Bfs siblings don't like me, how to deal

[SpiralOut]

Well I just found out that my bfs siblings don't like me, or have concerns about me. I'll mention that his parents DO like me and so do his friends.

 

 

Okay, I'm editing this to make it shorter. My main question is.... if my bf's sister makes untrue assumptions about me, do I confront her about it next time I see her? Or do I prove her wrong through my actions and never say a thing....

 

 

I'm feeling hurt while I type this. Three of my bfs siblings jumped to the worst conclusion they could about me, basically being really judgemental without knowing much about the situation. It really pushes my buttons when people make untrue accusations or assumptions about me.

 

 

Also, I'm pretty sure there's some projection going on. The three of them all accused me of something that is more true about themselves than it is about me. I get soooo annoyed when people do that with me.

 

 

ETA: I found out about this from my bf. His sister shared her concerns with him today. And he told me that he never takes advice from her because he doesn't trust her judgement, and also he says that his family is judgemental in general, that's how they are. So I am trying to not take this personally but it's hard not to. To be honest I'm not a huge fan of some of the crap I've seen his siblings pull with him.... some of it is pretty bad, so I don't think they are in a position to be pointing any fingers at me.

Edited December 1, 2015 by SpiralOut

[d0nnivain]

Do not confront her. Let your actions say everything. If she brings it up, you can discuss it with her but you don't start the conversation. Your BF clearly doesn't care about his sister's opinion so you should not.

 

 

It's hard, I know. DH's extended family doesn't like me. I made myself crazy for years trying to deal with that to no avail. When I stopped caring, I felt so much better.

[anika99]

The people you describe can't be reasoned with and will likely twist anything you say and use it against you. Don't bother trying to have a discussion with them. Do be concerned about how your BF deals with this. Why was he discussing you with them and did he defend you? That's what I would want to know.

[SpiralOut]

His sister brought the subject up so far as I know. He defended me but claims he is tired of defending me. Well okay but if they can't accept me and want to jump to conclusions I can't do much about that. I don't control how they act. I would be happy to defend myself but they are nice to my face.

 

I find this sister overinvolves herself sometimes. She actually called him one day telling him he needs to come over more often. Never mind the fact that he's an adult and isn't obligated to visit if he doesn't want to. He gets annoyed with them easily and tries to spend time away.

[stillafool]

Well I just found out that my bfs siblings don't like me, or have concerns about me. I'll mention that his parents DO like me and so do his friends.

 

 

Okay, I'm editing this to make it shorter. My main question is.... if my bf's sister makes untrue assumptions about me, do I confront her about it next time I see her? Or do I prove her wrong through my actions and never say a thing....

 

 

I'm feeling hurt while I type this. Three of my bfs siblings jumped to the worst conclusion they could about me, basically being really judgemental without knowing much about the situation. It really pushes my buttons when people make untrue accusations or assumptions about me.

 

 

Also, I'm pretty sure there's some projection going on. The three of them all accused me of something that is more true about themselves than it is about me. I get soooo annoyed when people do that with me.

 

 

ETA: I found out about this from my bf. His sister shared her concerns with him today. And he told me that he never takes advice from her because he doesn't trust her judgement, and also he says that his family is judgemental in general, that's how they are. So I am trying to not take this personally but it's hard not to. To be honest I'm not a huge fan of some of the crap I've seen his siblings pull with him.... some of it is pretty bad, so I don't think they are in a position to be pointing any fingers at me.

 

Tell you bf to never, ever, under any circumstance discuss you with his siblings. Tell him to not even mention your name around them. Give them nothing, nada to discuss about you. Don't bend over backwards to try to please them either.

[SpiralOut]

Tell you bf to never, ever, under any circumstance discuss you with his siblings. Tell him to not even mention your name around them. Give them nothing, nada to discuss about you. Don't bend over backwards to try to please them either.

 

Should I also tell him to not tell me anything else they might say about me? I really don't want to know anything else. I'm shocked that she would even say anything in the first place. In my previous serious relationships, the siblings/parents never said anything bad about me, or at least not that I know of.

[Tayla]

In due time you will come to appreciate that : " What others think about you is NOT your business, What YOU think about yourself is all the business ".

 

SO very often its a telltale sign of how someone speaks about others , says more about themselves. Think about that next time you listen to a person discuss their opinion.

 

The hardest thing to do is to do nothing when incorrect opinions are flying around. So Walk softly and let the actions be the final deciding factor.

[stillafool]

Should I also tell him to not tell me anything else they might say about me? I really don't want to know anything else. I'm shocked that she would even say anything in the first place. In my previous serious relationships, the siblings/parents never said anything bad about me, or at least not that I know of.

 

Yes tell him not to tell you what they say about you. You don't need to hear that crap. If he isn't talking about you they should have nothing to say. If this is his sisters they are probably jealous. Definitely shut the whole thing down.

[SpiralOut]

Yes tell him not to tell you what they say about you. You don't need to hear that crap. If he isn't talking about you they should have nothing to say. If this is his sisters they are probably jealous. Definitely shut the whole thing down.

 

Okay I'll do that. Thanks. I've been wondering if they secretly resent me, since my bf has been spending less time with them since dating me. I don't tell him what to do with his time or discourage him from seeing them, but they might not know that. And yeah so far as I know, the brothers don't complain about me. Oh well not my problem.

[Standard-Fare]

I have to question why your BF would even tell you this. I just don't see what good it does. It only serves to deepen the rift. Does he like stirring up drama?

[SpiralOut]

I have to question why your BF would even tell you this. I just don't see what good it does. It only serves to deepen the rift. Does he like stirring up drama?

 

I knew he was upset and asked him what's wrong.

[turnera]

I wouldn't confront them. If anything, I'd look for an opportunity to bring it up in a conversation between you, him, and his parents. Not to accuse (and ask them not to confront the siblings), but to let them know that there might be some friction moving forward. And you'll never know if they might see an instance and put bf's siblings in their place. Aside from that, just let them see over time that you're a good person.

[SpiralOut]

I told him to stop telling me things and he agreed not to, but today he shared something else, and I am upset again. They are so hypocritical it's amazing. I think it's the hypocrisy, more than anything, that gets to me.

 

 

I don't really understand why this conversation happened with them again. He told me that he would tell them to stop it if they brought it up again.

[turnera]

Because neither of you is willing to call them out on it.

[SpiralOut]

Because neither of you is willing to call them out on it.

 

I don't understand what you are saying. Earlier in this thread you advised me to not confront them, now you're saying they still talk to him about me because I haven't called them out? I don't understand the logic, of that, sorry.

 

 

I told my bf exactly what I think and he agrees - sometimes. Sometimes he admits it but sometimes he can't. And I can't talk to his parents because there is a language barrier. To be perfectly honest, I don't trust my bf to properly translate whatever I say about this to them.

Edited December 7, 2015 by SpiralOut

[turnera]

I don't think you should confront them because you're better off just ignoring them. But you asked WHY they keep doing it, and it's because they suffer no consequences for doing it.

 

We avoid what is unpleasant and stop doing what gives US a consequence. Nobody's making it unpleasant for them to be this way.

 

btw, your bf isn't going to defend you to them. He is stuck in a dynamic of needing their approval, from FOO stuff. So it's very unlikely he will upset that apple cart.

 

Are you learning his language?

[Qboro90]

What is it exactly that his sister/siblings think about you or jumped to a conclusion about. It's important to know because that can effect how to act. Say they were offended at something you said, then you can approach them and discuss it in a certain way where you come off as wanting to make sure you two were cool with each other.

 

If she thinks you sleep around, or cheated on her brother, or do drugs, then it's a more delicate approach.

[SpiralOut]

Yeah I am seeing that he won't stand up for me. He tries to (or claims that he does) but he does a poor job of it. He can't stand up for himself either, not when it comes to his family. I've watched them treat him with disrespect, and he'll make up excuses for them. Some of his excuses don't make any sense at all. He can't set boundaries with them.

 

 

He actually told me that he can't wait for me to prove them wrong. As if that's going to stop how they act? Something tells me they will just find something else wrong with me no matter what I do.

 

 

What is FOO?

[SpiralOut]

I suspect they will like me even less when they realize that I have no issues standing up to them. Thankfully I haven't had to do that yet. When that day does come, it should be interesting.

[Qboro90]

Yeah I am seeing that he won't stand up for me. He tries to (or claims that he does) but he does a poor job of it. He can't stand up for himself either, not when it comes to his family. I've watched them treat him with disrespect, and he'll make up excuses for them. Some of his excuses don't make any sense at all. He can't set boundaries with them.

 

 

He actually told me that he can't wait for me to prove them wrong. As if that's going to stop how they act? Something tells me they will just find something else wrong with me no matter what I do.

 

 

What is FOO?

 

Prove them wrong about what though? You still haven't explained what the reason is for them not liking you. Kind of a major detail here lol.

[Maggie4]

Can you tell us what assumptions they are making about you?

 

For example, if they say you are cheating on him, then it is likely that is actually what HE thinks, and he's using his sisters to bring up something he didn't want to say himself for fear of being called insecure.

 

So you see it matters what these accusations are. Also, his siblings don't socialize with you, they only know your information from whatever he tells them. So what has he told them?

[turnera]

FOO = family of origin

 

Meaning, we are, for the most part, a result of the family we grew up in. Personality plays a part, but FOO truly dictates how we turn out. Like if his whole family lies about stuff, he will, too. Either that or he'll vehemently oppose lying just to not be like them.

 

Stuff like that.

[Taramere]

I suspect they will like me even less when they realize that I have no issues standing up to them. Thankfully I haven't had to do that yet. When that day does come, it should be interesting.

 

I have difficulties with my sister in law. She's never liked me, and for a long time I tried to have a friendly relationship with her. I'd end up feeling like an idiot for trying. I did end up losing the rag a while back, and apparently she's never forgiven me. Frankly I think she was probably secretly delighted that I'd finally given her an excuse to "never really forgive me".

 

Getting into confrontation with people like that is exactly what they long for. You're better off just being civil, and learning to brush off the various slights and snubs you'll likely encounter. Accept their dislike of you with a bland smile, and return polite indifference. Don't dwell on their crap nor rise to it. Don't look on it as your problem to deal with either. If they're not comfortable with you and you're not comfortable with them, just try to limit the time you spend in their company and don't beat yourself up about not getting along with them.

 

I had a chat with a friend about this lately. She's a wonderful person, loved by many people....it's impossible for me to imagine anybody disliking her. Yet her own brother and her sister in law totally freeze her out (at least my brother and I are on reasonable terms). It made me think "if it can happen to her, it can happen to anybody."

[SpiralOut]

Thanks for the responses. I feel calm now, more so than earlier anyway.

 

 

I will unfortunately have to go see his family during the holidays, likely for dinner. I feel uneasy about it. They won't be rude to me I don't think but I'd rather not be around them. So I'll just suck it up and act like I haven't heard anything. Then I won't have to see them again for a while. I'm lucky that my bf prefers to spend time away from them, in fact I'm starting to understand why he skips so many family events. He gets frustrated with them easily.

[acrosstheuniverse]

I had a chat with a friend about this lately. She's a wonderful person, loved by many people....it's impossible for me to imagine anybody disliking her. Yet her own brother and her sister in law totally freeze her out (at least my brother and I are on reasonable terms). It made me think "if it can happen to her, it can happen to anybody."

 

Yes, this happened to me too. My friends would tell you I'm loyal, interesting, funny, compassionate and I have some really amazing friendships with people who reciprocally think I'm the bee's knees! I don't ever get engaged in drama, it never finds me, I just want to live a regular live and I'm definitely not someone who likes to fall out with people or bitch about others...

 

...and yet I went through something similar with my own brother and sister in law totally freezing me out, using my nieces as a tool with which to hurt me by withholding contact for months on end like I'd done something wrong, without ever actually telling me what it was and how to fix it. Sometimes there is no reason. My friends have been shocked over the years at how they treat me, I'm used to it now but it does really make you think there doesn't always have to be 'a reason', it doesn't mean this is about you.

 

If your boyfriend's siblings had a problem with you and were mature enough, they'd want to discuss it directly, or with your boyfriend in a way that made it clear they wanted to fix the relationship because this is putting your boyfriend in a painful position. They'd want to sort things out, give that you're going to be in each other's lives for a while at least. Or at the VERY least if they decided they didn't want to fix the relationship, they'd maintain a respectful silence, be cordial at get togethers. That is how mature people who don't seek drama act.

 

Don't concern yourself with them. If you maintain a distanced and polite manner, don't bug your boyfriend about it, act like you like them when you have to see them, they have nothing to hold against you. Some people get it into their head they want to make life tough for a particular person and there's really not a lot you can do about it.

 

If in the future you two end up married, things change a little and you're within your rights to expect your boyfriend to defend you, tell his family that they will treat you with respect whether they like you or not. It may be a warning sign that your boyfriend can't stand up for himself to his family at all as that isn't likely to ever change. But everyone has their flaws, sounds like you love him for who he is. Don't get enmeshed in the drama. Their opinion of you is NOT your problem unless you've done something you need to apologise for, and I think you'd know by now if that was the case.