Went on my gf facebook and found out she used to be a stripper

[RkJose]

Okay dude. I think you're jumping the gun here.

 

She may not have brought it up because she was ashamed of it and was afraid on how you would react. And judging by your reaction now, I guess she was right.

Now, before you pass judgment, think about something in your past that you might be ashamed of. Or something that you did and if you could go back in time and change it, you would. I seriously think that you need to TALK to her. See the bold? Talk, not accuse or be judgmental.

 

Last night I had decided to tell her and move on. Maybe it will hurt in the beginning and i will get over it. But you know.. I think you are right I am jumping one step. I need to consider that people change and what she did in the past is in her past and yes she did not tell me because she is ashamed and afraid she will lose me. And she really has changed.Today she is a beautiful person and we like doing exactly the same things, we have the same vibe, and it feels amazing and true being together with her. I really think that the fact she has lived bad experience related to sex and love in the past will make her value me and never **** me over. I know for a fact she doesn't cheat on me nor think about it..

 

But I cannot deny, the fact that she is lying about this to me may start changing how I feel about her and therefore, I NEED to talk to her about it. I will again try to make her tell me on her own, as if she had told me, this would mean that she is really someone a can trust. If she doesn't, I will need to tell her what i did and then, ask her for some time. We have both done a mistake, her for hiding this from me (as ashamed or afraid she could be) and me for not trusting her. So I need to tell her this and give ourselves some time to heal and forgive each other. We will both need it and if she REALLY LOVES me, she will forgive me and fight to regain my trust and win me back. I do believe I can forgive her with time, slowly, so this would be the only way out. Well. if she doesn't forgive me for invading her privacy knowing she also did a big mistake on hiding such a big thing about her history, then this will prove that we would never really have been happy as she puts herself first always and did not really deserve me. Then I will need to heal alone to one day open myself up again.

[road]

But I cannot deny, the fact that she is lying about this to me may start changing how I feel about her and therefore, I NEED to talk to her about it. I will again try to make her tell me on her own, as if she had told me, this would mean that she is really someone a can trust. If she doesn't, I will need to tell her what i did and then, ask her for some time. We have both done a mistake, her for hiding this from me (as ashamed or afraid she could be) and me for not trusting her. So I need to tell her this and give ourselves some time to heal and forgive each other. We will both need it and if she REALLY LOVES me, she will forgive me and fight to regain my trust and win me back. I do believe I can forgive her with time, slowly, so this would be the only way out. Well. if she doesn't forgive me for invading her privacy knowing she also did a big mistake on hiding such a big thing about her history, then this will prove that we would never really have been happy as she puts herself first always and did not really deserve me. Then I will need to heal alone to one day open myself up again.

 

 

 

You are just like her. You are playing games and not being up front and honest. Just like two peas in a pod.

 

 

Honesty is needed to break clean or to salvage this relationship.

[Maxtor]

Everyone is missing the point.

 

Doesnt matter if he invaded her privacy.

 

If she hided the fact that she was a stripper,

 

what else is she hiding?

[kgcolonel]

OP, Is your GF the girl you want today minus the omission and the stripping? Does the stripping bother you? If so, what about the stripping is the issue? i.e. might run into someone who recognizes her, moral issue of the occupation etc?

 

We all have skeletons, it would appear that you both have them even if yours is only that you looked at her FB without permission. She may not be able to get past that any more that you may not be able to get past the issue regarding the omission / stripping, (whichever it is).

 

If she is the girl today that you want minus the above issues, I would look at her and tell her that what ever is in her past is part of what makes her the woman she is today. You love her and hope that one day she will trust you enough to share completely her journey from the beginning to now so you have a greater insight as to how she became the wonderful lade she is.

 

just a thought.

[Chi townD]

Last night I had decided to tell her and move on. Maybe it will hurt in the beginning and i will get over it. But you know.. I think you are right I am jumping one step. I need to consider that people change and what she did in the past is in her past and yes she did not tell me because she is ashamed and afraid she will lose me. And she really has changed.Today she is a beautiful person and we like doing exactly the same things, we have the same vibe, and it feels amazing and true being together with her. I really think that the fact she has lived bad experience related to sex and love in the past will make her value me and never **** me over. I know for a fact she doesn't cheat on me nor think about it..

 

But I cannot deny, the fact that she is lying about this to me may start changing how I feel about her and therefore, I NEED to talk to her about it. I will again try to make her tell me on her own, as if she had told me, this would mean that she is really someone a can trust. If she doesn't, I will need to tell her what i did and then, ask her for some time. We have both done a mistake, her for hiding this from me (as ashamed or afraid she could be) and me for not trusting her. So I need to tell her this and give ourselves some time to heal and forgive each other. We will both need it and if she REALLY LOVES me, she will forgive me and fight to regain my trust and win me back. I do believe I can forgive her with time, slowly, so this would be the only way out. Well. if she doesn't forgive me for invading her privacy knowing she also did a big mistake on hiding such a big thing about her history, then this will prove that we would never really have been happy as she puts herself first always and did not really deserve me. Then I will need to heal alone to one day open myself up again.

 

 

Look at the bold, dude. Stop pussyfooting around it and tell her straight out, "Look, we have to talk. I found some stuff out about your past. Why didn't you tell me?" Time to get to the meat and potato's of the matter. Forget doing the, "So, is there anything you want to tell me? ANYTHING at all??" Direct, to the point and face your problems. You can't fix a problem if all you're doing is dancing around it.

 

 

But, I also want you to remember the first paragraph you wrote in your last post. You got a loving and caring girl. Someone that is super cool and knows how to treat her man right. That knows how to be loyal and would never consider cheating on you. And you want to throw that away over something that happened in her past?!?!? A past that you were NEVER a part of?

[Friskyone4u]

Look at the bold, dude. Stop pussyfooting around it and tell her straight out, "Look, we have to talk. I found some stuff out about your past. Why didn't you tell me?" Time to get to the meat and potato's of the matter. Forget doing the, "So, is there anything you want to tell me? ANYTHING at all??" Direct, to the point and face your problems. You can't fix a problem if all you're doing is dancing around it.

 

 

But, I also want you to remember the first paragraph you wrote in your last post. You got a loving and caring girl. Someone that is super cool and knows how to treat her man right. That knows how to be loyal and would never consider cheating on you. And you want to throw that away over something that happened in her past?!?!? A past that you were NEVER a part of?

 

 

Excellent points above by ChiTown. Your problem is you are NEVER going to know which of your mixed feelings are true and correct if you try to bury this and rugsweep.

 

You need to see her reaction and explanation for the lying by omission in order to settle this in your mind. my guess is she will tell you she did not tell you because it has scared other guys away and she really cared about you. That may be understandable UNTIL your relationship reaches the point where you are planning a future. that future has to be started with the truth.

 

Remember, it is PROBABLY not the case, but a lot of girls in that business make money a bunch of different ways and you surely do not want to find out some other way/ And i think you also might want to be reassured by her explanation that there is not something deep inside her that needs this external validation and "high" from the attention of other men.

 

get the facts before you do anything and do not try to "fool" her into telling you because if you do that you will certainly only get the bare minimum.

[TexasMan68]

So what if this is something she did in her past as an act of desperation and is totally embarrassed by for it? Maybe she is afraid that any decent guy would judge her and not be able to see her for who she really is. Everyone makes mistakes in their life and has something in their past their not proud of. Take you actions when you hacked her FB account. You might want to ask her if she is interested in having a long term relationship with an insecure like dick who doesn't have the balls to ask her straight to her face about her past. Hacking accounts is illegal BTW and it could come back to bite you in the ass.

[RkJose]

Totally embarassed? Do you think someone can do something that she thinks is the end pf the world or extremely degrading for 2-3 years? Seriously im trying not to judge but .. 2-3years? She should have told me.

[Friskyone4u]

RK

 

You are correct. Unless she was in some deep financial hole or there was some other reason, there is more to this. And if you riugsweep it and pretend you do not know you will never know the answer.

 

2-3 years of stripping does certainly not indicate she hated it. Most of those that do this for that long get addicted to the easy money in relation to working a regular job. And that easy money is how many strippers get into worse activities. And it sounds like you already know where she was working was NOT just a topless jiggle joint but a totally nude place.

 

There was an episode of Dr. Phil recently, where he interviewed a former female US Olypian who turned high priced call girl, and he explanaiton was the "power" and thrill she got that kept her at it as well as the easy money.

 

So I agree totally with you. If she had done this for a few months for financial reasons it would ber different. But 2'3 years she liked it and you need to know what if anything else she did or why.

 

Just my opinion

[kgcolonel]

RK, I agree with the above poster....I personally would approach her and let her know what you know but would proceed this with "because I see so much promise in the relationship and because I want our R built on trust and honesty, I want to talk to you about a couple of things".....

 

Maybe by confessing that you snooped and are truly remorseful about that, she will find it safer to discuss her past.

 

 

If not, maybe there is something behind that period that would have eventually prevented a truly meaningful long-term relationship.

[Try]

Totally embarassed? Do you think someone can do something that she thinks is the end pf the world or extremely degrading for 2-3 years? Seriously im trying not to judge but .. 2-3years? She should have told me.

You are on the money with this post. She did not tell you this very important fact that she was a stripper for so many years because she was trying to manipulate you. I can understand her not telling you when you first started to date, but once things started to get serious she should have told you if she was an honest and truthful person. With her having been a stripper, and with her lying to you about it, you have to ask yourself if she is good wife material. BTW, with her being a stripper for so long, and with her willingness to lie to you, it is very possible that she had a lot more sex partners than she has told you, and she may have also been paid for sex by some. The worst part about all this is that you will probably never know the full truth about all of this.

 

Also, stop putting you looking at her Facebook account on the same level as her not telling you that she was a professional stripper. They are not even close to the same level. Besides, you looking only showed that you did not trust her, and your gut turned out to be right.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Stop pussyfooting around it and tell her straight out, "Look, we have to talk. I found some stuff out about your past. Why didn't you tell me?" Time to get to the meat and potato's of the matter. Forget doing the, "So, is there anything you want to tell me? ANYTHING at all??" Direct, to the point and face your problems. You can't fix a problem if all you're doing is dancing around it.

 

 

Isn't that an example of "dancing/pussyfooting around" the problem you pretend to suggest not dancing around?

 

 

"I found out some stuff about your past... Is there anything you want to tell me?..."

 

 

That pussyfooting around is likely to draw a confession along the lines of her having bullied some kid for his lunch money back in 4th grade.

 

 

The OP would be better off going out there to hazard a guess as to how many strippers there really ARE out there... (before surely then imagining that those types of people will never be qualified to mate with decent human beings).

 

 

It's either that, or he recognize how completely overblown his concerns really are.

 

 

In 2015 we are trending toward a point where one's sexual past is no business of the current partner, and while it is quite probable that one's stripper past overlaps considerably one's sexual past, it remains no business of the current partner.

[RkJose]

Okay so am i being silly for feeling like this? I gave her the time and kind of pressured a confession out of her. Amd i just said i connected a few dots. She said she didnt want to tell me ever because she doesnt tell anyone as she wants to forget. And that she was dumb and young and just did for the money. And drugs, which she stopped consuming. She doesnt really know why she did it and feels ashamed. And i think thats fair. I am happy she told me but it still doesnt feel true to my heart. I feel like what i did also needs to get out there and be forgiven. We re both kind and compassionate so after some time i believe we mag forgive and it maybe true again. So im thinking in telling her the truth, say its for the truth of our love and ask for some time. But i may lose her if i tell her. And if i dont tell her i feel like this secret inside me will never allow me to be the same with her again. As i do feel guilty but i mean it happened, so... What do you think? Am i silly for feeling like this and the feeling will go away?

[Friskyone4u]

RK,

 

Two things.

 

Stop comparing looking at her facebook with grinding nude on guys for two years, regardless of reason. Sure she did it for the money, and if she was on drugs for two to three years that heavily that she needed to strip and give lap dances to support her "habit", she must have been pretty hooked on drigs, another little issue she forgot to tell you about.

 

So now you have to worry also about her starting to do drugs again because she knows how to pay for them easily, and you still apparently did not get much detail on if all she did was "dance". Because if there is more that means you still do not have the truth, which is essential.

 

If she expects you to "get over" this on the basis of this one conversation, then she sure as hell better not make a big deal out of you looking her facebook. As a matter of fact she should encourage it even if you do not in order to regain some trust here.

[sandylee1]

I wouldn't tell her you snooped... but you need to know what other stuff she may have done .... like did she do extras for money......you need to know how far she'd go for money. People can change...that's true.

 

I've done stuff I wouldn't brag about........things I'd rather block out for good......but if she felt that way....she shouldn't have left any trace of the conversations.

 

How old were the conversations? If they were recent conversations, then I'm not sure she's really ashamed and is just telling you that.

[Space Ritual]

Okay so am i being silly for feeling like this? I gave her the time and kind of pressured a confession out of her. Amd i just said i connected a few dots. She said she didnt want to tell me ever because she doesnt tell anyone as she wants to forget. And that she was dumb and young and just did for the money. And drugs, which she stopped consuming. She doesnt really know why she did it and feels ashamed. And i think thats fair. I am happy she told me but it still doesnt feel true to my heart. I feel like what i did also needs to get out there and be forgiven. We re both kind and compassionate so after some time i believe we mag forgive and it maybe true again. So im thinking in telling her the truth, say its for the truth of our love and ask for some time. But i may lose her if i tell her. And if i dont tell her i feel like this secret inside me will never allow me to be the same with her again. As i do feel guilty but i mean it happened, so... What do you think? Am i silly for feeling like this and the feeling will go away?

 

I'm sorry your post has me laughing heartily out loud. She knows exactly why she was stripping...Money, Drugs and Attention. It's pretty much a cliche, but an accurate one.

 

 

Sorry man, but you are simply too Beta to be in a relationship with a Stripper, either former or current. She is still in the game or considering getting back in it if she really stopped. And you are about to get run over by a relationship truck when everyone is yelling at you to get the hell out of the way. Guys like you get chewed up and spit out, and that's what is about to happen.

 

You've had it. It's over. move on.

 

Yeah I know that was harsh, but you seem to be looking for any reason to stay with her.

[RkJose]

I have taken my decision !!! will live the now and let the time tell! I'd forgotten about a piece of me that existed 1 year ago. It is back in the game now. For real, life is too short to keep worrying. I won't tell her and I will sure pay attention not to get chewed up. This gives me an advantage on what is going on. THANK YOU all for the advices and words!!! This site is incredible and I am grateful to all of you. It has been an important week in my life!

[smackie9]

I think once she sees that this relationship is heading into something more serious, she will tell you.....right now she isn't ready to talk about that part of her life. If things are great now then why worry about it. Just my two cents.

[Try]

She said she didnt want to tell me ever because she doesnt tell anyone as she wants to forget.

She never planned to tell you "ever". This is a lie by omission that she intended to be a permanent part of her relationship with you. What else has she not told you that she will take to the grave? Did she have sex with other men that paid her because she needed the money? Did she have sex with other men that gave her drugs in exchange for sex? With her lack of sexual inhibitions, how likely is she to cross boundaries with other men in the future. What if she could advance her career by sleeping with her boss?

 

With no children and so little time invested in this relationship, I for one would not want to deal with it. Her past would be a deal breaker for me. But to each his own.

[66Charger]

It is ridiculous to think that any woman who WAS in the trade would not want to take that to her grave. For most men that would be a automatic deal breaker, hence the secret until she has built a foundation. Is it a foundation built on ommission? Yes it is. Is it understandable? I think so. She had to gamble. She may still lose. Some questions should be ask and clarified before you really make a decision. The why is the most important one. Financial considerations may be a moral issue, but perhaps not a character one. Using drugs to mask the reality is normal in the trade. More than likely, her soul could not come to terms with her reality, therefore the drugs.

 

Question for you. Is prostitution a life sentence? Can one ever be worthy, if this path is taken? I dont know that answer, but time does answer all questions eventually. Your answer may be no, another, yes

 

If you love this woman or even really like her and she honestly feels the same, go for a walk with her and talk it out.

 

The full speed ahead, you only live once, not caring but taking the sex, shows a huge character flaw on your part. It is without honor. Dont be that kind of guy.

 

The real question does not lie with her. It lies with you. If you cannot give your relationship a a honest shot, perhaps you should let this one go

Edited December 4, 2015 by 66Charger

[Friskyone4u]

RKJOse,

 

If you want to try to accept this and continue this relationship that is OK. That is your call.

 

But unfortunately, you cannot unknow what you already now know. Since the cat is out of the bag, you should really really press her on the rest of the details.

 

WHY???

 

Because two years from now you do not want to be having mind movies of what else she did or did not do after you are married and have little kids running around.

 

Listen, tons of women who have owrked in the sex business marry and live "normal" lives. Maybe she will. But while I am certainly no expert on strip clubs, everything I read says the real money is made on doing the "extras" in the back rooms, not from guys stuffing $1 bills in her G- String. You need I think to find out if she was having sex, penetrative or not for money, before you make a decision. You need to find out if she was making porn movies or not which many of them do. Because you do not want to find that out AFTER you werre married.

 

No matter what she did, it is still fine to stay with her as long as you can live with the truth. You do not have it all yet. That is my only concern.

 

2-3 years of this is not just getting a little extra cash.

 

So stay with her, that is fine but get it all out there so you make a truly informed decision.

[bathtub-row]

I'm curious as to how you actually were able to look at her Facebook account. Did she give you her password, or did she just leave it open on her computer? Just curious because if she gave you her password, she had to know there was a possibility of you finding out.

 

Whether you choose to overlook her past or not is up to you. But what I find most disturbing, even beyond the omission of this info, is that she was doing it for the drugs. Someone doing this kind of thing to feed their kids is way different than someone doing it for drugs. The reason I say that is because an affiliation to drugs is a very, very serious thing. The question you need to ask yourself is what happens if you're married for about 10 years, run into some problems that are difficult to fix right away, and she goes back to her old way of dealing with things; i.e. drugs. My thoughts on that is that people who are into drugs will often turn to them later in life when the going gets tough. This is something to think about.

[Rydo]

Am I the only one who thinks it isn't a big deal? So she never gave you her CV(resume for americans) when you met? So what? I don't know my current gf's entire job history, maybe she was a stripper? Or even worse worked in a call centre. None of my business though, not like she was a prostitute.

[Poutrew]

Frankly, her story sounds too contrived, too easy. She is probably telling you what you want to hear, as opposed to the truth. Think - if someone so heavily into drugs for 3 years that she uses all her stripper money to buy them, why does she appear so healthy today that you had no idea she was a user? What does a Heroin user look like after using for 3 years? That's right - dead probably. At the least she should be an empty husk of a human being if what she was telling you was the full truth.

 

 

Some call girls are actually really good business women, using men's' desire for sex to line their pockets with the filthy lucre...In your GF's case, I wouldn't be at all surprised if she didn't have a hidden bank account or three with astronomical amounts of money stashed inside. So how would you feel if this were true and she was using you to pay her bills while she keeps her nest egg untouched?

[Spectre]

Tfact she used to allow other men to see her naked for money is something she should of told you. Just like you should expect to be told if your girl used to be a hooker. Doesn't mean they open up with that on the first date, but yeah..she should of told you this.

 

If for no other reason then some men just flat out don't want to be in a relationship with a stripper or a former stripper. A person has a right to choose the type of person they want to be with. A casual relationship? Sure she didn't have to say anything, but if the relationship is serious then yep she would have.

 

I also hate to say this but if she was doing this for drug money then chances are she was probably banging dudes for money as well. If this is the type of girl you want to be with that is fine. But you need to know if it is *not* the type of girl you want to be with that there is nothing wrong with that and nothing wrong with you.

 

Am I the only one who thinks it isn't a big deal? So she never gave you her CV(resume for americans) when you met? So what? I don't know my current gf's entire job history, maybe she was a stripper? Or even worse worked in a call centre. None of my business though, not like she was a prostitute.

 

Yep hookers accept cash for sexual favors. Strippers accept cash for....well, uh, I'm sure the men looking at them nude are not doing so for any sexual reason. They are just SUPER into the art of dance. These are the same guys that read Playboy strictly for the articles. I also know that drug addicted strippers would obviously NEVER think of crossing that line into prostitution either. It's a rare thing and drug addicts are never desperate for money and the money a stripper can make by hooking on the side is probably a pitiful amount which is why it's so rare for stuff like this to happen.

 

So yeah no biggie, not like she was a hooker. She just accepted cash from other people for some form of sexual favor(viewing her naked most certainly falls under that category). Totally different from a hooker.

Edited December 6, 2015 by Spectre