An update on me, if you want to read

[Blu72]

Unfortunately this will be a reoccurring back/forth between you as long as you work together and allow certain things. He will always test the waters with you, until he feels he's getting no where and moves on. Any glimpse of hope for him and he will pounce. Regroup and stay strong. You don't want to be in my situation 4 plus years later. Trust me.

[Broom]

Yeah. I feel that's what he's doing.

 

Even during the periods of avoidance and LC, he just bides his time and waits. I think it's because he knows that he will always have a chance to contact me because I have to deal with him on some level.

 

And then it just turns on again. So it's like this ebb & flow effect that's occurring.

 

You are right, though. If he finds someone else that he can get somewhere with, that is when he'll leave me in the dust for good. Is it weird that a part of me would still feel rejected and hurt if that happened?

 

That I would feel discarded in some sort of way, even though I have my own reservations about wanting him.

[Blu72]

No that's understandable, but also remember that's part of the game for this guy I think. To let you always have that wonder of 'what could be'...to keep you interested enough that you have these moments of relapse. The fact that you haven't gotten physical yet is his goal. Don't go there because once you do it will be horrible for you. He will have conquered you and it will destroy your soul. Please stay strong for your own good.

 

When my MM moved on to the new company, I tried to keep it to professional/friendly emails for about 3 months. He would be good for awhile and then he got me with this...."there is a woman walking around here wearing the same perfume as you and all I can do is think about you". Done I was reeled back in. Was there some woman wearing my perfume - doubtful. He knew I was playing just friends and he knew he had to hook me with something. Don't let this be you 4 years later.

[Broom]

So you believe that he is out for a conquest? And if I did anything with him, that he would immediately cut contact and leave me in a tailspin?

 

That's an interesting theory. What does a man get out of that? To pursue and chase someone for so long for only one rushed, quick go in the sack? And then he's on to the next one or something?

 

And I would have to know that I got taken advantage of and "had", reminded of it every day that I had to look at him.

 

Maybe you are right. It was like we were talking and going well again into a routine. And then he's back to putting heavy distance on his own accord and treating me like I don't exist.

[beach]

Ca you get a new job right away?

[Blu72]

So you believe that he is out for a conquest? And if I did anything with him, that he would immediately cut contact and leave me in a tailspin?

 

That's an interesting theory. What does a man get out of that? To pursue and chase someone for so long for only one rushed, quick go in the sack? And then he's on to the next one or something?

 

And I would have to know that I got taken advantage of and "had", reminded of it every day that I had to look at him.

 

Maybe you are right. It was like we were talking and going well again into a routine. And then he's back to putting heavy distance on his own accord and treating me like I don't exist.

 

No, I'm not saying it would be a one time thing. As long as you are a willing participate it could go on for how ever long. My point is, once you consummate the physical side of this he will have won. That's what the end game is for him at this point, don't you agree? To be with you physically? Once you go there all bets are off on your emotional stability during this whole thing. You will have handed in your ticket for a roller coaster ride of epic proportions. You think the hot/cold push/pull is difficult now, enter into a PA affair and see how worse that dynamic gets. Times a million. Right now I'm dealing with one of MMs cold/push weeks - I'm a wreak. It never gets easier. But again, all my fault because I allowed/allow this in the first place.

 

I'm just reaching out to you to show you just how devastating taking this to the next level will be for you. Not to mention the way you describe this man is so telling as to his true intentions. This is probably not his first rodeo in this arena. Run. Fast. That's all I'm saying.

[Broom]

Yeah. You're right about that. His one and only goal is to get in my pants however he can.

 

After it turns into a PA, the emotions and feelings will likely be heightened on my side. I will have invested more into it and be even more sensitive to these periods of distance. And it sucks because I can't even know what he's thinking or why he's doing this.

 

I don't think it's his first rodeo, either. It just so happens that I'm the one that got suckered in and I have some level of attachment.

[Blu72]

You will most definitely become more attached/invested and more sensitive to the distance if you enter into a PA. It's excrutiatingly hard. I don't pressume to know you or have all the answers for your situation. But I can tell you it will be hell on wheels if you continue down this rabbit hole with this man. I get why this can be so alluring, I fell for it so I definitely understand. But if I could have been strong enough to take 2 steps back in the beginning and reached out for guidance like you have, maybe I could have saved myself 4 years of heartache. Do you know how hard it is to stop after 4 years with someone - so very hard. It's broken me as a person and I only have myself to blame.

 

You are doing the right thing by talking this through and seeing this for what it really is. You have to see past the 'high' you might be getting from his little tidbits of attention and see him for what he really is and what this mans end game is. The 'highs' don't last long at all, but the 'lows' - those will destroy you.

[Broom]

Mhmm. That is what is keeping me hooked. Those little things, whether it's a smile or a conversation or a gesture from him make me feel a little happier. Whenever I can get some kind of acknowledgement from him, it gives me some kind of validation that I am desperately seeking.

 

Those highs are the things that are constantly on my mind whenever he is around. And now that he is doing this push/pull, it is making me want to do more to get this kind of validation. Kind of like a head game being played on me.

 

I am going to try to go back the way I was with ignoring him and stuff.

[Blu72]

Let me tell you a story.....

In the beginning of my PA, I ended it after the first few intimate meet ups. That didn't last - I was sucked back in after 3 weeks. 4 months into the PA, something happened that blindsided me so bad, I can't get into specifics just know it was bad. He realized that was a deal breaker and kept telling me he understood but "he didn't want to lose his friend(me)". He went out of his way to make it up to me and suck me back in. Always saying nice things to me , complimenting my physical appearance daily, praising my work to me and our peers, always telling me how great a person I was. These all lifted my spirits daily and made me want to come to work. I hate my job, but he made it worth coming to work. I soon forgot about his blindsiding me and how horrible that event made me feel and I got sucked back in. This was 4 years ago. 2 months ago I was going thru some old work papers in my desk. I found this scrap paper where I listed pros/cons of our 'relationship' that I made during that difficult time. The cons only had a few - but they were all the instances where he did something horrible (including the one instance where he blindsided me). The pros were the things he said to me. Tons of them, and I quoted every thing he ever said that made me feel good. But no 'actions'. The only actions from him that made the list were where he did something that hurt me that should have been seen as deal breakers. But his 'words' , those little words he said to hook me were all I saw. To this day I can still quote all his bs from that time period. But seeing this paper after so long stunned me. Why were those little words given such credence when going up against some of the worst things he did that hurt me so bad? Because I was caught up in how those words made me feel. It was my downfall..when I stopped listening to my better judgement and turned in my dignity. At the end of the day, they are just words. Actions speak louder than words. Trust that.

[Broom]

Wow. That does not sound much different from my experience.

 

Lots of words, flattery, compliments with little actions other than (obviously) negative/hurtful ones. Will definitely dish out verbal praise, flirting, compliments but little actions or anything to promote a genuine sense of caring.

 

I think he still wants me physically but maybe realized he can't close the deal. So he is trying to curb his desire by pulling away.

 

But a part of me is wondering what he would have said had I answered the phone. I really do not know. That was out of character for him.

[Broom]

So much has happened since the last time I posted here. In case you don’t want to read my previous thread, I’ll give you some background.

I was having an emotional affair with MM /co-worker. This happened over the course of several months. It started with just IM, then went to emails and text messages. He continued to push for the relationship to be physical, but I was always scared and wary. There would be times when he would get frustrated that I would not sleep with him and he would alternate between almost full ignoring me and then turning it on hot again.

These cycles would throw my mind for a loop. I had become very emotionally dependant on him, so when he pulled away it was easy to get a reaction out of me. I would think about him day & night and base my entire happiness on the next time we could interact.

He continued to be sweet and caring on the surface to a point. And then he asked me directly that he wanted to meet up over a 3-day weekend and spend time with me. He made it clear in his own words that if I didn’t show up, that he would be done with the friendship. It was pretty much an ultimatum. He offered me money and promised me gifts and that he would take care of me.

Long story short..I did not show up. I considered it back-and-forth, but didn’t meet him.

The following work day was one of the worst days of my life. He was 100% cold and outright emotionally abusive. He ignored me at every turn and even took thinly-veiled jabs at me during conversations to other co-workers. These are the kind of jabs that weren’t noticeable to anyone but me, because he knew I could understand the meaning of the examples he used. I never felt so small and so hurt in my life.

A normal person would have walked away after being done like this but not me. I freaked out and panicked because I was afraid to lose him for good, afraid to lose the contact we had. I thought no one would ever make me feel special like he did or smile or care like he did. If only I could just get the guy from the beginning to come back.

He continued to be cold towards me, but would exchange conversation with me when I initiated. He pretty much didn’t want to talk to me unless I was willing to sleep with him and the conversation was about arranging that act or leading up to that act. It was during this time that I discovered he was talking to another co-worker. It was not obvious to anyone else in my office, but I knew.

 

I knew because of the way he treated me in the beginning. He was making excuses to be near this person, work with this person, and constantly somehow always ending up talking to this person. And I caught them exchanging more than just a brief moment of eye contact. When I looked at him, he looked away with guilt. I knew…

This made me insanely jealous. And I should have still walked away then with some kind of dignity and self-respect. I found myself competing with this co-worker, instead. I turned it up even more to compete and try to steal his attention and focus back to my side. I found myself hating this co-worker for standing in my way. I threw myself at him and he took the opportunity to take the upper hand.

He embarrassed me to his male co-workers and painted me out to be some random chick that was into him and he being faithful H and denying me. He continued on with this new co-worker and did things to make me jealous, even continuing to take jabs at me and laugh. He knew he was hurting me and getting to me and it was all because he was upset that I didn’t sleep with him that weekend.

I was so hurt and emotionally devastated that I began to dread coming in to work. I used some sick time, some vacation days, and ultimately took a short leave of absence to regain control of my life. Upon the 1st day of my return, he seemed immediately excited to see me. He spoke to me and was smiling, cheerful…the same way he was before. It was like nothing had happened.

He was back. But now I was stronger and I felt differently. All I could remember was the things he had done in the months prior. I kept conversations cordial with him. I never initiated, only replied with 3 words or less each time. I had been trained by my support system. Each time he would reach out, I would reach out to them. I would talk through it. I would refuse to reply.

Eventually, he was asking to see me again. He was trying to pull me back.

 

My friend said it was his ego. His ego thought I would still be around for him and he could no longer get the satisfaction of me being under his spell. He kept trying but I continued to ignore him.

 

He sent work-related emails, so that I would HAVE to contact him and HAVE to work with him. I stalled and re-directed them to other co-workers. He continued to chase me. He started to “conveniently” take breaks or be away from his desk when it was time for me to leave for the day, even going so far as to walk to the elevators shadowing me, but not saying a word. I would catch him looking at me from across the room when I was working.

I still refused to engage him.

He told me to call him and that he would pick up and answer for me, but I never did. He continued to try.

[the_artist_1970]

So much has happened since the last time I posted here. In case you don’t want to read my previous thread, I’ll give you some background.

I was having an emotional affair with MM /co-worker. This happened over the course of several months. It started with just IM, then went to emails and text messages. He continued to push for the relationship to be physical, but I was always scared and wary. There would be times when he would get frustrated that I would not sleep with him and he would alternate between almost full ignoring me and then turning it on hot again.

These cycles would throw my mind for a loop. I had become very emotionally dependant on him, so when he pulled away it was easy to get a reaction out of me. I would think about him day & night and base my entire happiness on the next time we could interact.

He continued to be sweet and caring on the surface to a point. And then he asked me directly that he wanted to meet up over a 3-day weekend and spend time with me. He made it clear in his own words that if I didn’t show up, that he would be done with the friendship. It was pretty much an ultimatum. He offered me money and promised me gifts and that he would take care of me.

Long story short..I did not show up. I considered it back-and-forth, but didn’t meet him.

The following work day was one of the worst days of my life. He was 100% cold and outright emotionally abusive. He ignored me at every turn and even took thinly-veiled jabs at me during conversations to other co-workers. These are the kind of jabs that weren’t noticeable to anyone but me, because he knew I could understand the meaning of the examples he used. I never felt so small and so hurt in my life.

A normal person would have walked away after being done like this but not me. I freaked out and panicked because I was afraid to lose him for good, afraid to lose the contact we had. I thought no one would ever make me feel special like he did or smile or care like he did. If only I could just get the guy from the beginning to come back.

He continued to be cold towards me, but would exchange conversation with me when I initiated. He pretty much didn’t want to talk to me unless I was willing to sleep with him and the conversation was about arranging that act or leading up to that act. It was during this time that I discovered he was talking to another co-worker. It was not obvious to anyone else in my office, but I knew.

 

I knew because of the way he treated me in the beginning. He was making excuses to be near this person, work with this person, and constantly somehow always ending up talking to this person. And I caught them exchanging more than just a brief moment of eye contact. When I looked at him, he looked away with guilt. I knew…

This made me insanely jealous. And I should have still walked away then with some kind of dignity and self-respect. I found myself competing with this co-worker, instead. I turned it up even more to compete and try to steal his attention and focus back to my side. I found myself hating this co-worker for standing in my way. I threw myself at him and he took the opportunity to take the upper hand.

He embarrassed me to his male co-workers and painted me out to be some random chick that was into him and he being faithful H and denying me. He continued on with this new co-worker and did things to make me jealous, even continuing to take jabs at me and laugh. He knew he was hurting me and getting to me and it was all because he was upset that I didn’t sleep with him that weekend.

I was so hurt and emotionally devastated that I began to dread coming in to work. I used some sick time, some vacation days, and ultimately took a short leave of absence to regain control of my life. Upon the 1st day of my return, he seemed immediately excited to see me. He spoke to me and was smiling, cheerful…the same way he was before. It was like nothing had happened.

He was back. But now I was stronger and I felt differently. All I could remember was the things he had done in the months prior. I kept conversations cordial with him. I never initiated, only replied with 3 words or less each time. I had been trained by my support system. Each time he would reach out, I would reach out to them. I would talk through it. I would refuse to reply.

Eventually, he was asking to see me again. He was trying to pull me back.

 

My friend said it was his ego. His ego thought I would still be around for him and he could no longer get the satisfaction of me being under his spell. He kept trying but I continued to ignore him.

 

He sent work-related emails, so that I would HAVE to contact him and HAVE to work with him. I stalled and re-directed them to other co-workers. He continued to chase me. He started to “conveniently” take breaks or be away from his desk when it was time for me to leave for the day, even going so far as to walk to the elevators shadowing me, but not saying a word. I would catch him looking at me from across the room when I was working.

I still refused to engage him.

He told me to call him and that he would pick up and answer for me, but I never did. He continued to try.

 

Good for you for staying strong. Continue to walk in truth, honor and integrity.

[Broom]

Thanks so much

[sandylee1]

Well done for staying strong and not caving in.

 

Now you know for sure he just wanted to have his way. They always push for the physical.

[aloneinaz]

Good job sweetie! As I read this I have to say that it seemed to be a reminder as to why so many folks scream not to date or have these types of relationships with co-workers.

 

 

You should be super proud of yourself and do not get caught back up with his BS. Get out and find a great guy that is single and wants you all to himself.

 

 

Stay strong.

[GoldieLox]

Good for you, continue on the path you've been walking. I would imagine all of his trying gets a little annoying after a while, yes?

[Lurkeraspect]

That's an awesome update, Broom!

 

Keep that support system close to you and never look back. Can you possibly start looking for other work to get him out of your face for good?

 

It must feel so empowering to finally be in control of this situation.

[Broom]

Good for you, continue on the path you've been walking. I would imagine all of his trying gets a little annoying after a while, yes?

 

I feel sick when he does it

[AlwaysGrowing]

Where I live, this would be called a hostile work environment. As such, you need to let your Supervisor/HR know, so it can be dealt with.

 

As a side, job well done on your work hiatus, processing what had happened and your role in it. It seems you have a good handle on how to keep this from happening again.

[sunburned]

Wow I started reading and was certain your post was headed in a different direction.

 

Glad I was wrong. Well done!

 

What a schmuck.

[OpenBook]

I feel sick when he does it

 

Yeah I would too!! What he's done/doing to you is CREEPY. This guy's got red flags all over him.

 

And I wouldn't assume your co-workers are in the dark about him - or about what's been going on between him & you (or anybody else). Co-workers always see more than we think.

 

Which makes it even more awesome that you're not dancing with him anymore. People notice. You never know who's watching.

 

And if he's done this to you, he has certainly done it to other girls as well. One day he's going to find himself in a heap of legal (or worse) trouble, if he hasn't already.

 

Good for you for distancing yourself. Distance provides objectivity and clear vision. I predict that as you gain more objectivity you will discover some gross/awful things about him that totally floor you, like "Why didn't I see that before?"

 

And I hope you will become friends with (or at least make peace with) that co-worker you were competing with.

[Broom]

I'm certain he told his close male friends at work to brag to them about getting with me. I came around the corner one and caught them talking and he went quiet.

[GirlStillStrong]

Does this guy ever actually do any work at work? What a toxic person to have to be around! Good for you for getting the upper hand in this guy's stupid game!

[Broom]

He delegates a lot. I feel so uncomfortable at work, being near him, hearing his voice.

 

Just yesterday I was talking to someone and he was staring at me from across the room the entire time.

 

I can't even eat anything while at work.