Change for you

[Mendalore]

This post is going to be a bit of a mind dump, so bear with me...

 

It's generally accepted that you shouldn't change yourself for other people.

 

Sometimes change is a good thing! Sometimes it takes your interactions with others to make you see the change that you need, or want, to make.

 

Sometimes it's a big gray area. How can you discern between changing something for yourself and for others? There are many things I'm trying right now that I can't decide if I'm doing for my own betterment or because it's what others may think will make me "better."

 

Some examples:

 

1) I had a spare tire to get rid of, so I took up running about 3 months ago. I *hated* it at first. Loathed it, despised it, even. Today, I can't imagine going more than a day without running at least 5k. I still have a slight spare tire, but it's reduced drastically. The funny part is that I don't think I would have initiated this change if it weren't for breaking up with this girl I was dating before that. My spare tire wasn't the reason we broke up, but that breakup was a very large catalyst for change.

 

2) I quit smoking tobacco. I did the patch for about 5 weeks and it worked great. I was at a concert a few weeks ago and bummed a puff off a friend and it made me sick. Never doing that **** again. Another positive change that I didn't want to do at first, but worked out for my best interest.

 

Now comes the more complicated items that are in-progress.

 

3) I'm trying to make myself more attractive to others. That doesn't mean growing a beard, growing out a man bun, or losing weight (I'm doing the latter for me), but just becoming a person who's truly comfortable in his own skin. I'm also trying to dabble in trying to find a passion in life. They say nothing is more attractive than confidence, goal-orientation, and drive.

 

#3 is horribly difficult because the very idea of it is validation-seeking and contrary to the real goal.

 

That said, as of right now, I don't have a passion. I'm not goal-oriented and I don't really have drive. I'm not a type A personality by any stretch of the imagination. When I picture confidence, goal-orientation, and drive, I think of this:

 

I've heard it said that women would sooner date a line cook or starving artist if they have dreams and aspirations of being an executive chef or owning a gallery versus someone with a pedestrian office job. If not their profession, then at least some sort of passion that consumes their free time and is creative. A hobby that they know almost everything about and requires a lot of time and skill. Lastly, goal-orientation. Set a goal and achieve it. Say you'll go to Europe in two years. Have kids by 40. Plan for retirement.

 

None of that applies to me. My energy level is pretty low and, even though I enjoy things and look forward to them, I'm not the excitable type.

 

I've been progressing in my career, normally, and make decent money. I have a decently prestigious position with a very large company. It hasn't taken that much "drive" to do it, though. While I care about my career and have been leveling up in it, I wouldn't consider myself "career oriented."

 

I have many varied interests, but no passions. I love cars, movies, music, cooking, technology, traveling, theatre, trying new things, winter sports, cycling, games(video, board, and card), beer, and so much more.

 

None of these items are PASSIONS, though. I have season tickets to Playhouse Square, thoroughly enjoy EVERY show I see there, but don't like it enough to dive into the who's-in-whats, directors, or the info behind it all. I love cars, but I can't race them or build them with my current living and money situation. Think of it like this - A person who likes reading books, but would never join a book club because they don't want to discuss subtext or the author's other work.

 

I'd say my passion is just "happiness" or "enjoying life," but that seems like a cop out...

 

My biggest goals right now are basically losing my gut, becoming a more well-rounded person, and becoming more attractive/finding someone with whom I can share my happiness. BS goals that no woman would find attractive. It's not a goal of mine to have kids, own a house, or even retire. I have long-term goals, but they're really more bucket list items, not things towards which you can measure progress.

 

TL;DR - So, after brain dumping for WAY too many lines, my question is that should I make an attempt to become more career, passion, and goal-oriented? I seem to be progressing through life with a high level of enjoyment and reward as it is, so should I not worry about it? Changing that stuff may make me more attractive, potentially more successful, etc, but it seems like I've got a great balance right now...

[Mendalore]

After rereading what I wrote, I suppose it would also be helpful if I didn't compare myself to others so much...heh. Though we do need to do so to a certain extent, yeah?

[shoplocal]

Hmm, good question! I've been told repeatedly not to compare myself to others, and to only make changes for myself. But the flip side of that is that if *you* want to change to improve your status against certain demographics/peers/etc, then you're making the change for you.

[Mendalore]

Yeah, it's funny...

 

For example - to be confident is to be comfortable in your own skin, but I've noticed that the overall recommendation is to never settle and never be satisfied. Those two things tend to be in conflict. I tend to disagree that you should never be satisfied. Always be open to change and new experiences, but if you're always dissatisfied all you're going to get is frustration and empty "needs." If you feel dissatisfied, that'll eventually start to wear on your confidence because if you're dissatisfied with something about yourself, then it's going to seem like a flaw.

 

Steve Jobs said to "Stay hungry. Stay foolish. Never be satisfied, and always push yourself. Do things people say cannot be done."

 

The Dalai Llama said "When you are discontent, you always want more, more, more. Your desire can never be satisfied. But when you practice contentment you can say to yourself, 'Oh yes - I already have everything that I really need.'"

 

While I agree that it's important to do things that people say cannot be done, I tend to side more with the Llama's viewpoint as it lends itself to inner peace. That said, the Jobs' view is far more attractive.