Calling Off My Engagement.....

[GemmaUK]

lana...I had logged off ...but felt compelled to log back on *just* to give you a big shout out saying thank you!

 

For "getting" it ...for understanding exactly how I feel.

 

And yes, what you suggest is also exactly what I am planning to do!

 

I will let y'all know how this turns out.

 

Appreciate all the support... :)

 

So in the end the best advice we could have given you is that which you give out a lot Katie - seek therapy.

[katiegrl]

Gemma, I still am in therapy from since after my parents died.

 

Not as often though but I think I will increase my visits. If my fiance is open to coming with me, that would be awesome.

 

Thinking about this further, most of what I am feeling stems from my feeling HE does not wish to be with me anymore.....hence him snapping at me, working longer hours ,etc.

 

I am taking it very personally, instead of recognizing he may be feeling very stressed about all the changes happening.... wedding, marriage, his new business, a child?

 

HE also brought up having a child by the way, not me....AND the wedding in Hawaii.

 

It's like HE goes overboard with his feelings (just as he did when we first met)....then freaks.

 

I do feel a bit better though....my note was nice.

 

"Needing some space, so going to stay with Anne a few days....hope you had a good day... will call you later....I love you -- kat"

 

He'll get it ...there has been too much tension in our house as of late....

 

Will keep y'all updated. ..

Edited November 27, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Response to deleted post redacted ~6

[dreamingoftigers]

I guess I'm wondering... what would you have done if you had not made this thread and gotten helpful responses, imploring you to be rational?

 

This makes me concerned about the impulsiveness of women everywhere.

 

This thread isn't about "women everywhere."

 

I've been with my husband 11 years and stayed through many things I shouldn't have stayed for.

 

We are working things out and still love each other.

 

My story isn't about "women everywhere."

 

A greater correlation with relationship success is about how the gray matter in between your ears, and the gray matter between your partner's ears, works. Not what genitals they were born with.

 

Don't want an impulsive partner? Don't stay with one. Find out what attracts solid partners and work on that.

[dreamingoftigers]

Katie, I'm sorry not to know you better before mentioning this. I'm sure from what you've written that your life is in a blender today, and I'm sorry for that too.

. . . . .

A friend of mine lost her parents in a train accident the day before Christmas - it took her several years to figure out that every year starting a couple weeks before Christmas she started seeing friends/relatives/boyfriends as being against her.

 

Each year she had a rough go around the holidays (without her parents), prodded people for a few weeks, and then jettisoned one or more people from her life because of 'how they treated her'.

 

I don't suggest this is your scenario Katie, I am just saying this is a coping mechanism my friend developed without realizing it.

 

Best Wishes, and I'm glad you have a friend's place to go to,

Sunlight

 

I've noticed similar patterns after loved ones have died.

 

Almost a sense of "I have to get these people out of my life because I care about them and if I lose them it will really hurt."

 

There's also a strong correlation with family tragedy and affairs. Something escapist about it & something about a fear of one's own mortality.

[katiegrl]

I've noticed similar patterns after loved ones have died.

 

Almost a sense of "I have to get these people out of my life because I care about them and if I lose them it will really hurt."

 

 

Wow......that is profound.

 

Not that far off either....lately feeling particularly sad about my dad, miss him terribly.

 

When I felt fiance pulling away, especially this week, my fear was he was gonna leave me too....I need to get over that if this is gonna work! Or a relationship with anyone is gonna work.

 

Hell who needs therapy when we have LoveShack! Lol

[joseb]

Hi Katie,

I was shocked and sad to read this thread, though it's sounding a tad more positive now.

I can't add much more. Sounds like you are taking good advice from Gaeta, Lana and others on board.

The note sounds right.

Deep breaths!

 

Big hugs.

[Zippy2000]

Feel bad at whats happening and sorry to hear what your going through.

 

I suppose people grow apart over time. People change all the time and I guess you arent the person you were when you first met him and vice versa.

 

I read you were angry over something that was said the other day and that you are reacting to this.

 

Can we all sleep on this and gather our thoughts the next day and see how we feel?

 

What ever decision you make Im sure it will be the right one Katiegirl.

 

My thoughts are with you.

[dobielover]

Wow......that is profound.

 

Not that far off either....lately feeling particularly sad about my dad, miss him terribly.

 

When I felt fiance pulling away, especially this week, my fear was he was gonna leave me too....I need to get over that if this is gonna work! Or a relationship with anyone is gonna work.

 

Hell who needs therapy when we have LoveShack! Lol

 

Understandable that you're operating based on a fear of loss. You can't live that way, or maintain a relationship that way.

[StBreton]

Katie, your desire to make a grand exist is just you wanting to show him how much he hurt you. You know that. You need to calm down before you make any rushed decision like ending the relationship. Some things can not be glued back together once they're broken.

 

Go to your friend to cool down. Don't leave any note that it's over just say you're taking some time off from him and you'll talk when you're calm down.

 

 

I totally agree with Gaeta on this one Katiegrl.

 

You're one of my favorite people on here Katie (I don't keep that one close to my vest:) I was shocked and had to do a double take on the thread and see your name as the originator. I'm really sorry you're going through this right now. Please consider doing what Gaeta suggests (another fave poster on here).

 

I know your upset and rightfully so. This should be the happiest time of your life and not have someone rain on your parade as your fiance is doing. I know you know your guy best but maybe the whole wedding is stressing him out along with the closeness issues.

 

Maybe you guys could do some counseling or couples retreat. That your fiance chose you means he loves you dearly. Can you help him work through this as you have so eloquently and wisely helped so many on this forum?

 

I also want to extend PMing me as I feel close to you and care for you as a friend. Big hugs girl. I'll be thinking of you.

[dreamingoftigers]

Wow......that is profound.

 

Not that far off either....lately feeling particularly sad about my dad, miss him terribly.

 

When I felt fiance pulling away, especially this week, my fear was he was gonna leave me too....I need to get over that if this is gonna work! Or a relationship with anyone is gonna work.

 

Hell who needs therapy when we have LoveShack! Lol

 

Everyone on Loveshack LOL.

 

Those cut and run triggers can be VERY STRONG.

 

My husband lost his mother (biological, did not know his biological father) the year before he met me. His mother was 41 when she died. They had a very complicated relationship because her mother (his grandmother) raised him. His biological mother struggled off and on with substance abuse and relationships pretty much until she died of cancer. Her life was particularly tragic. She was in and out of his life too. She would come to her mother's to try to sober up and they'd fight and she would be gone again. Her mother is HIGHLY passive --aggressive and is like a self-esteem wrecking ball.

 

Really traumatic environment for my husband to be raised in. It also role-modelled the "run when things are tough and you can't cope" skill.

 

He struggled for years with identifying the fear and helplessness that he saw his mother endure, that he endured and eventually losing her without her truly ever finding peace and happiness.

 

Attachments get extremely complicated when there's trauma and when there's death.

 

Often IME I've found that attachment issues often stem from fear (or entitlement, but I don't think that applies here).

 

Its entirely posssible that this isn't the relationship for your. But in this instance I see a lot of "run first and think of all of the reasons why later."

 

If your safety is at risk due to abuse, that's a whole other thing.

[dobielover]

^^^I can relate to a lot of that. I'm essentially an orphan, and in the immediate years after the last loss, had a lot of "cut bait and run" moments. I even up and physically moved to get away from guys who I abandoned before they could hurt me. Yikes.

[StBreton]

Katie, could it be that with nonverbalized emotional changes in yourself of the need for more closeness, that even though you haven't verbalized these new needs that you actually unintentionally exhibit behaviors that are subtle but someone with whom you are very close (your fiance) picks up on these subtle behavior changes and can't make sense of them? People pick up on very subtle clues. My kids and pets pick up on the slightest of changes when I'm feeling down and I'm not even aware that I am putting vibes out there or made any behavioral changes and they get anxious. Kids ask me if everything is alright. Pets cuddle closer to my face. It's strange how they know.

 

I do understand your deep felt sense of fairness and relational fair play do not allow for your partner to "be actin a fool" so to speak. It sounds like he's been doing that. Please give him the benefit of the doubt and figure out what's going on. See if you can help him grow.

Edited November 28, 2015 by StBreton

[Qboro90]

I'm sorry to hear about your current situation and your decision to call off the engagement. I'm sure the reasons you have had been building for a while and something you could no longer confidently say you wanted to spend your lifetime with him dealing with.

 

Admittedly I have not read all the replies you've gotten but have read your replies so if I miss anything I'll try to get through everything at some point.

 

That being said, and I know you've said you plan on doing it. But voicing your concerns, feelings, state of mind to your BF in person is absolutely essential to do.

 

Just to play devils advocate, you stated that your BF had made multiple previous efforts to get you to marry him which you turned down over your time together. So "commitment phobe" might not be the issue he is having the most trouble with if he's consistently asked to spend his life with you. Wondering why you all of a sudden changed your mind might have made him feel just like you are feeling. The feeling that now he's got something major to lose and subconsciously is letting that fear manifest itself in ways that are counter productive. I.e. Snapping at you or working more. Maybe he feels he needs to work more in order to establish a stable financial future for the two of you? Maybe he doesn't feel confident that he can be a provider and give you the life he feels you deserve? Maybe he is foreseeing future expenses such as weddings, honeymoon, real estate, mortgage, etc that he doesn't feel prepared for and is stressing him out? Even if you have a stable job and income, as a guy I can tell

You that we feel it falls on us to be able to support the marriage.

 

While I don't know what you and him have discussed since the engagement or how you each deal with your concerns about the relationship. You can be sure that if you did end up getting married, you would each need to be open and transparent about things that you are unhappy with, worried about, or not satisfied with in order to have a lasting marriage.

 

The reaction to end the engagement, and leave a note, then confront him at a later date seems counterproductive to ever reconciling. It's one thing if you realized you don't love him the way you want to love your future husband, or that a future with him isn't making you as excited as you want to feel... But I caution you on ending the engagement and not discussing it with him this way for the reasons being "I know what kind of person he is, or he wouldn't want a big blowout/dramatic discussion about it" etc

 

He is entitled to being given your reasons and his chance to address them. He might have no idea that you've been feeling this way or that your concerns about his actions once he "had you" and you accepted his proposal were so serious. Had you ever voiced that you had severe concerns about his actions and treatment towards you following the engagement? Or was he blind to knowing that the reason you had put it off for so long was because of your fears post acceptance?

 

Had he been aware that he needed to express his excitement about you and your future and that he needed to make added effort to be close to you after you said yes, he might have gone about things differently. Not saying that you aren't in the right for wanting certain things. Just trying to express that sometimes I've been with women who may be subconsciously "testing" me or looking for certain things out of me and the relationship, yet me/the guy in this instance is totally unaware and blind to this knowledge therefore we don't have a fair shot at alleviating your concerns or Doing everything we can in order to make you feel better about things.

 

Just another way to look at it. If it doesn't apply then no need to address. However if you do think there's a chance to reconcile then there will need to be a calmly expressed face to face airing of your emotions and feelings.

 

If you know that it's over and there's no chance, then proceed as you see fit.

 

Best of luck

[dreamingoftigers]

Katie, could it be that with nonverbalized emotional changes in yourself of the need for more closeness, that even though you haven't verbalized these new needs that you actually unintentionally exhibit behaviors that are subtle but someone with whom you are very close (your fiance) picks up on these subtle behavior changes and can't make sense of them? People pick up on very subtle clues. My kids and pets pick up on the slightest of changes when I'm feeling down and I'm not even aware that I am putting vibes out there or made any behavioral changes and they get anxious. Kids ask me if everything is alright. Pets cuddle closer to my face. It's strange how they know.

 

I do understand your deep felt sense of fairness and relational fair play do not allow for your partner to "be actin a fool" so to speak. It sounds like he's been doing that. Please give him the benefit of the doubt and figure out what's going on. See if you can help him grow.

 

I am pregnant right now. I find it to be particularly hard for my body to make babies. Last pregnancy I got morning sickness until month FIVE, and this pregnancy seems about the same (maybe a little worse).

 

This pregnancy was caught very early, at about three weeks. Why? Because one night my husband made avtuna casserole and I got up in the middle of the night and threw up. After that night I started getting a little weepy and pissed off with my husband. Not super-much but enough that it made me a little edgy.

 

Who noticed? Not me. My husband asked me to take a pregnancy test. I thought, "enh, maybe, yeah right. Maybe you just made a crappy casserole." (He has a good sense of humor, I swear). So he said, "just take the damn test." So he was RIGHT. I try not to let that happen more than once a year. (Kidding).

 

But the thing is I thought he was just bugging me a little more than usual and he noticed a few things that were a little more "off" than usual.

 

To be completely honest, I've noticed my hormones in full-swing are really difficult to deal with. I'm sick everyday. I've cried through the WHOLE MOVIE of Frozen with my daughter TWICE. I cried when Olaf started melting. I virtually never cry at ANYTHING (especially movies. Jeez. I honestly can't relate to that stuff when I'm not pregnant.) I also can't take my ADD medication while I'm pregnant.

 

It isn't just hard for me though. Its been hard on my husband whose usual instinct has been the "cut and run."

He picked up on the changes, he's been working hard the last year to develop new coping skills and now we have a baby on the way. PLUS I am his primary emotional support (arguably his only emotional support).

 

But we are in our 30s. It took a long time to get there. Lots of struggles. He has had to learn what was underneath the "cut and run," actively watch for emotional cues from me and learn how to respond and articulate his own feelings and concerns.

 

That's a tough run for anyone.

 

Your fiance might see something flagging with you but not even acknowledge it on an intellectual level. Just know that "something is off that's making him edgy as Hell."

[dreamingoftigers]

I will say this though: I have posted plenty of "he's such a jerk its totally over" posts on here on the heat of the moment only to backpedal in less than 24 hours.

 

Sometimes we need a place to feel heard and it isn't an overall concrete reflection on the state of the relationship.

[Buddhist]

You expected the relationship to be exciting forever?.... Sounds like you were scared of it growing into something mature. Mature relationships don't need excitement and they don't fear the other person losing interest either. Planning a wedding is a frustrating, irritating experience and guys get cold feet but eventually pull out of it.

 

Sorry to say but I think you bailed on something perfectly good out of a need to feel like you were dating forever.

[Keats]

I think this is the best reaction for when one encounters - intolerable verbal abuse. It sounds intolerable to katie.

 

I guess when it comes to any kind of abuse - women get criticised for staying and criticised for going

 

No winning ey.

[Buddhist]

I think this is the best reaction for when one encounters - intolerable verbal abuse. It sounds intolerable to katie.

 

I guess when it comes to any kind of abuse - women get criticised for staying and criticised for going

 

No winning ey.

 

Because it also sounds like she did absolutely nothing about it in the moment except fester on it, then decide to pack bags. She's dumping and running instead of having a confrontation that needs to occur. That won't help her relational life going forward.

[Versacehottie]

Oh no! Sorry to hear this. I echo a lot of what has been said. Including by Quobo (again!) especially the part about wanting to provide for his family and getting panic'd about that. I know other guys that's happened too. I think, when you're ready and more even tempered to deal with it, for your own sake regardless of the outcome, it would make sense to figure out what's going on in the relationship from his point of view. That way if your decision is still to move on you can do it with no regrets/unanswered questions which make you question your decision overall. If there have been a lot of wedding plans, sometimes guys call it really torturous to them and that the meaning of the marriage has gotten lost.

 

Don't know what to say about the verbally awful stuff. My thought would be that what you are doing is good for a shakeup and for each of you to reassess and recommit if you are going to go thru with the marriage from a better place. Again, I know a few people where they came back together after a big shakeup like this with better appreciation for each other. And that's prob what you both need as admittedly commitment is inherently scary for both of you. No clear answers. You know your relationship and yourself better than anyone so trust that. Be honest with yourself about if you are having a knee jerk reaction to whole thing (not that I don't think space is justified). Be smart about what you want your future to be like. Maybe realistically your communication styles don't match up or realistically it's a hard patch that all couples (including any one you'd be in in the future) go through. Anyway, sorry to hear this and good luck.

[Keats]

Everybody needs space after abuse.

 

And abuse hardly increases love...

 

So her reaction is spot on. Just a shame we are kinda berating her.

 

Temporarily remove yourself from target and abuse. Negotiate later.

 

That's a healthy thing and a great agitation towards accountability and change.

 

She did do something about the abuse. She won't bear it.

 

Because it also sounds like she did absolutely nothing about it in the moment except fester on it, then decide to pack bags. She's dumping and running instead of having a confrontation that needs to occur. That won't help her relational life going forward.

[katiegrl]

Everybody needs space after abuse.

 

And abuse hardly increases love...

 

So her reaction is spot on. Just a shame we are kinda berating her.

 

Temporarily remove yourself from target and abuse. Negotiate later.

 

That's a healthy thing and a great agitation towards accountability and change.

 

She did do something about the abuse. She won't bear it.

 

Thank you for getting it Keats.

 

You know, I am sorry some of you don't approve....but I am tired having to defend myself and my actions..

 

And to Buddhist ....had you read all my posts, you would have seen that I DID confront him...I told him speaking to me that way was unacceptable ....while still remaining respectful.

 

I also posted several times that I plan to discuss all this with him .... after I have calmed down, am not so angry, emotional and reactionary.

 

That is SMART.

 

If you don't agree, so be it.

 

And for the last time, I am NOT *running away*.

 

I am taking a few days to calm down and gather my thoughts so that *when* we talk, I will do so in a rational and logical fashion ..... which is what I feel is right for ME..

[Qboro90]

Thank you for getting it Keats.

 

You know, I am sorry some of you don't approve....but I am tired having to defend myself and my actions..

 

And to Buddhist ....had you read all my posts, you would have seen that I DID confront him...I told him speaking to me that way was unacceptable ....while still remaining respectful.

 

I also posted several times that I plan to discuss all this with him .... after I have calmed down, am not so angry, emotional and reactionary.

 

That is SMART.

 

If you don't agree, so be it.

 

And for the last time, I am NOT *running away*.

 

I am taking a few days to calm down and gather my thoughts so that *when* we talk, I will do so in a rational and logical fashion ..... which is what I feel is right for ME..

 

 

I understand that you're doing this because you feel it's right for YOU. My question is that if you two were engaged and you had issues about the closeness and excitement being expressed, why aren't you approaching this as doing what's best for US?. Again, if you don't want to reconcile then do what's best for YOU. But if you think there's a chance to get back together, or want him to address your concerns then being able to confront these hurdles TOGETHER, is essential.

 

Even if you think packing up and leaving is best for you... What if that's not best for the future of your relationship with him? What if he feels differently and wants to approach it in a manner that you haven't considered yet?

 

Marriage is a partnership, if you still are making individual decisions and thinking that way then perhaps marriage wasn't something either of you were ready for.

 

And no need to sound hostile or aggravated when getting different replies. No ones attacking you as a person or saying you're wrong. Expect to hear varying opinions by different people's view of your situation. It's your choice at the end of the day

[katiegrl]

 

 

**Katie, could it be that with nonverbalized emotional changes in yourself of the need for more closeness, that even though you haven't verbalized these new needs that you actually unintentionally exhibit behaviors that are subtle but someone with whom you are very close (your fiance) picks up on these subtle behavior changes and can't make sense of them? ***

 

 

People pick up on very subtle clues. My kids and pets pick up on the slightest of changes when I'm feeling down and I'm not even aware that I am putting vibes out there or made any behavioral changes and they get anxious. Kids ask me if everything is alright. Pets cuddle closer to my face. It's strange how they know.

 

I do understand your deep felt sense of fairness and relational fair play do not allow for your partner to "be actin a fool" so to speak. It sounds like he's been doing that. Please give him the benefit of the doubt and figure out what's going on. See if you can help him grow.

 

Hey StBreton ...thank you for your kind words in your previous post.....feeling is mutual!

 

With respect to above in asterisk ..I dunno, it's possible he sensed it, we are very in tune with each other ...but I have been keeping my distance lately so it's doubtful, but still possible I suppose.

 

Also, we have not been communicating much lately either (his decision ...he just has not been talking to me much lately) ...so again doubtful, but possible.

 

He got my note, and wants to talk NOW.....interesting after I leave...he's ready to talk to me.

 

Sticking to my guns that I need a couple of days.

 

I am with my good friend and feeling better and am actually hopeful!

 

Gotta log off, but will keep you posted....

[katiegrl]

I understand that you're doing this because you feel it's right for YOU. My question is that if you two were engaged and you had issues about the closeness and excitement being expressed, why aren't you approaching this as doing what's best for US?. Again, if you don't want to reconcile then do what's best for YOU. But if you think there's a chance to get back together, or want him to address your concerns then being able to confront these hurdles TOGETHER, is essential.

 

Even if you think packing up and leaving is best for you... What if that's not best for the future of your relationship with him? What if he feels differently and wants to approach it in a manner that you haven't considered yet?

 

Marriage is a partnership, if you still are making individual decisions and thinking that way then perhaps marriage wasn't something either of you were ready for.

 

And no need to sound hostile or aggravated when getting different replies. No ones attacking you as a person or saying you're wrong. Expect to hear varying opinions by different people's view of your situation. It's your choice at the end of the day

 

Well...if it's not the right time for ME to talk due to my irrational thoughts and emotional reaction...then it's obviously not the right time for US to talk either.

 

BOTH people need to be ready to talk in order to have a productive conversation re the status of *our* relationship.

 

I just told him that...thankfully HE gets it.

[katiegrl]

Qboro....you are right, I do feel a bit attacked though tbh.

 

I feel better than earlier, but still not in a good place emotionally ....so if it seems like I am lashing out, my apologies.

 

I appreciate everyone's posts...and I thank you for yours...

 

Trust me I am taking everything into consideration. You make some good points that I will definitely consider.

 

I am a very strong girl though and I do know what is best for me, and for us as a couple , right now.

 

Please trust me on that.....if we were to talk now, the way I am feeling, and now how HE is feeling, it would only result in a fight ...which would not resolve anything!

Edited November 28, 2015 by katiegrl