How to pursue a professional colleague who lives 1000 miles away?

[RoosterFrame]

Hi All. Here’s my situation.

 

Recently, I had an unexpected reconnection with an old colleague who lives 1,000 miles away and there were romantic sparks (at least for me). Below is the backstory. Any advice on how to proceed (esp. someone with personal experience or female perspective) would be appreciated and valued. Thanks in advance.

 

Me – 32yoM ; Her – 33yoF. Both of us single, never married/no kids/highly driven and busy professionals.

 

7 years ago I was a speaker at a conference where I met this woman. We connected after my session and stayed together for the rest of the day conversing effortlessly and enthusiastically. We have the same ethnic heritage and initially connected over that but we had no problems covering a wide range of topics for the remainder of the day. We exchanged contact information and became Facebook friends. There was definitely a “more than colleagues” connection but I didn’t give it much thought other than being grateful to have connected with a colleague. I also found her very attractive but I was involved with someone at the time and dismissed any possibility of romance.

 

We both got into different fields and lost touch. Then, we reconnected a year and a half ago about something related to travel to the country where our parents are from. It was a great phone call and lasted about a half hour but it was about said issue with light catch up and that was it.

 

About 6 weeks ago, she posted an articled she had written on Facebook that I liked and commented on (I rarely do to this to anyone unless I mean it). She immediately responded and suggested we catch up soon. I texted her the next day and didn’t hear back and I honestly didn’t expect to. Two weeks ago, she texted me out of the blue apologizing and explained that the “past two months had been a whirlwind” and asked when we could catch up.

We finally spoke on the phone last week. The call went for over 2 hours on a weeknight on which we both had to work the next day. It seemed to me to be more than colleagues catching up.

 

Here’s a few things she said during that call…

“Are you sure you’re not a Libra?” followed by lots of giggling

“In our hypersexual culture, I feel like relationships focus only on the physical. I want something with that type of intellectual connection that those two [referring to a story she had written] had. That's way more important to me.”

“Are you going to be at ABC conference? Or what about XYZ conference? It’d be really good to see you in person!”

“You should watch this documentary! You have to let me know what you think about, okay?”

 

I actually was traveling for work on the east coast and would be passing through her city 6 days after our phone call. So, after some schedule finagling on both of our part we arranged to meet for dinner this past Tuesday. I went into the meeting with no expectations. I hadn’t seen her in 7 years and it could easily be a simple catch up or opportunity to discuss collaborating, etc. The “meeting” went for over THREE AND A HALF HOURS. The 10 minutes was light catch up. The first hour we asked each other questions about our families. The second hour we discussed shared interests, life experiences, and professional passions. The last hour we discussed our ideas on what a healthy relationship looked like in depth (which included finishing each other’s sentences once or twice). After the bill was paid (I paid and she blushed), we stuck around for another 30-45 minutes. She had to fly to Paris the next day so I left plenty of pauses in the conversation for her to call it a night. She didn’t until the restaurant closed.

 

She had a valet at the restaurant and asked to drive me to my car 30 yards away. She droved me to my car, parked, turned her car off and got out. I made three mistakes I hope I can recover from.

 

Mistake 1) I didn’t kiss her. We hugged and agreed to stay in touch. I had no idea what the intention of the dinner was from her part, it was the first time we had seen each other in 7 years and we live 1000 miles apart and she’s committed to the city she lives in now. It would be more than a hookup between us. I had a lot to think about and I wanted to sleep on it before I decided what I wanted. I didn’t go into the dinner thinking it was a date but it evolved and after sleeping on it, I want to date her.

 

Mistake 2) I suggested we talk about collaborating on a project at some point. I hope I didn’t give off the vibe that I was just viewing our meeting as a professional/friends things.

 

Mistake 3) Using two emoticons in the morning after text message (below). Partially kidding here. We’ve used them before to each other and she uses them quite often.

 

The next morning I sent her this text:

“I had so much fun shutting the place down with you last night! Thank you for taking the time to have dinner with me. : ) I hope we can find an excuse to cross paths or have a phone call soon so we can continue the conversation. : ) Hope you have a wonderful trip to Paris!”

 

She responded with this:

“Likewise [my name]! Thank you again for dinner and for the great conversation had a wonderful time. Glad I was in town an extra day so we could connect. Absolutely, keep in touch and keep me posted on how everything progresses with all the projects you're working on. Have a wonderful thanksgiving with your family, look forward to speaking more soon!”

 

My questions:

1) On a scale of 1-10, how bad were my mistakes given the circumstances?

 

2) After some thought, I like her and I want to pursue her regardless of the situation. How does one go about smoothly pursuing her + vocalizing intentions with a colleague who lives 1000 miles away without putting pressure on her? I feel like two professionals trying to begin dating from 1000 miles away automatically creates a sense of pressure given the required initial investment and consequences if it works out.

 

3) How soon should I reach out to her? We exchanged text messages on Wednesday and she’s in Paris working for another few days.

[basil67]

I guess you keep talking with her and gauge if she's interested in a very long distance relationship. No matter how well you get on, she may not be interested in dating someone who lives so far away.

[RoosterFrame]

I agree, basil67. Because I feel the same way.

 

That said, the few times we've connected, there's been more chemistry than anyone I've met in person. I've always dismissed it because of distance.

 

Based on our conversations, I gather that she's nearing the point where she wants to have something real. She owns a house and she's been at a steady place in her job, etc for a while. I'm at a point where I want something real and am willing and ready to pursue the right woman.

 

They say timing is everything. Does it supercede distance if everything else is clicking?

 

How would gauge whether or not she's interested in a LDR? I'm asking for advice on a step-by-step given the circumstances. I have zero experience with circumstances like this. I'd like to tastefully build on the momentum of the past couple of weeks without barging forward. Any ideas from the forum?.

Edited November 28, 2015 by RoosterFrame