wife having affair with brother

[Marc878]

Ugh, just ugh. For this to happen in from of your son! It's bad enough anyway.

 

This will come out. Your son won't be able to keep this under wraps got long.

 

Better put a plan together. Obviously it's been a long term sexual affair. And as one poster put there maybe a child issue invoked with who the father actually is.

 

I hope not its bad enough as is.

 

Sorry you are here

[privategal]

I hope you catch them in the act in the bedroom because I think two people being face to face with the one they are betraying is the ultimate shame and something they will never be able to shrug off or forget.

As for you, you can move on, heal, its so hard I know, with your brother involved it cuts deep, but I would start to imagine what your dreams were aside from family, what were your guilty pleasures or things you wished you could do if you were single. You have that to look forward to once you get through this initial storm, she has karma and the way she disrespected you with your own brother and being seen by your son to live with.

I hope you can stay calm and classy and proceed in a way you can be proud of. Im so sorry. I hope the divorce proceedings are fast so you can begin to heal and rebuild in the new year.

[kgcolonel]

I wonder, as public of a place as a shopping mall is, did they actually WANT to get caught? It would alleviate them from having to break the news to anyone....

[S2B]

Hugs to you - that sucks big time.

 

 

I can't see needing any more info/input as I would feel that I had quite enough info to work with.

 

Making decisions in your (and stability for your kids too) best interest is critical now.

 

 

Anything she wants or desires would be non existent.

 

Expose to all family and friends! Expose away immediately before she has her chance to tell more lies to them.

 

Let her deal with the huge fallout coming her way. You take care of yourself and your kids by removing her toxic self from your home.

[kgcolonel]

I hope you catch them in the act in the bedroom because I think two people being face to face with the one they are betraying is the ultimate shame and something they will never be able to shrug off or forget.

As for you, you can move on, heal, its so hard I know, with your brother involved it cuts deep, but I would start to imagine what your dreams were aside from family, what were your guilty pleasures or things you wished you could do if you were single. You have that to look forward to once you get through this initial storm, she has karma and the way she disrespected you with your own brother and being seen by your son to live with.

I hope you can stay calm and classy and proceed in a way you can be proud of. Im so sorry. I hope the divorce proceedings are fast so you can begin to heal and rebuild in the new year.

 

 

PrivateGal....I agree to some extent with you however for me it would have been even more shaming to be caught by my child! How pitiful for the family excluding the WW.

 

OP, I am thinking it is time to put your personal interests aside and take care of your son. This will also get to your other children so best set a plan for that as well. Counseling is the best option but i am going to disagree with keeping this underwraps in hopes of more details. Now, it involves your son, he needs to be the priority not your confident. You know all you need to address the situation, she has not only betrayed you but the whole family and done it where your son could and did witness this.

 

She needs to be held accountable for your son's sake. Get him into counseling so that he can received the help needed to deal with the betrayal of his mother.

 

I also agree with the DNA testing....I would also immediately let her know that you are going for immediate STD testing. This will tell her that you have no doubt that she has scr_wed your brother. Tell your parents as well....you'r bother is a pile of s__t.

[privategal]

She totally wrecked Christmas. I think a little Rambo is just fine and warranted. She had no shame publicly holding his hand and making out with him in a community where people know you guys. No I doubt she wanted to get caught. But she did.

I don't know what finances look like but could you consider going to the beach for a few days with the kids? Not out of spite but to be in a warm happy environment to enjoy a little downtime? Get their thoughts on whether they would like to go, just a thought, cause no way can you look her in the eye right now, or at your brother. You need time away to process.

Your kids sound older, you may be able to just be honest with them gently.

You don't have to have them hating her or create additional tension, they will choose to feel how they want to and you can try and stay neutral, but privately, Id shame them both because she just torched a family out of selfish greed. WIth your brother. Id not create hate, Id immediately seek some guy friends to get support and a sounding board, and Id seek counseling. Id get photos, the works if you can catch them again.

So MAD for your sake.

[TaraMaiden2]

(Hope the OP is ok. Wondering where he is, and how things are going.....)

[aliveagain]

Sorry for your pain friend. You need to be careful how you handle this, your son is involved and watching you. You stopped him from confronting them so he may be confused with your inaction. Talk to a lawyer immediately, you need to know where you stand financially and you need to protect your children(that doesn't mean you have to stay with your cheating wife). You need to make plans for the holidays and make sure your brother is not included in your plans. He's been single 2 years, divorced 4 times, sounds like a real keeper. My guess is your wife has been helping him over the last 2 years with his loss.

 

You have enough to start the process, separation is a waste of time and painful so if your going through pain only do it once, divorce takes time and right now you don't know where your wife stands. Your children will talk so no way of keeping this a family secret. They will expect you to be strong and banishing your brother from your family will need to be the first step. No unprotected sex with your wife, get tested for STD's because they always lie about using protection. Talk to your brothers ex, she may have information that may help you. At least you now know why your brothers not dating, he's dating your wife.

[merrmeade]

Shut up, play stupid and compliant.

 

Unfortunately, the vast, vast majority of betrayed spouses are so devastated by rejection that they end up clinging to their wayward spouse (who will do almost anything to placate you once they've been caught).

 

You know about trickle truth. It happens and it happens pretty damn consistently.

 

You have one and only one chance to really get at the truth here. And then you'll have to decide if you can live with it. Confronting her will serve NO purpose except to ruin your chances of finding out how deep the rabbit hole goes. I wouod find out first, and then deal with the gut wrenching task of trying to figure out what to do about it.

 

If you confront now, I see her gaslighting you by minimizing what you "saw" and denying anything further. Then what will you do? It'll be too late to discover the truth because they'll have coordinated a story, deleted any evidence, and made a decision to lay low until the dust settles.

 

Make decisions with your head instead of your emotions. A confrontation is simply what your emotions want you to do. But it's absolutely counter-productive. Want to confront her effectively? Do it after you know what there is to know and do it via the service of divorce papers.

Only problem with this is what it does to the kid. It's not right to ask children to keep secrets.

[Buckeye2]

Your children will talk so no way of keeping this a family secret. They will expect you to be strong and banishing your brother from your family will need to be the first step.

 

I agree. Ask your son to keep quiet just long enough to get your ducks in a row. Move quickly.

[merrmeade]

What I did works to an extent but probably never 100%. Looking back at how I prepared for it, it's kind of funny. But it did elicit a confession or four (more than I'd expected or wanted).

 

I did some weird searches on getting people to confess and the main factor I remember was preparing the person psychologically and pretending you know more than you do. I read several articles and blogs, including one about how the police do it and the importance of food. Weird but it worked.

 

So I spent an enjoyable afternoon with H, fed him some tasty homemade treats, built up his ego and trust, then told him she'd already told me everything (when I really only knew 10% like you), so he might as well tell me. He confessed that they were having an EA which was not the whole truth (my fault, I'd suggested first this was all it was). Next—a bonus—he confessed to a 2-month (which later turned out to be 6-month) affair with a fellow grad student decades earlier.

 

So here are the elements I used:

Get them off guard and make them trust you -

- flatter and show sympathy for whatever you think their own difficulties are that they might use to justify the affair;

- say that the other person told you everything;

- offer excuses and understanding for their problems, even take some blame;

- DON"T suggest or feed them lines; keep possibilities open.

 

I don't wholeheartedly recommend this approach. There are obvious holes that may backfire later. Some of the idea involves getting them to think that there's nothing to lose in their mind (ie, you've convinced them you think they're a good guy and haven't done anything that bad) and they may want to get it off their chest.

 

I've never done anything like this before or since.

[merrmeade]

One more thing: Obviously it only works once.

[turnera]

Sorry for your pain friend. You need to be careful how you handle this, your son is involved and watching you. You stopped him from confronting them so he may be confused with your inaction. Talk to a lawyer immediately, you need to know where you stand financially and you need to protect your children(that doesn't mean you have to stay with your cheating wife).

This is very important. You're teaching your son how to act. Don't go berserk, but sure as hell don't beg her to stay, and hand THAT legacy down to your son.

[merrmeade]

I hope at some point you can focus only on your son and the trauma he experienced with that scene in the mall and your reaction. There will be a lot more. Consider counseling at some point for him.

[S2B]

Your son is now learning that when he has feelings to stuff those feelings a stay quiet!

 

I can't begin to tell you how damaging that is to any person.

 

 

I hope your son speaks up! Expresses to his mom how he feels and unloads on her!

 

Do not stand in the way of his truth.

[Whatnotagain]

For the sake of your own sanity and your own physical well-being, do not hold this inside and delay confronting her. I have done this and I can tell you that your pain will manifest itself both physically and mentally. Don’t delay for the possibility that you might discover something more, confront her now. In my own opinion you have all the information you need. Do not let the sun go down before you confront her and your brother. Start thinking worst case scenario and assume that they have had sex. You saw them being intimate together in public together as did your son. I agree with merrmeade tactics of playing a stronger hand you have and telling your wife that you know she’s been having sex with your brother, and that you saw them together at the mall. You’re dealing with two liars and cheaters so don’t feel bad if you embellish a little when you confront her.

[S2B]

No reason to investigate anything further - you saw all the info needed to make a decision.

 

Hopefully you can make a decision that's in your best interest long term.

 

Be mindful that what you decide and the action you take is setting an example for your kids.

 

 

If you want them to learn you need to lead by example.

 

Get them professional help to deal with trauma that their Mom has created. I hope they can understand that not all Moms and women act this way.

 

Use this as a tool to teach your kids how to handle crap that life throws us with grace and dignity.

 

Above all else - honor yourself.

[pteromom]

How old is your son?

 

It's not fair to him to ask him to stay quiet.

 

If it had only been you, you would have time to do detective work, but he needs to be able to deal with what he saw.

 

I would buy a VAR, put it in her car when she gets home, THEN confront her and ask her to leave. You'll get a lot better information before she has time to plan/scheme.

 

If they are at the stage of hanging at the mall, this has been going on for a while. When people start affairs, they are sneaky. They've gotten to the point where they feel comfortable being in public. So yeah.

 

I am really sorry. For you, and especially for your son. What his mother has done is going to color every relationship he ever has. Be sure to keep talking to him about how he feels.

[morrowrd]

I am really sorry. I can feel the pain just reading this post and saying I'm sorry hardly covers it. My friend, don't waste time in detective mode....call a spade a spade and do it. Get it done with, it doesn't matter about trickle down details because how is that going to help you. Find out where you stand....for your own sake. Thats exactly what I would do in your situation and then, decide from there.

[BetrayedH]

Only problem with this is what it does to the kid. It's not right to ask children to keep secrets.

 

I respect that point of view. However, I do think it depends upon the age of the eldest son that witnessed it with him. If the son is an adult or close to it (seems possible if he's the eldest of four), he may respect his father's wishes to take some time before deciding what to do. It's also possible that the eldest son lives on his own. Personally, I would understand if one of my parents were betrayed by the other and the betrayed parent requested some time. Of course, I'm 45 years old. I think the age and maturity of the eldest son is a factor.

[sandylee1]

I wonder, as public of a place as a shopping mall is, did they actually WANT to get caught? It would alleviate them from having to break the news to anyone....

 

I thought this too. Why would you as a married person having an affair be kissing the AP in public... unless it was 1000s of miles away from your home town. How incredibly stupid is that.

 

You don't know how long it's bee. I agree you should DNA test.. but if you can't fathom that any of the kids may not be yours...leave it be.

 

What sort of siblings have affairs with their inlaws... it's absolutely disgusting. All this stuff about blocking the OM and going NC... if your own blood does this.. if your wife thinks nothing of having sex with your brother...... then what do you have in the name of a marriage. You just don't go some places and your brothers husband is one of them.

 

I am so sorry your wife and brother have done this to you. Even worse that your son saw it too..... a mighty big SHAME ON THEM. Then people say an affair doesn't make you a bad parent.. really !!

 

I don't have advice as such.. but I could not live with my husband if he had an affair with my sister......NEVER. Thank God my sisters would never betray me by doing such.

 

My heart goes out to you.

[sandylee1]

I wonder, as public of a place as a shopping mall is, did they actually WANT to get caught? It would alleviate them from having to break the news to anyone....

 

I thought this too. Why would you as a married person having an affair be kissing the AP in public... unless it was 1000s of miles away from your home town. How incredibly stupid is that.

 

You don't know how long it's bee. I agree you should DNA test.. but if you can't fathom that any of the kids may not be yours...leave it be.

 

What sort of siblings have affairs with their inlaws... it's absolutely disgusting. All this stuff about blocking the OM and going NC... if your own blood does this.. if your wife thinks nothing of having sex with your brother...... then what do you have in the name of a marriage. You just don't go some places and your brothers husband is one of them.

 

I am so sorry your wife and brother have done this to you. Even worse that your son saw it too..... a mighty big SHAME ON THEM. Then people say an affair doesn't make you a bad parent.. really !!

 

I don't have advice as such.. but I could not live with my husband if he had an affair with my sister......NEVER. Thank God my sisters would never betray me by doing such.

 

My heart goes out to you.

[stillafool]

I just feel so bad for you and your son and what you are going through. I agree you have to confront her soon for your son's sake. You may decide to stay with your wife but it's doubtful you'll ever feel the same about her again. Later you may divorce and she'll no longer be your wife. Your brother, on the other hand, will always be your brother and will have to take it to his grave what he did to his brother.

[doublebetrayal]

Sorry guys, my thread had been deleted and then resurfaced but then got closed. Thanks to the mods for reopening this thread.

 

I have been playing dumb for the past week since DDAY. I've tested for STD's and been trying to find out how long the affair has been going on. So far I have been able to go back as far as 8 years, the further back I go, the more it hurts! I can't believe my wife my life and my soul and my brother my bestfriend and idol would do this to me!!

 

My son is barely speaking to anyone, everyone can tell something is not right with myself and my son, but I have managed to keep everyone calm for the time being. I have spoken to a lawyer and explained the situation. Here in Australia it's no fault, so this will be tricky if it's not an amicable split, I am hoping it will be.

 

As far as my emotions go, I am in so much pain that words cannot describe. I never understood the pain of betrayal from other BS's, but it is the worst feeling in the world! This double betrayal has no doubt completely shattered my ability to trust anyone ever again. The two people I expected to have my back, stabbed me in the back. How does one deal with that?!

 

Our marriage seemed to be amazing, we rarely fight, and when we do it's resolved with good communication. Up until DDAY, our sex life was pretty good. We are both attractive and fit people, I go above and beyond to give my family a good life. I balance time from work with time at home perfectly. Everyone thought we were the perfect couple, and SO DID I!!! It wasn't a show, I legitimately thought I had the perfect life and wife. Now my life has come crashing down right in front of me. My world as I knew it has been shattered. How does one even begin to heal? I am not coping well to be honest.

 

As far as the wife suspecting anything, I have managed to tell her it's just work that's bothering me. They have met up twice since DDAY and I almost confronted her the second time she went to be with him, but I am almost done figuring out the full extent of the affair. I am scared that some or all of my kids are not my own (biologically speaking).

 

Thank you for your responses, I have not yet read all of them, but I will and answer them all. Hopefully this update will answer some at least.

 

Thank you,

DB.

[afoolto no end]

I am very sorry for what the two people you trusted did to you, but they did...

Your only concern right now is yourself and your son....all your children, you are the father of all those children whether they are yours or not, being there for them is a father loving them is a father..........bio or not.........

I would do the d day and the separation in one swoop so it benefits your sanity and emotional well being.