wife having affair with brother

[salparadise]

They couldn't give a duck's a$$ how you feel, what you think, where this puts you, or what it's done to you.

 

But it all being above board - just file, and throw her out.

 

Sorry, but you have proof, confrontation is pointless, and closure impossible, at this stage..

 

I agree with Tara's points above. They won't be moved by your pain; they are remorseless, and they've had 14 years to assimilate the future fallout of this contingency. She's not going to be shocked that she got caught––she's going to be thinking, "why did it take your ass 14 years to figure it out."

 

You need a power move at this point, not a bunch of soft-pedaling and blame shifting excuses from you wife and brother. What could she possibly say that would make this better? Nothing. I think it would be fitting if you never speak or look at either one of them again, ever. Let them be the ones lacking closure.

 

I say have her served and kick her ass out of the house at the same time if possible. Have a sheriff serve papers, change the locks and protect the accounts. I have no idea what is doable under the law, but consult a lawyer and stick to what you can do legally. Expose it all to the whole family.

 

Paternity- she doesn't even know which kids are your and which are your brother's. I don't think you'll have closure until you know, but that's really secondary to getting her and her stuff out of your sight. It will be hard, but I think you will eventually need to know. And the children will too.

 

I can't even imagine how painful this must be. Get into counseling asap if you haven't already. You're going to need help sorting through it and rebuilding a life. Take good care of yourself- eat well, exercise and sleep as best you can.

[WomenWubber]

Your wife will make your life a living hell in divorce if you just stay there and do nothing. Sure your wife doesn't need to know (hope she doesn't), but you need to protect yourself ASAP. You've been receiving amazing advice, please follow it.

 

Your wife has been behaving like a remorseless POS during most of your marriage, but when she realizes divorce is on the horizon she will most likely unleash an even uglier side of her you've never seen.

 

I'm sorry about what you are going through, I really am. But just know this is going to get a lot worse in all ways possible.

 

Forget about closure. Be prepared for war.

[road]

I agree with Tara's points above. They won't be moved by your pain; they are remorseless, and they've had 14 years to assimilate the future fallout of this contingency. She's not going to be shocked that she got caught––she's going to be thinking, "why did it take your ass 14 years to figure it out."

 

You need a power move at this point, not a bunch of soft-pedaling and blame shifting excuses from you wife and brother. What could she possibly say that would make this better? Nothing. I think it would be fitting if you never speak or look at either one of them again, ever. Let them be the ones lacking closure.

 

I say have her served and kick her ass out of the house at the same time if possible. Have a sheriff serve papers, change the locks and protect the accounts. I have no idea what is doable under the law, but consult a lawyer and stick to what you can do legally. Expose it all to the whole family.

 

Paternity- she doesn't even know which kids are your and which are your brother's. I don't think you'll have closure until you know, but that's really secondary to getting her and her stuff out of your sight. It will be hard, but I think you will eventually need to know. And the children will too.

 

I can't even imagine how painful this must be. Get into counseling asap if you haven't already. You're going to need help sorting through it and rebuilding a life. Take good care of yourself- eat well, exercise and sleep as best you can.

 

It is time to take strong action. You need to hand her divorce papers when you tell her that she got caught cheating. Then expose this affair far and wide. Send your brother/OM a NC text then block his number.

 

 

Keep your doors locked so if he comes he can not get in. Do not answer the door and call 911 that there is a trespasser at your house. There is nothing that the OM can say to you.

[stillafool]

It takes a special type of person to do what your wife has done to you. To sleep with your brother then come home and have sex with you, just nasty. I don't understand how you can ever even look at her again much less want to keep her. She does not love you plain and simple. I will repeat SHE DOES NOT LOVE YOU! There is no way she could lay in your own brothers arms, give him oral sex and do God knows what else and come back to you and kiss you with the same mouth she used on him. She's disgusting dude. Even your son knows she is disgusting. If you stay with her you are showing your son you are a chump and this is how he should act if he's ever put in the same position that you are. You have been cuckolded by your brother for 14 years. Please pick up your balls and show this woman you are not the weakling she thinks you are. Yes she thinks your brother is the stronger man.

Edited December 9, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language ~6

[Buckeye2]

Being able to look at their email is pure gold. You may not be able to do it but ideally it’s best to confront without revealing that you can do it. This has two advantages:

 

1. After the confrontation you can see their honest communication with each other. Are they ending the affair? Does she love him? Does she love you? Etc. You can confront one of them and then give them a chance to email. The email might include getting their story straight.

 

2. After the confrontation you can test how honest they are being with you. See if they admit to a long term affair or not. You can keep them off balance. They will swear that something is true and you can tell them with confidence that it’s not. Then see what they do.

 

Start off with what you saw and then shut up. See what they say. Don’t spill your guts even if it feels good. It will only help them. Make them think that a PI or friends must have seen more things.

[stillafool]

I see what you're saying Buckeye, but he already knows the truth and the only way to deal with this is file for divorce, throw her in the street, move on with his life.

[kgcolonel]

DoubleBetrayal, this may have been covered but don't remember. Are your parents still living and do you have other siblings?

 

If the answer to these questions is YES, where will this news leave your POS brother once all this is revealed?

 

Also, I am not familiar with the laws in your parts but what are the child support practices? If you do want to get some form of justice, while i do realize that your children are your kids, by DNA testing...if you were to find out that the POS brother is the bio dad, here in the states there is the matter of financial support.

 

I do remember the question but i think it occurred just before the thread interruption, what are the ages of your children....are they old enough to understand what is happening once the sh*t hits the fan?

 

Very sorry if i have asked questions that have already been addressed.

[BetrayedH]

I hate to tell you this but that's not the way to get closure.

That's just the very best way of merely saying to them, "Here. Have my shattered broken heart and stomp on it some more, so that it's really obliterated to a pulp."

 

Stop and think a minute.

They've been laughing behind your back all this time, playing you for an absolute fool and dumbass for years.

Your brother has 'multi-familied', with no apparent remorse of brake on his actions.

The paternity of children they've let you feed, fund, clothe and bring up, is questionable.

 

You honestly think they give a damn about your feelings, explanations, honesty, frankness, confessing, confrontation or closure?

 

The hell they do.

They couldn't give a duck's a$$ how you feel, what you think, where this puts you, or what it's done to you.

 

I'll be really honest here, and admit I'm having some difficulty swallowing this tale, but I really want to give you the benefit of the doubt, because 14 years is an awfully long time to be fooled by something of such magnitude.

 

But it all being above board - just file, and throw her out.

 

Sorry, but you have proof, confrontation is pointless, and closure impossible, at this stage.

You'll get closure many, many years down the line.

But definitely not now, and not this way.

 

Betrayed spouses always think they're going to get closure from the first confrontation. They think they're going to get answers. It never happens. Closure comes years later and it doesn't come from the wayward spouse; it comes from within.

[Buckeye2]

I see what you're saying Buckeye, but he already knows the truth and the only way to deal with this is file for divorce, throw her in the street, move on with his life.

 

I agree. But it's very easy to just tell his wife what he saw then sit back and watch the fur fly. Then read the emails. It's his one chance to find out some things and it's very easy. All spilling you guts right out of the gate does is give his wife information.

[road]

I agree. But it's very easy to just tell his wife what he saw then sit back and watch the fur fly. Then read the emails. It's his one chance to find out some things and it's very easy. All spilling you guts right out of the gate does is give his wife information.

 

 

 

 

I agree the smart way to deal with this is to:

Go to a lawyer and get divorce papers.

 

 

Do not reveal to WW that you have email evidence.

 

 

Back up all of those emails where WW can not get access to them.

 

 

Then just tell the WW what he saw.

 

 

Then let her deny.

 

 

Then mention that son was there and saw it as well.

 

 

Then see how she spins that.

 

 

Then quietly check WW email to she what she tells the OM. See what they say as they plan to spin this and control collateral damage.

 

 

Then the next day hand her the papers but still do not reveal how you know. Wondering what and how much you know will make her go nuts.

[salparadise]

I agree. But it's very easy to just tell his wife what he saw then sit back and watch the fur fly. Then read the emails. It's his one chance to find out some things and it's very easy. All spilling you guts right out of the gate does is give his wife information.

 

Yes, if he's going to confront her he should start the questioning with the least offensive things and not reveal what he actually knows...

 

I saw you holding hands... oh we're just affectionate in-laws

I saw you kissing... oh it was just a friendly greeting, like the French do

How long has it been going on... oh this was the only time

Have you phukked him... how could you even ask me such a thing?

 

Then quit questioning and distribute copies of the emails to family members, her family and friends and so forth. Let her piece it together as the sh*t flies.

 

But I still think it best if she learns she's busted by being served and removed from the house.

[Spectre]

I am sorry for what this awful woman put you through. To think she could have 4 kids and still do this. Mother of the year right there.

 

She doesn't care about her children or her family. Mommy just cares about getting laid. Well divorce her then she can spend all the time with your shady brother that she wants. Maybe she can see the kids on Christmas and birthdays. I doubt she'll care much though, see the "sex with shady brother in law more important then her family" part of this.

 

Divorce her, don't pay her a dime of alimony if she tries to get any, and just raise your kids to know the type of person their mother truly is. I assume she'll try to get money, women who cheat seem to always think they should still be entitled to stuff if divorced.

Edited December 9, 2015 by Spectre

[stillafool]

 

Save copies of texts, they will help you in a divorce. This is no mistake, 14 years takes a lot of planning. They will be two against you when you confront. I would suggest you expose them to the family, have her move into another home so you can think clearly without her influence. Just make sure it's not your brothers home.

 

Actually I think you should drop your POS wife's stuff off at your POS BIL's house with the emails attached to her suit cases along with a note describing what you and your son saw. Then distribute copies to all the family members. There is no closure to be had here. The only closure should be closing the door on your wife and brother.

[BetrayedH]

...But my wife on the other hand, we have a different bond. I don't know if i'm ready to give her up...

 

It's amazing that so many betrayed spouses are like this. I was, too. Dday is such a shock to the system. You're not ready to lose everything you worked for. And so we go into this bizarre form of damage control, trying to salvage it all. Your wife hasn't even stopped what she's doing or expressed any remorse for it. But here you are prepared to forgive her for it.

 

Sadly, your wife is likely to shed crocodile tears and beg for another chance. That's her own form of damage control. She'll appear remorseful. She won't want her world blown up. She'll do her best to manage you. And your heart will want to buy into it. Unfortunately, after the amount of time that this has been going on, I think she got over any real guilt for what she's doing a LONG time ago. But she'll fake it. And you'll want to believe it, because you already want to believe it.

 

Worse yet, a "soft" approach by you is likely the worst possible path if your aim is to reconcile. Your acceptance will be seen as weak and unattractive. You'll be vulnerable to more manipulation. If you want to save your marriage, you truly need to be ready to lose it and she needs to see exactly that. This is why I recommend confronting with papers. It's counter-intuitive but the reality is that your best chance to save your marriage is to file for divorce. Then you wait and see if she is truly ready to do what is necessary. If she does, you can always halt the proceedings. If she doesn't, then you're on the way to the divorce you need.

[S2B]

How are you doing DB?

 

What are you doing about this today?

 

I'm sorry for your pain.

[S2B]

Quote:

Originally Posted by doublebetrayal View Post

...But my wife on the other hand, we have a different bond. I don't know if i'm ready to give her up...

 

 

This is an illusion. What is reality and what is the illusion that she has created are vastly different.

 

She isn't the woman you thought she was. It's hard but it may be useful to write out who she actually is vs who she lead you to believe she 'was' by using your evidence.

 

 

For example:

 

I 'thought' she was a woman who went to yoga 3 times a week.

 

She actually a woman that met with my brother those times she pretended to go to yoga.

 

I'm sure you're wonder who she is...she's created so many lies it would be difficult to decipher who the real her actually is.

 

 

You don't know her. You only know who she wanted you to know. That's not the real version of who she is.

[BetrayedH]

This is an illusion. What is reality and what is the illusion that she has created are vastly different.

 

She isn't the woman you thought she was. It's hard but it may be useful to write out who she actually is vs who she lead you to believe she 'was' by using your evidence.

 

 

For example:

 

I 'thought' she was a woman who went to yoga 3 times a week.

 

She actually a woman that met with my brother those times she pretended to go to yoga.

 

I'm sure you're wonder who she is...she's created so many lies it would be difficult to decipher who the real her actually is.

 

 

You don't know her. You only know who she wanted you to know. That's not the real version of who she is.

 

There's a lot of truth to this. Right now you'd probably say you still love your wife. But you're in love with a fantasy. That's not who she is. You've now discovered who she is. Knowing her capability and willingness to lie to you for decades and to have such a long term affair with your own brother, is this really someone you would choose to marry again?

 

It took me a long time to accept that my wife was truly someone else. She wasn't who I thought, at all. Was the new person someone I really wanted as a partner for all things in life? No. I could do better. And I did. And so can you. Embrace the opportunity.

 

If your wife wants to convince you she's worth another chance, let the ownership of proving that be on her. Don't do her job for her.

[66Charger]

This is not a illusion, it is delusion.

 

There is no bond. Never was. 14 years with your brother? The bond is with him.

 

It is ridiculous to let this continue one more day. If you have the emails, any lawyer can handle this case. Its so heinous, I am sure there wont be much contesting.

 

Because your son witneessed this, Letting it continue is a little bizarre, almost unbelievable.

[aliveagain]

I guess the best way to look at your situation is through the eyes of others. Forget for a moment your married to this woman, forget you have children with her(and that still needs to be determined), forget what you had when you first asked her to marry you. Strip all these things from her and look at what she just showed you and your son as to who she really is. Is this who you see yourself growing old with? If she were a really good friends wife what advice would you give him? There's no fixing 14 years as your brothers fu*k buddy.

 

Keep the respect, how will you face your son if he looses respect for you? You stopped him from standing up for you, don't put yourself in a situation that while trying to save a lost cause you destroy everything else that is good in it.

[troubadour]

She doesn't care about her children or her family. Mommy just cares about getting laid. Well divorce her then she can spend all the time with your shady brother that she wants. Maybe she can see the kids on Christmas and birthdays. I doubt she'll care much though, see the "sex with shady brother in law more important then her family" part of this.

 

Spectre, you're so jaded that you make no sense. You have no knowledge of any of these things and the drivel, you posted above, is nothing else but a desperate attempt to project your own pain on the OP under false pretense of trying to help him.

 

 

Divorce her, don't pay her a dime of alimony if she tries to get any, and just raise your kids to know the type of person their mother truly is. I assume she'll try to get money, women who cheat seem to always think they should still be entitled to stuff if divorced.

 

Once again, your pain is palpable but, in case if you wonder, things don't work this way in the western world. We don't have Sharia law here.

[cichlid]

Not understanding whats to gain by confronting.

 

Either she admits or denies, and if she admits she might followup with "Now that you know about it I'm divorcing you".

 

No matter what the outcome, it doesn't change the past, it doesn't negate a 14 YEAR affair. The marriage is over. She doesn't love you, she doesn't want to be with you, she wants your brother. Just go and file for divorce already, no confrontation needed, when she gets the papers, she'll probably just nod and say to herself, "Its about time".

[SincereOnlineGuy]

you need to get out of the way and let your wife marry your brother.

 

 

In light of all of the details here in this thread, it remains rather shocking that even LoveShack could arrive at a place where any of us would be inspired to reach such a conclusion.

 

 

And as eager as I sense the OP to be to spring into action, it is probably true that to wait, consult a lawyer, and form an iron-clad plan of approach, would be the most fruitful move in the long run.

 

(nothing would be a better foundation for such an approach than to have ALL of their traded emails saved and backed-up for future reference)

 

Furthermore, I would never suggest confronting both of them at once, for merely the 2-on-1 challenge is bound to exacerbate what is already a horrible experience.

 

Maybe do some additional bonding with that son, perhaps for the good of both of you.

[S2B]

In light of all of the details here in this thread, it remains rather shocking that even LoveShack could arrive at a place where any of us would be inspired to reach such a conclusion.

 

 

And as eager as I sense the OP to be to spring into action, it is probably true that to wait, consult a lawyer, and form an iron-clad plan of approach, would be the most fruitful move in the long run.

 

(nothing would be a better foundation for such an approach than to have ALL of their traded emails saved and backed-up for future reference)

 

Furthermore, I would never suggest confronting both of them at once, for merely the 2-on-1 challenge is bound to exacerbate what is already a horrible experience.

 

Maybe do some additional bonding with that son, perhaps for the good of both of you.

 

Finding more info doesn't change the outcome.

 

It's a no fault area.

 

What he witnessed should be more than enough to start that conversation with her.

 

 

Even if he just begins by stating "I know about your relationship with my brother".

 

No matter what she states next - the only thing the OP needs to state after that is what HE intends to do moving forward.

 

This is about his decision, his best interest and his kids best interest.

 

 

It's not really about his wife...she eliminated herself from the family the minute she started her affair.

 

I'd want to paternity test my kids - no matter what that outcome - I'd want to raise them as my own but I'd want the test done.

[sandylee1]

DB

 

A woman who loves you WOULD NEVER have sex yet alone a LTA with your own flesh and blood. There isn't a good reason to keep her in your life and she is a very poor example of a mother. This experience could haunt your son for life and if you don't act quickly... you will be contributing by this unnecessary delay when you have all the information you need to show she's cheated on you for years.

 

Your son has been let down by one parent already... please don't make it two by the delay and subsequent response to her affair... which could mean cousins are also half siblings.... that's not a pleasant thought to say the least.

[aliveagain]

You have all the evidence you need, you have seen their communications which I hope you have been able to save for future reference. You and your son both witnessed them openly flaunting their affair in public. Talk to a lawyer and shock her back into reality by having her served. I just don't see what there is to save except what ever is left of your respect between you and your son. Don't risk your relationship with your children trying to save a bad relationship with your wayward wife. Stop financing their affair, change your banking, listen to your lawyer, save their emails somewhere she can't access them to destroy them. The minute you confront her she will be in survival mode, the first thing she will do is erase all of their emails and texts.