merrmeade Posted December 9, 2015 Share Posted December 9, 2015 BetrayedH I just want closure if i'm going to be honst with you. Especially the idea of confronting them both, I feel like I can get an explanation from both and be able to make my decision there and then. I know this thinking. This is the thinking of someone right after after the impact of the discovery. This thinking hasn't yet considered that the people to be confronted have been pretending to be, well, whatever he thinks they are—best friends, trusted intimates, etc. He doesn't even realize yet what his assumptions about them have been. He only knows the face/persona they've given him which has been intended to make him trust them and not suspect they are or have been doing anything other than what he knows. So he expects to be dealing with THOSE people, and THOSE people he knew would be open and honest with him. Those people would have been on HIS side. He's being told, but has no reference to grasp, the side everyone is describing here that he's never seen. He's still expecting a certain affect when he approaches them. He's reading all these scenarios but can't yet imagine that they would want to continue hurting him. He thinks once they're found out, they'll crumple because they're exposed and it will be the end. He doesn't realize how much worse it still can be because they have each other and will be on the defensive now, against him. It's a shocker. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted December 9, 2015 Share Posted December 9, 2015 While everyone is ripping your (hopefully soon-to-be-ex-)wife to pieces - please cut your brother out of your life. Men like him are truly deserving of the title "scumbag". 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author doublebetrayal Posted December 10, 2015 Author Share Posted December 10, 2015 All hell has broken loose. What a $hitstorm this situation has become. Will update hopefully after I finish work. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers, going to need them! DB. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted December 10, 2015 Share Posted December 10, 2015 All hell has broken loose. What a $hitstorm this situation has become. Will update hopefully after I finish work. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers, going to need them! DB. Don't step in front of the fan. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted December 10, 2015 Share Posted December 10, 2015 Don't compromise your morals or ethics to protect their cheating a$$'s. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted December 10, 2015 Share Posted December 10, 2015 All hell has broken loose. What a $hitstorm this situation has become. Will update hopefully after I finish work. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers, going to need them! DB. Luck...... Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted December 10, 2015 Share Posted December 10, 2015 All hell has broken loose. What a $hitstorm this situation has become. Will update hopefully after I finish work. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers, going to need them! DB. Your wife should be the one in a panic. She will try and lie (more) and cover up! She may even try and distract you with a sudden injury or illness to gain your sympathy. I hope you've moved your money to your name only and closed her credit cards! She's capable of anything. Stay calm if you can- you're NOT the one who's done anything wrong. Just stay quiet and see what gems she's gonna come up with. You may need a voice activated recorder to play back to her so she understands how ridiculous she is. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
happyman64 Posted December 10, 2015 Share Posted December 10, 2015 It looks like DB was not able to update his thread. I'm sure he needs an extra large shovel to clean up her mess and lies. Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted December 10, 2015 Share Posted December 10, 2015 All hell has broken loose. What a $hitstorm this situation has become. Will update hopefully after I finish work. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers, going to need them! DB. At least he doesn't sound dejected or confused. The level of adrenaline everybody's pumping around there is out the roof I'm sure. A little worried what might have happened after work since he didn't get to update. Hope you're ok, db. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted December 10, 2015 Share Posted December 10, 2015 All hell has broken loose. What a $hitstorm this situation has become. Will update hopefully after I finish work. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers, going to need them! DB. Just stand back and let the evidence speak for itself. I'd go full exposure all at once if you haven't. Keep your evidence in a secure place! Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted December 10, 2015 Share Posted December 10, 2015 Could be a long day for DB with 14 years of betrayal to unravel. Stay strong DB. You have done nothing wrong and you definitely deserve so much better than what your W and your scumbag brother did to you!! Scum of the earth. Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted December 10, 2015 Share Posted December 10, 2015 Just a word from someone STILL processing 40 years of betrayal ... KARMA. And that's the word. This is something you'll deal with if they don't. I make my husband go through it with me or know that I'm going through it when something new occurs to me or realized usually because of reading here. Otherwise only I should suffer?!!! No FCKKING way. I would be devoured from the inside out by hatred and resentment. I won't go further into how hard it is. Just leave it that that's what it is and it was my choice. If you divorce, you will still have to rearrange your history for yourself since you just found out your memory of it was wrong. That will be painful, but most of us have to do it. Then you'll be better. Life will dole out their karma. What they've done is heinous and the pain and disgust they encounter in you and the other members of the two families, not to mention your children will be a lot of it. They will be pretty much pariahs. Their karma. Just.saying... She stayed to avoid this karma. The whole notion of karma is that it's there because of the action. There's no avoiding it. So if you decide to reconcile, i.e., she chooses you and you agree to try to make your marriage work, you will be her karma. If you're not prepared for that, divorce. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted December 10, 2015 Share Posted December 10, 2015 One more point about my take on karma (not necessarily an authoritative either) in the context of betrayal in the family... The fact that my sister in law seemingly got away scott free makes me nuts and I don't pat myself and say oh she'll get her due. The only comfort is that she may be a little nuts. Otherwise I have to go the next step and say she'll get it next birth, and that just doesn't work. 'Karma' was just a useful word. I do know that I will have to get over this for myself and don't really believe I'm responsible for their 'karma.' I'm saying to you, however, that it is harder to do if you stay together. But it's not impossible. I also see that, see the light of freedom at the end of the tunnel. But NO WAY I'll encourage others to go through it. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted December 10, 2015 Share Posted December 10, 2015 (Everyone is purely responsible for their own Karma. But I'm not going to go into it right now.... ) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted December 10, 2015 Share Posted December 10, 2015 (Everyone is purely responsible for their own Karma. But I'm not going to go into it right now.... ) sorry for any misuse. It was convenient and my point was something else. I don't need to know (if anyone does). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted December 10, 2015 Share Posted December 10, 2015 I'm sure he needs an extra large shovel to clean up her mess and lies. Well, DB can hand her the shovel and run as far away as quickly as he can. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted December 11, 2015 Share Posted December 11, 2015 It is HER mess...but I'm not sure a mess that big could ever be cleaned up. It is what it is. I'd be hard pressed to even listen to ANY explanation she may attempt to give. Her brand of being married isn't worth considering. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author doublebetrayal Posted December 11, 2015 Author Share Posted December 11, 2015 (edited) My life as I knew it has completely turned upside down. I decided to confront both my wife and brother at the same time, along with my son present. I know you guys advised against having my son there, but I wanted to make sure my son got to say/hear what he needed so that he could heal, just like for myself, and hopefully be on track torwards healing. I asked the brother to come over as he lives nearby he came in no time. I then invivted my son and wife to join us while the other kids were doing their own things. I was calm, and told them both that I knew they were having an affair. My wife literally tried to deny it saying "how can you accuse me of such a thing?!" but before any of us could say anything, my son angrily yelled at her "mum we know ok?!?!". You should have seen their faces. The wife then instantly burst into tears, meanwhile the brother remained silent and shocked. I kept calm as possible as I told them that they don't have to have an affair anymore, that they could have each other. I made sure not to be interrupted while I spoke. I told my brother that I wanted nothing to do with him anymore, and my wife that I wanted an amicable divorce, that beyond the kids/divorce, we have nothing to talk about anymore. They were both crying eventually, begging for my forgiveness. I felt pitty for them as I could tell they were embarrassed having my son there with us. I gave my son the opportunity to say what he wanted to say, he basically told his mother and uncle to go to hell. I did tell him that she was still his mother and to respect her, but he wasn't interested. Wife was hysterical, but I think that gave my son the opportunity to let his mother and uncle "have it". I'm positively sure he will be ok, he will get over it eventually and start speaking to his mother, I believe IC will help. I told the wife that since everything is in my name (under a business I own), she will get nothing from the divorce that belongs to me. She is well off on her own anyway, but she will take a huge downgrade in lifestyle without me. I told her that I wanted her out of my house, that she can move in with my brother or wherever she wants to go. The kids can come to visit them whenever they want, but they are both to stay away from my house. This has caused some problems as you can understand Christmas is coming up, and my parents have 16 children so we all get together for a big Christmas bbq lunch every year. There are a lot of us!!! as you can imagine, 16 kids plus their spouses and inlaws, God knows how many grandkids, and a handful of great grandkids all at the same venue, our Christmas's are always the best... but sadly not this year!!! It makes me really sad, because that was my absolute favourite time of the year. We all get on fine and love having a laugh between us, the kids love spending time with each other etc. even writing it hurts that it won't be the same anymore. I don't know how to tell my family. My family will be so devastated, as we are all one big close family, this just ruins everything. I was closest with my brother because we have always lived near each other and saw each other regularly all our adult lives. As for my other sibblings we are spread across interstate, but still love each other and maintain regular contact. Anyway guys, I am at a loss for what to do regarding family exposure. My wife and brother begged me not to say anything to anyone until at least Christmas is over, but I think that would be the best time to announce we are getting a divorce. What do you guys think? I also want to mention that I am definitely NOT considering taking her back. I made this very clear when she said that she would do anything to gain my trust back. Told her I knew about the extent of the affair, not to bother even trying to convince me she "loves me". She quickly dropped the crocodile tears and I realised i'm dealing with a sociopath here. Anyway I hope this update answers a few questions, also sorry for not being able to update you sooner. It has been hell for me, and busy. I will try to address each response when I get a chance. One more thing. THANK YOU ALL from the bottom of my heart!!!! I appreciate the support, I knew you would be good support as you were for my mate a few years back, but you have all nonetheless exceeded my expectations! I love you all, truly thank you once again. DB. Edited December 11, 2015 by doublebetrayal 11 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted December 11, 2015 Share Posted December 11, 2015 I personally, in your position, would advise the most important people, by mail. Your parents and hers. Then, whatever announcement you wish to make at Christmas, at least your parents will already have had the respect of being informed beforehand. Ask them to please refrain from discussing the matter with any other member of the family. You wish to keep it private until YOU are ready or present, to discuss it. Do not hold any resentment towards her family if you can help it. Not saying you do, but feelings run high and it may go that they will be extremely torn in their sympathies.... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted December 11, 2015 Share Posted December 11, 2015 What a nightmare. So sorry x Do you need to 'announce' anything? Could you just let a few people know who absolutely need to and then leave it till after Christmas. It will sour the event for everyone and that seems a shame. Link to post Share on other sites
happyman64 Posted December 11, 2015 Share Posted December 11, 2015 And you should be very clear about the depth of their affair and length of the affair with the adults in your family and her family. This type of affair affects everyone. It is a truly selfish, disturbing act. Double betrayal Your wife and your brother need to feel those consequences. They have to see and feel that they not only hurt you but their children and their own siblings/parents as well. You conducted the exposure very well. I hope she gives you the amicable divorce you have asked for. I know you love "your" children. But I do hope you get the dba tests done in your kids. Not out if revenge but to know who their father is as well as let your wife and brother feel the depth of their betrayal. And calling your wife a sociopath is being kind. HM Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted December 11, 2015 Share Posted December 11, 2015 Did she even attempt to give you an explanation? Was anything said about paternity? Having her move out as soon as possible is best for everyone, why fake it through the holidays. Let them deal with the consequences, she's not your problem anymore. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted December 11, 2015 Share Posted December 11, 2015 They are feeling bad and embarrassed because they got caught nothing more. Sorry for you and your family. I would do full exposure all at once. No need to dribble this thing out. They do deserve each other. I hope they are ostracized. Link to post Share on other sites
WomenWubber Posted December 11, 2015 Share Posted December 11, 2015 If you want a quick and amicable divorce, having minimum to 0 contact with your STBXW and her family and not exposing will be in your best interest. Well, that's what I would advice in most cases. But given your wife's profile I would say you're in for a hellish time no matter what you do. Expose to your family ASAP and, if you really need to, expose the affair to her family as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted December 11, 2015 Share Posted December 11, 2015 There is no way to keep this secret with a young son in the mix. He won't be able to hold it in at that age. It'll just dribble out and the endless explanations, etc. I'd do it all at once and be done with it. Link to post Share on other sites
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