Where can I find relationship-minded men?

[shoplocal]

And how can I attract them?

 

A bit about me: mid-30s, fat, enthusiastic, quirky, a bit reserved. Basically, a a textbook introvert who enjoys people. I'm willing to go out into the world and mingle, if there will be men wherever it is I'm going. I've tried meeting people through my friends and through my own interests; both have clearly not panned out. I know looks are what grab a man's attention, but given a bit more time than the handful of seconds it takes to be looked at, I do believe my personality levels the playing field.

 

Right now I'm in the process of wrapping up some professional and volunteer commitments, so I'm kind of planning for late December/January to begin making changes. I know weight loss is the #1 thing a woman can do, so that's my #1 priority, but honestly -- I'm pretty fat. So I need other selling points while my weight comes down. I live in a city, which means more men -- but also more competition. I'm not interested in casual/multi/serial dating at my age, though I'm not necessarily looking for a husband. Perhaps something in between.

 

Is this realistic, or should I not go out of my way to meet anyone until my weight comes down?

[LooperDooper]

I may not be as experienced in the dating world as you are, but from your post alone I already sense a very confident woman. That's it. I know looks are the big first moment, especially in a city, but honestly I think you need to approach men who you see more often vs. random people. Frankly, people are shallow and if you haven't been as lucky, maybe try meeting people within the volunteer organization or within the weightloss program. Maybe people need to see the real personality which doesn't happen in one sitting and that's how you might meet somebody not so shallow. Just my two cents.

[AspenBaldwin]

You should try the Amish community.

[oldshirt]

And how can I attract them?

 

A bit about me: mid-30s, fat, enthusiastic, quirky, a bit reserved. Basically, a a textbook introvert who enjoys people. I'm willing to go out into the world and mingle, if there will be men wherever it is I'm going. I've tried meeting people through my friends and through my own interests; both have clearly not panned out. I know looks are what grab a man's attention, but given a bit more time than the handful of seconds it takes to be looked at, I do believe my personality levels the playing field.

 

Right now I'm in the process of wrapping up some professional and volunteer commitments, so I'm kind of planning for late December/January to begin making changes. I know weight loss is the #1 thing a woman can do, so that's my #1 priority, but honestly -- I'm pretty fat. So I need other selling points while my weight comes down. I live in a city, which means more men -- but also more competition. I'm not interested in casual/multi/serial dating at my age, though I'm not necessarily looking for a husband. Perhaps something in between.

 

Is this realistic, or should I not go out of my way to meet anyone until my weight comes down?

 

I probably come off sounding like an a$$ on these boards quite a bit but it's not because I am mean spirited or want to hurt anyone's feelings but rather because I say it how I see it without sugarcoating or fluffing things up.

 

 

So I will ask a question here first, how overweight are you?? Give some objective numbers. Saying you are "fat" really tells us nothing. I used to work in a facility that treated people with eating disorders and 95lb women would sit there with tears in their eyes and be serious as a heart attack as they would tell their story on how terrible their lives were because of their obesity and how wonder life will be once they lose the weight.

 

 

So give us some objective facts and figures, how over weight are you?

 

 

The reason I ask is this, if you are 15 lbs overweight then you obviously have other issues that are holding you back.

 

 

If you are 100 or more lbs overweight then all of your resources and all of your time and energies need to be put towards getting a handle on your health. Not for dating purposes but so that you can actually survive and function and not keel over dead before your time.

[oldshirt]

That being said, I do think no one should ever "wait" for anything. The time to start pursuing a goal and to start taking steps towards it is always now.

 

 

While losing weight should be towards the top of your priority list (assuming you are significantly and legitimately overweight) that should not stop you from getting out and associating with people and expanding your social circles and pursuing other passions and hobbies and advancing yourself professionally etc etc.

 

 

otherwise assuming you are fat, if you focus solely on weight loss and don't do anything to develop your social and interpersonal skills, the day may come that you are skinny.......but then you will be a shy, awkward, introverted skinny person that is still as inexperienced as you are now.

 

 

Now I will concede that being a skinny, shy, introverted woman will afford you more opportunities that a fat, shy, introverted woman to be sure.

 

 

But that actually creates another phenomenon in people who have drastic weight loss that do not develop their interpersonal during their weight loss. And that is that once they do lose the weight and do start getting attention and opportunity from the opposite sex, instead of being delighted and appreciative of their newfound opportunities, they can become bitter and contemptuous.

 

 

Why?? - because they get angered that the people that ignored them when they were fat are now schmoozing them and pursuing them even though they are still the same person inside.

 

 

If you continue to develop your interpersonal skills and continue to interact with people during your weight loss, you're able to keep things in a little more perspective and realize that some people are ok with overweight people, some it's not a big deal one weigh or the other, and for other people being a healthy weight is critical and deal breaker.

 

 

And another phenomenon that people encounter during significant weight loss is that they may gain some opportunities but lose others. In other words, they will actually lose some relationships.

 

 

they may lose their circle of overweight friends that hits the doughnut shop every day after work or their more sedentary friends will feel neglected and abandoned when you are now skipping Starbucks with them to spend hours at the gym.

 

 

So all in all, it is important to continue to be as social and as active and involved as you can while working towards weight loss.

 

 

cont....

[salparadise]

Speaking frankly, and assuming you're significantly overweight, and confident that you can change that through discipline and force of will... I'd say wait until you lose at least some of it.

 

Why? Because men that prefer seriously overweight women are as rare as hen's teeth. It might not be hard to find a guy who will overlook it long enough to have sex, but if you want a relationship you'll probably have to find someone who's willing to settle... and that means he will have some kind of deficit that precludes his attracting a woman he's actually attracted to. So you both settle. Not good.

 

There are exceptions. But if you get hitched up with a man who's attracted to overweight women what do you do? Remain overweight to make him happy or lose the weight and hope he'll settle for a new thinner you?

[SwordofFlame]

Your post is asking where to find relationship-minded men. Does that mean you don't have trouble finding guys for one night stands and FWBs? If so, you're not THAT fat and your weight probably isn't a major problem.

[oldshirt]

now here is the caveat to my last post and here is the big catch -

 

 

For the people that truly went from morbidly obese (which we don't know if you fall into that category or not) to truly fit and vigorous - through all of that out the window and delved into the weightloss to the to a fervent degree and did in fact risk the loss of their fat and sendentary buddies and did lose friendships and did become solely focused on diet and exercise.

 

 

The people that experience 100lb + wieghtloss through nonsurgical means did not follow the medical communities recommendations of 2lb loss per week or 30 minutes of vigorous exercise a day most days of the week.

 

 

The people that truly went from fat to fit, risked it all and put everything into it.

 

 

And most of them did it not to get dates per se but because they simply got pissed off to the point they couldn't take it anymore.

 

 

They got to the point where the pain and hardships of being obese, outweighed the pain and hardship of eating vegatables instead of pies and brownies and the pain and hardship of busting their ass in the gym for hours a day.

 

 

At the end of their journey, many did get more dates and more opportunities and did get relationships with other attractive and fit people, but it did come at a price.

[oldshirt]

Your post is asking where to find relationship-minded men. Does that mean you don't have trouble finding guys for one night stands and FWBs? If so, you're not THAT fat and your weight probably isn't a major problem.

 

Not exactly true.

 

 

Lots of guys will do the fat chick at closing time but want nothing more to do with her the next day. Over weight women often have the same purely-sexual opportunities and often have relatively close to the same number of sexual partners etc as their skinnier peers.

 

 

The difference is in the opportunities and options for relationships.

 

 

Fit, healthy attractive women have vastly more options and opportunities for relationships with quality men than morbidly obese women. But there are always horny pervs at closing time that will have ONSs with an overweight woman.

[shoplocal]

Wow, thanks for all the feedback!!! You're all really helpful. Some answers to your questions:

 

-I'm genuinely fat. I could lose 40-140 pounds, to be sexy fat or normal weight, respectively. Right now I'm shooting fro the 40, not the least because impatiently_patient is spot on -- I've lost weight before and gained it back and then some every time. Boo.

 

-Building on his point, I am 100% fine with fat men! The few I meet are taken, or only date non-fat women. I have a chubby friend who I'm crazy about, but he only dates rail thin women, afaict. Also boo. But I do have my eyes open for the bigger guys!

 

-LooperDooper, I am quite a confident person...except when it comes to men and dating, hah. I've got some outreach events coming up, it's not necessarily long interactions with the public, but my personality shines through in that setting (it has to, it's outreach!).

 

-oldshirt: You are so smart!!! Thank you!!! I'm a little nervous making my weight loss the focus of my life, and that could be why I've failed to keep off previous weight loss. I've always been 'too busy' with my hobbies and interests...but they don't keep me company like a person could. :-p I doubt I'd lose my friends; I've never had a fat friend (I *am* the fat friend), but you never know. Thank you again for chiming in!!!

[salparadise]

I'm a little nervous making my weight loss the focus of my life, and that could be why I've failed to keep off previous weight loss. I've always been 'too busy' with my hobbies and interests...

 

 

The reason you've failed to maintain weight loss in the past is that you return to the same old lifestyle that caused you to be overweight to begin with. If you look at it as a lifestyle change (permanent) rather than the "focus of your life" (temporarily) you will maintain a healthy weight, and it won't seem like a major sacrifice.

 

My girlfriend is thin. Not abnormally thin but she looks good. It's easy for me to see the difference between her habits, how she relates to food vs. myself (I'm a few lbs. over) and other women I've dated. She does not diet; she just has good habits and a good, rational relationship with food. Here is what I see:

 

- portion control, one reasonably sized plate of food per meal

- virtually no snacking between meals

- no binging, few empty calories

- limits pure sugar intake, as in sodas, candy, added to coffee

- walks 3-4 miles several times per week; goes for 10k steps/day (fitbit)

 

But she doesn't make any big sacrifices- she does have the occasional between meal snack, coca-cola, and sugary dessert. Her mindset is that healthy habits are better, not that she's giving up something valuable.

 

I am dropping lbs. just be emulating her a little... more walking, less sugar, quitting before I feel stuffed. It's not that hard if you get your head in the right place. But old habits are hard to break, esp. eating habits, so it probably will feel like a sacrifice for awhile... but when you begin to identify with it as your chosen lifestyle it's no longer a sacrifice, it's the new more congruent you.

 

40-140 lbs is quite a range. How much do you need to lose to get to the upper limit "normal" BMI for your height and age? You should probably be realistic in terms of what you're shooting for.

 

I realize it's not easy; definitely more so for some than others. But the thing is that it's not some magical, mysterious thing... it's just behavioral stuff- consciously making little choices that are in your own best interest, day in-day out. For many, unlinking elbow exercise from their coping mechanism is key.

 

Anyway- I think you'll be so much happier when you take control of it all, and I think that for healthier relationship you'll do much better when you can choose from the larger pool of eligible men.

[Vilgefoz]

And how can I attract them?

 

A bit about me: mid-30s, fat, enthusiastic, quirky, a bit reserved. Basically, a a textbook introvert who enjoys people. I'm willing to go out into the world and mingle, if there will be men wherever it is I'm going. I've tried meeting people through my friends and through my own interests; both have clearly not panned out. I know looks are what grab a man's attention, but given a bit more time than the handful of seconds it takes to be looked at, I do believe my personality levels the playing field.

 

Right now I'm in the process of wrapping up some professional and volunteer commitments, so I'm kind of planning for late December/January to begin making changes. I know weight loss is the #1 thing a woman can do, so that's my #1 priority, but honestly -- I'm pretty fat. So I need other selling points while my weight comes down. I live in a city, which means more men -- but also more competition. I'm not interested in casual/multi/serial dating at my age, though I'm not necessarily looking for a husband. Perhaps something in between.

 

Is this realistic, or should I not go out of my way to meet anyone until my weight comes down?

 

You know I really like you. You admitted that body shape IS important and not trying to find lead-to-gold formula by trying to "figure out your personality amd why it does not work".

 

Yeah, loosing fat is difficult process particularly if you have been fat for a lot time. Invest a lot of money, time and effort to it... or accept men who are not picky... (you know what I mean).

 

DO NOT DO IT BY YOURSELF! If you are really fat as you say, getting in shape will be much more painful you can even now imagine. Pay for the best coach and trainers you can afford and also, read this - STRENGTH SENSEI | Official Website for Charles R Poliquin : Strength Training, Nutrition, Articles, Books, Motivation, Supplementation . I mean it. If there is place where you can get TRU and RELIABLE info, it is here. Do not even try to follow "these 5 steps to get you in shape in 2 weeks" and similar bull**** found in women magasine. Really, you need professional help now.

 

(Hey, I am not trying to scare you, only preparing you for the real world).

 

Best luck!

[oldshirt]

Wow, thanks for all the feedback!!! You're all really helpful. Some answers to your questions:

 

-I'm genuinely fat. I could lose 40-140 pounds, to be sexy fat or normal weight, respectively. Right now I'm shooting fro the 40, not the least because impatiently_patient is spot on -- I've lost weight before and gained it back and then some every time. Boo.

 

-Building on his point, I am 100% fine with fat men! The few I meet are taken, or only date non-fat women. I have a chubby friend who I'm crazy about, but he only dates rail thin women, afaict. Also boo. But I do have my eyes open for the bigger guys!

 

-LooperDooper, I am quite a confident person...except when it comes to men and dating, hah. I've got some outreach events coming up, it's not necessarily long interactions with the public, but my personality shines through in that setting (it has to, it's outreach!).

 

-oldshirt: You are so smart!!! Thank you!!! I'm a little nervous making my weight loss the focus of my life, and that could be why I've failed to keep off previous weight loss. I've always been 'too busy' with my hobbies and interests...but they don't keep me company like a person could. :-p I doubt I'd lose my friends; I've never had a fat friend (I *am* the fat friend), but you never know. Thank you again for chiming in!!!

 

 

 

you are going to have to wake up.

 

 

140 lbs overweight is in the life threatening/life impacting medical condition category.

 

 

This isn't about getting prettier so you can date better. This isn't something you order from Jenny Craig so you can squeeze into a bride's maids dress in a month.

 

 

This is a serious, life threatening and life impacting medical condition that will require legitimate evaluation, intervention, prescribed treatment and ongoing medical supervision and lifestyle modification from a board certified bariatric physician.

 

 

This is how you need to change your mindset - what would you do if you found out you had cancer?

 

 

Would you be "too busy" scrapbooking and volunteering at the community center to see an oncologist? Would you skip your chemo and radiation appointments because you were going to a luncheon with your girlfriends??

 

 

If you had cancer you would focus all of your time, energies and efforts to treating the cancer and trying to survive and lead a productive life.

 

 

You need to give weight loss the same focus and efforts. start looking at the fat as cancer and treat it as such.

 

 

Find a board certified bariatric clinic and get a thorough assessment and evaluation and follow your prescribed treatment plan to the letter. You will probably even be a candidate for gastric bypass surgery and that surgery is no joke and it is no walk in the park.

 

 

This is not about aesthetics and how to look hot for the boys. This is about a medical condition that negatively affects all areas of you life and will hamper your basic functioning as a human being and will eventually shorten your lifespan with a whole host of other medical conditions such as heart disease, diabetes, hypertension, cancer, pulmonary disease etc etc.

 

 

Treat this as you would cancer and worry about the dating when you are a healthy, fully functioning person. If finding a quality life partner is what motivates you to address this condition, then so be it.

[oldshirt]

so to address your original question on where you can find relationship-oriented men - there isn't a place.

 

 

Relationship oriented men aren't stashed away somewhere or hiding out in some mythical place that one takes an epic quest to discover.

 

 

the quest is to be a healthy and vigorous person that someone will want to have a relationship with.

 

 

There are over 3 billion men on the planet and with the exception of a tiny tiny few that truly do not want to have any kind of partnership with a woman, the vast vast majority of men do want to have a special someone in their lives.

 

 

But being 140 lbs overweight is going to be a severe handicap to that process.

 

 

Again, look at it like cancer. Would you be attracted to and enter into a relationship with a man suffering from cancer who is 90 lbs of skin and bone and bald and sunken in and a look of pallor?? No, you wouldn't.

 

 

You may have compassion and empathy for them, but you wouldn't have any animal attraction to them and you wouldn't want to enter into a full-service relationship with them because you know they wouldn't be vigorous enough to life a full life and they may gone shortly.

 

 

being 140 lbs overweight has the same effect.

 

 

Now here's the flip side to my cancer victim analogy. Lets say that person goes through hell and back and through chemo and radiation and lifestyle modification etc etc he beats the cancer and comes out the other side as a survivor and is now healthy and vigorous. Now how would you feel about him?

 

 

Now not only does he look good and is healthy and vigorous, but don't you even have a little bit higher degree of respect and admiration considering the hell he went through and came out on top and prevailed?

 

 

I think the same principle may apply here as well. I think there are people out there that will respect someone that took charge of her health and well being and took the steps necessary to be responsible and go through the work and effort and challenges to regain her health in spite of all of the challenges and hardships.

 

 

Relationship-oriented men aren't in a place. They are everywhere. They are just looking for someone special that catches their attention that they want to have a relationship with.

[shoplocal]

you are going to have to wake up.

 

 

140 lbs overweight is in the life threatening/life impacting medical condition category.

 

 

This isn't about getting prettier so you can date better. This isn't something you order from Jenny Craig so you can squeeze into a bride's maids dress in a month.

 

 

This is a serious, life threatening and life impacting medical condition that will require legitimate evaluation, intervention, prescribed treatment and ongoing medical supervision and lifestyle modification from a board certified bariatric physician.

 

 

This is how you need to change your mindset - what would you do if you found out you had cancer?

 

 

Would you be "too busy" scrapbooking and volunteering at the community center to see an oncologist? Would you skip your chemo and radiation appointments because you were going to a luncheon with your girlfriends??

 

 

If you had cancer you would focus all of your time, energies and efforts to treating the cancer and trying to survive and lead a productive life.

 

 

You need to give weight loss the same focus and efforts. start looking at the fat as cancer and treat it as such.

 

 

Find a board certified bariatric clinic and get a thorough assessment and evaluation and follow your prescribed treatment plan to the letter. You will probably even be a candidate for gastric bypass surgery and that surgery is no joke and it is no walk in the park.

 

 

This is not about aesthetics and how to look hot for the boys. This is about a medical condition that negatively affects all areas of you life and will hamper your basic functioning as a human being and will eventually shorten your lifespan with a whole host of other medical conditions such as heart disease, diabetes, hypertension, cancer, pulmonary disease etc etc.

 

 

Treat this as you would cancer and worry about the dating when you are a healthy, fully functioning person. If finding a quality life partner is what motivates you to address this condition, then so be it.

 

 

Just a teeensy weensy note -- while I'm obviously not fit, I'm not unhealthy -- good cholesterol, low BP, good resting heart rate, etc. Not all fat people are about to keel over and die from being fat. Yes, it would be aesthetically better to be thinner and it would be easier to exercise at a lower weight, but ... I wouldn't equate the current state of my health to having, and ignoring, cancer.

 

Anyhoo, I do appreciate the tips. Losing weight and not putting obstacles in the way of my progress is clearly the most important thing I can do to attract relationship-minded men, moreso than going anywhere particular or engaging in particular activities. Honestly, this is a relief! I'd rather lose weight than socialize with an ulterior motive.

[xxoo]

And how can I attract them?

 

A bit about me: mid-30s, fat, enthusiastic, quirky, a bit reserved. Basically, a a textbook introvert who enjoys people. I'm willing to go out into the world and mingle, if there will be men wherever it is I'm going. I've tried meeting people through my friends and through my own interests; both have clearly not panned out. I know looks are what grab a man's attention, but given a bit more time than the handful of seconds it takes to be looked at, I do believe my personality levels the playing field.

 

Are you not getting more than that handful of seconds when meeting people through friends and interests?

 

Relationship-minded men spend time among men and women, singles and couples and families. I'd continue investing in those sorts of social opportunities and work on being more attractive. Do you get your flirt on? Dress attractively? Step up the girly grooming, wear clothes that you feel great in, put on some heels, and work that room!

[oldshirt]

Just a teeensy weensy note -- while I'm obviously not fit, I'm not unhealthy -- good cholesterol, low BP, good resting heart rate, etc. Not all fat people are about to keel over and die from being fat. Yes, it would be aesthetically better to be thinner and it would be easier to exercise at a lower weight, but ... I wouldn't equate the current state of my health to having, and ignoring, cancer.

.

 

 

 

Like I said in my first post, I am not mean spirited or trying to hurt anyone's feelings but I do say it the way I see it without fluff, sugarcoating or blowing sunshine up anyone's back side. I want you to succeed and if that means thumping you upside the head with some tough love and a reality check, that's what I'll do.

 

 

Saying you have good cholesterol and BP is denial and a justification you are fooling yourself with. You are morbidly and medically obese. You are in a pathological state.

 

 

You are still young enough that your body is still able to make compensations but how long do you think that is going to last?? All people that are 140 lbs overweight ARE unhealthy and WILL eventually have chronic health problems such as diabetes, heart disease etc etc.

 

 

You are getting away with it for this moment because you are still young. That is not going to last.

 

 

Giving this the attention and focus you would for cancer is not an exaggeration.

 

 

This is a health, longevity and quality of life issue. It's not just an aesthetics and beauty issue.

[oldshirt]

Honestly, this is a relief! I'd rather lose weight than socialize with an ulterior motive.

 

 

 

Now I will give you some deserved credit here on this statement. That is a very good way to look at it and there is some good wisdom there.

 

 

If you can get a grasp on your health and vitality and start living a healthy and vigorous lifestyle. That in and of itself will dramatically improve your attractiveness. If you are an attractive person, you won't need "ulterior motives" or parlor tricks to get somebody.

[aprilisi]

I feel your pain. I'm a big girl. Losing weight has helped me get more dates....and I gotta say its fun rejecting men who once rejected me. Some with cruel words and insults...but I'm still fat and have a long way to go. And it kills me to see women my size or bigger in relationships.

 

I head out to book stores....pet shops. Lots of single men. Even the frozen food aisle. I've been approached a few times in electronics stores. Auto parts stores. Nothing has ever come of this except for a 20 year old asking out. I was 36 at the time. But I see it as a good thing. Getting out and talking to men, becoming more confident.

[shoplocal]

Are you not getting more than that handful of seconds when meeting people through friends and interests?

 

Relationship-minded men spend time among men and women, singles and couples and families. I'd continue investing in those sorts of social opportunities and work on being more attractive. Do you get your flirt on? Dress attractively? Step up the girly grooming, wear clothes that you feel great in, put on some heels, and work that room!

 

Hah, good point! I do get more than a few seconds in normal situations. I must admit I don't flirt, because I assume no one finds me attractive. I dress pretty well, but there's always room for improvement. I am cracking up at your last statement for some reason I'm hearing someone sassy say that to me, like Wendy Williams or something.