Henley Posted November 30, 2015 Share Posted November 30, 2015 My girlfriend of 5 years and I broke up 6 months ago. I broke it off because the passion had died and whenever I tried to speak to her about it she did not want to. She is 34 and I am 41 - I have a 10 year old daughter who lives with me half the time and my girlfriend has had a hard time relating to my daughter. I ended up feeling I had two children to take care of and that my girlfriend did not have room for anything but herself. We have now been apart for 6 months. I quickly started seeing another girl - initially just for sex, but it is growing into more. She is the total opposite (I guess that is how it goes). She loves children ( has two children) and is passionate, compassionate etc etc. I can see that life with will be passionate - but also more complicated with 3 children, moving (we live 60 minutes apart) etc. Recently I have found myself missing my ex - compared to my new GF our relationship was easy and uncomplicated....but without the passion and feeling of being a family. My EX is really trying - showing an interest in my daughter, promising to think more about us than just herself - but should I give her a chance? I miss something - but is it her or just the sense of securitiy of being with someone I know... Everyone keeps telling me I need time alone (without either of them) and then I will know. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted November 30, 2015 Share Posted November 30, 2015 Everyone keeps telling me I need time alone (without either of them) and then I will know. I think "everyone" is right. Go 100% NO CONTACT with either girl for six months. Learn to be on your own instead of bouncing into a rebound relationship. Then re-assess what you want in a relationship beyond the security of what you had and what feels comfortable. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Henley Posted November 30, 2015 Author Share Posted November 30, 2015 Thanks for the advice - it is not easy when you feel you have someone you connect with. I do however think you are right - I would benefit from time alone....Thx:laugh: Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted December 1, 2015 Share Posted December 1, 2015 Why is your ex only trying so hard now that you split up. You told her you weren't happy with things and nothing changed. She's had 5 years to relate to your daughter and she didn't. ...why? Just the way you put your daughter first..your current GF is putting her kids first and that seems to be a bit complex for you to deal with...... Does your ex not want kids of her own? I'm trying to get where her relationship with your daughter isn't working out. Was your daughter well behaved and resentful to your ex? Is she happy with the ex out of the picture? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 1, 2015 Share Posted December 1, 2015 So are you seeing both women right now? Which one does your daughter like? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Henley Posted December 1, 2015 Author Share Posted December 1, 2015 @ Stillafool: Thanks for responding to my post. No - I am not seeing both at the same time, but there is contact with my EX. Both she and my daughter love horseback riding and have kept in touch through this passion. In an effort to show she has changed, she is helping my daughter. My daughter is beginning to relate more and more to my EX, now that she is beginning to show an interest in her. The woman I am seeing now and I, have been friends for years and my daughter knows her. She really likes her and have often said that I needed a girlfriend like her Out of respect to both my daughter and my GF's children we are only meeting up, when our children are with their other parent. I do not want my daughter to be caught up in my relationship nightmare So when she is with me - it is just the two of us. I really feel connected to both my ex and my GF, but do not seem able to commit to either of them. Recently it feels like I am cheating on both, because I know that I am not truly committed to either of them. It is a ****ty feeling having the power to choose between people - it does not feel right... The main attraction to my new GF is physical and and less so to my EX (if I am honest) - it would be the easy choice going back to her. She would move back, my daughter and her would connect over their sport and I would get my friend back....but is that really enough? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Henley Posted December 1, 2015 Author Share Posted December 1, 2015 @ Sandylee1 Thanks for replying to my post My EX does not want children. She has always said that she does not think she has room for them in her life (sport, career etc). My daughter and I are very tight and it cannot have been easy for anyone being the third wheel. I feel I have done everything I can to let her in. My daughter is well behaved, but she has been used to have my undivided attention and it was hard for her (and me) when my GF moved in. My EX has felt left out and we have discussed this very openly. We discussed what I could do to make her feel more part of the family. I made sure we did stuff together. We did things my EX wanted, to show my daughter that my EX also important and vice versa. It was hard because my EX never took any initiative to connect to my daughter. Whenever my daughter and I would play - my EX could not connect to it and thought we were silly and a little embarrassing. You do have a point that one of the main reasons for me throwing in the towel, was a feeling of being pulled apart by these two girls. My EX demanding attention, help, support and not giving a lot back- and my daughter needing that same. Example: last year I took them both on a super holiday to Thailand. I spend the vacation making sure both were happy and that time was divided between the two. A week into the vacation my EX says to me: 'Why are you only taking pictures of your daughter' - 'you do not take a lot of pictures of me anymore'... I was chocked... I give everything I have to these two girls and still she is counting the number of pictures I am taking of her. There are many examples such as this. My best friends and sister have often asked: when do you get to do what you want... I ended up feeling as just a provider and left the relationship. So why am I considering going back? Well - I miss my friend, movie nights etc etc... but do not know whether it is just because I am not used to be alone or if I should give her a chance now that she is trying hard... Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue17 Posted December 1, 2015 Share Posted December 1, 2015 I think It's a mistake to go back to your Ex. You now what you'll get. Why bothering everybody to have something you don't really want? I think you're doing wrong by comparison between you Gf and your Ex. It's not a TV should you choose one from two models. If you don't fit with your Gf, why do you stay? It has nothing to do with your Ex, two different things, you shouldn't mix. Maybe you shouldn't be with any one of them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted December 1, 2015 Share Posted December 1, 2015 As a father to a teenage daughter, I have always made it perfectly clear to anyone I was dating. If you have a problem with my daughter, the relationship is over. I have ended a relationship immediately when a "issue" surfaced about time with my daughter. Regardless of what you think your X feels, looks like, or what she is doing now, the problems will resurface. Is she doing this to get you back or has she found a new respect and love for children? Your daughter is 10. You have many years to go. This should not even be a question. Daughter or xGF. Never let your daughter feel she is second to anyone. In regards to dating the new woman, just take it slow and don't try to answer every question today, other than the old versus the new. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted December 1, 2015 Share Posted December 1, 2015 (edited) I think your ex is just doing this because she's being territorial due to you having a new girlfriend. She's had 5 years to open up a can of "act right" with regards to your daughter and chose not to. Funny it wasn't until you found a new girlfriend that she all of a sudden is wanting to try to get along with your daughter by using horseback riding as the reason. Weren't horses around in 2010? Going back to your ex when you know deep down she doesn't want what you offer is you unnecessarily putting your head on a chopping block. What kind of work has she done to work through her feelings of being self-centered and selfish? If she's done nothing since you two have been apart, then you're going to pick up right where you left off--because your daughter isn't going anywhere, right? You're not going to cut her off to appease your ex, right? I never give anyone who voices a problem with my child or expresses that I spend too much time or do whatever with my child a second chance. My child has been a part of my life since before they appeared and she's not going anywhere. They either understand and work within that boundary or they bounce. The woman I am seeing now and I, have been friends for years and my daughter knows her. She really likes her and have often said that I needed a girlfriend like her Unless I'm missing something, I see absolutely no reason to set your girlfriend adrift. It's your EX you need to set adrift. You both have young children to rear. You both understand that dynamic. Your ex doesn't and that will always be a problem. Edited December 1, 2015 by kendahke Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted December 1, 2015 Share Posted December 1, 2015 @ Sandylee1 Thanks for replying to my post My EX does not want children. She has always said that she does not think she has room for them in her life (sport, career etc). My daughter and I are very tight and it cannot have been easy for anyone being the third wheel. I feel I have done everything I can to let her in. My daughter is well behaved, but she has been used to have my undivided attention and it was hard for her (and me) when my GF moved in. My EX has felt left out and we have discussed this very openly. A week into the vacation my EX says to me: 'Why are you only taking pictures of your daughter' - 'you do not take a lot of pictures of me anymore'... I ended up feeling as just a provider and left the relationship. .. Henley Your Ex sounds immature in some ways. If she doesn't understand that your daughter comes first..... then she shouldn't date a man with kids. Having said that she'll find that tough at her age. I mean complaining about you taking more photos of your daughter...my word...how silly of her. That's ridiculous. She should be taking pics of your daughter as well. That kind of jealousy can become dangerous over time. What she needs to do is get down and join in on the fun when you and your daughter are playing. The problem is probably that she's not crazy about kids and can't fake it. She'll never understand that kids come first because she isn't a parent. When you date a man or woman with kids. ....you accept and embrace it all ....or move on. I don't think you should get back with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Henley Posted December 1, 2015 Author Share Posted December 1, 2015 Dear all, Thanks for all your input - truly helpful. I think I am just focusing way too much on fixing this rather than focusing on my daughter and I being happy. It kind of feels like I am failing when not getting this to work... silly but it is hard to let go. Link to post Share on other sites
ajaysutton Posted December 1, 2015 Share Posted December 1, 2015 This is a difficult decision to make. On the one hand, you've got the established history of the previous GF, on the other, the compassion, but considerable complications of the new GF. I don't think there's a "right" answer really, or it's a question only you can answer. I like the idea of taking a break, and figuring things out, and getting some clarity about the situation. I think that your daughter needs to be a prime consideration. At 10 years old, she's about to start going through some very difficult things and will likely need a woman that she can turn to, although this doesn't have to be either GF. If there's a female relative, and aunt or a sister that she can ask questions of, I think that would help out a lot. I think for the time being, your daughter should be the biggest consideration you've got. Either way, tough choices... Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts