I hate my mother

[ZoeyLane]

I need to vent. In real life there isn't many people I can talk to about this, because I am so ashamed and it's embarrassing.

 

Both of my parents are drug addicts.

 

Long story short, my mother is currently disabled, but she abuses some of her prescription medication. For about the past 10 years she has literally ruined every single holiday we have.

 

Now that I am a new mom, I refuse to let her ruin my baby's first Christmas. She came over on Thanksgiving and just like I expected she was out of it. She abuses Xanax to be specific. I warned her so many times before she came over, and it's like she doesn't listen or care. She swears up and down that she will be fine, but she always takes too much.

 

It's embarrassing for me and it stresses me out. If my in-laws are over I have to keep her in line. Make sure to put her to bed when she is falling asleep while talking. Last year for Christmas she fell asleep while cooking. It is very unsafe and it makes my holidays miserable.

 

On Thanksgiving, she took too much and wanted me to make her lunch, bring her a drink, run upstairs to get her glasses because she would come down and forget everything. I told her with taking care of a baby, working full-time, and trying to spend quality time with my brother who was visiting I will not help her. She just doesn't get it.

 

She never helps with my baby. She has never once made his bottle, or changed his diaper, etc...

 

Every time she is at my house it's me helping her. I do her laundry, buy her all the food she likes so that she has things to eat at my house. I am so sick of it, and I refuse to allow her to ruin my baby's first Christmas.

 

I told her this today, and now she is all depressed about it. She is claiming that she wasn't out of it for Thanksgiving, but I know she was. She is just in denial.

 

I can't help but feel bad, but I just can't take the stress of having her around. I had preeclampsia while I was pregnant, and I didn't know until the end. Part of me wonders if it's from all the stress of dealing with her. My blood pressure was over 180 when they rushed me to the emergency room and had to do an emergency c-section.

 

Anyone relate to any of this? I don't know what else to do besides give her some tough love.

 

Honestly, I seriously SERIOUSLY hate to say this but if she doesn't make a change I rather her pass away. Don't judge me. It's so hard dealing with a parent who is a drug addict. On top of that I have to financially support her.

 

I am constantly worried about her. One time she almost burned her apartment down because she was cooking and she fell asleep and started a huge fire in her kitchen. She lives in affordable housing. Another time she answered her door at 1 AM to some guy and he raped her. When the detective came she couldn't give her any details because she was falling asleep. She recently lost her 9K pair of dentures my grandpa bought her years ago. She gets messed up and loses everything. I am so sick of picking up all the pieces after she decides to take 90 Xanax's in 5 days.

 

Those are just some examples of how out of control she is, and at this point I don't know what to do.

 

I guess the problem is also that I feel so alone. There are not many people that can relate to this, usually it's the other way around. No one gets it. No one realizes how hard it is. No one can help me because they don't fully understand. I am just a young woman trying to make my own way into this world and I had no help from my parents. I am trying to do everything right and break the cycle but she just keeps on dragging me down.

 

I love her, but I hate her so very much. I feel awful about it. She is my mother.

Edited December 1, 2015 by ZoeyLane

[bathtub-row]

Your feelings are valid. I would hate being around someone like this. Especially the denial stuff. That's ridiculous.

 

Since you seem to be in charge of her care, can you talk to her doctor and inform him of the drug abuse?

 

If I were you, I'd let her know that instead of her visiting you for Christmas, you'll come see her on Christmas Eve. She really should not be driving at all anyway. Someday she's going to kill someone. That way, you won't have to deal with her at your house, or have her mess up your holiday. If there is some way you can disentangle yourself from her life, I would recommend that you do it.

 

What's her situation -- does she live with your dad?

[pureinheart]

She needs rehab... big time...

 

As for hating her, that's up to you, wanting her 'gone'- same thing. I'm not judging you or her, I suppose there are many that will identify with one of you.

 

I've seen this a lot and there are no answers except healing on both ends- she needs an intervention. Yesterday.

[ZoeyLane]

I agree she needs rehab.

 

Are there rehabs available for people on Medicaid?

 

I've thought about talking to her doctors, but I'm worried they will drop her and then she won't find another doctor that will work with her.

 

Her doctor now is free. I don't want to have her drop her and then us be stuck finding another doctor that will take her. I've personally called over 80. There are not many pain management doctors anymore.

 

She doesn't drive.

 

She doesn't live with my stepdad anymore. That's a whole other story. He was taking her meds though for over 10 years. One time she had to be rushed to the hospital because she was having seizures from Xanax withdrawals.

 

That's my concern. Her withdrawing if there is no help for her.

[TaraMaiden2]

What I will say may sound harsh, but I'd like you to consider it as a possibility.

You enable her behaviour.

She gets away with it because up to now (very probably due to feelings of guilt and/or obligation) you have let her do so.

You say you hate your mother; I suspect that part of the hatred is anger with yourself for permitting yourself to pander to her 'needs'. Which of course, are not 'needs' at all. Not in the way one understands a baby's needs, for example.

 

your baby needs you and you deal with your baby precisely as you should because it's what is required of you as a mother and carer.

Your mother plays upon your good nature and obligation, and you permit this to happen which leaves you frustrated and resentful.

If you don't want to do this any more, then don't.

Stop it. Just stop..

Because you protest to your mother, and tell her you 'can't do this' yet, you do.

And she knows it, and keeps pushing, because she knows you would much rather pour oil on troubled waters and keep the peace, rather than make a scene, have a mighty fall-out, create embarrassment and upset the apple-cart. As was evidenced here...

 

It's embarrassing for me and it stresses me out. If my in-laws are over I have to keep her in line.

 

So if you've had enough - prove it.

Do not pander to her, and arrange, with whatever close relatives will help you, to possibly get her sectioned and/or helped.

You are not a professional.

You are not trained to deal with an addict, or experienced in any way in how to cope with such a person and deal with their problem.

You're her daughter, and she plays on that, big-time.

 

Keep your word, quit bowing under the pressure, and enlist the assistance of those in a position to assist.

But don't do this any more.

With each gesture, you gnaw away at your own resolve and dignity, and deprive your child of a healthy, relaxed and happy mom.

 

That's not fair. On anyone.

Including, believe it or not, your mother.

[ZoeyLane]

I agree. I enable her to some extent.

 

I just don't know what kind of help is out there for someone that can't afford it. It might sound harsh but I have no hope that she will actually change. I don't want her to lose her disability benefits, her housing, her Medicaid, and food stamps.

 

I can't afford to take on all of those expenses. Especially now with a baby.

 

That's my main concern.

[TaraMaiden2]

I agree. I enable her to some extent.

 

I just don't know what kind of help is out there for someone that can't afford it. It might sound harsh but I have no hope that she will actually change. I don't want her to lose her disability benefits, her housing, her Medicaid, and food stamps.

 

I can't afford to take on all of those expenses. Especially now with a baby.

 

That's my main concern.

Then speak to her doctor, or speak to your own, and get help.

You don't have to do this on your own.

And - I'm sorry for this, but - if she loses out on anything, it's her loss, and she's brought it about.

She must take responsibility for her actions, and you must let her. Because it is not your obligation to bail her out, support her and finance her every move.

 

You can do absolutely nothing to change her, and only she has that power.

The only way she might - just might - see she needs to change her MO, is if she realises that all of this, is down to her to deal with.

I'm sure you don't want her to experience any loss deprivation or discomfort.

 

She has no such qualms about you going through that, though, has she?

[ZoeyLane]

Thank you for the response.

 

I've also thought about asking my own doctor about this, but I wasn't sure if there was some law that required doctors to report drug abuse. Especially drug abuse from prescription medication.

 

The bottom line is I would love for her to get some professional help, but

I'm not sure what would be available to her. Also, I know addicts won't change unless they admit they have a problem.

 

She won't admit it. She is like a child. Everything is always someone else's fault. That's how she is. She hasn't grown up much. Her father was supporting her and my stepdad for over 14 years. Neither of them worked. She still calls him daddy and calls him crying about all her dumb problems. He lives in another state.

 

I know financially she isn't my responsibility, but if it weren't for me she would be living on the streets. My brother was the one that got her approved Medicaid and SSI. I was the one that found her housing, and it all took about a year and a half

 

Before that she was living with my brother once my grandpa couldn't afford to support her anymore. We both refuse to let her live with us now. We both have babies and we don't want them to grow up in that type on environment. My brother had pretty much cut her out of his life.

 

All she has is me, and I'm sick of her.

 

Sad to say that if I recieved a phone call about her being dead we would all feel relieved, not sad.

 

The mother I knew has died a long time ago.

[Tayla]

Op, You speak words in which carry much emotional torment. I sincerely understand as someone who very much can identify with the active addicts mindset. Whilst Tara made some observations that hold true and actions which are valid, may I say:

 

You are to strong to be around her weakness. Til she improves by her own volition, keep the grandchild safe. What you are expressing is distain for a behavior and attitude. Particularly when its a blood relative.

 

My how those embarressing moments hit home.

I'm genuinely sorry that you are experiencing this in adulthood. It must be a muddle of responsibilities.

 

Get thru the distain at your pace... understand her illness is not her. Compassion sometimes means letting go of your guilt and hurt.

 

edit/add on: hon, You truly have no idea how you'd behave losing a parent. Yet relief will not be one that comes to mind. Out of due respect for her, I hope that moment doesnt arrive at your doorstep.

Edited December 2, 2015 by Tayla

[BC1980]

I think you should talk to her doctor about options for rehab. Maybe he can talk to a social worker who would know of some options. If she refuses to get help, I would enforce strict boundaries. You can cut her out of your life if she refuses help, but let her know that once she is willing to get help, you will support her. If you don't want to cut her out completely, you could ban her from your house completely. You could go visit her at her house, by yourself, on the condition that she isn't high.

 

She needs to feel very stiff consequences for her addiction is she has any hope of trying to fight her addiction. Also, you need to be free to live your life without an addicted parent. You can lay out the consequences of continued addiction, and she can decide if she wants to get help or accept those consequences. But let her know that you love her and will be waiting with open arms for the day she decides she wants help. My heart goes out to you because addiction is a horrible thing to go through.

[d0nnivain]

You can't change her. You can't make her go to rehab. Do not even try. It will only make you crazier.

 

 

I know you are busy with a new baby, but fit some time in your schedule to go to a narc-anon meeting. It's a support group for people who love drug abusers. They will teach you how to cope with her dysfunction.

 

 

Until you stop trying to change her, you will continue to be stressed. This has to be about changing your reaction to her addiction, which may come through being strong enough to throw her out of your life.

 

 

As for her not helping with your new baby, be thankful for that. Addicts can not be trusted with kids.

[StBreton]

ZOEY..."Honestly, I seriously SERIOUSLY hate to say this but if she doesn't make a change I rather her pass away."

 

Zoey...you seem like a really nice and stable woman and truly making the best of your life. I will say that the above statement makes you look like a black and white thinker. That's not a good thing in this respect. You are changing your authentic self due to your circumstances with you mom. Please look at this carefully as it is a slippery slope and you want to remain true to who you are.

 

I think the best you can do is to have an alternate holiday with your mom so her behavior doesn't "trigger" you to behave in a manner that is contrary to who you are. I know you treasure these holidays as most do but it just isn't the right atmosphere considering the drugs. I know it's a sad situation and I feel for you. Soon you'll look at the alternate holidays as "well that's what we do to make it all work."