Think he's cheating.. How to find out w/out accusing ?

[Dani999]

For the past few weeks, my boyfriend of 4 years is acting really strange. He keeps making up excuses of why he cannot hang out like he has so much to do or he is just too tired. Last night he said he was going out for a ride with his friends on their bikes, but he didn’t call all night and didn’t answer when I tried to call him. We made plans last night to go to dinner and a movie together, but he just called to cancel saying that he is going out to dinner with his parents. BTW, he didn’t invite me along. (His parents love me and I know they would) I’m not an idiot and I know all these actions are screaming, CHEATER!!

 

He is one that hates to be accused of things like I’m sure most people are, so how do I go about talking to him about this. If he has somebody or something better to do, why not just end it with me? I’m not his toy that will sit around and wait for him to decide when he wants to play.

 

My question is, what do you think of this situation? I have no proof that he is doing anything, I am just reading into what he is saying and doing. How do I find out or talk to him about it without him feeling attacked or accused. If I do that, he will just shut me out and that will get us no where. He isn’t going to come out and admit, yes dear I’m cheating on you. So what do I say/do? I am so thankful for any and all opinions or advice.

[RecordProducer]

I don't see anything that makes him a possible cheater. Besides you didn't give enough information.

1. Has he cheated before?

2. Does he flirt with women?

3. Has he met a new interesting woman recently?

4. Doe she avoid sex with you? Acts confused, weird, awkward, absent...anything changed in his behavior?

5. Does he dress or smell differently?

6. Is he dishonest otherwise? Ever caught him in a lie?

 

If all the answers are NO then you most likely have nothing to worry about.

[LucreziaBorgia]

It could be that he's cheating... or it could be that he just wants to distance himself from you emotionally for other reasons. You will want to know for sure before you get to the point of accusing him of anything. The main thing to do now is realize he is setting a pace that he's comfortable with, whether or not he is with anyone else. He is likely feeling guilty about what he is doing, and the first reaction to confrontation a guilty person has is denial and anger toward the person he knows he is doing wrong to.

 

The best way to get someone to realize their actions is to show them their actions by mirroring it yourself. Back away at the same pace he is backing away. Make yourself hard to reach. Make plans without him involved. He will definitely notice something is up if you do that. Then when he comes to you about it, explain calmly and without anger, that you aren't acting any differently than he is acting, and that if he feels entitled to act this way: you do too and that you are simply trying to respect his need for space, without denying yourself the same privilege.

 

People who need 'space' often find themselves at a loss when their partner unexpectedly does the same. He will question your motives, and in turn realize that you are questioning his in the same way. It may get him thinking about how it is he is treating you, and if he expects to keep the relationship he will need to really think hard about why it is he is acting this way, and hopefully want to work with you on some strategies to keep it from ending, if it is in fact a relationship he doesn't want to end.

 

Here's what won't work - and will, in fact cause him to harbor some hostility and begin seeing the relationship as an obligation:

 

Complaining about his behavior.

Asking him to explain or justify his behavior.

Crying/Begging/Pleading.

Unproven accusations.

Being angry with him.

 

You want him to come to you, not run from you - and ironically the way to do that is to just turn and walk away. Whether or not he chooses to come after you will tell you how much he is invested in this relationship - and how willing he is to share with you his reasons for needing 'space' and treating you this way.

[Angeleyez2583]

I think it's time to call Cheaters.. (j/k)

 

Even if you ask him, he's not going to tell you the truth. I think you need to recruit some spies and see what's going on. Do you guys live together? I'd say set up some kind of recording device if you do

[westernxer]

Why don't you just break up with him?

[lindya]

Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia

 

You want him to come to you, not run from you - and ironically the way to do that is to just turn and walk away. Whether or not he chooses to come after you will tell you how much he is invested in this relationship - and how willing he is to share with you his reasons for needing 'space' and treating you this way.

 

That sounds a bit like horse-whispering. Charging into the field armed with a bridle and staring at it with predatory "binocular-vision" eyes will only cause the animal to take fright and run. Best thing is to stop chasing it and focus on fixing that gate that needs attention. Let it watch and get curious, flash your sugar cubes to increase its interest but otherwise ignore it. Slowly but surely it will wander over. Keep ignoring it until it nuzzles your shoulder to indicate "join up".

[Curt]

If you suspect he is cheating, then as a decent person you must first discuss it.

 

If, after doing so, you still cannot trust that he is telling you the truth, then you should leave him.

 

Trust is the issue here. It is not necessarily infidelity, as you have no proof of that.

 

Curt

[RecordProducer]

That was a very good post, Lucrezia. I learned something too.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Originally posted by RecordProducer

That was a very good post, Lucrezia. I learned something too.

 

I see it as a last-ditch effort, but let me tell you - when someone is treating you a certain way, when it gets handed back to them twice what they are dishing it out, its pretty much the last thing they expect. Its often that ability to change those behaviors that the other person is avoiding, that tends to get them rethinking what it is they are doing, and the last thing a person who treats you like crap can take is having that same behavior doubled and handed right back to them in the same cold serving they are dishing out. Its not easy though - in fact it can be really hard to do. I've taken that gamble more than once, and found that it works pretty well.

 

I have done that on more than one occasion - the guy tells me "I need space", and I'll say "I'm glad you brought that up. I think I need space too, and in fact I think I should we should see other people." The reaction is always this:

 

If it turns out that they want to be with me, they have but one option: work to get me back, because I'm already one foot out the door. If they are an ass, and don't take notice or move on - then they weren't worth my time to begin with and I can go ahead and step the other foot out the door.

 

What's funny, is that what seems like a 'game of chicken' usually turns out to be a wakeup call - often I really DID need space from what was a bad relationship - I just didn't see it at the time because I was blinded by my own neediness in the situation. It was during my own 'space' time that I was able to get some perspective on how badly I was allowing myself to be treated.

[Dani999]

I apologize for not giving all of the information in my first post. That was not at all intentional. I wrote it just as I got off of the phone with him and was just thinking about the present situation. Your questions, RecordProducer:

 

1. Has he cheated before? -- Yes he did 3 years ago. It was a similar situation. He was making excuses not to hang out. I asked him about it, but he brushed it off and I just went on with my life figuring it’s all in my head. Then. I caught him one night. He said that he was going to be working late. I went out with my friends to the bar and found him there with another women and he there admitted that he has been cheating on me. It took me about 8 months to give him another chance and slowly we started back up our relationship. Things have been so amazing since, and this is the first time since then that he has behaved this way.

 

2. Does he flirt with women? -- When he is with me, it is like I’m the only women in the room. But I guess nobody really knows what the other person doing when you are not around.

 

3. Has he met a new interesting woman recently? -- Not that I know of. But there is one girl who has a lot in common with him. She also has a motorcycle and they do go out on rides together. I’m not the jealous type and put all my trust in him as I also have many male friends that I go out on the town with and he always trusts me. I do not trust her a bit as she is known to prey on men who are taken.

 

4. Doe she avoid sex with you? Acts confused, weird, awkward, absent...anything changed in his behavior? -- Not at all.!. Sexually, nothing has changed a bit. It has been mind blowing since our first time together. Even our last time this week left us both in a daze it was so good. He is always so happy and willing when we are together. It’s when we are not together, that’s where the problem is.

 

5. Does he dress or smell differnetly? -- No, he always wears the cologne that I gave him. When he is wanting to impress me, he always goes clean shaven. The past few times we were together, he was not. But who knows, he may be home right now getting all hot and ready for tonight.

 

6. Is he dishonest otherwise? Ever caught him in a lie? He is always honest with me. Of course that few years back when he did cheat.

 

7. Does he act like he loves you? Yes he has always has. That has never changed. Many times we have planed moving in together, getting married, and having a child some day. This has not happened yet since I wanted to finish off my many years of college first which in a few months, I will be.

 

I have felt sooo tempted to call or text him since I am so angered, but I am going to follow this advice 100%. >>>

 

You want him to come to you, not run from you - and ironically the way to do that is to just turn and walk away. Whether or not he chooses to come after you will tell you how much he is invested in this relationship - and how willing he is to share with you his reasons for needing 'space' and treating you this way.

 

I am just thinking.. One thing has changed. We always keep a picture of each other in both of our cars. Recently, I have seen the picture moved. The other day I got in, and the picture was put away. I asked him way, and he said that he had the windows down and it was blowing the picture around. Funny that never happened before and the picture of his bike seemed to stay up fine.

 

I should have included all of this info before, but I put it in my past years ago and wanted to forgive and forget.. But I guess I was wrong to do that. I am a very trusting person, guess that makes me too easy to screw with.

 

I wanted proof before I made the final decision to cut him out of my life, but maybe his behavior in the way past is enough. I guess second chances really don’t work

[RecordProducer]

So we have a broken trust here. Although he cheated on you, he would get angry at you cuz you would accuse him! He is really something. If someone cheats, he should be prepared to not be trusted in the future. He really is suspicious especially with the picture in the car episode, but nobody knows for sure except him.

Will you be ever able to trust him? You know, I could deal with many things, but I could never be with a person I can't trust no matter what the reason is. Even if he has never cheated on me, if I don't trust him, I just couldn't deal with the jealousy and suspicion.

[SoleMate]

There are enough signs of cheating or extreme distancing that I would just go ahead and act on that belief. No point doing an investigator act. Instead, start thinking about whether you want to fight for this r/s or let it go. If you want to fight for a lifelong partnership like you were planning with him, then I suggest Googling for "marriage builders" and following Plan A. If that doesn't work, try Plan B.

[Sal Paradise]

Its a good chance he is cheating but ya never know.....

 

I say the direct approach......ask him. He has cheated before so he has no right to get angry for you not trusting him. Your distrust in him is his fault and he has no one to blame but himself. Of course he could still lie when you ask. You should let him know that you will find out if he is cheating, that you know something is wrong and he's being dishonest.

 

The trust is already broken here, you may better of just breaking up with him now.

[Brandi Renee]

About the motorcycle chick - I would wath it bigtime.

 

 

I have an R1 and have not ridden in about a year because I realized my family matter more.

 

However - I got hit on allot - by married riders and they also would call me and one of them tried to get me in the sack. I could not believe it.

 

Me and my man would ride together and I would ride in other groups alone, sometimes for the hot guys.

 

Guys dig the hell out of other female riders. Every time me and my boyfrined went on rides - we came home and had immediate sex. Now we live to gether. We both have actually hung up our bikes now because we are starting a life and family together .

 

My point is - I would play investigator on this motorcycle chick.

 

You may also want to try to take up a similar hobby as your man - maybe that would keep the attraction going, if he is messing aournd with the chick.