Ask SIL/OW to the wedding or don't ask her?

[merrmeade]

The question is now: Ask SIL/OW to the wedding or don't ask her?

 

I thought of piggybacking on another thread because the discussion naturally veered to this point but decided it's too confusing. Just want to emphasize that this IS infidelity related because the issue arises only because of my status as a betrayed spouse.

 

Recap:

My husband had a 3-year EA, semi-PA with my deceased brother’s wife and has had no contact with her since dday, 3-1/2 years ago. I did have contact with her because of family on many occasions following dday, each one more traumatizing than the last and finally began to heal last March when the last encounter was over.

 

SIL/OW’s sons told their cousins (my sons) that she contacted a high school sweetheart the month after my brother died and a month after the last memorial service they were married. The new husband is a rich banker, lives in a metropolis 500 miles from the small rural town she's from and lived in with my brother, so I assume she lives there with him now.

 

My nephews have suffered far more than any young adult should have to from a series of tragedies—

• their parents’ separation just before their father’s massive stroke seven years ago;
  
• five years watching their speech-impaired and completely paralyzed father languish in a nursing home;
  
• their mother’s affair with the uncle who’d become their father-figure and confidante after the stroke;
  
• their mother’s remarriage;
  
• and finally – what they perceive as – their aunt’s inability to forgive their mother and the resulting breakup of the extended family.
  

 

My son is getting married next April. I’m going to speak to him in the next couple of days about inviting his aunt to the wedding but haven’t yet decided what I think should happen. That is, what I think I can handle vs what he/the family needs to happen.

 

My husband feels that she should not be invited. He sent her the NC letter a month after dday and has not wavered from it.

 

My brother called me recently to say he'll probably come for the wedding and to ask about some jointly owned land which I couldn't answer, he said he'd talk to SI. He knows and supported me about the A but is fairly clueless in anticipating people’s feelings.

 

My daughter's opinion is that (a) it's up to me and (b) she hopes she never has to hear the b-tch's voice again.

 

I found out from my daughter this weekend that my son asked her opinion about inviting SIL/OW. He and his brother always consult their sister about testy family matters, but this time she said it was between him and me and didn’t give her opinion. She said that his main concern seemed to be for his cousins. I know that I am not responsible, but my brother’s kids are still struggling and I see my son trying to be the bridge that keeps everyone semi-connected. I saw one of the nephews since my brother died, though I think he was only here to see his cousin and my husband (a stab in the heart); otherwise they have not answered either of two emails I sent them. My son is beyond kind and compassionate and worries about them, but I know he’ll put my wishes first. I also know that leaving her out of the invitees will probably embarrass her and the nephews and make a private situation a bit more public (to the dozen or so that might be aware).

 

I am still trying to work out my healing and my family’s. I began healing because I thought I wouldn’t have to see her again. I also know that other people’s interpretations and judgments, or lack thereof, on my family’s actions are only important insofar as far as our continued relations with them are concerned. They have nothing to do with what I and my family need.

Edited November 29, 2015 by merrmeade

[Tayla]

She is no longer part of the immediate family. Invite the cousins if they have been close to the family.

 

Move on, she certainly did.

[minimariah]

do NOT invite her - you keep tempting the devil.

 

what is the point of inviting her? your sister in law who had an affair with your husband - and judging from your previous posts, she couldn't care less about your hurt. what's the point of inviting her?

 

for the sake of your nephews? your nephews had a hard life, sure. it sucks. but why do you take it on YOU to heal them or to even help them heal? that's not your job or even your responsibility. your relationship with them won't ever be smooth because they will always stand by their own mother and God knows what rubbish she had told them about you.

 

for the sake of public and saving your SIL from embarrassment? why do you even think about being nice or thinking about her well - being...? do you think she would do the same thing to or for you? who cares what the public thinks anyway?

 

i think you're focusing way too much on preserving good family relationships instead of realizing that some of those relationships are broken and won't be repared. it is what it is. that's on your husband and your SIL. she isn't a member of your family anymore and she really isn't relevant to you or your life. you can have your nephews at the wedding without their mother being present.

 

be happy that your family and children have your back. will your SIL be embarrassed? who the hell cares.

[purplesorrow]

No, do not invite her. Don't create an uncomfortable situation for yourself trying to be nice to her.

[aliveagain]

Why even acknowledge her existence? Invite the nephews, they are blood and part of the family, honour their father.

[Furious]

Dear Merrmeade

 

You're a kind soul, a person who values other people's feelings. That's a wonderful trait, but it can backfire if at times you don't put yourself first in situations that will be difficult for you. I have a feeling that you rarely do that and it's hard to stand up for yourself in the moment and you end hurt by those you try not to hurt.

 

My advice is to not be afraid of just saying, I don't want her invited and that's that, plain and simple. Be assertive and decisive, don't overthink and over analyze it. The kind Merrmeade is still there but she's kind to herself too.

Edited November 30, 2015 by Furious

[turnera]

I would call up the nephews and tell them that you'd love to have them come, and you hope they will, but you also hope they will understand why you don't feel comfortable having their mother attend.

[road]

You know that NC has to be 100% forever. The up coming family gathering is not justification to break NC.

[whichwayisup]

Fact that you're even considering this, or giving it some thought just shows how compassionate and kind you are...now with that said, DO not invite her. She will understand why and I doubt she's going to be hurt or feel left out.

 

Don't let anything ruin your son's wedding, this is HIS special day and this woman is not part of your lives anymore.

[merrmeade]

You know that NC has to be 100% forever. The up coming family gathering is not justification to break NC.

Damn, just typed a long post only to close the tab accidentally.

 

Glad everyone concurs.

 

My husband has weighed in with conviction and conversation (!) on the topic and says adamantly she should not come, that she’s not part of our family any more. So of course I wondered wtf and asked why such feeling about it. He gave several reasons:

- He doesn't want to be reminded of "all that."

- He doesn't want people thinking about that at our son's wedding.

- He doesn't want to risk more upset for me because it's been hard enough as it is.

It was more talk and certainty than I've gotten from him on the subject in a long time.

 

I suddenly remembered a comment he made once, maybe two years ago, in which he was the most transparent, vulnerable and honest I'd seen him on this subject. I'd posed the question to him, "What if there were some event or compelling reason to reunite our families, would you agree?" He kind of went inside himself for a minute and said something like, "I never want to go back to thinking in lies." I totally got it because I'd analyzed in depth the defense mechanisms they'd developed together and separately so they could live with themselves and justify the deception. For him to admit this to me out loud was huge and meant more to me than any detail about what they'd done together. Once this was out and called between us, he never regressed on that particular topic.

 

As for my SIL, I have no reason to think she's changed her thinking about the affair, me or my family, but what she thinks doesn’t matter. But lest I forget in my high-mindedness, I should recap: The first year she continued defending their friendship (though no longer ‘family’), calling the PA episodes "stupid" accidents, insisting I also apologize for past grievances and accept blame, pretending no contact was her idea. The second and third years, she began a campaign to reunite, approaching me on vulnerable topics or occasions—invitations to stay with her for family funerals, emailing updates about family property or my brother’s health, foisting her affection on me during and after the death of my brother. She was waiting for his death to reunite us and fix everything.

 

Yes, that should do it. Visualize SIL: an effective antidote to unprovoked high-mindedness.

 

So the question really is whether inviting her is as important to my son as not seeing her is to my husband and me.

[merrmeade]

You know that NC has to be 100% forever. The up coming family gathering is not justification to break NC.

Last post was in response to this ^^^.

[understand50]

Merrmeade,

 

I am glad this is working out for you and that your family is coming to your support. From your earlier posts, I had thought that your only two chooses were to not go, or "suck it up". My advise was to "suck it up" for your son's and grandson's sake. Looks like the only decision now, is whether to invite the nephews/cousins or not.

 

My take is that they are innocent in all this, and family, so of course, if it was me, I would invite them, and give them a big hug, from their strong and wonderful aunt.

 

As Always I wish you luck.

[merrmeade]

Merrmeade,

 

I am glad this is working out for you and that your family is coming to your support. From your earlier posts, I had thought that your only two chooses were to not go, or "suck it up". My advise was to "suck it up" for your son's and grandson's sake. Looks like the only decision now, is whether to invite the nephews/cousins or not.

 

My take is that they are innocent in all this, and family, so of course, if it was me, I would invite them, and give them a big hug, from their strong and wonderful aunt.

 

As Always I wish you luck.

Oh absolutely invite the nephews. I was only wondering if I could handle inviting their mother. I guess if she's going to blame me for this, too, anyway, I wanted to be sure I'd made the right decision whatever that is.

 

But I really like it that my husband has taken a strong position. I don't kid myself that it's entirely for my sake. More than anything, I think it's about his shame. Having her there means inviting the "elephant in the room," and with the two of them in the room it would've grown 10 times its size.

 

But what was I thinking? Those who mentioned 'NC is forever' brought up the only guideline that matters. Even introducing one exception makes other exceptions possible and the rule is meaningless.

[BetrayedH]

I'm just going to chime in to reinforce what the others have said. I suppose I'll more directly address the conversation with your son.

 

"That woman slept with my husband while cheating on my brother and she has yet to express true remorse for any of it. In short order after my brother died, she remarried. She's hardly family. Your father and I don't want to see her there. While we respect that this is your wedding and your decision, we respectfully ask that she not be invited. We've got no objections to your cousins being invited. They've done nothing wrong."

[understand50]

Oh absolutely invite the nephews. I was only wondering if I could handle inviting their mother. I guess if she's going to blame me for this, too, anyway, I wanted to be sure I'd made the right decision whatever that is.

 

But I really like it that my husband has taken a strong position. I don't kid myself that it's entirely for my sake. More than anything, I think it's about his shame. Having her there means inviting the "elephant in the room," and with the two of them in the room it would've grown 10 times its size.

 

But what was I thinking? Those who mentioned 'NC is forever' brought up the only guideline that matters. Even introducing one exception makes other exceptions possible and the rule is meaningless.

 

Take what you can, Take what you can. Accept that your husband is doing the right thing. I am sure that some of it is for himself, but I am also sure that the rest is for you. It would take a very cold heart, not to feel what you have gone trough and make amends when he can.

 

Luck.....

[afoolto no end]

NC is the right thing here, no one is more important in this decision than you, your husband and your marriage............... your family is mature enough to understand it.........honesty is alway the only option....

[merrmeade]

I'm just going to chime in to reinforce what the others have said. I suppose I'll more directly address the conversation with your son.

 

"That woman slept with my husband while cheating on my brother and she has yet to express true remorse for any of it. In short order after my brother died, she remarried. She's hardly family. Your father and I don't want to see her there. While we respect that this is your wedding and your decision, we respectfully ask that she not be invited. We've got no objections to your cousins being invited. They've done nothing wrong."

You always kill me, bh, at how you completely NAIL the wording. Thanks for the script. Just memorizing my lines ...

[S2B]

No

 

No

 

No

 

No

 

No

 

 

Why invite into your personal private space gatherings - someone who intentionally disrespected your marriage...family and life as you knew it?

 

 

Why does this woman continue to take up space within your head/your family when she has blown the family unit apart?

[merrmeade]

Take what you can, Take what you can. Accept that your husband is doing the right thing. I am sure that some of it is for himself, but I am also sure that the rest is for you. It would take a very cold heart, not to feel what you have gone trough and make amends when he can.

 

Luck.....

So positive. Nice.

[S2B]

Damn, just typed a long post only to close the tab accidentally.

 

Glad everyone concurs.

 

My husband has weighed in with conviction and conversation (!) on the topic and says adamantly she should not come, that she’s not part of our family any more. So of course I wondered wtf and asked why such feeling about it. He gave several reasons:

- He doesn't want to be reminded of "all that."

- He doesn't want people thinking about that at our son's wedding.

- He doesn't want to risk more upset for me because it's been hard enough as it is.

It was more talk and certainty than I've gotten from him on the subject in a long time.

 

I suddenly remembered a comment he made once, maybe two years ago, in which he was the most transparent, vulnerable and honest I'd seen him on this subject. I'd posed the question to him, "What if there were some event or compelling reason to reunite our families, would you agree?" He kind of went inside himself for a minute and said something like, "I never want to go back to thinking in lies." I totally got it because I'd analyzed in depth the defense mechanisms they'd developed together and separately so they could live with themselves and justify the deception. For him to admit this to me out loud was huge and meant more to me than any detail about what they'd done together. Once this was out and called between us, he never regressed on that particular topic.

 

As for my SIL, I have no reason to think she's changed her thinking about the affair, me or my family, but what she thinks doesn’t matter. But lest I forget in my high-mindedness, I should recap: The first year she continued defending their friendship (though no longer ‘family’), calling the PA episodes "stupid" accidents, insisting I also apologize for past grievances and accept blame, pretending no contact was her idea. The second and third years, she began a campaign to reunite, approaching me on vulnerable topics or occasions—invitations to stay with her for family funerals, emailing updates about family property or my brother’s health, foisting her affection on me during and after the death of my brother. She was waiting for his death to reunite us and fix everything.

 

Yes, that should do it. Visualize SIL: an effective antidote to unprovoked high-mindedness.

 

So the question really is whether inviting her is as important to my son as not seeing her is to my husband and me.

 

This sounds like wonderful input from your H!

 

He let you know how he feels about it - and established he has a boundary that considers your feelings too.

 

I hope the wedding can be a time to bond as family without any distractions from unneeded drama.

[sandylee1]

She doesn't deserve to be there one tiny bit.

[Try]

He gave several reasons:

- He doesn't want to be reminded of "all that."

- He doesn't want people thinking about that at our son's wedding.

- He doesn't want to risk more upset for me because it's been hard enough as it is.

Your husband's reasons are all very sound, with "He doesn't want people thinking about that at our son's wedding" being the strongest reason. You and your husband need to be able to enjoy this as a purely happy day, free from the poison that will come with this woman if she goes to the wedding.

 

So the question really is whether inviting her is as important to my son as not seeing her is to my husband and me.

That is not the question. You were the one cheated on, so on this specif topic what you think should matter more than what your son thinks. As good parents most of us get use to always defaulting to what is best for our children, but he not a child anymore, and as an adult he needs to recognize that your feelings on this topic is what matters most.

[BetrayedH]

You were the one cheated on, so on this specif topic what you think should matter more than what your son thinks. As good parents most of us get use to always defaulting to what is best for our children, but he not a child anymore, and as an adult he needs to recognize that your feelings on this topic is what matters most.

 

I respectfully disagree with this.

 

It's your son's wedding day. It's about him and his bride. The decision about whom to invite ahould be their's alone. I do think it's perfectly acceptable to express your wishes. And I think you can make compelling arguments that it's the right thing to do for them as well. I suspect that the last thing they want is for this wedding to become about his aunt's affair with his father. Frankly, it makes sense not to invite her. And his mother and father's wishes should also be compelling.

 

My hope is that he'll see the wisdom in such a decision and eliminate the source of the problem: a troublesome ex-relative.

 

But if he doesn't see that wisdom and decides to invite her, it does put the ball back in your court where you and your husband will have decide what is more important: NC with her or your attendance at your son's wedding. And that dilemma is not your son's fault.

[merrmeade]

I respectfully disagree with this.

 

It's your son's wedding day. It's about him and his bride. The decision about whom to invite ahould be their's alone. I do think it's perfectly acceptable to express your wishes. And I think you can make compelling arguments that it's the right thing to do for them as well. I suspect that the last thing they want is for this wedding to become about his aunt's affair with his father. Frankly, it makes sense not to invite her. And his mother and father's wishes should also be compelling.

 

My hope is that he'll see the wisdom in such a decision and eliminate the source of the problem: a troublesome ex-relative.

 

But if he doesn't see that wisdom and decides to invite her, it does put the ball back in your court where you and your husband will have decide what is more important: NC with her or your attendance at your son's wedding. And that dilemma is not your son's fault.

Well, you do have a point there, and I certainly hope it doesn't come to this. But, you're right, this is where we show our kids that we live what we teach. Mine and my husband's problem, our boundaries. My son's wedding, life, and independence. But I can't see him ignoring —

"That woman slept with my husband while cheating on my brother and she has yet to express true remorse for any of it. In short order after my brother died, she remarried. She's hardly family. Your father and I don't want to see her there. While we respect that this is your wedding and your decision, we respectfully ask that she not be invited. We've got no objections to your cousins being invited. They've done nothing wrong."

[BetrayedH]

Well, you do have a point there, and I certainly hope it doesn't come to this. But, you're right, this is where we show our kids that we live what we teach. Mine and my husband's problem, our boundaries. My son's wedding, life, and independence. But I can't see him ignoring —

 

I have a feeling that you're right.

 

I have a feeling that his mother's wisdom and logic is going to be compelling. I suspect he was raised well.