Went on my gf facebook and found out she used to be a stripper

[RkJose]

So I did something very bad. I trusted my gf and I dont know why I did it, but i logged on to her facebook account last week and found out she used to be a stripper for 2 years 4 years ago. I am not proud for reading conversations of her and her friends and I am really ashamed I did it. I am judging myself like crazy for this and I am hurt, even more hurt because she has not told me this. For 1 year she has told me many old stories of her but always omitted this. Now I feel like I will never be able to look at her the same, which is unfair because I really love her and have never lived so happy and true moments with anyone else. As weird as it sounds I always so her as pure and transparent, even though I already knew she was not innocent and had a sex number as high as mine. And I am sure she loves me and would never cheat on me right now. We were planning a life together. But finding out she used to be a stripper is getting on my head. Although I am sure she only saw this a work, has never ****ed any of her costumers and that she always valued sex as a close thing - the idea of her giving full nude lap dances is being really hard to accept. And knowing its my fault for finding that out and its making me sad. I can’t focus on anything, can barely sleep and have started to lose my appetite. I am just frustrated and dont know what to do…. she will be hurt if I tell her I looked into her facebook and might never forgive me to invading her privacy like that and finding this out but I feel like I will never be able to hide this from her forever ( although I feel like it would be the best thing to do ). I am afraid to lose her and to lose my mind.. Please help. To sum up we’re far away right now and only get back together in 4 weeks. Am I wrong for feeling hurt she did this and hid from me? Should I tell her? Is telling this through camera too bad? I feel like if she really does love me she will understand and will want to try getting over it but I dont know, she might also hate me forever.. Maybe there is another way to tell her I found out? I have noticed she will never confess this as I ve been bringing related topics for the past week. Please help!!

[casey.lives]

She doesn't need to tell.... Your the man who's in the present and hopefully to the future.. It doesn't mean she's untrustworthy or a liar... It means she's her own person and that was her a part of her life ..... and so what?!! Unless her stripping derived from extreme materialism or a thrill seeking lifestyle .. it shouldn't bear any relevance to what you share together.

[lolablue17]

Yes, I advice you to tell her you know, and tell her how did you find out. Why?

 

Because then you can watch her reaction. If she's offended by your invading her privacy, it's legitimate and natural, but it also should be balanced by the fact that she didn't tell you about that part in her past. She did something wrong, you did something wrong, you can find the way to love each other more and to be closer.

 

But if she's going crazy, focused ONLY about her privacy, it's a red flag because it shows you that when there's trouble, her instincts are to think only about herself, blaming you for everything.

[Friskyone4u]

If this is bothering you so much, I do not see how you are going to resolve this without talking to your girlfriend. And her " outrage" if it occurs of you seeing her FB should be stopped right away and she should be explaining why she chose not to tell you and yet apparently is still discussing her stripping adventures on FB.

 

My question is if she stopped doing this years ago what or who is she discussing it with at this timne.?????? Is it a friend who is thinking of doing it??? If it is something she is hiding from you, I am surprised she is putting it out there on FB so maybe you might explain that one a little as to the context of what she is posting about it.

 

Now as far as what she did, you knowe she also had sex with as many partners as you, so the lap dances are really not the issue. The lack of honestly is if you two are planning a future together.

 

In this day of pornigraphic saturation, I am sure you are not the first or last guy with a girlfriend who has not shared her partici0pation in the "adult" industry since there seems to be no shortage of folks who work in strip clubs or make pornin movies. These women who are in these are all someones girlfriend, wife, or daughter, and not all are drug addicts or hookers.

 

So I would concentrate more on the "lie by ommission" she has done, and if you two are not living together or if you do not have your finances as "joint" , until you sort this out, you might be cautious if she appears to have a lot more money than she shold have because she knows exactly how to pad her income real quick. But from what you say this occurred years ago and is not something you think is still going on, which would be a much bigger deal.

 

You did the snooping, can't change that. So tell her to get over the anger when you talk, and talk to you about why she did not share this with you but is sharing it with others online. THAT IS A RED FLAG of sorts.

[loveweary11]

Unless she brings it up, take it to the grave.

 

The only person here who did anything wring was you.

 

You shouldn't have invaded her privacy and looked into her past. Many people would break up with you because in this situation, YOU are the only person who can't be trusted.

 

She did nothing wrong. You did.

 

Better keep quiet.

[kitty12345]

She should have told you. I too , wouldn't be able to look at her the same way ever again,if she was my gf.

 

I don't know about you, but I have some strong deal breakers and this : hiding big part of past and being a stripper, are among them.

 

If you decide to break up , do it clean. Don't tell the real issue. Make up a vague reason.

[MightyPen]

Yeah this is a big nondisclosure on her part. I know she doesn't want to lead with "Hey I was a stripper" when trying to build a relationship, and everyone is entitled to a fresh start, but at the same time, it IS the sort of thing that should be disclosed before things get super serious, because it creates visuals that you can't scrub out of your head.

 

 

There's another thread going where the OP justifies her snooping on a "gut feeling" and/or "woman's intuition," so I'm not sure you'll get a lot of grief for snooping in this case since it did reveal some pretty damn important information that she should have told you.

[RkJose]

Friskyone4you, it wasn't recently conversations. i scrolled up a little on one of her gf talks.... They had stopped talking on facebook and i think started talking on chat so it wasn't too far up. Anyways I think the only hurt person if I dont forgive her here is me, and bringing it up by telling her i invaded her privacy will only bring about more pain. So I think maybe the better option here is forgiveness? I will try forgiving the fact she hasn't yet told me and that she was a stripper. And I will try to make her trust me until a point she is comfortable enough to tell me this. I sincerely love this girl and I feel like her having going through this in her life will make her value me and what we have for ever. She knows how bad life can get and I have showed her how good it can be. She will never cheat on me or go back to doing this, and that I am sure. The only question here is how to forgive and leave things in the past. Everything can be forgiven right? Here I need to forgive her and to forgive myself. Telling her what I did will make me the guilty one and that will be even harder to forgive.

[Friskyone4u]

That is totally YOUR CALL.

 

If you can get it out of your head, that is great.

 

the fact you posted here meant it was really bothering you.

 

do what you need to do for you.

[RkJose]

Im not saying its already not bothering me, it is and it really is. I seriously have a constant feeling of having butterflies in my stomach that only went away when I thought about the possibility of forgiving her. So maybe I can try doing that and if I can, we will move on and our relationship stay strong and then, I will think I will have become a better human. If I really can't I will have to open it to her and hope that our relationship is strong enough to go through it. After all I think I did something wrong but not fully wrong as like someone said, she did have things to hide in there.

[dads new boyfriend]

You deserve to know if you are dating a former sex worker, she should have told you and I would be wondering If there's anything else that she hasn't told you about.

[Lois_Griffin]

Unless she brings it up, take it to the grave.

 

The only person here who did anything wring was you.

 

You shouldn't have invaded her privacy and looked into her past. Many people would break up with you because in this situation, YOU are the only person who can't be trusted.

 

She did nothing wrong. You did.

 

Better keep quiet.

Yes, and while you're at it, why don't you lay down on the floor the next time she comes over so she can wipe her feet on your back? Good lord.

 

RkJose, the first thing you need to do is toughen up. You're acting like a scared little rabbit instead of a man. Knock it off. Weak needy men are not attractive at ALL.

 

Secondly, something told you to log onto her Facebook. And what you found was significant. She bold-faced LIED to you about her past.

 

There are a lot of guys who would absolutely NOT date a past stripper, and she took that option of deciding away from you by blatantly lying by omission.

 

Now you know the truth.

 

You'd damned well better believe I'd be in her face about it. Now is not the time to be a weakling without a voice. That's already gotten you lied to and taken advantage of, so it's time to man up and find your voice.

 

'Take it to the grave,' my ass.

[Chi townD]

well, I know that some are telling you not to say anything. But, in my opinion, the cat is out of the bag. You're going to need to talk to her about this. Because if you bottle it up inside, then it's going to build and fester. Then, your relationship is going to turn sour. Plus, if she knows you well enough, she knows something will be a little...off with you. She's going to know SOMETHING is wrong.

 

 

Now, it may seem like some are telling you that YOU were in the wrong, and I would partially agree. But, in my opinion again, you were BOTH in the wrong. Yeah, you invaded her privacy, but she should have been upfront and honest with you from the beginning. I mean, what would she have done if the two of you were out to dinner and one of her past customers recognized her and came over to say "Hi". What would she have said to you? Maybe lie to you about him? That's not a good foundation to build a relationship on.

 

 

Now, the question is, that occupation is in her past. That's not who she is anymore. A lot of girls do work in that industry to put themselves through school or are in a really bad financial bind and only do it to dig themselves out. But, what she did in the past isn't who she is now. Question is, can you look past that?

[bubbaganoosh]

How would you have handled it if you and her were out one night and some guy saw her and remembered that the last time he saw her was sliding her ass down a stripper pole and he told you? She would still have to explain it to you.

 

Look sooner or later this would have come out. Either her telling you or like the above mentioned and what a surprise that would be.

 

If this relationship is going somewhere then it needs to be brought out in the open and dealt with.

 

Maybe rather then telling her you were snooping, tell her that you heard it through the grapevine and want to know if it's true. Then listen to what she has to say. After she explains herself then you can choose if you want to remain with her or move on.

[salparadise]

Maybe rather then telling her you were snooping, tell her that you heard it through the grapevine and want to know if it's true. Then listen to what she has to say. After she explains herself then you can choose if you want to remain with her or move on.

 

Or ask her if she's ever been to a strip club... see if she has memory loss issues.

 

I think most guys would not want to be in a relationship with a sex worker, and you should've had the option to make this decision for yourself. And given the nature of strip clubs and sex workers you really don't have a clue as to how much more there might be to this story that she forgot to mention.

 

I don't know you or your relationship, but I'd have a hard time getting past this regardless of explanations at this point. First because she's a former sex worker, and secondly because she deceived you and took lured you into a relationship under false pretenses - not giving you the choice to assess if that fact is inconsistent with your values.

 

How you found out is inconsequential relative to the gravity of the deception.

[Friskyone4u]

Still your call, but I agree with those that are still telling you not to rugsweep this.

 

Long term relationships are biult oin TRUST . You may very well decide after you talk to her that it is in the past and let it go. Or, as some have suggested, you masy find out there is more.

 

One thing is for sure. You do NOT want to be married with two or three little kiddies running around and find out there was a lot more.

 

I am not condeming or condoning her sex work, but if she was Ok with sliding around naked on mens dicks there is a possibility there is more to this. The time to find out is now.

 

Amd get over your guil;t. The snooping on her facbook was not done nude in public with random strangers so if you weight the two here you are still on the high ground. Just my opinion

[RkJose]

Man yes maybe you're right, toughen up I will get through this. I just got off the phone and we touched the sex number thing and again, I just cant believe how she is omitting this. It is sad but if she does not tell me this I will lose my respect and feelings for her.

[RkJose]

Now is it a very bad call to try to do it at the distance? through Skype? I think I will give it a couple days but Im sad I will need to hurt her feelings but if she does not tell me this for herself, I am starting to think our relationship will have no future. And I have already asked her if she was ever offered a job as a stripper.,, saying i saw it as an okay job to do temporarily. Well she said no, but that she knew a girl who had been a stripper and that was out of the business now.

[RkJose]

We were planning being together for new years. Dont know if I should wait til then or if I should tell it before. Thank you all for the words its making me feel better!

[salparadise]

And I have already asked her if she was ever offered a job as a stripper.,, saying i saw it as an okay job to do temporarily. Well she said no, but that she knew a girl who had been a stripper and that was out of the business now.

 

Hmmm. She's doubling down on the deception.

 

I think you have all the information you need at this point... unless you're willing to wonder if she's lying every time her mouth moves from this point forward.

[Chi townD]

Now is it a very bad call to try to do it at the distance? through Skype? I think I will give it a couple days but Im sad I will need to hurt her feelings but if she does not tell me this for herself, I am starting to think our relationship will have no future. And I have already asked her if she was ever offered a job as a stripper.,, saying i saw it as an okay job to do temporarily. Well she said no, but that she knew a girl who had been a stripper and that was out of the business now.

 

 

Okay dude. I think you're jumping the gun here.

 

 

A lot of girls that have done that, don't want to admit it and would like nothing more than pretend it never happened. They might be ashamed of what they did. I mean, I don't know too many girls that BRAG that they used to strip. And they would rather leave it in the past and not talk about it.

 

 

She may not have brought it up because she was ashamed of it and was afraid on how you would react. And judging by your reaction now, I guess she was right.

 

 

Now, before you pass judgment, think about something in your past that you might be ashamed of. Or something that you did and if you could go back in time and change it, you would. I seriously think that you need to TALK to her. See the bold? Talk, not accuse or be judgmental.

[road]

She should have told you. I too , wouldn't be able to look at her the same way ever again,if she was my gf.

 

I don't know about you, but I have some strong deal breakers and this : hiding big part of past and being a stripper, are among them.

 

If you decide to break up , do it clean. Don't tell the real issue. Make up a vague reason.

 

 

She lied and you see how that made a mess. Yet you must fail to see that because you advised the OP to continue with more lies.

[drifter777]

Are you going to have mental images of her motor-boating and lap-dancing random guys? If you get past that hurdle then you just might start suspecting that she went a little farther and had oral or full-on sex with some of these guys. Are these images that you can live with? Can you stop judging her? If not then you shouldn't waste your or her time with this relationship.

 

Obviously, she doesn't admit it to you because she's ashamed of it. If you want to get it out in the open you are going to have to bring it up on your own. She'll be pissed because you snooped but you can point out that she couldn't hide it forever and better now than later on.

 

Be an adult and do what you think is best for you. Good luck.

[JS84]

Not married? No kids? Long distance? Hiding past as sex worker? Her undisclosed past ****ing with your head?

 

 

Pull the plug.

[Space Ritual]

Dude, I've dated a few strippers in my life and I have a little bit of advice. For what its worth, you can take it or leave it.

 

It takes someone with a boatload of self confidence to date a stripper who is actively working as one. It is a different matter altogether with someone that used to do it, is lying to you by omission and commission about doing it, and having to find out about it on your won

 

Whatever her motives, she is trying to protect herself. And the fact is that in even the best of circumstances its usually a short stay for a guy in Stripperville. It is just a fact. Nothing you can do about it.

 

You have nothing to feel bad about with invading her privacy, because you did nothing of the sort, for you invaded her secrecy. And you found out something that for many would be a deal breaker. I get that it may not be one for you.

 

However do not continue by rugsweeping this. You have a Knight in Armor complex by the tone of your posts. The fact of the matter is you can't be sure WHAT she is or isnt doing. You had to discover it all on your own. She did not give you a chance to know who it was you were dealing with. And that is a Red Flag in any language.

 

 

She kept this from you, what else is she keeping from you?And why has this come up in a recent conversation from someone that used to be a stripper? Maybe thinking about all the money and all the attention they no longer have? I think not. Id be willing to bet she still dallies in the Game.

 

But you are the Nice guy...you know, the one she can compartmentalize with providing her emotional support while someone else provides her with some physical needs. And you, young man are going to get burned.

 

I was able to walk away from Strippers after dating them because I could separate the fantasy of the great sex from the daily drama of the other side of it. The guys catcalling her on dates, hitting on her right in front of me, you know all the stuff that comes with the territory. Well maybe not since you just discovered it but maybe now some of her more odd behaviors can now be explained by her past.

 

Again, it is always a short stay in Stripperville.

 

Just ask yourself if you want to deal with drama on a long term basis. You think you have drama now, after this revelation you can expect a Steamer Trunk full of it down the line.

 

Dude, she kept it from you for a reason that has nothing to do with you. It is all about her. Just be happy you got to tap some hot young thing for awhile and move on.