what should i do?

[Amy]

I'm wondering if any of you have ever heard of a woman being afraid of relationships. I know the jokes of some guys being afraid of commitment, but I'm a 25 year old female, and for some reason I think I'm unable to have a dating relationship with a guy.

 

I've had guys show interest in me before, and we'll become friends and go out, but if things look like they're going to progress into something more, i back off, and they lose interest. Why am i like this? I feel like i'm losing a battle with my own self! I wish i could convince myself to continue on, but i always make up a reason why it wouldn't work, and i never give them a chance. What should i do?

[Miss Mojo]

I'm wondering if any of you have ever heard of a woman being afraid of relationships.

 

ooh yeah, i've heard of this before. i don't think this is something which is characteristic of only guys or only girls. a lot of people feel this way, and it doesn't matter what age they are.

 

there are many reasons you could be afraid of having a relationship. they could be:-

 

1. you are afraid of getting hurt;

 

2. you are afraid of giving yourself emotionally to the wrong person;

 

3. you haven't yet met the right person who you want to commit to;

 

4. you don't want to limit yourself to one person when you could explore your options with others out there;

 

5. you simply aren't ready to be involved with somebody.

 

6. it could just be a stage in your life that you are at right now.

 

7. you're insecure and don't think it would last, or don't think a man would want you for a long period of time (don't scoff at this suggestion - i actually know some girls who think like this).

 

but then again, all of the above could have nothing to do with your fear of getting involved with a man.

 

i don't think there is anything wrong with being 25 and single. i'm 24 and at this point in my life, i'm scared of getting involved with someone because i don't want to get hurt. i've had a couple of relationships where i have been burned and i just don't feel ready to get involved with someone yet. but that feeling will pass i know, and it doesn't matter how old i am when i feel ready to settle.

 

in the meantime, don't think that every date has to lead to a relationship. when you meet a really, really great guy, you won't back off. i can't help but wonder if it's more likely a case that you haven't yet met that guy that really "grabs" you, so to speak.

 

by the way, don't beat yourself up about it - i won't pursue a relationship unless i am 100% sure that i want to. i'm 24 (almost 25), and i've only had 2 boyfriends, but i'm not going to stress about it. i'd rather only have had a couple of relationships than a string of them and end up even more confused!!!!

 

i don't think i've been much help here, but i know that other (more experienced) people than me will have some good advice to offer you

[Tony T]

Give yourself some time. Yes, you may be afraid of lots of things about a relationship. But time fixes things.

 

When you meet the RIGHT guy, you won't back off quite so fast. It just takes time. Be patient with yourself...and listen to what Miss Mojo had to say above.

[Amy]

in the meantime, don't think that every date has to lead to a relationship.

 

I think this has been my problem! When i'm out with someone, I'm usually wondering how i'm going to tell him that i'm not interested. I'm so afraid of hurting them, that i don't enjoy myself. And if i feel like nothing's going to come of it, i figure, what's the point in pursuing this?

 

You made me feel better when you said you don't go out with a guy unless you're 100% sure you want to. I guess I was just wondering if there was anything wrong with that logic, cause that's what i've been doing. My sister has told me i'm too picky, but i just want to make sure i don't settle for someone who's not right for me. And i have another friend who told me i was scared of a relationship, which is where i got the idea. I think i'd rather be alone than be with someone who was only 50% right for me.

 

I guess i just want to be reassured that i'm not being too picky. I just want to get it right.

 

Thanks for your input miss mojo, you helped alot.

[Miss Mojo]

I think i'd rather be alone than be with someone who was only 50% right for me.

 

YES!!!!! that's exactly how i feel, amy. i see so many of my friends get involved with people half-heartedly, and i think "why are you doing this?". for example, one of my friends is dating a guy now and he is TOTALLY RAPT in her. she told me, "i don't see us as a long-term thing, give us a year or so and i will want to settle with someone else". that is so unfair on him. she has already broken his heart once, and she will do it again. part of me feels like telling him what she said, but i won't because it's not my place to stick my nose in someone else's business.

 

i have actually had friends mock me for wanting to be alone, but to be honest, i don't give a rat's arse (that's actually how i earned the nicknamee "born-again virgin".) it's also a sign that i'm secure enough in myself to not need just any guy. i couldn't imagine just having ANY guy. how does that make a person happy, settling for second best? there are no laws or rules saying we have to be in a relationship. that's why i don't listen to my friends

 

I guess i just want to be reassured that i'm not being too picky. I just want to get it right.

 

i'm picky amy, and i know it. it's only because i want to get it right.

 

when i say i'm picky, what i mean is i won't date a guy who doesn't want a long-term relationship. that is what i want and i won't settle for anything casual or short-term because i will only get hurt. i also have to really "click" with a guy before i get involved. the 2 boyfriends i have had, i clicked with instantly - that's how i knew. and they both wanted to be serious too. i don't mean to sound conceited, but there are a lot of guys who have shown interest in me, but i'm just not the kind of person to lap it up. i get along great with a lot of people, but i have to have that certain something between us to pursue it.

 

Thanks for your input miss mojo, you helped alot.

 

that's ok, amy. just remember, there's nothing wrong with being on your own for whatever length of time. i'd rather be single for a year to two than keep settling for situations that aren't really what i want. sure, i get lonely, i get bored, i feel left out (so many of my friends are in relationships). but at least that way, no one gets hurt and at least that way, i will be 100% sure when mr right comes along