Getting married because relationship is comfortable vs madly in love

[bigdog93]

I just graduated college and have dated my girlfriend over 4 years. I am not a very emotional person in any aspect so i would never expect myself to be that guy who posts all over social media professing my love for someone, I'm very private.. But Im not extremely in love with my girlfriend. Like, our relationship is comfortable. We get along, we agree on a lot of important topics, its a steady relationship that makes sense and we do enjoy each others company, i like making her happy and i think she would be a good mom etc..

 

I want to get married peoples opinion on my relationship and if it is worth moving forward to get married even though we are not head over heels in love.

 

Im not one for uncertainty and I don't want to ruin what I have on the hopes that there is something better out there. I have seen my friends fall for the "grass is always greener" syndrome and I don't want to make an ill informed decision.

[Popsicle]

You admitted yourself that you're not a very emotional person so why would you expect anything different?

[Mr. Lucky]

I want to get married peoples opinion on my relationship and if it is worth moving forward to get married even though we are not head over heels in love.

 

Would your girlfriend agree with this statement ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[casey.lives]

you're not in love with her.. don't settle.. you'll only end up complaining.. backbiting .. and adding to the underwhelming feelings on your own..

Edited November 28, 2015 by casey.lives

[Qboro90]

Depends if you want to re enter that dating world and risk not finding anyone better than your gf. The problem is, that there is definitely someone else out there who you will be blown away by and have that "madly in love" feeling, however that doesn't mean you'll find them anytime soon, or that it would work out if you did meet them, or that you'll find them at all.

 

Personally I want to feel that spark and desire with the person I marry instead of "eh, I like her as a person, enjoy being around her, and she's good to me and will be a good mom" . I want to have those feelings about someone who I am thrilled to see every day and look forward to a lifetime with, instead of just thinking "we're similar, so it's logical to marry one another"

 

I do understand that some people don't have those kinds of emotions as well. There are people who are completely fine with just being in relationships that work and are comfortable. My feeling is that eventually those relationships end when someone wakes up after 10-15 years and says "I'm just going through the motions, there's nothing here that makes me feel unique or happy"

 

Only you can determine that.

[frogs88]

I can identify a bit with how you feel - I think my relationship also primarily pillars on compatibility. It's a strong foundation for sure but it's probably true you're chipping in somewhere else. Doesn't mean it can never work out - we've been together 7 years and doing ok. It does mean you have to be pretty sure you're not going to get cold feet much later. I think you can really find the answer in yourself.

[dichotomy]

Love is not a feeling. Or at least its not over the long term. Love a commitment to the benefit of the loved.

 

 

Compatibility (money/sex/kids/life style/belief system), Commitment (I got you and your needs in mind), and Comfort (peace, harmony, trust)...are all better reasons for a marriage then hopped up emotional feelings. As long as you know it goes both ways.

 

 

P.S. if you have kids you will know more on this love thing...

Edited November 28, 2015 by dichotomy

[veggirl]

You're 22 and with your only ever adult relationship....do not get married! You're the person who will be divorced by 30. You're too young and already too wishy washy and you don't have enough life experience to make this last.

[Lois_Griffin]

Jeez, if you're only 22, get out and live a little. Marriage should be the dead LAST option on your menu right now.

 

If you were any MORE complacent in this relationship, you'd be in a coma.

[understand50]

Wife and I got married really early, I was 19 she 20. We have had over 40 plus years. Look, wild love comes and goes. Being comfortable and able to live together is a plus. Know people who are in "love" but cannot live together. I say go for it. Here is a link with some arguments on getting married early.

 

The Benefits of Getting Married Young | The Art of Manliness

 

It is your life, you only have so much time. Take it from someone over 60. At some point you need to get on with it

 

I wish you luck

[oldshirt]

Historically marriage never had anything to do with love. Marriage has always been a legal construct to provide a stable and legally recognized home to raise children and provide a legal framework for passing down property through generations. It was never intended to be an emotion-based institution. It's only been in the last 100 or so years in western society that love has played into it at all. It's only been during that time and place that people have picked their own mates. When people pick their own mates they tend to base it more on feelings than practicalities.

[bigdog93]

Historically marriage never had anything to do with love. Marriage has always been a legal construct to provide a stable and legally recognized home to raise children and provide a legal framework for passing down property through generations. It was never intended to be an emotion-based institution. It's only been in the last 100 or so years in western society that love has played into it at all. It's only been during that time and place that people have picked their own mates. When people pick their own mates they tend to base it more on feelings than practicalities.

 

Do you think this has been a reason for increased divorce rates? I mean feelings die over time right? And I guess culture has changed making divorce more acceptable as well

[oldshirt]

Do you think this has been a reason for increased divorce rates? I mean feelings die over time right? And I guess culture has changed making divorce more acceptable as well

 

There are lots of reasons that the divorce rate has increased.

 

 

In days of yore divorce was socially stigmatized. Churches took stern positions against it. In days where women were typically not gainfully employed outside the home, a divorce meant a drastic reduction in lifestyle for both parties due to divorced men typically paying alimony. And it was assumed that divorce would be detrimental to the well being of the children.

 

 

As such divorce was typically limited to either the upper classes or to extreme cases of dysfunction such as real bad abuse, alcoholism/drug addition, chronic infidelity etc etc Those things further lead to the social stigma of divorce since most of the common man/woman divorces revolved around abuse, addiction, adultery, complete abandonment etc.

 

 

Today most women have their own educations and means to support themselves so alimony isn't as prevalent or as steep so both parties have a livable standard of living post divorce.

 

 

And much of the social and religious stigma has been greatly reduced so people don't carry the stigma and shame following divorce that previous generations had.

 

 

Today even harmful effects on children are in dispute. Studies and scientific research has clearly demonstrated children are harmed by environments with abuse, neglect, addiction, chronic hostility etc but little has shown that children are harmed by two supportive, loving and involved parents that happen to live in separate homes and are no longer married.

 

 

So in short, more people are divorcing today because they can afford it and they don't suffer many of the previous problems that past generations did.

[oldshirt]

... and I don't know if I would say that feelings "die" per se, but they definitely change over time and that initial rush of infatuation and lust and all encompassing passion always declines over time but feelings of warmth, affection, respect, compassion, admiration, acceptance can and often do last over a lifetime.

[PieceTablo]

I am having the same problem as you OP (good relationship, not madly in love anymore, but very comfortable and stable).

 

I am seeking help for this problem too, so don't know helpful this is, but my opinion:

Just look at your relationship and see if you're happy or not. Are there things, aside from the "in love" feeling, that aren't there?

 

I do not think you need to be in love with her (however, I think it's important that sometimes you still feel like "Damn, she's amazing").

 

I think merely being comfortable is a bad reason to stay with someone, but if it all actually works, you're not like "Yeah, it's all good, but this significant part leaves quite a bit do be desired", then just stay. You're still young, that's true, but there's nothing wrong with getting it right early on.

[dichotomy]

 

 

So in short, more people are divorcing today because they can afford it and they don't suffer many of the previous problems that past generations did.

 

I would also suspect that the concepts of compromise and sacrifice and knowing when to defer to others needs - are not as valued as they were. Perhaps some did back then because they had little choice, perhaps also they understood marriage involved these traits.

[casey.lives]

love manifest differently from person to person... so i think there is an emphasis on the type of personality type you're wanting to attract. But i don't know many people who just hang in there for comfort... Most everyone is deeply romantic about relationships.. so.... im skeptical. Comfort never holds anyone back... not i, a logical person .. or an extremely emotional person (from observation)

[d0nnivain]

would never expect myself to be that guy who posts all over social media professing my love for someone, I'm very private.. But Im not extremely in love with my girlfriend. Like, our relationship is comfortable. We get along, we agree on a lot of important topics, its a steady relationship that makes sense and we do enjoy each others company, i like making her happy and i think she would be a good mom etc..

 

Im not one for uncertainty and I don't want to ruin what I have on the hopes that there is something better out there. I have seen my friends fall for the "grass is always greener" syndrome and I don't want to make an ill informed decision.

 

 

What is "extremely in love"? Do you mean that dizzying whirlwind can't catch my breath feeling that the movies portray as love? That is not the kind of love that sustains a marriage over decades.

 

 

Do you love her at all? How's your sex life? You describe compatibility, comfort, similar values & making each other happy. Add in trust & those are the building blocks of a solid marriage IMO.

 

 

To say you aren't in love with her because you don't post your feelings about her on social media is ridiculous. Social media is not a valid measure of much, let alone whether you love somebody. A few times per year DH & I might throw a "love you" on social media but it's not a daily occurrence.

 

 

All that said, you just graduated from college. You are entering the next phase of your life: adulthood with jobs & apartments & new challenges. Experience those for a while. See how you do supporting yourself & start saving for a ring, a wedding and retirement. Yes, I'm serious about the last one. Time is your friend here. Do that for a year or two then revisit the marriage issue. One major change -- your new job -- is enough. You don't need too much on your plate at the same time. Graduation, a new job, an engagement, then a new marriage with a new place to live would all be too much. Slow down & do one thing at a time.

[spanz1]

do you respect each other?

do you like to do things together?

do you enjoy talking to each other?

Is she reasonably intelligent and logical?

is she a hard worker and not whiney/entitled?

Does she give you good sex?

 

 

 

 

if you can answer yes to the above, and only like her instead of loving her...then it might still be a great match. And love may grow over time.

 

 

I would be perfectly honest with her about you not madly being in love with her....SHE may object to a marriage under those conditions

[TheGuard13]

Not everyone feels things or experiences things the same way as others.

 

If you're not usually a really emotional person, it doesn't surprise me that you wouldn't feel "deep romantic love".

 

The question is, does your partner fulfill you anyway from a relationship standpoint? There's nothing wrong with being comfortable, if that's what you want.