people who demonize their exes

[dawn duval]

I just had a revelation about my ex (who I want to get back together with). While we were dating, he always said such bad things about his exes -- they were crazy biatches etc. I wonder if some people just cope with breakups this way -- demonizing their exes -- and those people will never get back together with their exes because they remember only the bad stuff.

 

That's disappointing if that's true, even more so if it's true of my ex, cuz that means we'll never get back together and he's calling me a crazy biatch right now.

 

Even while we were dating I thought it was a bit of a coincidence that all 8 of his exes were psychotic and started to wonder if it was something he was doing to make them that way. Didn't occur to me that maybe it was his perception.

[westernxer]

Let him call you what he wants... he'd never do it to your face.

 

Guys say that stuff in jest most of the time, so don't take it personal. That's how they heal themselves. At least he didn't call them hoes, or did he?

[dawn duval]

nah didn't call them hoes at least. Well in that case I need something to call him so I can heal myself...or maybe I'll wait until I'm sure we won't get back together... I'm afraid to unleash that demon.

[faux]

I have had some very bad break-ups in the past. A few of the worst break-ups involved wonderful people, who I cannot really say anything bad about, and never did say anything bad about. If I ever demonized an ex, it was because the ex was deemed psychotic by professionals, and is known by many to be severely unstable.

 

I think it is wrong for me to say that an ex is a horrible person if things simply did not work out. I have had a few situations, however, where I ought to have known better than to become involved with certain women; those women I do think are not good people.

[d'Arthez]

Originally posted by dawn duval

Even while we were dating I thought it was a bit of a coincidence that all 8 of his exes were psychotic and started to wonder if it was something he was doing to make them that way. Didn't occur to me that maybe it was his perception.

 

The only commond denominator of his prior 8 relationships was him. Either he is attracted to psychotic girls, which would be a huge red flag. Or he makes it out that everything is their fault, by shifting the blame to them.

 

Every relationship involves two persons, and it is rarely the case that only one person sabotaged a relationship. Perhaps, for instance their so called psychotic behavior was caused by his own behavior! So who is to blame for their behavior? That is something you can't easily answer.

 

To randomly get into a relationship with a psychotic girl, for 8 times on a row is defying all odds. Would he mind if you spoke to one or two of his more recent exes? They might have a different story to tell about him.

[cleebie]

I think that my ex might be "demonising" me too.

 

I have no proof of this but having thought alot about things over the last 4 months since he left me, I have come to the conclusion that this is what he does.

 

I believe that he left me for someone he started seeing before he left me (he says there is no-one but split came out of nowhere and someone else is normally involved when this is the case), anyway...

 

We had a very brief relationship 10 years ago that only lasted 3 months which fizzled out with no actual break up, we just stopped aranging to see each other..people thought that he had treated me badly in just ignoring me to end the relationship and got some stick for it and I subsequently found out that he had told his friends that I was "mad" - I am not, by the way.

 

He met someone else 2 months later and eventually married her, he split from her 5 years ago and we started seeing each other again. During the time that we started seeing each other, he told me that his wife was mad, crazy, had stalked him and had hung on to his legs being dragged along the floor when he tried to leave their house with his belongings!!, and other such stories..

 

I believe now that he may be doing to same thing to me to justify leaving me. It means that he doesn't have to tell anyone the truth (that he was cheating) and be seen as the bad guy. He likes to be liked. He wants everyone to think that he is a nice, caring, sensitive man.

 

By demonising me, he gets nothing but "oh you poor thing, you must have had a terrible time, you were right to leave her, she sounds crazy, no wonder you left" - it worked on me when he left his wife, i felt sorry for him.

 

He gets sympathy and understanding. I have been left with nothing. I just hope that people know me well enough to not believe his lies.

[swirlingdaisy]

I learned over the years that it's a huge "red flag" when a guy you're getting to know has nothing but trash to say about his exes, particularly his last ex. It's one thing for him to say something general like "She wasn't a good match for me, we turned out to be too different" (etc)...but it's entirely another if he goes on and on with the veins sticking out of his neck, speaking about how psycho she was, she was a "b*tch", etc etc. To me that indicates:

 

a) He's likely not truly over her because if he was, he'd feel more "indifference" than such contempt

 

b) It always makes me wonder what "her side" of the story would be - because his presentation of it is so darn one-sided.

 

I also become leary immediately when a guy starts talking about how his ex didn't trust him.....how crazy she was for not trusting him.....that is another huge red flag (though I do appreciate them bringing this significant tidbit to my attention). For the most part, I don't think women who are in good healthy relationships get some sort of kick out of not trusting their partner.....Now of course, there are women who are paranoid, who have trust issues as deep as the clear blue see......but I don't think that's the norm. When a guy starts ragging on his ex and complains that she never liked him going out "with the boys", that she was "falsely" accusing him of cheating on him, bla bla.....whether it's right or it's wrong, I can't help but feel that there's a good degree of truth there...........and I just won't pursue anything. I know what it's like to be cheated on, I know what it's like to be with someone who isn't trustworthy, who lies, who has his priorities mixed up..........and it's just not worth the risk to me. I've never been one to falsely accuse a guy of lying to me, or cheating..........if I ever had a sense that my guy wasn't being straight with me, 10/10 times, I was right.

 

I'm just as leary of a guy who goes too far the other way...........who goes on about how his ex was a great person, how smart and beautiful and kind and sweet and super she was. There's a fine line between bashing and glorifying.

 

I've don't mind a guy telling me that his ex was a great person and it was unfortunate that things didn't work out, but when it becomes a pattern that he's talking about how great she was, it seems obvious to me that he's not over her yet.....and I dang well won't be someone's rebound girl.

[lindya]

Also, there are some people who command so little respect from their friends that every romantic relationship they have ever tried to have is destined to be viewed as a joke; as will the unfortunate other halves of those relationships. Hence there will be the "dopey" ex, the "psycho" ex and the "fat, ugly" ex.

 

Watch out for the guy who allows his friends to label his exes in this way, because you can pretty much guarantee that they'll be making similar comments about you behind closed doors.

[dawn duval]

I also become leary immediately when a guy starts talking about how his ex didn't trust him.....how crazy she was for not trusting him.....that is another huge red flag (though I do appreciate them bringing this significant tidbit to my attention).

Wow, that's scary - my ex did this! Whenever I brought up relationship issues I had to phrase it very carefully or he would say "you think I'm letting you down", and if anyone thought he was "letting them down" that's a vote of no confidence in him. And that means the relationship has to end. Now that I think about that, what a load of bullsh-t! Grrr...

 

d'Arthez, I have an evil grin after your suggestion to talk to his exes. Maybe I'll invite them to LS and we'll start a thread on him.

[westernxer]

A girl I dated spoke about her exes all the time... in particular, her ex-husband and an ex-boyfriend whom she went out with shortly after the divorce. She painted herself as this innocent victim who didn't deserve the treatment she got.

 

I discovered her true colors shortly after... it made me feel sorry for the other guys. They were with her longer than I was.

 

Actually, I couldn't care less. I had to save my own ass.

[dawn duval]

crap, now I'm feeling all weirded out and wish I hadn't sent that a**h*** a stinking love letter. Breakups are so messed up -- for 3 months afterward I only focused on how wonderful he was, and now this hits me and I remember, yeah, he was fairly controlling.

 

I imagine the best thing to do is just let things go because he probably won't even respond to my love letter, but I'm having fantasies about writing him an email and saying -- "you know that love letter I sent about how our love is eternal and all that? Sorry, something came up and I changed my mind"

 

And stupid me, I'll probably forget all about this in a couple of hours and start thinking he's perfect again.

[d'Arthez]

Try hard to think of his many imperfections, and his annoying behavior.

 

If he were perfect, he would have talked better about his exes. Not in a derogatory way, but in an appreciative way, even though things did not work out.

 

He would not have broken up with you in the first place, and created all the heartaches and doubts in your heart.

 

If he does respond to the love letter, you can simply say, that he is the wrong recipient.

[Caidy]

"If he does respond to the love letter, you can simply say, that he is the wrong recipient."

 

 

Nice, is all I gotta say.

 

And how true of my situation as well. It's hard when people change abruptly on you. Love is like playing Russian Roulette, you never know when you're going to get that bullet.