people become short and irritated when they are on the verge of a major life change and/or major purchase.

 

Also, I hate to point out the obvious that maybe he was working extra hours to pay for an expensive Hawaii marriage.

 

Also, let's not forget it was katie that came and changed the dynamics of the relationship. Not just the closeness, but the marital status. I think if people live together for years and year, they should be prepared to keep that arrangement. There's a good chance at least one person is satisfied with this arrangement after being in it for so long. This is a variation of "We lived together for 5,10 years, but for sooome reason he wont' marry me." Cohabitation is not necessarily a stepping stone to marriage.

 

Then you want to leave a note for him while he's at work, probably trying to make extra $$$ for the wedding.

 

Who's pushing who away here exactly?

 

He shouldn't call you names. However, some of this drama is from Katie...

[hotpotato]

Oh good lord, Qboro, the way he spoke to me, it was more .... much MUCH more than him *raising his voice to me.*

 

Please read my posts again, I am so tired of having to repeat myself. What I said was, before engagement, he never even raised his voice to me. Only to point out the contrast between then and now, and how much his behavior has changed!

 

And why are some of you faulting me for needing to take some space? Frankly, I am shocked by that.

 

I will not tell you the words he's used, but the man has said some very cruel things to me, degrading things that would be considered by most to be verbally abusive! Not once, but many times since we got engaged. I told him each time it was unacceptable, but it continued and it's getting worse.

 

Plus, he has not been communicating with me, shutting me out, does not wish to have sex with me...WTF!

 

But I am the one with *commitment* issues? The immature one? Give me a fu*ckin break, please.

 

To those who have remained neutral, and been supportive, thank you!

 

But I am tired of being criticized by some posters who have not read all my posts or who don't understand them....and who insist on re-writing history.

 

He does not know I had planned to call off the wedding. Qboro, I have no idea what hat you plucked that from.

 

I am a big girl and I know what I am doing. I know what to say and will say it Sunday evening when we talk. I have no idea what will happen except for if he doesn't start treating me with love and RESPECT again, I am gone.

 

Nuff said....thanks again to all who have offered support. You rock!

 

Then maybe he is stressed. Maybe having a much cheaper wedding would help. Cousin had a wedding at a Florida Country club. It was lovely. It most likely didn't cost as much as a used Lamborghini. I can only imagine how exorbitant a Hawaii venue must be.

[William]

The threadstarter requested that moderation close this thread and we approved their request and additionally moved it to our getting married forum as that most accurately reflected the original content of the topic. Thank you for your participation.

[katiegrl]

Hey guys...my original thread is in the Transitioning Getting Married section but I am not able to access that section.... but wanted to give y'all a quick update (for anyone who is interested).

 

But first to clear some things up that may have been misinterpreted by some of you.... it was all in the thread but apparently missed by some.

 

I did not leave a "goodbye" note... just a nice note telling him I needed some space for a couple of days, where I was, hoped he had a good day and that I loved him.

 

He was OKAY with my doing that...in fact he understood it completely as there has been quite a bit of tension between us....so my spending some time away was actually a GOOD thing.

 

Second, I was not the one to change the dynamic of the relationship (as hotgirl alluded to)....HE had been asking me to marry him for years, he was the one to initiate discussions re having a baby and HE was the one who wanted the Hawaii wedding.

 

I was perfectly happy living with him (we were both fully committed after all -- I do not need that proverbial piece of paper)....but once we agreed to get married... I would have been perfectly happy eloping!

 

Re his "verbal abuse." I am a very private person (that was my first thread re my relationship)...and did not see the necessity of announcing what it was he said to me.... that was between the two of us and will remain that way.

 

And just because I didn't share his actual words and waited until my 15th post to disclose it (actually in my very first post I said he had been snapping at me).. does NOT mean it did not happen.

 

Okay now that I got all that off my chest.... here's my quick update.

 

We spoke Saturday night and after quite a bit of cajoling on my part, I got him to finally tell me why he's been behaving so erratically.

 

As it turns out...he has been doing meth and coke again....and has been for months, ever since he was back east over the summer taking care of his sick mom, who eventually passed.

 

He had a bit of a problem with it before we met....but in six years, other than a few beers occasionally... nothing in six years!

 

I ended up going back home Sunday evening...and told him if he does NOT get his ass into rehab, we are done. Which he has agree do to.... and the wedding/marriage is on hold indefinitely. I will decide what to do after that....once he completes his treatment. But I plan to stick by him through this....for better or worse.

 

I wasn't going to post this...but have been receiving quite a few PM's asking me about it....and don't have time to respond to everyone....so thought it best to send this update.

 

Ciao....

Edited December 1, 2015 by katiegrl

[Oregon_Dude]

As it turns out...he has been doing meth and coke again....and has been for months, ever since he was back east over the summer taking care of his sick mom, who eventually passed.

Jeez, Katie. This is not good. I am sure he is doing it to cope with his mom's death, but it's the last thing you need to deal with in a relationship.

 

It sounds like he has a lot of self-work to do that must be done without you. If I were you I would begin to emotionally detach and realize this dude is not 100% for you right now, and may never be.

 

You want a r/s with a mature, put-together adult man who is sober and can communicate. He's not that right now.

 

Good luck and thanks for the update.

[StBreton]

Hey Katiegrl ... Hesitated to PM you and just give you a rest ...been thinking about you and hoping all is ok.

 

While things are up in the air for you, I'm glad for you that things are out in the open. Your fiancé was triggered by events in his life. Not unusual for a stressful event to cause reversal of a strong constitution. I suspected some sort of trigger as you are way too on top of healthy relationship dynamics to allow for someone to mistreat you. Sounds like you guys are good at being supportive of one another and you'll get through this. I'm optimistic. Hugs

[smackie9]

I dumped my ex of 5 years for his coke habit and the fact I found out he was selling it too. Never regretted walking away. Coming from a family of alcoholics and drug abuse.....it affects you for a lifetime. A trip to rehab is not 100% recovery. Be careful how you choose your path.

[Empyrea]

Thank you for the update, katie! Once you get invested in a story, you really want to hear how things are going..

 

I'm glad you were able to have a honest discussion and I hope you stick it out together.. but ultimately, take care of yourself first. Best of luck!

[Gaeta]

When you spend a beautiful 6 years together you don't throw the towel at the first bad wave hitting you. That's what 'being committed' means.

 

He can kick this off, he has a life and you to go back to!!

 

You're smart and intuitive, you will know how much to give of you without risking your own sanity. You know your limits better than anyone else and more importantly you know how to set boundaries.

 

My thoughts and supports are with you!

[Oregon_Dude]

I don't believe that a person has the capacity to overcome a serious addiction AND fulfill a healthy relationship simultaneously.

 

He needs to deal with the former entirely before he can even address the latter.

 

My gut is that you two need to part ways while he does this. Come back together once the addiction has been tackled. Could be years, but if it's meant to be, it'll work out.

[Leigh 87]

Hey guys...my original thread is in the Transitioning Getting Married section but I am not able to access that section.... but wanted to give y'all a quick update (for anyone who is interested).

 

But first to clear some things up that may have been misinterpreted by some of you.... it was all in the thread but apparently missed by some.

 

I did not leave a "goodbye" note... just a nice note telling him I needed some space for a couple of days, where I was, hoped he had a good day and that I loved him.

 

He was OKAY with my doing that...in fact he understood it completely as there has been quite a bit of tension between us....so my spending some time away was actually a GOOD thing.

 

Second, I was not the one to change the dynamic of the relationship (as hotgirl alluded to)....HE had been asking me to marry him for years, he was the one to initiate discussions re having a baby and HE was the one who wanted the Hawaii wedding.

 

I was perfectly happy living with him (we were both fully committed after all -- I do not need that proverbial piece of paper)....but once we agreed to get married... I would have been perfectly happy eloping!

 

Re his "verbal abuse." I am a very private person (that was my first thread re my relationship)...and did not see the necessity of announcing what it was he said to me.... that was between the two of us and will remain that way.

 

And just because I didn't share his actual words and waited until my 15th post to disclose it (actually in my very first post I said he had been snapping at me).. does NOT mean it did not happen.

 

Okay now that I got all that off my chest.... here's my quick update.

 

We spoke Saturday night and after quite a bit of cajoling on my part, I got him to finally tell me why he's been behaving so erratically.

 

As it turns out...he has been doing meth and coke again....and has been for months, ever since he was back east over the summer taking care of his sick mom, who eventually passed.

 

He had a bit of a problem with it before we met....but in six years, other than a few beers occasionally... nothing in six years!

 

I ended up going back home Sunday evening...and told him if he does NOT get his ass into rehab, we are done. Which he has agree do to.... and the wedding/marriage is on hold indefinitely. I will decide what to do after that....once he completes his treatment. But I plan to stick by him through this....for better or worse.

 

I wasn't going to post this...but have been receiving quite a few PM's asking me about it....and don't have time to respond to everyone....so thought it best to send this update.

 

Ciao....

 

I am so sorry.

 

My boyfriend is a former addict of meth and amphetamines.

 

Himrelapsing scares the crap out of me.

 

This musf be your worst nightmare. But remember, he went years without drugs or even drinking heavily. So it's looking REALLY GOOD insofar as his odds for quitting again. .....

 

I wish you luck......I had a feeling it was something other than him having cold feet. I felt the love was there......and that you would resolve it. Hence why I failed to respond to your last thread. .....

 

Sorry you have to watch the one you love going through such an unhealthy addiction.

 

This is my worst fear.......... so I am sendingextra good thoughts your way......

[Leigh 87]

Jeez, Katie. This is not good. I am sure he is doing it to cope with his mom's death, but it's the last thing you need to deal with in a relationship.

 

It sounds like he has a lot of self-work to do that must be done without you. If I were you I would begin to emotionally detach and realize this dude is not 100% for you right now, and may never be.

 

You want a r/s with a mature, put-together adult man who is sober and can communicate. He's not that right now.

 

Good luck and thanks for the update.

 

I don't think it's right to just leave someone when the going gets tough.

 

He is in grave danger due to an addiction. He needs her love and support through this tough time.

 

You don't just walk away and go no contact the first time your partner of 6 years faces a serious obstacle.

 

It's a different story if he fails to quit. But he deserves a chance before she just ends things. .....

 

Crikey, I woulf NEVER turn my back on my boyfriend if he were to start using again; I'd stay with him and work hard to support him providing he was willing to get help......

[hippychick3]

I don't think it's right to just leave someone when the going gets tough.

 

He is in grave danger due to an addiction. He needs her love and support through this tough time.

 

You don't just walk away and go no contact the first time your partner of 6 years faces a serious obstacle.

 

It's a different story if he fails to quit. But he deserves a chance before she just ends things. .....

 

Crikey, I woulf NEVER turn my back on my boyfriend if he were to start using again; I'd stay with him and work hard to support him providing he was willing to get help......

 

I agree. As long as he is committed to getting help and actually follows through with treatment, I think offering support after being together for 6 years is the decent thing to do.

[William]

Folks, we had two reports of a duplicate thread going and I took a look and found references to this closed thread and, per policy, merged the threads. The thread starter was made aware of policy when originally requesting the thread be closed and it will remain closed until a request per policy is received and acted upon. Thanks for your participation!