So what do you do when your ex is the AROUND all the time?

[startingover]

My H had a three year A. After it broke up, he told me about it (I had suspected a fling, but not the A) and he told me he wanted a divorce. 22 years of marriage and two kids. After a year and a half of trying and a remarkably lame attempt at therapy/counseling on his part (I am still in it by myself) I told him that if he was unwilling to work to resolve whatever the issues were, I would not stay in the relationship. We went through he!! with out teenage kids when we told them, but basically managed it in a relatively dignified manner. He got into another short-lived intense relationship with a younger woman, which broke up soon after he moved out (surprise! she wanted to get married and have kids!). (I am shortening this WAY up).

 

Now, he is lonely. He calls EVERY night and comes over to the house on the most ridiculous of pretenses. He is polite, doesn't stay long. He does not try to rekindle any sexual relationship, but he calls me at the office and is more like his pre-affair self than he has been for YEARS. I don't want to get in the way of his relationship with the kids (which has suffered in this) but I know they find it confusing that he is "friendly dad over all the time." It is incredibly easy for me to slip into my old friendly relationship with him. People who see us together (and it has only been a few months since he moved out) can't believe that we are even separated. And I know that as soon as he finds another woman to get involved with, he will disappear again. My counselor is very worried that I am being set up to be hurt again as am I. It was easy to be sure that the relationship was over when he was acting like such a jerk for so long -- now that he is back to "normal" (which I know just means that he needs something -- not that he cares about me) it is difficult not to slip back into old patterns.

 

I would appreciate perspectives from other BS's who are coping with trying to maintain a positive relationship with a soon to be ex, but are worried that they are just being set up.

[HoneyWheat]

is the divorce final?

 

He may have been advised by his attorney or therapist to be civil, not necessarily friendly and not antagonize you because that would tend to upset the children.

 

I think that if you and he can get along that is a good thing.

 

I have had female roommates who were divorced and during family get togethers the ex husbands would come over to visit even with their new spouse or girlfriend and everything went fine. so its good to be able to get to this point.

 

if the divorce is still fresh i could see why the therapist is worried he is trying to set you up to hurt you...or she is merely reflecting your own fears back to you

 

and if the settlement is not done yet that could be why there is not a lot of rancor

 

if you two can get through the divorce settlement peacefully...both getting what you want...and not using the proceedings to get back at each other then i think you can have an amicable divorce and amicable relationship after the divorce