Calling Off My Engagement.....

[GemmaUK]

Yes I did call him a prick ...and if you heard how HE spoke to me yesterday and day before, you would too!

 

I won't get into that .....only to reiterate what I said in my previous post.....that his snapping at me was beginning to sound abusive ....and since i have zero tolerance for that shyt ....I'm outta there.

 

And it wasn't the first time he spoke to me that way either!

 

He has had a few episodes of, dare I say, *verbal abuse* since getting engaged.

 

Prior to engagement, he never even raised his voice to me!

 

OK, going by your posts this is only really recent - like the past 2-3 weeks.

You were mega happy and loved up very recently.

Are you sure he isn't stressed out with work, the impending marriage plans and your need to be closer?

[GemmaUK]

Yes I did call him a prick ...and if you heard how HE spoke to me yesterday and day before, you would too!

 

Actually, no I would likely not as I don't name call - not to anyone.

It's verbal abuse.

[Shining One]

What exactly are you suggesting?

 

That the planning of the *wedding* is stressing him out?

Yes, as well as preparing for the financial aspect. My coworker's Hawaiian wedding ending up costing north of $80K.

Did your friend have a history of commitment issues prior to meeting his girlfriend?

 

What happened.....did they get married?

I don't know about his past. He was already dating her when we started working together. They are now married with two children. He was in much better shape after the wedding.

[katiegrl]

Yes, I already had. I was simply agreeing with that.

 

I suppose I'm surprised that you haven't asked him why he is so off, if you feel this was a more recent change.

 

I'm curious if something specific happened, the straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak?

But yes, if you feeling he's being verbally abusive and you're unhappy in general, you're better off ending the relationship.

 

Oh I have asked .....just says he is stressed with work... you know the usual excuse.

[M-Theory]

When I initially read this, I thought you meant it was already a done deal, not that you were just contemplating it.

 

Having reread, I agree with smackie that you probably do need to talk about it, even if he doesn't seem receptive.

 

I really wouldnt want to be with someone that wasnt receptive. I notice this about many women. A lot of them seem to complain at one point or another about their man "not wanting to talk" about this problem or that problem.

 

 

Scared of marrying a man who fears true intimacy, closeness and *togetherness*.

 

Which he does!

 

How long did you continue to stay after you realized this about him?

[katiegrl]

OK, going by your posts this is only really recent - like the past 2-3 weeks.

You were mega happy and loved up very recently.

Are you sure he isn't stressed out with work, the impending marriage plans and your need to be closer?

 

Gemma why do you keep saying "my need to be closer"? He has no idea I need to be closer.

 

I do plan on telling him though....."when" we talk.

 

Again, I was very very happy ....already explained.

 

This week was the straw that broke the camel's back so to speak.

 

Yes I realize he is stressed, but you don't speak to someone you love the way he spoke to me....you just don't.....not in my world anyway....

 

Thanks all for your responses....gotta go pack....my friend is picking me up in a few.

[M-Theory]

Oh I have asked .....just says he is stressed with work... you know the usual excuse.

 

Too many guys use excuses like that to hide the fact that they lack the ability to open up and communicate.

[katiegrl]

Actually, no I would likely not as I don't name call - not to anyone.

It's verbal abuse.

 

Well I am venting here.....apologize if that offends you.

 

No I don't verbally abuse HIM...never would.

 

Even after HE did with me, I remained calm and respectful...

 

Of course I told him it was unacceptable...but I did not attack him back.

[Radu]

 

That's it. Thanks for listening guys...feels better for expressing this, even if just on a message board.

 

Ciao...

 

Thanks for using us as your emotional tampon.

 

In the hope that you will return, i have this question ... do you think you did something wrong in this whole mess and if so what ?

[Gaeta]

 

Thanks all for your responses....gotta go pack....my friend is picking me up in a few.

 

Katie, your desire to make a grand exist is just you wanting to show him how much he hurt you. You know that. You need to calm down before you make any rushed decision like ending the relationship. Some things can not be glued back together once they're broken.

 

Go to your friend to cool down. Don't leave any note that it's over just say you're taking some time off from him and you'll talk when you're calm down.

[losangelena]

Katie, your desire to make a grand exist is just you wanting to show him how much he hurt you. You know that. You need to calm down before you make any rushed decision like ending the relationship. Some things can not be glued back together once they're broken.

 

Go to your friend to cool down. Don't leave any note that it's over just say you're taking some time off from him and you'll talk when you're calm down.

 

I think that's what she's planning on doing.

[katiegrl]

I really wouldnt want to be with someone that wasnt receptive. I notice this about many women. A lot of them seem to complain at one point or another about their man "not wanting to talk" about this problem or that problem.

 

 

 

**How long did you continue to stay after you realized this about him?

 

**I fully realized it, with absolute certainty, this week......

 

There have been signs leading up to...but not *fully* realized till this week.

[Radu]

Out of curiosity, how long did this engagement last ?

Did it start before or after your parents died ?

[GemmaUK]

Gemma why do you keep saying "my need to be closer"? He has no idea I need to be closer.

 

Because it is usually incredibly apparent to the person on the other side that you are on.

 

You don't seem to know this yet you say he was needy to begin with so I don't understand how you can't understand it?

Plus you have said yourself in this thread you want 'more togetherness and closeness' your words in your second post Katie, not my words.

 

I'm confused.

What do you actually want?

Space? Closeness and togetherness? This guy? The ability to work on a long relationship? Drama? To see if he will fight for you if you leave and leave a note because he is working lots of hours and is stressed and senses also that you want more from him plus a marriage, the funding of said marriage and a child too?

 

Can you see any reason he might feel pressured here? Because goodness me I can!

[maysj18]

I'm going to get yelled at for this, but I just gotta say it.

 

This reaction reminds me of something my mom would do.

 

I love that woman, don't get me wrong, but when it comes to her relationships she is so unbelievably overdramatic. Her reacting so quickly and severely causes her partners to not feel they can come to her with problems.

 

The few times I've actually gotten out of her what it was made that made her mad, it's usually SO insignificant that I just sit there because I can't even comprehend why it was anger provoking in the first place.

 

Granted, I don't know you at all or this man, but moving out BEFORE having a deep conversation about the problem seems very immature. Even if things become smoothed over, you can't move out during times of tension when you're married. That's manipulative behavior through and through.

 

Don't get me wrong, there are always appropriate times to leave. Everything you've said is a bit vague, so I'm just throwing out worst case possibility.

 

Hope you all figure it out!

[katiegrl]

Thanks for using us as your emotional tampon.

 

In the hope that you will return, i have this question ... do you think you did something wrong in this whole mess and if so what ?

 

You are very welcome! :)

 

That's what message boards are for ....are they not? To safely vent frustrations, hurts and confusion....if you want to call that using this board as an *emotional tampon* so be it.

 

I am sure the hundreds and hundreds of posters who vent on here everyday would appreciate hearing that .....

 

Of course I have made mistakes, never once suggested I have not.

 

I am no angel either ....lol, but I treat those I love with respect, and when I make a commitment, I don't switch who I am....I remain consistent and am honest.

 

Gaeta, leaving a note telling him we need space but will talk in a couple of days...

[katiegrl]

Because it is usually incredibly apparent to the person on the other side that you are on.

 

You don't seem to know this yet you say he was needy to begin with so I don't understand how you can't understand it?

Plus you have said yourself in this thread you want 'more togetherness and closeness' your words in your second post Katie, not my words.

 

I'm confused.

What do you actually want?

Space? Closeness and togetherness? This guy? The ability to work on a long relationship? Drama? To see if he will fight for you if you leave and leave a note because he is working lots of hours and is stressed and senses also that you want more from him plus a marriage, the funding of said marriage and a child too?

 

Can you see any reason he might feel pressured here? Because goodness me I can!

 

Gemma all very good points thank you....that is why I am taking space for a bit..

 

Right now I am not thinking clearly....I feel very emotional (overly so) and reactionary.

 

Talking now would not be good, plus I am angry the way he spoke to me.

 

After I calm down, we will talk. I will communicate everything I am feeling, and will be open to him doing the same.

 

Perhaps we can work this out.

 

Yes I admit I am behaving quite impulsively in saying engagement is off, without talking.

 

That's not fair, thanks again guys, you are right about that.

[Oregon_Dude]

Perhaps we can work this out.

 

Yes I admit I am behaving quite impulsively in saying engagement is off, without talking.

 

That's not fair, thanks again guys, you are right about that.

I guess I'm wondering... what would you have done if you had not made this thread and gotten helpful responses, imploring you to be rational?

 

This makes me concerned about the impulsiveness of women everywhere.

[Under The Radar]

Katie,

 

I have always thought you were one of the most insightful and selfless individuals posting on this forum ...... I am sorry that your relationship appears to be at an end ...... especially after 6 years and during the holiday season. I have always believed, from reading your posts, that you are quite self aware and observant. As a result, I think whatever decision you make will be the right one.

[lana-banana]

I guess I'm wondering... what would you have done if you had not made this thread and gotten helpful responses, imploring you to be rational?

 

This makes me concerned about the impulsiveness of women everywhere.

 

So you use the behavior of exactly one person in one unique situation and extrapolate it into a general fear of "women everywhere"? I could say that that makes me worry about the judgment of men everywhere, but because I'm a rational adult, I'm comfortable concluding the only one with a problem is you.

[losangelena]

I guess I'm wondering... what would you have done if you had not made this thread and gotten helpful responses, imploring you to be rational?

 

This makes me concerned about the impulsiveness of women everywhere.

 

What were you saying about "projecting" earlier?

[Oregon_Dude]

I'm comfortable concluding the only one with a problem is you.

Oh I've got problems. I'm far from the only one.

[lana-banana]

Katie,

 

Focus on taking care of yourself right now. Take deep breaths. Draw yourself a bubble bath with your favorite scents. Eat something healthy but satisfying. Write out your feelings in journals, on scrap paper, even the back of a grocery receipt---just write. Get it all out. Watch something silly on TV.

 

Once you're feeling a little better you should start thinking of longer-term plans, like having a tough conversation with your man and making an appointment for couples' counseling. Phone calls to your loved ones may be in order too.

 

Regardless of what you decide, there is a lot on the road ahead. I have no doubt you will make the best choice for you. But first you have to be in the right frame of mind, and the best way to get there is to be kind to yourself.

 

Much love and encouragement. You got this, girl.

[katiegrl]

Katie,

 

Focus on taking care of yourself right now. Take deep breaths. Draw yourself a bubble bath with your favorite scents. Eat something healthy but satisfying. Write out your feelings in journals, on scrap paper, even the back of a grocery receipt---just write. Get it all out. Watch something silly on TV.

 

Once you're feeling a little better you should start thinking of longer-term plans, like having a tough conversation with your man and making an appointment for couples' counseling. Phone calls to your loved ones may be in order too.

 

Regardless of what you decide, there is a lot on the road ahead. I have no doubt you will make the best choice for you. But first you have to be in the right frame of mind, and the best way to get there is to be kind to yourself.

 

Much love and encouragement. You got this, girl.

 

lana...I had logged off ...but felt compelled to log back on *just* to give you a big shout out saying thank you!

 

For "getting" it ...for understanding exactly how I feel.

 

And yes, what you suggest is also exactly what I am planning to do!

 

I will let y'all know how this turns out.

 

Appreciate all the support... :)

[Sunlight72]

Katie, I'm sorry not to know you better before mentioning this. I'm sure from what you've written that your life is in a blender today, and I'm sorry for that too.

. . . . .

A friend of mine lost her parents in a train accident the day before Christmas - it took her several years to figure out that every year starting a couple weeks before Christmas she started seeing friends/relatives/boyfriends as being against her.

 

Each year she had a rough go around the holidays (without her parents), prodded people for a few weeks, and then jettisoned one or more people from her life because of 'how they treated her'.

 

I don't suggest this is your scenario Katie, I am just saying this is a coping mechanism my friend developed without realizing it.

 

Best Wishes, and I'm glad you have a friend's place to go to,

Sunlight