What’s Wrong With Wanting a Lover?

[StBreton]

Haha! Me either! I see what you're saying, and that's an extremely astute observation. One that I never considered. I thought the same thing when I read the article. "If you really never considered yourself someone who needed a man," I thought, "then why did you get married?" If one is perfectly sound and truly happy being alone, then why even bother? Why even engage with someone who is pursuing you? It just reeked of false confidence, like you've stated above.

 

And you're right - we live in a society that's becoming so disconnected from reality, despite the fact that we're digitally more connected than ever before. It's easy to manipulate one's digital story to be perceived a certain way, and this type of behavior is rewarded with likes and followers. "Good for her!" they'll say. "Go on, girl!" they'll clap. No one will applaud the girl who says she has a great life, but also wants a boyfriend or the guy who wants a girlfriend. That's a little TOO honest for this day and age. "That's pathetic," they'll say. "Be happy being alone," they'll say. Living creatures have been getting together with other living creatures since... well, the dawn of living creatures, and I'm no different for wanting that.

 

I just don't think you're catching the nuance of the article or maybe what someone is experiencing when one is ok doing their thing ...yet they are still vulnerable and open to love. I was at that place! And I must have had a "ask me to marry you" sticker on my forehead because in like a 1.5 year span I got 4 marriage proposals ...one guy flew in a few months before my wedding and professed his love and we'd never dated ...just part of the same social circle. I had no idea he'd held a torch for me for years.

 

Being ok single does not mean jaded.

 

And PS LL ...I was 31-32 when this all happened

[oldshirt]

Luck is when preparation meets opportunity.

[ltjg45]

Well, in retrospect, while being happy by yourself and not being desperate to find a partner is needed if you ever hope to find a relationship, the other issue is that you can be so comfortable being single that you lost any desire to be in one if the opportunity ever shows itself.

 

After all, I am 29, never been in a relationship or even kissed a woman yet in my life. I have been single for so long that while I may see women that I am attracted to, I have little desire to approach them for whatever reason that may be. This is partly because I have gotten used to do anything on my own. When I need something to be done, I just do it. I don't ask or rely on anyone to help. If I fail, I blame it squarely on me and rightly so.

 

I guess, in my mind, that if I am capable of success in this world, I will prove it at some point and if I am a failure, that will be shown as well. I just can't see myself letting someone else be a part of whatever results that may come for me one day in the near future.

 

That is how I think. To me, I don't "need" a woman. I only "want" one. I got standards and deal breakers and I have no issues letting go of those that can't meet them. In fact, most women I come across in person typically show one of these traits that I can't tolerate so I obviously never showed my interest to them.

 

With the way I think and the women around me, I am sure I will be in this same position 10 years later if I didn't try my hand at a foreign dating site a year ago. Perhaps, through that, I would be happily married by then.

 

Maybe.......I am just not counting on it.

[lino]

Who shames women into thinking it's wrong for a woman to want a man? I've never heard of it.

 

All those bridal magazines and diamond ring advertisements aren't marketed at men.

All those 'How to nab your dream guy!' articles in trashy women's magazines aren't aimed at men... Not straight ones anyway!

 

Ever watched a Disney movie? Nearly every woman in an English speaking country is raised on those and I don't remember any 'Don't want a lover!' messages in those.

 

Seriously confused.

[shoplocal]

Who shames women into thinking it's wrong for a woman to want a man? I've never heard of it.

 

All those bridal magazines and diamond ring advertisements aren't marketed at men.

All those 'How to nab your dream guy!' articles in trashy women's magazines aren't aimed at men... Not straight ones anyway!

 

Ever watched a Disney movie? Nearly every woman in an English speaking country is raised on those and I don't remember any 'Don't want a lover!' messages in those.

 

Seriously confused.

 

Pretty much every woman in a relationship does, that's who. Also, those magazines and etc with the bridal themes and ads are the same ones with the 'don't want it too much' message. It's talking out of both sides of the mouth, but the message is there.

 

And if you read some of those 'nab your dream guy' articles, you'd see that one of the common pieces of advice is 'don't want him too much, build a satisfying life on your own and then he'll come'.

[Lovelorn00]

I had a similar conversation with my mate although he is single too, says am trying to much that is why it aint happening, what are we supposed to do then??

 

I''m sure our friends are just trying to make sure we aren't acting all desperate, which I understand. No one wants to be with someone who comes across as desperate. But the thing is - I'm not acting desperate at all. Quite the opposite, actually. The last guy I dated, I didn't jump at his every text message or phone call. I didn't agree to every invitation to hang out. I had my own life and stuff to do. Far from desperate.

 

All of this "trying too hard" crap that they beat us down with. I'm over that as well. Yes, I'm trying. Kudos to those who had love just magically fall into their laps one day when they had their heads turned. Good for them. However, I (as a human being) am biologically wired to SEEK (read: "try") out a mate. So, yeah. I'm going to try, and I'm no longer apologizing for it. You shouldn't either.

[Lovelorn00]

I always find statements like this to be weird and not very encouraging.

 

So do I, but it's exactly the kind of advice that I'm getting from friends, books, therapists, and crappy magazine articles like the one I referenced above.

 

Essentially its saying something like "you've got the wrong energy to attract the special purple aura" or some such nonsense.

 

Everyone that isn't you is a "relationship expert."

 

This is exactly why I need to stop putting so much stock into the advice that I receive from these aforementioned sources.

 

I'm sure you aren't standing on a street corner handing out your phone number begging random passerbys to "take you out for just one coffee." That would be 'trying too hard.'

 

And honestly, sitting back and just "letting it happen" can be a way to end up staying single for quite awhile.

 

In fact many of the dateless guys on here whinge about not getting female attention but they also aren't asking girls out!

 

I'm not an attractive woman. This doesn't often bother me, I have other qualities. However, rarely was I single. I am not shy and I am fairly extroverted.

 

As well, if I liked a guy, then I did the asking.

 

Luckily the "special airy-fairy purple aura" Universe sent me a similar personality type in my husband who chased me down. The chemistry was amazing. But it didn't come after years of just sitting back and letting life dictate the current.

 

My "aura theory:" its mostly a numbers game and the game is tougher for women now that gender norms have been turned on their ear & media & internet porn have given many young men unrealistic expectations. As well, the general suggestion with many young men is that women will practically drop their tops in front of them if they are interested vs. The little hints we tend to actually give.

 

I think now women have to do more of the obvious trying.

 

I think you're absolutely correct. Times have changed, and I'm definitely seeing it in the dating world. Heaven forbid any of my married friends should ever have to experience this. I'm part of the "Tinder generation," where instant gratification is key and men aren't really expected to do much for a quick romp in the sack. I'm not that kinda gal, but it seems like most gals in my age range are. I'm certain that this fact has something to do with why I'm still single, but what am I supposed to do? Change my values just to get a boyfriend?

[Lovelorn00]

I just don't think you're catching the nuance of the article or maybe what someone is experiencing when one is ok doing their thing ...yet they are still vulnerable and open to love. I was at that place! And I must have had a "ask me to marry you" sticker on my forehead because in like a 1.5 year span I got 4 marriage proposals ...one guy flew in a few months before my wedding and professed his love and we'd never dated ...just part of the same social circle. I had no idea he'd held a torch for me for years.

 

Being ok single does not mean jaded.

 

And PS LL ...I was 31-32 when this all happened

 

Haha! Yeah, that's a LITTLE odd. Ha!

 

Everyone is different, I guess. Some folks are okay with it. Some folks aren't. Some folks like apples. Some folks hate apples. The problem I have is when folks want to bash the apple lovers for loving apples. Okay, that's a horrible analogy, but you know what I mean.

 

This particular celebrity may not have meant anything by her statement, but you can't deny that it's a sentiment that's hurled at many single gals like myself.

[Lovelorn00]

Pretty much every woman in a relationship does, that's who. Also, those magazines and etc with the bridal themes and ads are the same ones with the 'don't want it too much' message. It's talking out of both sides of the mouth, but the message is there.

 

And if you read some of those 'nab your dream guy' articles, you'd see that one of the common pieces of advice is 'don't want him too much, build a satisfying life on your own and then he'll come'.

 

Couldn't have answered that question better myself.

[BluEyeL]

I discount the "it's going to happen when you don't expect it." and "go with the flow" advice. IMO, working towards a goal is what makes things happen and "luck" happens to those who are prepared. Being in a loving relationship with a great partner is a very worthy goal and not one to be ashamed of.

 

Taking steps towards this involves making sure you find the right relationship, the right partner and not putting up with unsuitable ones. Doing the latter is desperation, doing the former is smart.

 

I did not leave my search for love up to "when I least expect it", I worked at it and I am extremely happy with the results. Go for it! And yes, make sure you're not desperate, are confident and don't put up with anything less that a compatible partner that has the same goals as yours.

[dreamingoftigers]

So do I, but it's exactly the kind of advice that I'm getting from friends, books, therapists, and crappy magazine articles like the one I referenced above.

 

 

 

This is exactly why I need to stop putting so much stock into the advice that I receive from these aforementioned sources.

 

 

 

I think you're absolutely correct. Times have changed, and I'm definitely seeing it in the dating world. Heaven forbid any of my married friends should ever have to experience this. I'm part of the "Tinder generation," where instant gratification is key and men aren't really expected to do much for a quick romp in the sack. I'm not that kinda gal, but it seems like most gals in my age range are. I'm certain that this fact has something to do with why I'm still single, but what am I supposed to do? Change my values just to get a boyfriend?

 

Honestly,

 

I don't have a *great* answer for young women these days.

 

I have a six year-old daughter. My goal with her is to teach her to take care of herself and I take her to a church where respect for women and family is a huge deal.

 

I myself have struggled with faith for awhile but I do notice the men there are exemplary with their wives. And they are marriage/partnership minded.

 

Even if my daughter doesn't stay with that church /faith, my hope is that her expectations will be to have a respectful partner so she doesn't degrade herself to get attention.

 

I tend to think that healthy men with reasonable values tend to look for the same. Unhealthy men who wants a series of quick screws will try for a bit to get a healthy woman, but if a woman has patience, she can generally screen out the losers.

[Lovelorn00]

I discount the "it's going to happen when you don't expect it." and "go with the flow" advice. IMO, working towards a goal is what makes things happen and "luck" happens to those who are prepared. Being in a loving relationship with a great partner is a very worthy goal and not one to be ashamed of.

 

Taking steps towards this involves making sure you find the right relationship, the right partner and not putting up with unsuitable ones. Doing the latter is desperation, doing the former is smart.

 

I did not leave my search for love up to "when I least expect it", I worked at it and I am extremely happy with the results. Go for it! And yes, make sure you're not desperate, are confident and don't put up with anything less that a compatible partner that has the same goals as yours.

 

Exactly. I’ve always been taught that if you want something, go after it, but somehow, this oft-told advice isn’t supposed to apply relationships? I don’t think so.

“Go after your goals! EXCEPT if your goal is a relationship with another person. Don’t go after that, no.”

That doesn’t mean I’m going to hold a gun up to a man’s head to get him to marry me (desperate), but I’m definitely going to actively pursue finding a meaningful relationship, because it’s something that I want in order to complement my already rich/full life.

Some folks think that’s sad and pathetic, but oh well.

[Lovelorn00]

Honestly,

 

I don't have a *great* answer for young women these days.

 

I have a six year-old daughter. My goal with her is to teach her to take care of herself and I take her to a church where respect for women and family is a huge deal.

 

I myself have struggled with faith for awhile but I do notice the men there are exemplary with their wives. And they are marriage/partnership minded.

 

Even if my daughter doesn't stay with that church /faith, my hope is that her expectations will be to have a respectful partner so she doesn't degrade herself to get attention.

 

I tend to think that healthy men with reasonable values tend to look for the same. Unhealthy men who wants a series of quick screws will try for a bit to get a healthy woman, but if a woman has patience, she can generally screen out the losers.

 

I think you’re right about this, and it’s awesome that you’re teaching and showing your little girl what a loving relationship should look like. I’m still on a bit of a spiritual journey myself, trying to find meaning and truth and wisdom where I can, but attending church definitely has been recommended to me. It’s something that I’ve considered before and should probably look into it again.