Just a thought! (for all the second-chancers)

[betterfly]

Hi all!

 

I've been thinking long and hard about the mechanisms behind people getting or not getting back together, and why the initial attraction can come back after following NC.

 

Then I started reading articles on casual relationships and how to turn them into something more serious. That's when I realized: like some people say, it is NECESSARY to treat this new relationship with your ex as a NEW relationship!

 

I am going through something like that myself. It's been hard to "casually date" someone, who used to only want to be with me, and to have minimum expectations. However, in my case, I believe that it's worth it to at least try. The key, I think, is to completely kill the hopes that the old relationship will magically come back to life. It's dead, a nice memory, will never happen again.

 

So yeah, that's what I'm working on myself. If any of you have thoughts in this regard, let's talk about it

 

Good luck!

[fiskadoro]

Hi,

 

I think it's best to treat it as a new relationship as much as possible. I recently got in contact with an ex from 11 years ago, and she was ecstatic. We broke up on good terms and "in love" with each other, but she had a prior commitment, ahem. I had gone NC on her for 11 years, and every couple of years she would send me a "hello" on MSN messenger, but other than that, nothing. I reached out to her. She was in tears when she heard from me and moved up a trip to the US (she lives literally on the other side of the world) that she had planned in order to see me. I declined her offer, stupidly.

 

When we first began talking again early this year, she was so amazingly demonstrative and affectionate in her words. She sang for me, unprompted, and before she treated singing for me like some special treat. She told me she loved me, etc. However, I was mired in the past and determined to "right previous wrongs" that I still felt. After a few months, things went sour, and we are no longer speaking again.

 

Thus, I am here to tell you that if you really really want to rekindle an old flame, it's mostly best to forgive. Talk about what needs to be talked about in the most respectful way possible, resign yourself to the idea that every problem from the past need not/cannot be resolved, and get on with starting anew. If you see old patterns creeping up, bad ones, address them, but leave that old ish behind. I feel that I unnecessarily dug up skeletons that were happy in the crypts, so to speak. And I resolved very little by doing so.

Edited December 2, 2015 by fiskadoro

[betterfly]

Talk about what needs to be talked about in the most respectful way possible, resign yourself to the idea that every problem from the past need not/cannot be resolved, and get on with starting anew.

 

That is a very sounds advice, but I am not sure if that could be applied to my case. Everything is still very fresh for me. He said that he forgave me for everything, but he was also the one to break up with me, and it's only been two months. We have been in contact (LC), but he slept with some other people and tries to actively pursue more girls.

 

I thought I was doing better, and I posted this during the up-swing, but tonight I'm just a mess again.

 

I went out with him a few days ago, and he acts like he still has feeling for me, he says that too, but he expects me to be completely over what we had and act cool, but I am not ready for that. And I don't want to date him at this point, knowing that he's seeing other people.

[lonewolf110]

What I feel is that yes its important to treat it as a new relationship. Whether you like it or not both of you have changed for better or for worse.

And its important to let go off the past too and resolve any issues that plagued the previous relationship. Or you will be setting yourself up for disappointment.

[betterfly]

How do you gets over the fact that they didn't want to be with you when you were not on your best behaviour, though? Do you see it as betrayal?

 

Also, I wander how common it is to change and then realize that as this changed person you don't really want to be that other person anymore...

[Wewon]

In spite of some of the things I say about second chances in relationship, I do feel that they can be worth it.

 

However, I find that most people often reconcile out of loneliness, trying to rekindle a sanitized memory or worse, stark desperation. If you're going to reconcile you have to acknowledge what went on in the old relationship and what caused it to fail, and contrary to human nature, it wasn't the BIG thing that caused the failure, but usually more fundamental things like attitudes, respect, long held biases, ect.

 

For example, its easy to agree to "not be a slob" when you know that was something that annoyed your ex, its a lot tougher to address a fundamental attitude that other people are here to serve you, which may have lead someone to being a slob. The problem will just come out in other ways.