what do i do

[ciaobella88]

Please don't judge, I'm not a bad person, just fell in love and it happened so fast!

I worked in their home. I'm married, he's married. I haven't been happy in my marriage. I can't really speak on their marriage, but I know they slept in separate bedrooms. We both have children.

Our affair took off, it has been extremely passionate, we genuinely enjoy one another's company, and we both have expressed that we are in love with each other. He says I am the best everything he has ever had, he loves a woman who enjoys keeping a nice house, cooking, etc (like me), we have great discussions, and we have a TON of common interests that his wife laughs at.

 

Recently, his wife found out. I was fired immediately. I told my husband, our marriage is over.

She recently signed a separation agreement. They still live together. When she isn't around (she travels for work), we talk.

I thought that he wouldn't talk to me anymore, but to my surprise we have kept in contact, met up a few times, and even have gone on a wonderful date. Our feelings still remain the same. He says he wants me in his life and wouldn't keep me in his life if he really wanted to make things work with the marriage.

 

Because they still live together for now, he wants to be cordial with her for the sake of the kids and not losing custody.

I get that..I don't want him to be a jerk or anything.

 

He has expressed that he just doesn't feel the same for her anymore and he says that they are DONE. He no longer cares. For two days when she was home, he went to a hotel. So she sees he doesn't want to be around her.

 

So now that things with them are going downhill, I don't know how to play it. I don't want to be pushy and make things bad between me and him, but I don't want to be TOOOO patient and make him think ''oh, maybe i SHOULD work things out with my wife and see if OW will stick around!'' .

 

She's a lawyer and travels for work and sometimes is gone through weekends. I know she will be around this week, and I feel SOOOOO depressed because I know we won't be able to talk as much as I want to- or at all.

 

Because we sleep separately from our spouses we used to text/talk a lot at night, and I don't see why he can't do that still, especially now that things are really bad. His attitude about her is pretty negative, so if it's that negative, what is the big deal about doing what he wants to do?

 

If he still feels the need to sneak around this week, is that a bad sign, and how should I handle everything?

[Ms. Faust]

If he gets a hotel when she is in town because he can't stand her presence then why is your communication limited?

[TaraMaiden2]

Continue to dissolve your marriage.

 

How old are your children?

 

Things like this are never easy. There is NO single, 'cure-all' solution.

You have to weather the tough times and see them through.

 

Have you actually asked him directly what he aims to do? How he aims to end his marriage, and does he intend to make a life with you?

[ciaobella88]

If he gets a hotel when she is in town because he can't stand her presence then why is your communication limited?

 

 

This has all happened very recently, so the hotel thing isn't 'consistent'. So I don't know what this week will bring.

She will be home at some point today. He told me earlier that he will talk to me later.

[ciaobella88]

Old enough to understanad there is tension. My husband has always been out and about for most of the day so my kids can't honestly tell the difference now.

 

I asked him ''what if she wants to work things out''. he said ''i will tell her i don't think there is anything to work on''.

 

Continue to dissolve your marriage.

 

How old are your children?

 

Things like this are never easy. There is NO single, 'cure-all' solution.

You have to weather the tough times and see them through.

 

Have you actually asked him directly what he aims to do? How he aims to end his marriage, and does he intend to make a life with you?

[ciaobella88]

You're right, these situations are hard. I literally feel depressed when he isn't around. I am still trying to put on a brave face and be the best mom possible, and it is so hard when inside I am yearning to be near him. I'm used to talking to him and seeing him daily. :-(

I do think it's a good sign that he is still around even though things have blown up and everyone knows what happened. He hasn't been especially contrite with her either, he told her that he would continue to be with me if they divorce.

 

Continue to dissolve your marriage.

 

How old are your children?

 

Things like this are never easy. There is NO single, 'cure-all' solution.

You have to weather the tough times and see them through.

 

Have you actually asked him directly what he aims to do? How he aims to end his marriage, and does he intend to make a life with you?

[TaraMaiden2]

(Are you Italian? Is he? Are you in Italy? Simple yes or no, not trying to determine your location, but I know that 'Ciao, Bella!' means 'Hello, beautiful!'....I'm Italian...)

[ciaobella88]

(Are you Italian? Is he? Are you in Italy? Simple yes or no, not trying to determine your location, but I know that 'Ciao, Bella!' means 'Hello, beautiful!'....I'm Italian...)

 

I'm Italian. I wish we WERE in Italy, far away from this.

[Popsicle]

Because they still live together for now, he wants to be cordial with her for the sake of the kids and not losing custody.

 

This is why he said he was doing it, and is likely still the case.

[ciaobella88]

This is why he said he was doing it, and is likely still the case.

 

True. He has told me that he plans on keeping the house and being there and they would move to be closer to family.. But still I just am so afraid of him having an epiphany about making it work with her.

I am so deppressed even though we have shared so much time together recently . He has given me no reason to feel down but Ijust do.

[privategal]

You are already too needy and clingy...he could be saying all these things to keep you on standby in case she serves him divorce papers, all the while begging her to work it out.

If this were a regular single guy you were dating you wouldn't base your whole life, needs, and communication on him.

Step back, his marriage is in crisis he is now a discovered cheater, its not all about you and whether you get to talk to him...he has things to sort at home right now and anything could happen. Hope for the best but expect the WORST. Patience.

[ciaobella88]

You're right. I'm not expressing any of these feelings to him so he doesn't know how needy I really feel. Atleast that :-/

[Popsicle]

True. He has told me that he plans on keeping the house and being there and they would move to be closer to family.. But still I just am so afraid of him having an epiphany about making it work with her.

I am so deppressed even though we have shared so much time together recently . He has given me no reason to feel down but Ijust do.

 

Well, there is always a risk that he might have an epiphany (either of them could) and want to work it out. His plans for how things will go his way in the divorce may not work out as he wants them to, and that may cause him to do a 180. Hardly anyone's plans work out EXACTLY how they want them to in divorce. It remains to be seen how he reacts to that, but I think you are right not to express any of this to him right now. He has unfinished business and you should see it that way and neither pressure him about it, nor freak out yourself. Just be calm and set a timeline to and for yourself (maybe 6 months for some progress?). Don't tell him this.

[ciaobella88]

You are so right. I am tired of being a ball of anxiety. I will definitely give myself a timeline, I think that will help a lot.

I do know this..if he does stay with her or makes it seem like he's going to stay with her, I am done. It was one thing when the affair was secret but now that it's out in the open, I am not sticking around if he decides he wants to make it work.

 

 

 

Well, there is always a risk that he might have an epiphany (either of them could) and want to work it out. His plans for how things will go his way in the divorce may not work out as he wants them to, and that may cause him to do a 180. Hardly anyone's plans work out EXACTLY how they want them to in divorce. It remains to be seen how he reacts to that, but I think you are right not to express any of this to him right now. He has unfinished business and you should see it that way and neither pressure him about it, nor freak out yourself. Just be calm and set a timeline to and for yourself (maybe 6 months for some progress?). Don't tell him this.

[Krashi]

First things I think you should are apologize to your husband, your kids and his wife. You have hurt these people incredibly.

Then, I think you should avoid the guy and try to figure out how you could do this to innocdnt people.

[Ms. Faust]

If you have children your priorities should be to them during a divorce, plain and simple. Same goes for him. What he does in his divorce and what goes on in his home is inconsequential, you need to focus on you and your family. Even if your children are adults you should turn your attention inwards to settling out your life before fretting over what is going on with his.

 

I say this because divorce is draining. It is mentally exhausting, emotionally warping, and a total upheaval on all of the lives involved. If you are fixated on your MM you are not giving your attention to more important things. Children aside, divorcing spouses have been known to take advantage of this from a strategic standpoint as well. I know and have heard many, many stories of the cheating spouse getting a bum deal because they rushed their divorce and their head was in the clouds.

 

Nevermind him until he is divorced, worry about your own. That's my advice.

Edited November 30, 2015 by Ms. Faust

[Ms. Faust]

Re-reading the thread I think I missed some things

 

... he loves a woman who enjoys keeping a nice house, cooking, etc (like me), we have great discussions...

 

So I am going to go out on a limb and surmise that his professional wife does not enjoy or do those things, am I correct?

 

Why are they doing a separation agreement vs. divorce? Does your state/province stipulate X amount of time for separation before divorce?

[ciaobella88]

Re-reading the thread I think I missed some things

 

 

 

So I am going to go out on a limb and surmise that his professional wife does not enjoy or do those things, am I correct?

 

 

Yes you are correct. And I worked there so I saw it first hand. Nothing against her that's just how she is. She would've asked me to live in if I hadn't been married. So I could always help w the kids

 

Why are they doing a separation agreement vs. divorce? Does your state/province stipulate X amount of time for separation before divorce?

 

Yes they have to be separated (which can also mean living in different bedrooms) for a year. So they dated it for Jan 1 2015 so they could be divorced in January. I saw the agreement.

 

I'm trying to get over this, my whole heart hurts. He tells me how he feels but then I haven't heard since yesterday, so I have no idea how things are going.

I can't live like this just waiting around .

[ciaobella88]

First things I think you should are apologize to your husband, your kids and his wife. You have hurt these people incredibly.

Then, I think you should avoid the guy and try to figure out how you could do this to innocdnt people.

 

 

I've apologized to everyone profusely .

[whatatangledweb]

Have you seperated yet? If not,then why wonder if he is doing something when you have not? Are you waiting to see what happens with MM before you get divorced?

[Ms. Faust]

Yes they have to be separated (which can also mean living in different bedrooms) for a year. So they dated it for Jan 1 2015 so they could be divorced in January. I saw the agreement.

 

I'm trying to get over this, my whole heart hurts. He tells me how he feels but then I haven't heard since yesterday, so I have no idea how things are going.

I can't live like this just waiting around .

 

Honey, it's only been one day. Please make an effort to put your attention elsewhere.

[privategal]

Whether you end up together or not Id seriously get your own life, happiness and interests. His job isn't to passify you when his affair was just found out and your still married.

Its all a mess and you need to let the dust settle.

For now, your not his wife, he's either in crisis breaking up or reconciling hard core.

If it was all about him leaving for you he would write and call and he isn't.

Its not time for you right now but its scary how dependent you are on him.

You need to breathe and worry about your life and issues and let him deal with his WIFE right now.

Your too wrapped up in him.

[Lady2163]

So I'm a former OW, but I was single.

 

You have to mentally take a step back. This is not how you should be treated. The way things are, sets the stage for you to be badly mistreated throughout your entire relationship and possibly life. It is really hard to make this point hit home.

 

The MM I was involved with was never separated, had no plans to divorce. I knew that and was okay with that for a really long time. When in that situation, you have to accept breadcrumbs and communication blackouts.

 

However, this guy is separated. This guy has been busted as a cheater. If his marriage is really over then his communication shouldn't be as limited. If he was really into you, he would be calling or texting, possibly all the time. MM was the first one to volunteer to run errands even with children who could drive and it was so he could call me. We were friends. He also knew I hated communications black outs and didn't want them to be any worse. After two or three days, I'd get kind of depressed. I'd sleep for a couple of days and then I would have lots of energy. I felt like I understood what it was like to be bipolar.

 

So, yes, set a timetable. Communicate your timetable to him and explain he isn't treating you the way you should be treated. Set a timetable to end the poor treatment, not as an ultimatum. I would say be willing to adjust the timetable ONCE. I've heard people say they want to wait for school to be on break because the weather is nicer and then the kids don't have to switch schools mid year. Or that it may be easier to adjust a child's visitation schedule at the start of the school year rather than in the middle.

 

Good luck. Take care of yourself during all this. Yes, you have done a disservice to your (ex) husband and your kids, but sadly, in this whole scenario, no one is going to be looking out for you. If your husband wants things over, then he is focused on himself and the kids. If MM wants to stay with wife, then he is also thinking of himself, how to patch things up with her, how to keep the kids happy, healthy....and in his corner. If he is a cake eater, then he is planning how to give you just enough motivation to stick around as his side dish.

 

Believe it or not, life and relationships are not supposed to be this tough.

[ciaobella88]

Thanks everyone for the replies. Just to clarify a few things

 

-I wrote this post after one day of no communication.

Yes I am wrapped up. This is all very fresh .

 

-he communicated today

 

-He is legally separated but in our state you can live in different bedrooms. They just signed it last week and that is what they are doing. So I feared communication was limited because she was there, but apparently not because he was texting and calling today .

[ciaobella88]

Have you seperated yet? If not,then why wonder if he is doing something when you have not? Are you waiting to see what happens with MM before you get divorced?

 

Yes I have separated