Are my expectations too high?

[KrieghKat01]

My husband and I have been together for ten years, married for five.

 

For the first 8 years, I supported us while he went back to college. After college he started his own business without consulting me. This was right before we got married. This was his "dream" and I didn't want to be the "dream-killing" kind of partner, although I doubted his commitment to me and our future.

 

Long story short, now I am unemployed and am pursuing an art career, which right now pays nothing. His business makes just enough for us to eke by, and he's at it around the clock. It pays practically nothing.

 

I have a lot more respect for his business now than I used to. I have never liked what he does (he has a YouTube channel), not even now, but I am thankful that it pays the bills. Still, I fear that if I ever go back to work and make more than him (which wouldn't be hard, seeing as we're at poverty level right now), I will resent him. Once again it will be me giving up my hopes and dreams in favor of financial security, and once again I'll expect him to be an equal financial contributor, and I will be disappointed.

 

I've stayed with him because he's so nice. He's just a "nice guy." He is totally fine with my not working.

 

But back when I was working, he never offered to get a job or pay the bills. He was and is distant sexually. I found out only last year that he was using (my) money to pay for porn years ago, and he was doing this while avoiding sex with me. As you can imagine, I was very hurt by the secrecy of that. He hates any talk of our sex-life. I have suggested marriage counseling but he conveniently "forgets" about it. He is one of those infuriatingly passive, avoidant people.

 

Now I feel trapped. I love him, but my expectations of him seem to be too high. Am I expecting too much? Sometimes I feel like I should just be grateful for what I have. I'm also really scared to be on my own. I don't know what to do.

 

We have no kids, btw, just one pet.

[Mr. Lucky]

People can only tell you how they feel and what they'd do. No one can make these kinds of decisions for you.

 

My wife has always been in education, it's as much a calling for her as it was (she's retired) a job. She also had an affinity for at risk and low income students, spending a substantial portion of her income on their betterment. So I knew she was never going to be a large contributor to our financial success. I gladly accepted those conditions because she's been such a great partner in other ways - loving spouse, great mom and enthusiastic supporter of my career.

 

We're I you, I'd have the same expectations of your husband. Anyone can make a substantial contribution to a relationship in his/her own way, up to you to assign value to what he brings. But when a spouse stops contributing in any way - little financial support, no emotional engagement, minimal sexual effort, general detachment - it's fair to start asking questions.

 

So no, your expectations aren't too high. His performance is too low...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Qboro90]

Well said MrLucky. You supported your husband when he went back to school and started his business/chased his dream. Sounds like he's being supportive of you doing the same now with your art career. I think the point made about financial expectations is a big factor here. Either you are ok with being the one who makes more and is responsible for more of the bills because he supports you in other ways emotionally, physically, etc that are just as critical in your mind towards your marriages happiness. (Doesn't seem like he does this for you btw).

Or you realize that the financial burden is too much to take on yourself, or he doesn't want to hold that burden while you go after your dream and there's not much more that can be done.

 

If he was a loving affectionate husband who was behind you 100% about you chasing your dream and you were ok with just getting by, and material things weren't important to you as much as being with the one you love is... Then I'd say stick with it.

 

Unfortunately it doesn't seem like your husband blows your mind on an emotional or physical level at this point... I wouldn't want my wife to stay married to me because "I'm so nice" just like I wouldn't want to be married to a woman because "she's a really nice person".

[Lois_Griffin]

My husband and I have been together for ten years, married for five.

 

For the first 8 years, I supported us while he went back to college. After college he started his own business without consulting me. This was right before we got married. This was his "dream" and I didn't want to be the "dream-killing" kind of partner, although I doubted his commitment to me and our future.

 

Long story short, now I am unemployed and am pursuing an art career, which right now pays nothing. His business makes just enough for us to eke by, and he's at it around the clock. It pays practically nothing.

 

I have a lot more respect for his business now than I used to. I have never liked what he does (he has a YouTube channel), not even now, but I am thankful that it pays the bills. Still, I fear that if I ever go back to work and make more than him (which wouldn't be hard, seeing as we're at poverty level right now), I will resent him. Once again it will be me giving up my hopes and dreams in favor of financial security, and once again I'll expect him to be an equal financial contributor, and I will be disappointed.

 

I've stayed with him because he's so nice. He's just a "nice guy." He is totally fine with my not working.

 

But back when I was working, he never offered to get a job or pay the bills. He was and is distant sexually. I found out only last year that he was using (my) money to pay for porn years ago, and he was doing this while avoiding sex with me. As you can imagine, I was very hurt by the secrecy of that. He hates any talk of our sex-life. I have suggested marriage counseling but he conveniently "forgets" about it. He is one of those infuriatingly passive, avoidant people.

 

Now I feel trapped. I love him, but my expectations of him seem to be too high. Am I expecting too much? Sometimes I feel like I should just be grateful for what I have. I'm also really scared to be on my own. I don't know what to do.

 

We have no kids, btw, just one pet.

Ugh. You supported him for 8 LONG years just so he could graduate college and have a freakin YouTube channel? Seriously?? That was money well spent.

 

Well let's see...he had no problem letting YOU carry the load for 8 long years while he got that YouTube diploma and jerked off to internet porn that YOU paid for. By the by, I'd be wanting my money back from whatever college YOU paid for him to go to because they didn't do such a good job teaching him much. Any IDIOT knows there's more FREE porn on the internet than you could spend an entire lifetime viewing. Unless...he was using your hard-earned money to pay for interactive crap with cam women? That, you'd have to pay for.

 

What a loser. Who lets his wife completely support his lazy ass while he blows her money on porn? Disgusting.

 

Your expectations aren't even in this guy's realm. He's so far below even the most MINIMAL expectations any human being would have that you might as well be shooting for the moon.

 

Why do you say that you'd be scared to be on your own? For all intents and purposes, you've BEEN on your own for about 10 years now.

[Qboro90]

Ugh. You supported him for 8 LONG years just so he could graduate college and have a freakin YouTube channel? Seriously?? That was money well spent.

 

Well let's see...he had no problem letting YOU carry the load for 8 long years while he got that YouTube diploma and jerked off to internet porn that YOU paid for. By the by, I'd be wanting my money back from whatever college YOU paid for him to go to because they didn't do such a good job teaching him much. Any IDIOT knows there's more FREE porn on the internet than you could spend an entire lifetime viewing. Unless...he was using your hard-earned money to pay for interactive crap with cam women? That, you'd have to pay for.

 

What a loser. Who lets his wife completely support his lazy ass while he blows her money on porn? Disgusting.

 

Your expectations aren't even in this guy's realm. He's so far below even the most MINIMAL expectations any human being would have that you might as well be shooting for the moon.

 

Why do you say that you'd be scared to be on your own? For all intents and purposes, you've BEEN on your own for about 10 years now.

 

Whoa... Little hostile. I'm not saying her husband is Prince Charming but just because his "dream" isn't conventional, doesn't make him a total loser. Have any idea how many people with YouTube channels make over 6 figures a year? It's insane how many people make a living off that. Now this guy might not have reached that level but who's to say he can't?

 

Plus, from all the OP has said, her husband is supporting her in her effort to chase her dream now. Sure they are just getting by, but he hasn't told her she needs to stop pursuing the art career and get a real job once.

 

I don't think she should stay with him for the reasons I listed in my previous post but it seems like you sometimes jump to elaborate the evilness in men very quickly. Unnecessary. He might not be the best husband or financial provider but he's not a womanizing abusive creep either

[MJJean]

Why can't you both work conventional jobs so you can get in better financial shape while pursuing your dreams on the side?

[salparadise]

It sounds like to me that you want to have your cake and eat it too. Why don't you start producing art that sells?

Edited November 29, 2015 by salparadise