He Doesn't Know if He Believes in Marriage

[brokentreasure]

My boyfriend and I have been dating roughly 9 months – we are both in our late 20s. This past weekend we were having a conversation about our goals and future. We jumped onto the topic of marriage and he mentioned he ‘didn’t know if he believed in it', but if he did get married, he’d surly wouldn’t do it until he figured his future out a bit more. He’s mentioned marriage before and never in a negative light and sometimes with me thrown in ("Years from now when we're married..."). I didn’t say much and he changed the topic. But it now has me thinking about a future with this man. I personally, would like to get married one day (at least I think I would) and I took his indecision as a ‘I don’t want to marry you specifically’. I figured once a man knows, he knows. My fear is that I’m wasting my time. I love him and apparently I make him happy. Am I looking at this from the wrong angle?

[d0nnivain]

You are still in your 20s & haven't even been dating a year. Unless you are itching to get married on a time table, don't get all bent out of shape at this point but do keep your ears open for future clues.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

He already stated he isn't opposed to it. But I agree with him why rush in to a lifelong commitment? If you have marriage on some kind of time table, that would be a deal breaker for me. If you felt you didn't want to wait around for me, you know where to find the door.

[oldshirt]

Think of dating as an interview and probationary period where you determine if the party is the person you want for the job of spouse, life-partner, other parent of your children etc.

 

The very purpose of dating is to spend time with someone to determine if you share various values, interests, beliefs, life-goals etc to determine if that person is "the one" you want to marry and have a home and family with.

 

The reason for dating is to see if there are discrepancies between your values, beliefs and goals with theirs.

 

If one of your values and life-goals is to legally and officially marry and have a home and family, then you have just cause here to reconsider whether you want to continue putting time and energy into this.

[bathtub-row]

I agree with oldshirt. Don't ignore red flags. It's always a mistake.

[brokentreasure]

I agree with oldshirt. Don't ignore red flags. It's always a mistake.

 

How would you broach the topic without sounding needy or ultimatum-ish?

Edited December 1, 2015 by brokentreasure

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

Marriage isn't important to me, but it wasn't a deal breaker either. Maybe he feels this way too. Doesn't sound like commitment is the issue if he is discussing his future and he places you in it. He is already mulling it over in his head. You need to be careful cause if he's anything like me and he gets ANY impression that the marriage trumps your relationship he might walk. I know I would. ANY kind of time table places marriage above the relationship in my mind. Something that wouldn't make me walk, but run away from you.

[stillafool]

How would you broach the topic without sounding needy or ultimatum-ish?

 

Don't worry about sounding needy in this situation. You have a right to know if a guy you are spending a great deal of time with is ever planning to marry or not. Just tell him this has been on your mind since you last talked about it and you want clarification because you do someday want to marry.

[sambolini]

Be careful not to make any assumptions. I have no interest in marrying again; been there, done that, got the t-shirt. After going through the travesty of the "family justice court system", it's not an experience I care to repeat. Many men today are pre-emptive by not getting married over order to avoid being put in that position. I can't say I blame them.

 

With that being said, I have no problem with commitment, even potentially lifelong commitment, to one woman. I just don't want to get the government involved in my personal life/affairs/assets.

 

Just because he may not want to marry doesn't mean he may not want to be in a long term committed relationship with you.

 

Focusing on a piece of paper that means nothing instead of how he makes you feel is losing sight of the real goal, in my opinion.

 

YMMV, of course.

[basil67]

How would you broach the topic without sounding needy or ultimatum-ish?

 

By discussing his general feelings about marriage. Don't make it specifically about you and him.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

Focusing on a piece of paper that means nothing instead of how he makes you feel is losing sight of the real goal, in my opinion.

 

Quoted for truth.

[AspenBaldwin]

Translation, he does want to marry, just not with you.

[darkbloom]

You don't have to be married to have a lifelong partnership.

[oldshirt]

The issue here isn't really whether marriage is or not a valid institution or whether people can be committed or have a good partnership outside of legal marriage.

 

The issue is basic compatibility and shared values, beliefs and goals on something as fundamental and basic as marriage.

 

If brokentreasue values marriage and has legal marriage as an objective, then what matters is that she finds someone that shares the same values and goals.

 

Is doesn't really matter that other people are with nonmarital relationships.

 

If he doesn't she the same beliefs and values regarding marriage, that doesn't make him a bad person or an evildoer. It just makes him someone that may not be a compatible marriage partner for her.

 

If she believes in legal marriage and ultimately wants to be married then it is her right to pursue that goal and its not really fair for others to urge her to compromise those values and goals to settle for something less.

[oldshirt]

How would you broach the topic without sounding needy or ultimatum-ish?

 

Values and goals are not needyness and free choice is not an ultimatum.

 

An ultimatum is about changing his behavior or manipulating him to do something you want. It doesn't have to be about that.

 

It's his choice whether he wants to marry or not. If he doesn't want to marry, you can respect his choice, but it may be your choice to not continue a relationship that is not leading towards marriage.

 

If you were to decide to end the relationship, it would be so that you can pursue a lifestyle and goal of yours. It would not be to punish him or to manipulate him into compromising what he wants to get him to do what you want.

 

You both have free choice. Choices always come with benefits and costs.

 

IMHO the best way to broach it is to just be upfront, open and honest and state clearly that you want to be married and will not remain in a nonmarital relationship indefinitely.

 

Then you must be ready, willing and able to follow through.

 

 

That is just stating your position and what your intentions are. It is not manipulating or using threat of duress. He is free to make his own choice.

 

If he chooses to remain with you, you make it clear that legal marriage will be a part of that package. And if he chooses to not marry, then you move on.

 

You are simply stating objectives and intentions. There's no judgement there and its not really to influence or impose your will onto him. Just explaining the outcomes of his choice.

[oldshirt]

By discussing his general feelings about marriage. Don't make it specifically about you and him.

 

No DO make it specifically about you and him. If you have a goal and objective for a lifestyle that you want and believe in in, then be upfront and honest about that.

 

If he decides he wants the same lifestyle and objective, then great.

 

If he doesn't, then now is the time to discover that.

 

Again, the purpose of dating is to get to know someone's values, beliefs, interests, mores, goals etc to determine if they are compatible with yours or not.

 

If they are and you want to continue moving forward with them, then so be it.

 

If you determine the other person is not a match, you are each free to end the relationship and go back on the market without prejudice or repercussion ( that doesn't mean there won't be tears though)

[Mr. Lucky]

Am I looking at this from the wrong angle?

 

Statistically, the average married couple went about two years from first romantic interest to matrimony. So given the time necessary to plan something like a wedding and reception, you're coming up on the horizon of when you'd establish mutual interest in moving forward.

 

I'd give it time but not much. If there's not a firmer consensus at the one-year mark, I'd say you're on different paths. Doesn't make you right and him wrong, just makes you incompatible in terms of marital interest...

 

Mr. Lucky

[sandylee1]

It makes me wonder when people say they don't believe in marriage. It's not like believing if UFOs exist or if there is life after death. Marriage is what it is.... it's not a myth or legend.

 

He doesn't know if marriage is for him.....that's what he's saying. My view ? Don't waste your time. Late 20s is old enough to know.. you're not babies.

 

I'd probably pull back from the relationship a bit to see his reaction or find a peaceful way to end it..... No need for drama. I was dating a guy once and he said he can't see himself married till at least 5 years. At that moment I decided to end it and when he called me to go out after that... I declined and told him I'd rethought things.

 

9 months isn't terribly long....but it's his views on the subject to take note of.

[burnt]

Be careful not to make any assumptions. I have no interest in marrying again; been there, done that, got the t-shirt. After going through the travesty of the "family justice court system", it's not an experience I care to repeat. Many men today are pre-emptive by not getting married over order to avoid being put in that position. I can't say I blame them.

 

With that being said, I have no problem with commitment, even potentially lifelong commitment, to one woman. I just don't want to get the government involved in my personal life/affairs/assets.

 

Just because he may not want to marry doesn't mean he may not want to be in a long term committed relationship with you.

 

Focusing on a piece of paper that means nothing instead of how he makes you feel is losing sight of the real goal, in my opinion.

 

YMMV, of course.

 

I believe I fall into the minority group here, but I never felt or understood the importance of 'marriage', but have always felt that what's important is being in a loving relationship. I always saw the concept of marriage as a social/legal binding contract--especially since I have originally come from a cultural background where arranged marriage is the norm.

I always felt I'd want to be in a relationship I choose to be in, and could care less about paperwork or being socially recognized as a couple.

I always felt I'd want to be with someone who is with me because he wants to, not because he has to because of a legal vow.

[Lois_Griffin]

Focusing on a piece of paper that means nothing instead of how he makes you feel is losing sight of the real goal, in my opinion..

I laugh every time I see this ludicrous, nonsensical and very hypocritical statement being made.

 

If it 'means nothing,' and it's 'only a piece of paper,' why should it be such a problem doing it, then? You know, since it's only a piece of paper and all.

 

Pffft.

[StBreton]

Ditto what Lois said. Think of it this way ...if it's just a piece of paper ...why is it so important in court? Why is it so important to the L/Gay community? It's not just the validating of a relationship. Marriage gives rights that dating doesn't.

 

Old shirt has all the right words here OP. I'd follow his advice.

 

I didn't date anyone in my 20s that wasn't marriage minded. That was and is a value of mine. Didn't change because I met someone who didn't value the same. We just weren't compatible. There's someone for everyone out there. You're value in marriage isn't needy. Maybe you feel that way because you're young ...don't worry, you're not needy. Wait till you turn 30 ...you'll just put it out there and won't care what anyine thinks. Every decade that goes by I care less and less what others think. I know my values and am comfortable with them.

[BetheButterfly]

My boyfriend and I have been dating roughly 9 months – we are both in our late 20s. This past weekend we were having a conversation about our goals and future. We jumped onto the topic of marriage and he mentioned he ‘didn’t know if he believed in it', but if he did get married, he’d surly wouldn’t do it until he figured his future out a bit more. He’s mentioned marriage before and never in a negative light and sometimes with me thrown in ("Years from now when we're married..."). I didn’t say much and he changed the topic. But it now has me thinking about a future with this man. I personally, would like to get married one day (at least I think I would) and I took his indecision as a ‘I don’t want to marry you specifically’. I figured once a man knows, he knows. My fear is that I’m wasting my time. I love him and apparently I make him happy. Am I looking at this from the wrong angle?

 

It's good that you know.

 

Marriage is a very important decision. Did he say why he doesn't know if he believes in it? Some people are jaded against marriage because of many important factors. That's understandable.

 

Personally, I would ask him later on something like this, "Honey, You said before that you don't know if you believe in marriage. Why is that, out of curiosity?"

 

Then, you can use this to discuss some of the concerns he would understandably have about marriage. Because not every marriage becomes a "happily ever after" it is completely reasonable why people would not know if they believe in it.

 

Discussing it can help you both determine if you want to someday get married to each other or not.

[sambolini]

I laugh every time I see this ludicrous, nonsensical and very hypocritical statement being made.

 

If it 'means nothing,' and it's 'only a piece of paper,' why should it be such a problem doing it, then? You know, since it's only a piece of paper and all.

 

Pffft.

 

Because it has no bearing on how a person may feel about you. However, it has a significant bearing on who gets a chunk of my assets if/when the marriage ends.

 

Marriage is not a sign of love, commitment, fidelity, or compatibility. It is, however, a legal contract that says "I hereby agree to relinquish x amount of my net worth to you in case the relationship ends."

 

No thanks.

[sambolini]

Ditto what Lois said. Think of it this way ...if it's just a piece of paper ...why is it so important in court? Why is it so important to the L/Gay community? It's not just the validating of a relationship. Marriage gives rights that dating doesn't.

 

Old shirt has all the right words here OP. I'd follow his advice.

 

I didn't date anyone in my 20s that wasn't marriage minded. That was and is a value of mine. Didn't change because I met someone who didn't value the same. We just weren't compatible. There's someone for everyone out there. You're value in marriage isn't needy. Maybe you feel that way because you're young ...don't worry, you're not needy. Wait till you turn 30 ...you'll just put it out there and won't care what anyine thinks. Every decade that goes by I care less and less what others think. I know my values and am comfortable with them.

 

Precisely. Marriage is important in court. But it's not important to a relationship.

Marriage doesn't magically make a relationship better. It doesn't make someone love you more. It doesn't make them more sexually attracted to you.

 

All it does is get the government involved in your personal life.

 

And anyone who says "I want to get married because legal rights" should be avoided at all costs. That person will end up costing you money.

[pteromom]

Because it has no bearing on how a person may feel about you. However, it has a significant bearing on who gets a chunk of my assets if/when the marriage ends.

 

Marriage is not a sign of love, commitment, fidelity, or compatibility. It is, however, a legal contract that says "I hereby agree to relinquish x amount of my net worth to you in case the relationship ends."

 

No thanks.

 

It says a lot about how you feel about your partner. You are saying here that you want to be able to exit at any time with no risk or cost.

 

Still, it's fine to not get married, as long as you are upfront about it.

 

In this case though, OP wants to get married. She values marriage and what it means.

 

Oldshirt gets an A+ on this thread. All of his comments are spot on.

 

OP - listen to Oldshirt. Ask your bf to talk to you about his feelings about marriage, about his goals for this relationship, etc. It doesn't have to be needy or an ultimatum. It's information gathering. If he doesn't see a value in marriage, it's ok to move on and find someone who does.