So I got presumptuous, and it ended badly...

[reallyconfusedone]

I've been going out with a great guy for just less than a year. He's a lovely man, in the sense that he has good values and seemed very decent and caring. I adore him and care for him. Almost since we started going out, he'd been talking about the future, about how he wants a better job so we can have a decent life together etc etc etc. So, I think I was pretty justified in thinking this was for real - and by that I mean real about the relationship being very serious, because neither of us was thinking about (or even interested in) rings or anything yet!

 

Anyway, about two months ago I pretty much moved into his house. It happened somewhat gradually, and without any specific plans, just lots of him inviting me over, joint dinner parties hosted there, that kind of thing. Before I knew it, I had all my clothes and personal effects were there, I was buying groceries and I made it my job to clean the place every weekend (while, I note, he played computer games!). I guess I thought of it as "home", and I think that I can good reason to for the most part, although there was usually a subtle kind of communication about whether or not I would be there that night every morning. Keep in mind, this went on for months.

 

Then, the other night when I came "home", albeit without the usual invite, he acted weird and made it clear that I was intruding. He wanted a night to himself and implied I shoud leave. Okay, I can understand that. Problem is, all my stuff was there, whcih meant I had to pack up before I could go back to the my other house! The next night, he phoned to say he was still feeling like alone time - although this time it was probably encouraged by my stunned sulkiness the night before. At that, I stated my problem, and he seemed both hurt and shocked. It immediately became clear that that's how he assumed the relationship would be - I would be there at his house when he wanted me, but make myself scare when he didn't (or, indeed, when I didn't want to be there). Now, in fairness to him, he never expressly invited me to move in and he didn't mislead me or anything - I assumed it was what he wanted, which I had no right to do, so the problem is largely my own fault. But I can't fathom why he went along with with me being so stupid and presumptious if he had never wanted me to move in, or how he could have reasonably thought I would be okay with that arrangement.

 

Anyway, I've decided to move back to my place, and we'll try to resume "dating" in the sense of seeing each other once or twice a week so that there's no more confusion in the future. We agreed to make a date some time next week for me to move out my stuff and we probably won't talk to each other till then. I still love him very much, and I'm horribly upset by how it ended, but I'm not sure whether we can get over this kind of stumble. I so embarrassed that I'm not even sure that I can speak with him again. I absolutely do not want to embarrass him or come across as clingy, and I hate leaving things hanging with bad vibes between us, but neither am I prepared to continue the relationship along those terms. I'm also not sure whether it would be better to call him, and ask which day is best to get my stuff, and therefore look like a bitch, or to let it go and see if he calls me, and if he doesn't to eventually organise some way to pick up my stuff when it will be least embarrassing for the both of us.

[LucreziaBorgia]

But I can't fathom why he went along with with me being so stupid and presumptious if he had never wanted me to move in, or how he could have reasonably thought I would be okay with that arrangement.

 

I expect he probably couldn't find a good way to tell you that he didn't want that without hurting your feelings or disrupting the relationship - I expect you were feeling (and acting) very happy with the direction you decided to take the relationship and he didn't want to be the 'bad guy' in stopping you. So, he let it build up: his frustration with himself in not being able to tell you what he felt about it manifested itself in the form of anger and resentment toward you.

 

I don't think he wants to end things - I just think he wants to make sure they stay back the way they were before you decided to do a stealth 'move in', in a subconscious effort to bump your relationship up a notch on the 'long term commitment' ladder. He wasn't ready for what that represented, but he also wasn't ready to give up what he already has.

 

How do you look a woman in the face and say that? "I don't want what you want, but I don't want to give you up, either." - There really is no good way to say that without some feelings being hurt. I expect that for as embarrassed as you are feeling, he is feeling equally guilty for what he had to do in this case.

 

Give it time, and let things happen naturally - at this point, anything forced or too rigid at a time of uncertainty is going to kill what is left of this relationship. Let him call you. Let him know that for now, you are content with him setting the pace - and then kick back and let him set the pace until he is more comfortable with you (and you with him).