Going through a rough patch

[Islander19]

I'm sorry if this is a bit of a rant, but I just need to get some stuff off my chest and I don't really have anyone to talk about it to.

 

Let me start off by saying that I'm 27 and I've never had a girlfriend. I've had a few flings I guess you could say, and on a few occasions I've even managed to have sex, but that's it really. I've by no means given up hope. I know if I ever start getting negative and depressed about it I really won't have a shot at finding love, so I've always tried to keep a positive attitude about it. But lately it's been really hard.

 

Going into this year I made it a goal to really get myself out there and date more. I've always been a bit on the shy side and haven't dated as much as I should have. So I hit the OLD sites hard, and surprisingly had a fair bit of success. I was able to get a fair number of dates and although none of them really panned out I was definitely building confidence.

 

During the summer I started talking with this girl from out of town. I was tempted to not pursue her early on because I'm not a fan of long distance, but we just seemed to click on so many levels. So against my better judgement I kept talking to her.

 

Finally after two months we met. We spent the weekend together, and pretty much by the second day I knew she wasn't for me. It seemed we had ran out of stuff to talk about, which I had noticed leading up to the weekend, but I figured once we were together in person that would change. Also, and I hate to sound vain, but she didn't look like her pictures. Now, I'm not that picky when it comes to looks. I've dated girls of all different shapes and sizes. But I had a certain image of this girl in my head before I met, one that I had really fallen for over those two months we were talking. And when I met her and she didn't look like that I guess that image got shattered.

 

All of a sudden the reasons for not dating her, that I didn't care about before, mattered a lot more. She lived out of town, so this relationship was going to be difficult. She was also 11 years older than me (she's 38). That didn't present any problems right now, but down the line it definitely would have.

 

After that weekend I had to end it with her and she was crushed. I felt horrible about it. Say what you will about rejection, but having to reject someone else is far worse. I was really bummed for a while after that. It also really turned me off of OLD sites. I really wanted to try to meet someone in real life, but I didn't know where to look.

 

It was right around this time that I started to get a lot closer to a coworker of mine. We started to become really good friends, and I started to fall for her. Unfortunately she was in a relationship, so there wasn't much I could do. After a while I tried going back to OLD sites. I just needed to start seeing some other girls so I didn't get too attached to this coworker. Unfortunately, for whatever reason, I couldn't get a date. All of a sudden, when I really needed a date the most, I couldn't get one to save my life.

 

Finally this coworker broke up with her boyfriend and I decided I needed to do something about this. So I asked her out. I don't know if it was really clear that I was suggesting we go on a date, but in either case I (kind of, sort of?) got rejected. You can read about it here. I think there still might be an opportunity here down the line, but I'm definitely not as optimistic about my chances now.

 

So this weekend I tried hitting the OLD sites again. I just really needed a date. I just needed a girl to take an interest in me so I could try to get this coworker off my mind and get some of my self confidence back. But nothing, absolutely nothing. I don't get it. It's like the universe hates me right now.

 

So that's where I'm at today. I have this girl I'm crazy about who I don't think feels the same way. And as hard as I try to find someone else to get my mind off of her I can't. All this rejection is just taking a toll on me.

 

I don't know why it's this hard for me to find someone to be in a relationship with. It seems a little unfair, but I'm trying my best to stay positive about things.

 

Anyways, for anyone who's read the whole thing, thanks for taking the time to listen.

[darkbloom]

My best advice is to stop looking for it so hard. It seems like you just want a relationship to have a relationship. Girls have a spidey sense for these things and they can probably smell the desperation. You will have so much more success if you keep the positive attitude and ditch the expectation of having a girlfriend. Talk to new people and put yourself in new social situations.

 

The best relationships come when you aren't expecting them.

[insert_name]

I don't have any answers, but I can certainly empathise with the situation so if you find a way out let me know the secret

 

I could really do with being able to move on from someone I really clicked with and who hasn't closed the door on me. But everyone I meet IRL and seem to click with is in a relationship and the OLD apps that I use (Tinder, Happn etc) are like a massive 'look what you COULD have won' fest. The person who said 'all the best ones are taken' was spot on.

 

So I am trying to immerse myself in my interests which is helping to a certain extent. Living a self-sufficient life is the best response but if you have the sort of personality that gets attached easily then that is easier said than done no matter how aware you are that you are being ridiculous for holding out hope for someone who is sadly not going to desire you in the same way you desire them.

[Islander19]

My best advice is to stop looking for it so hard. It seems like you just want a relationship to have a relationship. Girls have a spidey sense for these things and they can probably smell the desperation. You will have so much more success if you keep the positive attitude and ditch the expectation of having a girlfriend. Talk to new people and put yourself in new social situations.

 

The best relationships come when you aren't expecting them.

 

Thanks for your advice. I've often thought this myself, that maybe I'm trying too hard. But I'm not that outgoing, so when I'm not trying to meet someone, well, I don't.

 

I think I definitely just need to take a break from dating though and just focus on other stuff. I've been too wrapped up in it lately and it's bumming me out.

[shoplocal]

Aw, this sounds like a real bummer! I don't have any meaningful advice for you. I'm in a sort of similar situation in that I'm looking for someone to distract me from the real object of my mental focus...but no one is there. I'm lucky, I have a best friend to talk to and this site to vent on. Also, it's football season and I have NFL Game Pass, so I've been watching games from all throughout the season. Is there anything you really enjoy that you can immerse yourself in? Distraction really works (for me, anyway).