Exclusivity seems implied, but I think I'd feel weird bringing it up

[waterintobeer]

I'm 29 and the girl I have been dating is 26. We met on Tinder (not for a hookup, to legit date) almost exactly two weeks ago. All of the dates have gone really well so far and, on the first date, she explained that she strongly disliked the app and that I was only the third or fourth person she had met on it in over a year using it (only one other person had a second date and she said it was awful).

 

Anyhow, I feel like exclusivity is implied now, but at the same time I kind of feel like it's too soon to bring up (despite us both seeming fine with how quick things are progressing). Here's the timeline of how the two weeks have went, starting on the 12th.

 

Thursday: Meet for drinks, end up chatting for two hours. I invite her to have a second, dinner date. She agrees.

 

Monday: Meet for dinner, chat for a few hours again. We kiss, I invite her over for dinner and a movie.

 

Friday/Saturday: She comes over, we make dinner, watch a movie, end up having sex. She stays the night, we have sex again in the morning. She invites me over to her apartment that (Saturday) night. I go over, we hang out with her roommate and her roommates boyfriend, it goes well and is fun. I stay the night and we have sex again. In the morning we lay in bed watching TV, she makes breakfast, we have sex again, and I leave around 2:30 in the afternoon, but not before she suggests we go to a movie.

 

Tuesday: She comes over after work, we quick make dinner and go see a movie. It's a work night and late afterwards, so she goes home and we agree to get together again on Saturday (tomorrow).

 

I have been on one other date since meeting her and it was two days after our first date. At this point, given how much we have gotten together and how intimate we have been, I feel like exclusivity is probably implied. However, I feel like if I brought it up, it would seem way too soon. Things have progressed quickly, but I am perfectly comfortable with how quickly they have progressed and, given that she hasn't shot down getting together any time I have asked, I would guess she is too.

 

Am I just overthinking things? Should we discuss this or should I just let it play out longer? I don't really check my dating apps/sites anymore, but I also haven't taken them down and still have been messaging/emailing with a few people I started talking to prior to dating this girl.

 

Any comments/advice would be helpful! Thanks.

[Karine26]

Sounds like you're having fun; good for you! I would personally wait it out a little longer. It is all peaches and cream at the beginning. I have had male friends feel like they want to be with a girl that they just met forever (lust) and then one day out of the blue the girl shows her true colors and ends up being insanely crazy lol (not that she is...but since you have only known her for 2 weeks there is a possibility). I have also been in "relationships" with this pace only to find out the other person didn't want anything serious, even though we were together pretty much all of the time.

 

Did you two have a talk about what you are looking for? If not bringing up exclusivity this soon may scare her away. You never know what the other person is thinking in their head, so you can start with asking her that question if you didn't already.

 

It's only been two weeks, you are having a good time. I say just wait a little longer and if it is still going the way it is going now bring up the conversation.

 

[ThisisIt606]

It seems like you're just hooking up. So far the dating has consisted of drinks, dinner, movies, and (lots of) sex in about 2 weeks. She could very well be seeing other guys. I'm not saying she's having sex with them, but she might be going out museums, shows, local events with other guys.

 

If you want to date her/have her be your girlfriend suggest something for a date you haven't done yet that steers clear of the home movies and sex. Ask what she's looking for in a relationship. So far it seems like you two have jumped the gun and settled into a routine that couples can have after they have been dating for some months. So early into dating, in my mind this seems to imply casual/minimal effort.

 

The initial month or so is where the real effort is as far as going out of the home. Just ask her what she's looking for in a relationship and say what you're looking for. If you don't mult date, tell her that. THrough this discussion it will come out if she's seeing other guys or not.

[waterintobeer]

I stated on the initial date that I wasn't just looking for something casual and she pretty much reciprocated those thoughts. I can see where it may seem as though we're just hooking up, but I guess I have always viewed hooking up differently. We communicate a lot in between dates, spend time doing stuff other than just popping by for a quickie.

 

Either way, it's probably good that I casually approach this conversation tomorrow, as I don't really want to be wasting my time.

 

Should also state that we have gone out together. Movie theater, dinner, trivia night (during the drinks).

[dobielover]

I don't think it's too soon. I would just ask her what she's looking for she's hoping will develop between the two of you.

[fitnessfan365]

Exclusivity after two weeks? Seems a bit rushed IMO.

 

Ask yourself why you want a label so soon. It sounds more like you want to lock the person down and make yourself feel better. For what it's worth, I think exclusivity should be based on wanting to take it further w/someone you know and really like. How well can you know someone after a few weeks?

[waterintobeer]

Exclusivity after two weeks? Seems a bit rushed IMO.

 

Ask yourself why you want a label so soon. It sounds more like you want to lock the person down and make yourself feel better. For what it's worth, I think exclusivity should be based on wanting to take it further w/someone you know and really like. How well can you know someone after a few weeks?

 

My biggest thing about "exclusivity" isn't really about a boyfriend/girlfriend label or making myself feel better. And maybe I'm old school, but once I have had sex with someone, I'd like to think/know they're not out having sex with others just as freely.

 

To me, at some point you cross a threshold. Maybe you are not an official couple yet, but you have at least closed yourself off to dating others for the time being. To me, that threshold is sex, I suppose.

[waterintobeer]

I guess another reason why this is throwing me for a bit of a loop is this that in my last relationship, my ex and I became exclusive after about two months of dating. However, in those two months, we only went on about 5 or 6 dates due to time constraints.

 

Anyway, I feel as though the both of us are looking for the same thing and things are just progressing quickly because we both seem comfortable/fine with it. As said, I will just sort of casually approach the topic tomorrow, in that I'll ask her for she's looking for. I don't need a label, but I would like to know that this is something that could lead somewhere.

[lolablue17]

Yes, of course you should offer exclusivity if that's what you want.

 

1. To be natural is always good.

2. It shows that you want her, you have feelings for her, you care. It's great.

3. The time you're dating is not a factor. I had exclusivity sometimes with my Gf's from the day we first met.

 

4. Things better be clear on that matter. She better know that you're uncomfortable with her dating with others, not to mention sex with others.

 

5. I've heard many stories also here on LS, in which married people say: "I discovered now, she had sex with someone when we were early dating, she says that it's not cheating because we were not officially exclusive". Don't fall to that trap.

[Maggie4]

Not too soon to bring it up, when you are having sex. For safety, and just to not feel grossed out.

[waterintobeer]

Thanks for the responses.

 

I think my primary reasons are for, as the last person mentioned, safety and for the fact that I just think having sec with multiple people is tacky/classless. I am fine with multi-dating, but once a relationship turns intimate (e.g. sex), I think there needs to be at least some understanding.

 

I really feel as though we are on the same wavelength, and am not worried I will hear something I don't want to hear, so tomorrow I think I'll ask her what she's looking for/where she sees this heading after I tell her I'm really enjoying spending time with her.

 

I think that sounds like a good approach.

[oberkeat]

Not too soon to bring it up, when you are having sex. For safety, and just to not feel grossed out.

 

Agreed 100%. If I'm having sex with someone this frequently, I want to know if she's planning on having sex with other men and how many. I'd appreciate knowing that. I cannot believe these other multi-dating multi-sexing replies saying it's too soon for such talk.

Edited November 28, 2015 by oberkeat

[Qboro90]

I wouldn't bring it up if I were you. Let her be the one who starts that conversation. That will give you the confidence in knowing that she wants this and isn't just agreeing with you because you brought it up.

 

If you're worried about security and her going out with other guys then having the discussion about exclusivity isn't going to change that. If she's the type of girl who will go on other dates and sleep with other men while she's seeing you as much as she has, then having the conversation about exclusivity isn't going to change that anyways. She's either the type of girl who only sleeps with 1 guy and devotes her attention to that person, or she's the type of person who is more liberal with her dating mindset and is still open to other dates and men.

 

I don't think she's that kind of girl based on how much she's spent time with you so I don't think you have anything to worry about in terms of her and other partners. If anything, she should be the one to bring it up because you actually have gone out with someone else since you first met her. (Btw I wouldn't tell her that for obvious reasons) .

 

There's no rush to do this exclusive thing either. At the end of the day you've only known this girl for 2 weeks. She's treating you as if you're exclusive so right now that should be enough. As soon as you have the exclusive talk, that makes the "are we BF/gf" talk inevitable. So once you discuss being exclusive, you can bet your ass that you're going to have a girlfriend within a couple weeks because what's the point of being exclusive without the title?

 

So think of it that way. Are you ready to make this girl your girlfriend after 2 weeks? Or does going on a few more dates with her, learning more about her and peeling back the layers of her personality seem like the better/safer idea at this point. There's literally no downside to just holding off and seeing how things play out. If you jump into exclusivity and defining things this early, then you run the risk of being 2 months down the road seeing the true side of her appear and taking you by surprise. Now I'm not saying that will happen. But I guarantee you that most people are on their best behavior and putting their best face forward during the early parts of dating.

 

Why don't you see what happens and make sure that she is someone you want to be with exclusively after a month or 6 weeks and then you can think of having that talk with more confidence behind it, if she hasn't already brought it up. Plus, I always preferred letting the girl bring up those kinds of discussions because it puts you in the drivers seat because they're revealing their emotions to you instead of the other way around.

[IronZ]

I think at this point you two pretty much got this down. I don't think there's any need to label it, this is clearly a relationship. I would stop dating other girls though unless you're ok with her dating other dudes.

 

I would say though if you both have an active online social presence then you may want to suggest making it FB official. That will pretty much tell you outright if this is a relationship. There's no rush though. Take it easy.

[seekingluck]

Have the convo. It doesn't have to be anything further than "I think you are great, and I'd like to stop seeing other people."

 

Or tell her you are dating anyone else right now and ask her.

[IronZ]

Have the convo. It doesn't have to be anything further than "I think you are great, and I'd like to stop seeing other people."

 

Or tell her you are dating anyone else right now and ask her.

 

Maybe it's just me overthinking everything but to me "I'd like to stop seeing other people" strongly implies you've been doing just that. If this is a relationship in her mind and she hears that, he's got some splainin' to do.

[Bobbi7]

So, when it comes to these situations, people are suppose to keep quiet? A few years ago, there was a similar situation that happened to me, thinking that there was going to be a relationship=commitment...well, long and behold a few months later, he got married! And when I asked him about it, his excuse was, " we never talked about a relationship." He was all talk. He never brought the subject up anyway, so if he did feel the same way, I would have known. Go figure. Basically if one partner doesn't discuss exclusivity, it just means, there will be none.

[Qboro90]

So, when it comes to these situations, people are suppose to keep quiet? A few years ago, there was a similar situation that happened to me, thinking that there was going to be a relationship=commitment...well, long and behold a few months later, he got married! And when I asked him about it, his excuse was, " we never talked about a relationship." He was all talk. He never brought the subject up anyway, so if he did feel the same way, I would have known. Go figure. Basically if one partner doesn't discuss exclusivity, it just means, there will be none.

 

I mean that sounds like a very unusual circumstance with a guy who was clearly a dick. If the OP's girl needs to have the discussion to know not to sleep with other people then she's not the person he should be dating in the first place.

[IronZ]

So, when it comes to these situations, people are suppose to keep quiet? A few years ago, there was a similar situation that happened to me, thinking that there was going to be a relationship=commitment...well, long and behold a few months later, he got married! And when I asked him about it, his excuse was, " we never talked about a relationship." He was all talk. He never brought the subject up anyway, so if he did feel the same way, I would have known. Go figure. Basically if one partner doesn't discuss exclusivity, it just means, there will be none.

 

Hate to tell you this but you were the side chick. A dude doesn't just get married "a few months later" while he's still seeing you. All an exclusivity conversation would've brought on is him telling you what you want to hear (as in lying) or everything falling apart. He never intended on a relationship with you. Kind of defeats the purpose me thinks.

 

It's perfectly fine to have that conversation with someone, I just think this early in the dating thing (2 weeks for OP) it's kind of early. He should give it a month before bringing it up. He could just say something like "look I think this is pretty obvious by now but I just want to make sure we're on the same boat here. We ARE in a relationship, right?"

 

I think sometimes though it doesn't always need defining. Like you would both just know what it is.

[SwordofFlame]

Wanting exclusivity after having sex is completely reasonable if you want to keep dating. It's too soon for bf/gf though. Some people equate exclusivity with that.

[waterintobeer]

Wanting exclusivity after having sex is completely reasonable if you want to keep dating. It's too soon for bf/gf though. Some people equate exclusivity with that.

 

Exactly this.

 

I don't need a boyfriend/girlfriend label yet (though if she wanted it, I wouldn't necessarily oppose it or anything, as we really seem to be clicking). My thing with exclusivity has, like you said, more to do with the intimacy thing and wanting to date someone who is only intimate with me.

 

I'm pretty positive that this is the case, as she has made herself very available and there have been little things to indicate she has relationship in mind, but it's impossible to always read people and I think communicating these things is important. That and I feel as though communication was an issue in my last relationship (on both sides) and I'd like to get better about it.

 

Maybe I'll just say something along the lines of, "I'm really enjoying spending time with you and I'm not seeing anyone else" and see where she takes it. I'm always bad with thinking on the fly, though, so if she simply responds with, "me too," I'm not sure what I'd say next.

 

On a side note, I did read that someone did a survey and most people expect exclusivity after 6 to 8 dates, which I found interesting. So, I guess it may really depend on someone's definition of that term.

Edited November 28, 2015 by waterintobeer

[lolablue17]

Maybe I'll just say something along the lines of, "I'm really enjoying spending time with you and I'm not seeing anyone else" and see where she takes it. I'm always bad with thinking on the fly, though, so if she simply responds with, "me too," I'm not sure what I'd say next.

 

Yes, but if she says "me too", it can be interpreted "me too until this moment". On the same evening she can accidently meet someone attractive and sleep with him, and not telling you with the excuse of "You didn't say We are exclusive so it was OK to sleep with him and it's not cheating".

 

Dozens of stories here on LoveShack, in which women say exactly the same excuse after the guy found out. They always give you the feeling that they don't sleep with others and after they do they say "it's not cheating" because the word "exclusive" was never said explicitly, or they say "we were on a break so technically it's not cheating".

[waterintobeer]

Yes, but if she says "me too", it can be interpreted "me too until this moment". On the same evening she can accidently meet someone attractive and sleep with him, and not telling you with the excuse of "You didn't say We are exclusive so it was OK to sleep with him and it's not cheating".

 

Dozens of stories here on LoveShack, in which women say exactly the same excuse after the guy found out. They always give you the feeling that they don't sleep with others and after they do they say "it's not cheating" because the word "exclusive" was never said explicitly, or they say "we were on a break so technically it's not cheating".

 

Maybe it's just late, but I'm not sure what you're getting at here.

[lolablue17]

Maybe it's just late, but I'm not sure what you're getting at here.

 

Stop managing your relationship by too many hints, games and calculations, and start being honest, say what you think, be natural and don't be afraid to show her your true feelings! that's where I'm getting at...

[waterintobeer]

We got together on Saturday night for a date and things went well again. We made dinner and played some games with her roommate and roommate's boyfriend. I stayed the night and we were talking a bit prior to sleeping.

 

While we were laying there, she caught me off guard. I had finally gotten around to friending her on Facebook (hadn't really looked at her page much at that point yet) and she says something along the lines of, "I don't know if you've looked at my FB much, but if you have you can probably tell that my brother passed away two months ago." I am bad, in general, in those situations and don't know what to say, but I just offered my sympathies and told her how sorry I was. After that, we chatted more about less serious stuff.

 

Then I decided to ask her what she was looking for out of this. She said she didn't really know and doesn't know what she's doing (this kind of raised a flag), but that she does really like me. Then she asked me the same. I said that I like spending time with her and would like to see where this goes, but that I'm not in a rush. She agreed and I told her I brought it up because I don't really do the multi-dating thing and since we had been having a lot of sex, I wanted to just be careful in those regards.

 

She said she totally understood that and, after I said I don't multi-date, she said she doesn't really even date. She then admitted her last relationship was two years ago and that it took her a long time to get over.

 

I really like her and she's really sweet (and seems to enjoy being around me), but here are two things that I (possibly for no reason) thought:

 

- This sounds bad, but I thought maybe she is seeking comfort after her loss. I don't necessarily think this is the case, but I guess it could be?

 

- Her saying, "she doesn't know what she's doing" threw me. After she said she hadn't been in a relationship in two years, it confused me more. I feel it could either mean she doesn't know what she's doing in general because of her loss or it could be more literal in that she doesn't know what she's doing relationship wise because it has been so long.

 

We've made plans to get together this week and possibly next weekend and I really do enjoy spending time with her, I just want to make sure I don't get hurt in turn. We agreed to not rush things and just to see where things go, so that's what I'll try and do.

 

However, I did want some thoughts on this. Much appreciated!