Because we want what we can't have

[oceansaway]

I'm not here for advice. I know what I need to do to end this...I think we all do but it's hard. However after 4 years of being the OW...the end is near.

 

My background is slightly different. Yes...I am the OW and have been however his wife has known of me/us since the start (yes...I've spoken to her). They kinda both have outside relationship due to their "bad" marriage. Anyhow....

 

I have asked myself for years why. Why do I tolerate getting crumbs of a relationship. The lies....lies...lies. Getting nothing in return. His claim of "love" for me is just words...no actions. Yes I have dated others...however nobody has compared to him. But WHY?!?!? It's because of the "quest" to win. We all want what we can't have.

 

We LOVE to crave our MM/MW. We want what the other already has. We spend everyday thinking about him/her...craving to be with them. But why! Why would we want someone who cheats and lies! Do we think they'd never to it to us....I think wrong.

 

I need to let go...as many of us on here are trying to do. No more lies and empty promises. We want what we can't have...but I finally starting to think I don't want him anymore. I could never trust him....I am feeling bad for his wife...really.

 

Feel free to chime in your opinions

[WakingUp]

I'm not here for advice. I know what I need to do to end this...I think we all do but it's hard. However after 4 years of being the OW...the end is near.

 

My background is slightly different. Yes...I am the OW and have been however his wife has known of me/us since the start (yes...I've spoken to her). They kinda both have outside relationship due to their "bad" marriage. Anyhow....

 

I have asked myself for years why. Why do I tolerate getting crumbs of a relationship. The lies....lies...lies. Getting nothing in return. His claim of "love" for me is just words...no actions. Yes I have dated others...however nobody has compared to him. But WHY?!?!? It's because of the "quest" to win. We all want what we can't have.

 

We LOVE to crave our MM/MW. We want what the other already has. We spend everyday thinking about him/her...craving to be with them. But why! Why would we want someone who cheats and lies! Do we think they'd never to it to us....I think wrong.

 

I need to let go...as many of us on here are trying to do. No more lies and empty promises. We want what we can't have...but I finally starting to think I don't want him anymore. I could never trust him....I am feeling bad for his wife...really.

 

Feel free to chime in your opinions

 

I find this post very insightful.

 

For me, I always thought that he was what I wanted... but the truth is, I dont want him at all. I would NEVER feel safe with that man, I know what he is capable of. The pain he can inflict on the very people he claims to love and care for, with his lies and selfish behaviour.

 

A person who claims to love you whilst knowingly destroying you (and his wife) emotionally... no thanks. NO WAY.

 

I am using this experience to learn more about myself, and why I participated in this, and ensuring that nothing even remotely similar ever happens again.

 

It feels good to be out of this very toxic and destructive situation.

 

Sending best wishes to you

[dichotomy]

Point of technicality. If the wife knows you up close and personal, and they appear to have an open marriage....is he really a cheater? Or are you?

 

Then it appears to be more of a man who will not commit to you.

 

 

I understand your situation a little from the outside. My wife, then single was involved with a older MM with a kinda similar marriage setup. She also dated others for years, while holding on to MM who she finally understood would never be "hers". Beyond a psychological need (daddy complex) he filled for her, i do believe she was drawn to the one who would not be hers.

 

How many years and how many other men have you dated? What didn't they bring? .... I believe you can and will find that right man for you, and probably best for you that you dump your MM before you find Mr. Right. My wife did not and it diminished our relationship and then marriage for her to have hung on.

[casey.lives]

Marriage to some is just an extension of high school games.. nothing scared or special... just plain games of desperation and coming on top . women who let their men cheat on them, don't get spared. she is just a worthless as the OW. If you love a man, you let him go before you ruin him OR YOU BE THE VOICE OF AGONY THAT STANDS IN HIS WAY... never succumb. We can forgive but we should never ALLOW. SELFISHNESS IS NOT LOVE!!!! your bounded by love... if you don't have boundaries, you don't have love... and that makes you equally responsible for his cheating character that is emerging. Cheating is not about wanting more...cheating isn't even about ONE person... it's about deeper issues that marriage through the mandate of God was programmed to fix. Marriage is about SOUL WORK!!!! Not a Disney play by play

Edited November 28, 2015 by casey.lives

[katielee]

What ppl should be shooting for is mature love. That involves living in the open, no secrets, building a life together- not accepting crumbs. But demanding respect. I think it involves a bit of protecting the other, always considering their feelings, holding the way you treat them as high, and also how you treat yourself. Not sure an affair involves any of that.

[oceansaway]

Point of technicality. If the wife knows you up close and personal, and they appear to have an open marriage....is he really a cheater? Or are you?

 

Then it appears to be more of a man who will not commit to you.

 

 

I understand your situation a little from the outside. My wife, then single was involved with a older MM with a kinda similar marriage setup. She also dated others for years, while holding on to MM who she finally understood would never be "hers". Beyond a psychological need (daddy complex) he filled for her, i do believe she was drawn to the one who would not be hers.

 

How many years and how many other men have you dated? What didn't they bring? .... I believe you can and will find that right man for you, and probably best for you that you dump your MM before you find Mr. Right. My wife did not and it diminished our relationship and then marriage for her to have hung on.

 

I was married many years. Post divorce is when I met MM. I suppose he (at the time ) filled a painful void.

 

I still believe when he is a cheater because he is a "cake eater". I fill a void for him in his marriage and his life. I am aware in some way feel I make his life and marriage tolerable by sticking around.

[Got it]

I am sorry the relationship has been like this for you. Not every affair is like this though. There should be actions backing the words and one should not keep paying it forward in the hopes of some future pay out.

 

I am sorry for your pain and wishing you the best.

[privategal]

I hate to admit..I can almost understand a run of the mill cake eater, the kind who loves the spouse, has a nice house, job, family...but is looking for ectra sex, ego strokes, validated...

BUT if the marriage is TRULY bad, doomed even..then I can think of no excuse not to leave for love. Ya, ya..theres the comfort excuse, but...I could never stay for money over true love and happiness.

My other thought is...if you were in the open why should he ever lie? Why the empty promise and lies if you were no secret.

[WestEndGirl]

Hmm. OP, I'm sort of in your situation, too. Two years, and the W knows about us, yet both chose to remain in the M. They have young kids, so this is understandable. Not sure if she knows, however, that it continued after she found out. That is highly doubtful.

 

It was everything else that eroded my trust in him. It was the promised phone calls that never came. The times he assured me we'd spend together that were cancelled last minute. It was the long gaps in communication. When someone assures me they'll do something, I expect it to happen. Alternately, I expect adequate notice of cancellation. If you don't know for sure that you can deliver, don't promise it; tell me "maybe" or "I'm not sure" or "perhaps". MM could not force himself to do that. "No, I promise I will this time!" Um ... please.

 

That's really why I stopped trusting him. He broke his word to me.

 

But there are other things. We met when we were in our teens, and his personality has changed a lot. He used to be very calm, focused and balanced. Now he's either 100 percent present or 100 percent scatterbrained -- it's a complete crapshoot. Always late--really late. His life is always filled with epic problems, unrelated to M and kids. Always getting involved with new activities when he already has too much on his plate. He's the kind of guy who RSVPs for four social events on the same night, goes to all of them, and enjoys none. He keeps his calendar so full, I am amazed that anyone at home ever sees him. I think he does this as a way to escape.

 

He's just ... really frenetic, anxious, volatile, and hyper in a way that often makes me feel edgy. I know am not the only one on the receiving end of this.

 

Being married to him would totally blow.

[dichotomy]

I was married many years. Post divorce is when I met MM. I suppose he (at the time ) filled a painful void.

 

I still believe when he is a cheater because he is a "cake eater". I fill a void for him in his marriage and his life. I am aware in some way feel I make his life and marriage tolerable by sticking around.

 

My wife had similar situation.

[Mr. Lucky]

I still believe when he is a cheater because he is a "cake eater". I fill a void for him in his marriage and his life.

 

This is where you get short changed. What does he do for you? He only fills a fraction of the void we all have in our desire to be loved. You complete his life, he minimizes yours...

 

Mr. Lucky