Interpreting ex's signals - don't know

[figureitout]

Hi all. I'd like to get the opinion of members as to what I am experiencing. I am male, in my 40s who was dating a recently divorced mother of two who is in her 30s. Opinions from women would be most helpful though hearing from guys who have undergone the same experience is more than welcome.

 

The relationship was as close to perfect as could be until I had to travel away for work on a stint that took about seven months. I came back and saw her and the kids about every two weeks but after 4.5 months in things became strained as she was getting sick of my being away and due to stress from the job and feeling detached we started arguing alot.

 

Month 5 found us arguing quite a bit and she wanted a break. I, of course, tried everything in my power to assure her things were good, the arguing was a result of stress and that I was coming home soon. We had good conversations and we had bad ones. I saw her every few weeks for a couple days until I finally moved back in month 7.

 

The day I moved back she told me we were over. Four days later she called me, came over and we made love and somewhat made up. Her issue at this point was a feeling that now that I was back she was going to have to give up her friends and life she created while I was away which I assured her was not the case.

 

Needless to say we had a pretty tumultuous 3 months during our attempts to reconnect. We argued alot, took around 3 breaks, but never for more than 3 to 4 days at a time.

 

Then things calmed. We seemed to reconnect. We had an almost perfect two months until we got into a fight which seemed to bring back all the old feelings in her that our life together was becoming stressful and too much given her already hectic schedule. Here was a typical fight - We would disagree on something, I would get heated (which I never did before I had to go away, something changed in me which I believe was due to the stress), she would ignore me for a day, I would get pissed at her ignoring me so when she would re-contact me and act like nothing every happened I would get short because I wanted things resolved, she would then ignore me for a day again and if more than a day I would get upset and take her things to her which she saw as a drain, put us back in break mode and I would come around and apologize profusely, offer up reasons for acting the way that I did and try and provide ideas as to solutions. Writing it out like this makes it appear that much more ridiculous.

 

So anyway, after our last fight and that series of events, I attempted to make amends but she said she wasn't sure if she could. I asked her to give us another chance and she said she didn't know.

 

Here is what has transpired since over the last 6 weeks since the fight:

 

1. I pleaded to give us another go and she told me she didn't know

 

2. A week after I was trying to make up her daughter told her she really missed me which made her even more anxious about us because, being divorced, she was afraid of the kids becoming too attached just to have another male figure removed from their life if things didn't work out.

 

3. She started talking about being confused on many levels - did we rush into things (we dated for close to two years), should she have dated more people between her date of seperation and the day we met, should she have taken time to just sleep around (subsequent conversation showed she couldn't 'sleep around' because she gets emotionally attached to those she has sex with), if we don't make this the last time and give another chance then when do we actually call it quits, is she better off just being alone, etc.

 

4. During this time she refuses to kiss me because she says doing so would create confusion for her. She also stopped saying I love you because she said saying so creates confusion on her part.

 

5. She does say I love you every now and again if I say it though she has said it a few times first.

 

6. Things got out of control with me for a couple of those weeks where I was sending emails and texts almost daily talking about how much she meant to me, that my desire to be with her was not just out of my love for her but rather the impact she had on me throughout the relationship, dissecting what transpired during the last two months of my being away and the first few months I was back, offering up solutions, words of encouragement about the person she is, remembering good times, etc. Nothing out of anger. All came from a position of my trying to be patient and understanding.

 

7. Finally last Monday she told me A. The emails and texts about us are too much, way too much and B. That we are not together right now.

 

In regards to A. I admit, I may have gone overboard with my correspondence but I was grasping at anything and everything in attempts to figure out the situation because she wouldn't really have any in depth discussions with me except every so often.

 

In regards to B - Does "right now" mean anything?

 

She also said to me recently "whatever this is we are going through" in relation to a discussion we were having about an old ex from her far distant (10+ years) past reaching out to her on facebook ie exact conversation - "his reaching out is bizarre yes but its just a coincidence that we are in the middle of whatever this is and he sends a friend request." Conversation was ended with "I am happy to report that my initial reaction was sadness. Sadness for him that all these years later he's stuck in the same miserable life. That's something that I can't respect so don't worry about any rekindling of any sort. I'm going to bed. I hope you had a good flight. I also hope this conversation has been settled." I later apologized about my initial reaction at the shock of seeing it and she thanks me and said that she wished I would just have asked instead of assumed and made accusations (of note is that her and I had spoken alot about this guy during our relationship as he was essentially the one that got away but that was over 10 years ago and he is now married with a kid and it was just really odd that he randomly reached out all these years later).

 

8. Every once in awhile we would have a great discussion about us and what had transpired. Usually when we met in person but sometimes over text. It was after such discussions she would tell me she loved me but when I asked for another chance based on what we had discussed her answer was always "I don't know" "I'm not ready yet" and once in awhile "i'm scared"

 

9. I have asked her to get together and she did invite me to thanksgiving (though I couldn't go because I was going to see relatives instead) with her extended fmily and the kids. With a disclaimer that she didn't want it to be made out to be more than what it is and didn't want it to lead to confusion (which is when she said the words "we are not together right now") whatever that meant.

 

10. Though I didn't go I did call her later that night and wish her a happy thanksgiving. Light conversation and she said that I should have been there.

 

11. Next morning I said that since I missed thanksgiving I'd love to get together with her and the kids and she said she would like that and lets plan something when I get back and then 10 minutes late texted me "Thank you for your call last night!"

 

12. Maybe of note is that approximately 3 weeks ago I asked her if she would be honest with me if she saw this break up as final vs I don't know in the event one of 3 things happened - 1. She found that she was no loner "in love" with me, 2. Even if she is in love with me, after thinking things through she figured that with the arguing our problems are so insurmountable that regardless of whether in love or not there was no likelihood of a future together and 3. if she met someone and they went on a date, casual or otherwise. She said she agreed to do let me know.

 

13. As of today she tells me she has not come to any of those three conclusions.

 

14. We haven't really seen each other socially in about 6 weeks time now with the exception of maybe two lunches and one night event for a company that we work for from which she offered to drive me home which I accepted and of course asked her for another chance once she dropped me off to which she again said "I don't know" "I'm not ready"

 

15. No Contact - I did go no contact for approximately 5 days. During that time I handwrote her a letter (something I haven't done since I was in grade school probably) talking about my realizations about how I had let the stress get to me and stopped respecting her individuality which I was sure led to all our problems and that, now that it was recognized, we could get back to what we were because we had taken time. She called me about something with work that night of the fifth day and I asked her how she was feeling. She told me that things felt final but maybe that was because we hadn't spoken and she hadn't seen me. So we agreed to see each other the next day just so that I could deliver the letter to her. That night she told me that one of the best things about her day was the fact that she got to see me and she loved how I was dressed.

 

16. Ever since the break up we have corresponded in some way every day essentially, outside of those 5 days. Generally a call every other day and texting just about every day. She generally always responds to my texts immediately unless they are of a subject matter that focuses on "us" as a couple and she also initiates calls and texts mainly about how our respective days went. Maybe three times we have had honest and deep conversations about what is going on with us but she tends to hold things close to the vest in that regard, always has. She hates conflict or anything that gives the appearance of conflict so even if a good convo about us and what went wrong it still has negative undertones which she doesn't like to engage in.

 

17. Of note is that the arguments we have had are all just surface issues. In terms of shared goals and values we are perfectly in sync and that came about naturally.

 

18. One thing I finally heard from her last week was that she resents me for having left to take the job across country right when things were gaining momentum between us and that resentment is an ugly thing.

 

Thoughts? Does this girl still love me? How do I interpret the good vs the bad and day to day swings? What should I do?

 

Thanks for listening and your comments.

Edited November 29, 2015 by figureitout
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[Frogwife]

As anyone will tell you here, there is no way anyone can know what someone else is thinking. Only your ex knows that. I know it's hard and we've all been there, being confused and wondering what someone is thinking. I have an ex who after a year is still very up and down... happy and nostalgic one minute, exploding in anger the next with me again... that kind of hot and cold can mean a million things, but all you can do is go with what they are saying - if they are saying it's over (regardless of all of the other things they may be feeling or doing) that's all you can go on.

 

Sounds like a lot of ups and downs to have to deal with. and if her kids are still living with her, I feel sorry for them having to be in the middle of this drama with some off-and-on guy. That's not easy for kids.

 

(Since this was in "second chances" I thought maybe you were in the process of reconciliation, but it doesn't look like you are).

[figureitout]

Thanks for responding frogwife.

 

In terms of the kids, they are definitely sheltered from any of the issues. It's more just my not being around as much as I used to.

 

Regarding reconciliation - I don't know how to define what this is because though we are not together like we have been she refuses to totally pull the plug at the same time.

 

We are getting together with the kids this evening. First time in 6 weeks.