Me again! ; )

[Ace]

Hey guys. I don't want to ask anything this time because I know what I need to do, but I just wanted to vent.

 

Me and the gf had a little fight Sunday night about me not respecting her feelings and not respecting what she wanted to do.

 

The reason for this is because now that we have been dating again, I want to see her all the time and I smothering her. I realize this now and I am going to stop that.

 

Well, now she says that she is having doubts about us again after our one little fight that we had. She says that she doesn't know what she wants anymore. The thing is this is the same feelings that she said that she was having when we broke up.

 

She says that she wants to make us work and I do as well, but she says that she has just been having doubts about us again. For as much as I feel for her, this is REALLY heartbreaking! She is the most important thing to me and to be in this situation is pretty bad.

 

Please don't tell me to break up because I am not going to do this. I know that if we can get through a little things that we will be fine.

 

I just wanted to vent a little bit and to let you guys know that everything since me and her got back together again have not been the greatest. I just hope that she will give it time and be able to let our relationship grow.

 

Adam

[Laurynn]

Adam,

 

There is nothing worse, to both men or women, then being smothered by their partners. I strongly suspect, from your posts here in the past, that your g/f broke up with you in the past due to the fact that you were smothering her, too needy. And you're obviously being this way again.

 

You have to back right off or you are going to lose her for good. She's going to lose all respect for you if you don't. You can't respect someone who follows you around like a puppy, who is constantly there to 'kiss your hiney', who wants to spend every spare moment together. That's just completely unhealthy...and a sure recipe for destroying a relationship.

 

I could give you suggestions on *how* to back off, but I think we need to go deeper. I think you need to get to the root of why you feel the need to smother her, why you're so clingy, needy. Could it be that you don't have a very strong sense of yourself? A poor self identity? Is there a void in your life somewhere that you're trying to fill with your girlfriend? As a person, are you really happy?

 

I strongly advise you to get some counselling or therapy. You may be able to 'back off' for a while, but chances are that won't last long...like we're seeing now. Change has to start from deep inside.

 

Best of luck

 

Laurynn

[Ace]

Thank you very much Laurynn. I really appreciate your response. I have thought to myself alot of times, why I am SOO attached to her now. I really couldn't tell you and I really wish I knew.

 

Maybe it is because I love her very much and when we broke up the first time and then we got back together maybe I just learned to not take her for granted.

 

This is a good thing, but I have taken it toooo far. I think about her everyday and how much I want to be with her. Maybe it is a lack of self confidence. Who knows? All I know is I have this overwhelming feeling to be with her now and it is pretty hard not to talk to her everyday.

 

I think that I need someone to look out for me and to love me. I love having someone be there for me when I need a shoulder to cry on.

 

She has even said that I have almost turned gay sometimes. She has said that jokingly, but I almost have. Maybe it is because I have turned into this big sensitive guy now and I just can't control it around her. I am constantly finding myself whining to her and just basically kissing her ass.

 

At least I can now manage to admit this and this is the first step. I am now in the process of trying to "ween myself" off of her. I am trying to do things for myself, but it is pretty hard when I know that she is upset about the relationship.

 

When she is upset about us, I worry about it all the time for fear that we are going to break up again. We were apart for about 4 months and I was still thinking about her everyday.

 

I agree with you in the fact that there may be something within me that may be causing the problem. Maybe since this is my first love, maybe self confidence, maybe lack of self esteem, maybe too much dependence on her. I really don't know and I wish that I could find out.

 

Thanks again Laurynn. I really appreciate it.

 

Feel free to post any more comments that you may have.

 

Adam

[Tony T]

YOU STATE: "Me and the gf had a little fight Sunday night about me not respecting her feelings and not respecting what she wanted to do."

 

Now, why doesn't this surprise me at all? Most people on this forum told you how to handle this situation and as I recall, you had all the answers.

 

I'm glad you used the forum to vent but I don't feel sorry for you at all. You got excellent advice from us and you scolded us because you didn't like it.

 

Kiddo, do things the way you want. I am convinced that you have got to learn things on your own because you won't listen to people.

 

I hope you don't screw this one up.

[Ace]

Tony:

 

I realize that alot of expert advice was given to me in this forum. However, if I would have taken your advice, I would have never even had the chance to try to make things work our between me and my gf.

 

When someone comes along and says that they are having a problem, you usually just say to break up and try to find someone else. I think about 90% of the people want to try to find out a way to stay with thier significant other and if and after they try, things don't work out THEN they may go try to date other people.

 

Give people a chance with their current relationship. I think if two people are in a rocky relationship and find a way to make things better, that is twice as good and just quitting and finding someone else. You love that person and you just don't want to quit because of a fight or two.

 

I say, "Fight for her if you love her and don't stop fighting until she gets angry!" If you do put up a fight, then at least you know that you tried to make things work and you are not left with that empty feeling of "What would have happened if I just tried a little more to get back together?"

 

Adam

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "When someone comes along and says that they are having a problem, you usually just say to break up and try to find someone else."

 

Unfortunately you don't read very well. You can use the search feature of this site to read my replies once again for clarity.

 

At any rate, I clearly told you to back off...to approach this more slowly. I told you to be a challenge...to be unpredictable. You are in trouble now because you didn't do that.

 

I mean, the poor girl was going on spring break and you were screwing your mind wondering what she was going to do with other guys...when it would have impressed her so much more if you wouldn't have cared.

 

You can pull this out for yourself if you just back off. I don't need to defend my advice to you or anyone else. They can take it or leave it.

 

I also know ALL TOO WELL that when people are in love or infatuated, they only want to read or hear what they want to. No problem.

 

I'd really like you to have this girl but, as I've said so many times before, you have to learn lessons in your own good time.

 

And, absolutely, when people are being disrespected, abused, cheated upon, etc., I recommend they find someone else...but they often do not. That's OK too. Thankfully, they don't have to take my advice and I don't have to live their lives. What a deal!!!